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Confused with myself, a little vending


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Hello people,


I just want to vend a little bit over something that has been bothering me for a while.


Let me give you a bit of information about me for starters.

I am 23, I have studied computer science, I have served in my country's army ( obligatory ) and I had a long relationship from 18 to almost 22.


For most of my life I was not a "fighter", I didnt want to struggle for anything pretty much, my studies, my body, my relationship with my girl or even with my family. I wanted things the easy way.


That was until ~February 2013. From that time I have turned 180, I started studying on my own, taking care of myself, communicating and improving my relationship with my parents and my brother. I got my life guards license, met new people, made more friends.

The past 2 months I have started working on my field ( which really made me excited when I started ).


The thing is, I do not feel "happy" or "complete". I feel proud of myself because I have made huge changes in my life over the course of 1 year but I feel like I am missing another huge important factor in my life. That is a girl.


Now here comes the confusing part, I have met quite a few girls over this past year that wanted something to go on between us but I do not feel like doing so!


Dont get me wrong, but I am a handsome guy, I workout a lot so have a nice body, I have a serious job, have hobbies and lots of stuff to talk about when I am in a group of people and I find it pretty easy to get to know or attract people. I can even get a conversation going or meet a girl in a bus.


I just do not feel like having any kind of sexual contact with a girl, I have even rejected one night stands 2 times


The only girl I have feelings for is a girl that I cannot be with because of a few reasons. I am not in love with her or something but I really like her.


On every other factor in my life I am as good as I have ever been, my family, friends, body, job, hobbies. I have fun and laugh a lot everyday but everyday that I wake up I feel alone which is a blasphemy for a person who has so much in his life.

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When you're ready to start pursuing girls, you'll do that. Until then, you're not ready. It's really that simple--no need to make a mystery of it.


Consider it a sign of maturity to turn down empty sex. At some point most people grow into enough self awareness to recognize empty sex as...empty. Just because people around you may not have clued themselves into that idea yet, that doesn't make them more fulfilled--it can mean that they're still unconscious.


So, consider skipping comparisons with anyone else to also be a sign of maturity. Recognizing that you're not satisfied with your own life yet isn't necessarily a sign that latching onto another person would cure that--and apparently, your highest intelligence knows this.


You started your focus on self improvement only a year ago. You've passed that milestone, and you've recognized your progress--that's wonderful. You're still not where you want to be, and that's okay. Keep doing what you're doing, and keep your mind open to new interests.


When a new goals occurs to you, you'll pursue that. Meanwhile, no need to view discontent as a problem to be solved, but rather trust that it simply means you're ready for new ideas, new pursuits and those will occur to you when you're relaxed and open to them.


Head high, you're doing great!

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Thank you for your reply and I guess I have to agree with what you have posted.


The thing is that in a years time I was hurt by 3 different girls and it has turned me a very cold against them. I could very easily fall for a girl a year ago, recently there has was a case that a very beautiful girl was really into me and I did not even turn my head to give her a look.


I know I have a lot to give in a relationship and make a girl happy but I feel very worn out in order to give everything I have.


I guess I need more time and it will come naturally.

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I know I have a lot to give in a relationship and make a girl happy but I feel very worn out in order to give everything I have.


You can't make a girl happy, that's her job. That's the thing you'll need to grasp before you're ready to pursue anyone.


If your driver for working on yourself is to become 'good enough' to offer happiness to someone else, then you're in deep doo-doo.


Two happy people create happiness, one can't give it to the other. If you've targeted girls who have issues that keep them miserable, then your inability to fix them is already given up front. So beating yourself up for failing to make someone else happy is missing the point--stop picking miserable women!


You are innately good enough. Period. Anything you do to improve yourself is an add on, and that's wonderful. But finding someone to share your life with is about choosing the right match, not trying to fix bad matches.


Think of your life as a puzzle. We need to keep trying out new things and new relationships to test what fits. We need to discard far more than we keep. If we cram two pieces together that don't match, it will impact the whole outcome of the puzzle--forever.


Allow wrong matches to pass early. You don't 'fail' when you let a bad match go, you leave space for the right fit.


We all deserve the chemistry and simpatico and love of someone who 'gets us' and this can't be forced with anyone who doesn't. Not everyone will own the capacity to recognize and appreciate your unique gifts--most people will not.


That's the point. If finding love were easy, what would be so special about it? Forget giving your 'all' when someone hasn't earned the right to it. Consider dating to be just a testing ground for finding good matches, and stop trying to make wrong matches into right ones.


THAT is how to liberate yourself: stand your ground and simply BE. Whoever doesn't get you isn't meant for you. Period.


When a train doesn't stop at your station, it's not your train.

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Thank you for your time and effort!


Just to make myself clear, I do not want to improve as a person in order to make someone else happy.

I do it, and will keep on doing so, for me. I have nothing to prove to anyone.I never brag about anything, I never really had to.


What I meant by saying that I can make a girl happy and that I have a lot to give is, in my previous relationships I did not have my own place, car, money, knowledge on how to handle situations and so on. Now I am in a state where I can afford all of these. I know that happiness has nothing to do with all those that I mention but can improve the health of a relationship.

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The thing is that in a years time I was hurt by 3 different girls and it has turned me a very cold against them.


I guess I need more time and it will come naturally.


Sounds like you haven't healed yet from whatever hurt you went through. The answer is the one that you gave yourself. Just make sure that you avoid stereotyping (every girl/person is different and just because some girls did not treat you well, that doesn't mean that all girls out there are the same) and you should be fine.

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I see where you are your statement is coming from Clio,


I am confused with myself because for the first time in a very long time I "want" to be someone, but I do not "feel" like being with someone.

Its a bit hard to explain.


And I am not saying that all women are the same, I know that each person is different!

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