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Help.. How to accept boyfriend's past and build the relationship


myumyu

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Here’s the beginning of the story.

 

My boyfriend and I have been dating for around a year now. Before our relationship we had a fling but never slept together. During this time he also had other women and slept with one of them. They both said it was just for fun and that there are no strings tied. Like always she developed feelings for him and told him but he said he didn’t want a relationship with her. Few months later we got together since he said he liked me for a while already and I also liked him. I knew he had many women before but what I didn’t know (he told me during our relationship) is that the one he slept with had a boyfriend and my boyfriend knew she was cheating on her boyfriend with him (hope you know what I mean). That totally put me off, can’t understand how he could sleep with her knowing she is cheating on her own boyfriend. And then he also told me he slept with her few weeks before we got together even he had feelings for me and by few weeks I mean 2-3 weeks before. Anyway then we said we would make our relationship official. The thing is he never could tell her. He always said he didn’t want to hurt her and so on. I was angry that they still texted together every day and that she even told him not to have anything to do with me. Even then he didn’t tell her that we were together. She wanted to go to his house and he just said that he didn’t want to pick her up instead of telling her that he has a girlfriend now. A while later he did write to her to say that they shouldn’t write anymore but here’s another problem he told her that I don’t want them to write anymore and he wants to fulfill my wish so it’s better that they don’t stay in touch for a while but there will be a time where all of us three can get on together! Then I got mad, I told him she had badmouthed me, was a fake person (another story, he tricked me because she knew who I was all along, she knew I had a fling with him too and I had no idea who she was) and now he’s telling her that us 3 will get along sometime! Anyway he then apologized and said he didn’t know what he was doing and it was stupid. I just can’t forget it! They even went to the cinema together and she started touching him, he said no but he couldn’t tell her that we were together. Then she wrote to him few times and even started stalking him, went to his hometown, went to visit him at work and so on. I told him if he had just told her from the beginning that there was nothing else between them anymore it would have been fine. Then during school time (we went to class together and she was in a separate building which was just next door) they would see each other even when we were together. I saw it and it hurt. He thought it’s fine but then I told him and asked him if he would like it if I would just hang out, text, phone and do everything with the guy I slept with first. He got jealous again. It’s just like he never thinks and it really makes me angry.

 

The thing that also annoys me is that he never wanted her, she always started to touch him and then they slept together, he even said she was very cheap and still he went along with it for years! I just don’t and can’t understand that, can someone explain? He just said she was there and she always started and he had nothing better to do.. and I just don’t get it. She uploads half naked pictures of herself and shows the world and it really just disgusts me that he somehow likes cheap women.

 

What also happened was he wrote to two of his female friends saying how wonderful they were, very precious, people he never wants to lose, beautiful women, so important to him and no matter if he has a girlfriend or not he will see them etc. I thought that was weird too, cause whenever I wrote to a guy just to hang out he got jealous and he can write all that stuff to girls? He wrote the same things to me too so I just felt like one of them, not his girlfriend just any of his female f*** buddies.

 

Another thing is he had pictures and posters of naked women in his room and he did take them down after a while but he saved one picture on his phone. So I just felt insecure and explained to him once again if he would like it if I had that too. And again he got jealous.

 

Now he understands, he cries often and does everything for me. He surprises me, looks after me and does stick to me, tells me that he was so stupid, that he hates himself for what he did and that he can’t be without me but I just can’t forget what happened. I even hurt him often with words, really really hurtful words but he still is here and tries his best. But I can’t move on, I’m still stuck in the past. I also can’t stand it that he had over 20 women and not one of them is a “normal” woman. All of them sleep around and that honestly just disgusts me plus I see them so often since our town is small. He also keeps on telling me that she seriously meant nothing to him and that he hates her but I just don’t know how to move on. Please give me some advice I just can’t handle it anymore and I have been thinking of breaking up but just don’t know if it is a good idea and if I will regret it or not. Please tell me how to forgive and how to just start anew. Thank you!

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My gf slept with a guy who had a girlfriend, i mean of all the terrible things people can do, its really not a big deal, we all do dumb things.

 

But the fact that he keeps talking to them is disrespectful, i would not tolerate it, explain you don't care who he is friends with but there's no reason he needs to talk to former hook ups, it's either you or them.

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Well... I think you need to ask yourself: Can I get over this?

 

If the answer is no... then it's no. You'd need to move on. You're really the only one that can decide to put this behind you... or that you can't.

 

Past behavior is a good indicator of future behavior, but... people make mistakes. They grow up. Ideally, they don't make the same mistakes over and over again. I would judge him based on how he has been in your relationship rather than what came before.

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It's clear that you can't get over it and probably never will, so this relationship is doomed before it's started.

 

Do yourself a huge favor and just leave him alone. The drama that is going to ensue behind all of this is just really not worth it.

 

He did what he did because he wanted to do it--that is the short answer as to "why". He was single, she made herself available--opportunity and motive.

 

You're expecting for him to have been pure and chaste; saving himself for when you floated onto the scene. This dude has feet of clay, hon. You either accept that or bounce. But all of this wailing and moaning about how he chose to conduct himself before he got with you is a waste of time and energy.

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Thanks for replying! I think I could accept the fact what he did in the past before our relationship.. but it just hurt what he did during our time, so I'm kinda confused. I know I want him but i don't know if I can cope. I really don't know how exactly I can forgive.. not forget but just leave it behind. It is difficult but at the moment we are having a break

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IF you can't cope, then leave him alone.

 

You require a man to be pure and chaste and this guy isn't that man.

 

Not being able to forgive, choosing to let it rule you instead of leaving it behind all = too much unnecessary drama for what this involvement can bear.

 

And there is no such thing as a break. Neglect doesn't fix anything--the problem remains and advances to a further detriorated state because of said neglect.

 

This is over. Move on.

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