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I don't think I deserve him, thoughts of letting him go


pokey

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Is it weird to think that sometimes your S/O might just be better off without you?

 

I've been having long thoughts every night about my boyfriend. We've been together for less than a year now, and he lives a few hours away. He's a very straight edge guy. Didn't get into much trouble at all his entire life, really bright person, career driven, family oriented, and comes from a very conservative family. Overall, he's just a very sweet person. We are both outgoing and fun loving people, which is what I think drew us together in the first place.

 

We're very similar but very different in a lot of ways. I'm also very close with my family, but you could say I don't have it all together. I've been jobless for a year now, and not very actively seeking and trying to finish school. You could say we're different because I am a bit more of a rebellious person in general. I've gotten in trouble with the law, been wreckless at certain times in my life, and I've paid all my dues. Despite this, I know he cares for me a lot, but I can't help but wonder if we're just too different in general. Or that this phase of him liking me will pass as he figures out that we can possibly just not be right for each other. It's hard because his family has very high standards, and I feel like I'm always being judged or having to watch my actions. I don't want to feel that way, as I'm comfortable with who I am and don't think that I'm a bad person.

 

The thought of letting him go hurts, but I don't think I can provide for him the things he needs or wants. And the thought of moving to his city someday frightens me a lot, I don't know if I'm ready for that commitment. I'm not really sure what to do or what to think. Has anyone had a similar situation before? I'm such a mess right now and my life is in total chaos, and I just feel like I can't happily be there for him as someone else who has their stuff together could. What would be an appropriate next step? Or am I just being crazy?

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Hey there pokey,

 

Let me start by sharing a personal experience.

 

When I was 18 I was with a girl who I really loved during our relationship. We had so many differences but I tried and managed to overlook.

I was studying for my bachelors while she was not, I was coming from a healthy family while hers was a mess, she had her own personal issues and it was very emotionally damaging. Despite all this I loved her and was there to support her no matter what.

 

Long story short she broke up with me almost 4 years ago for a few reasons, one of them being that she was not good enough for me and that I deserved better. At first it sounded ridiculous but 1,5 years after the break up I can now see how right she was.

 

If it wasnt for our break up I wouldnt have made the progress I did and would still be stuck in this toxic situation.

 

The one side of the coin is to let him go if you believe he deserves better in his life.

On the other hand, if you truly want to be with him, do your best so that the 2 of you become compatible. It will not be easy, I guarantee you that, but fighting for what we love is worth it in the long run.

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Since you cannot control who he ends up with, you may break up and he'll end up with someone much less deserving of you. The best you can do is explain why you feel he deserves more and the limit of what you can offer him. Then let him decide. There have been people I've passed up so that they could get someone more deserving, only to have them end up with someone that brought them to poverty and they can't even afford to buy clothes but they are married with kids and somewhat happy. For one person, it worked out. For another, I was what they wanted, the person they got seemed more worthy but it's not as good for them because they wanted me, even though I'm not as deserving of them. They didn't care that I didn't deserve them.

 

People want and value different things, you may feel that he deserves more, and he may get that person. Or, perhaps the only thing he wanted was your love, and even if he gets that better person, he still doesn't have you. So I recommend letting him decide and do the best you can do if you don't deserve him.

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I think your misgivings and doubts are much more about yourself than about him. One of my exes used to tell me similar things and I didn't like hearing it. I wouldn't have been with her if I didn't want to be and in the end we broke up so it ended up being a self-fulfilling prophecy. When I hear things like that it really just sounds like an excuse to me and I consider it a red flag. To me it signals that the person is pushing away or hoping their partner will end things to spare them the inconvenience of doing it themselves. In my case that's exactly what happened.

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