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What have I gotten myself into?


noname25

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Hi. So, the last time I posted on ENA, it was after my boyfriend of 5.5 years broke up with me. It's been since December and those wounds are slowly starting to heal. Due to a bunch of extenuating circumstances, I've had to leave my job and move back home with my mother. I started a part-time job a few weeks ago and, on my second weekend there, one of my coworkers asked me on a date. We went and got milkshakes, drove around a bit, talked, got to know each other... and it ended with us in bed together. I really should've controlled myself and waited, but it happened and I can't change it, so, oh well. It was actually really awesome sex, but I had mixed emotions about it since he was the first guy I had been with since my ex. I was also (and still am a little) concerned about the age gap- I'm 25 and he's 19. Then there's the fact that we work together. I'm dreading the day this makes it around work, as I wanted to maintain a professional image, even if it is just a part-time job. We've seen each other a few times since then. The second time we hung out, I told him I wasn't looking for a serious relationship. He said that was fine with him. He has his own crap to deal with, including having a baby on the way. It was after this second get-together (it wasn't really a date) that I realized I was starting to like him. I started out with the mentality that it was just going to be casual sex, a FWB type situation. He told me the next time that we saw each other that he really liked me and wanted to consider me his girlfriend. So, I told him he could. And then we started drinking. I drank way too much, said and did some probably stupid things that I can't remember, and spent the night.

 

After that, I didn't hear from him for 2 days. I assumed I had probably just shown him all my crazy cards and scared him off, which would make work awkward, but oh well. I had been talking to a couple other guys, but hadn't actually gone out with either of them. Thinking that was over, I agreed to see one of the other guys this past Friday before I went in to work. And then the first guy called me out of the blue. We talked for a bit, but I still went out to see the second guy. I had a nice time with him, but it also ended in sex. I felt a little guilty since I'm sort of seeing guy #1, but told myself it was fine because of the lack of contact and because I'm still unsure of what exactly we are. I know, I know, I have a problem. I'm working on it with my therapist. Anyway, on Saturday, 2 days after I heard from guy #1, I got another random text from him that said "I miss u." In an effort to play a little harder to get, I just said back "Aw, you're so sweet." We hung out on Sunday. I really just wanted to get to know him better, but I have a really hard time saying "no," so we slept together again. Before I left, I asked him to get in touch with me more than once every 2 days, just so I know he's alive.

 

I really have no idea what I'm doing. I have this bad habit of focusing on taking care of others and not caring about myself. Part of me wonders if I'm just trying to do this to guy #1, trying to fix him or help him learn how to care for himself. I still don't want a serious relationship. But, as of now, he makes me feel all giddy and I get butterflies, etc. He's a really genuinely good person and I like hanging out with him. I'm just trying to have fun and see where it goes. I am worried, though, about his player reputation. I found out last night that he's slept with 68 other people, including 98% of the female population at work, and that he wants to sleep with 100 people before he settles down and gets married. While the latter isn't currently an issue, it just makes me wonder why he's wasting time with me, then. I'm not the kind of girl you sleep with and never call again. I'm the kind of girl you take home to meet your parents because I'm freaking awesome and I'm a wonderful girlfriend. But I don't want to get attached only to become a statistic and, if you can't see this going anywhere, it probably shouldn't happen. I'm 25. This is kind of when people start to settle down and get serious about their lives, which he especially needs if he's got a baby on the way. He made a comment last night about how he feels differently about me and that I'm "taming" him. I want to believe him, but how many other girls has he said that to? He also dropped the L word on me last night (during foreplay and while kinda drunk). I corrected him, though, and told him that we've only known each other a week, he didn't love me, he was just infatuated with me. I kinda panicked a bit when I heard it. Haha. Having to be around so many other girls that he's been with kind of perturbs me as well. I don't want to get jealous and I don't want to deal with any cattiness or jealousy from other females at work. I'm also worried about having to deal with baby mama drama.

 

I don't want to hurt guy #2's feelings, either. He's aware of everything going on with guy #1. As I typed this out, I realized just how badly this whole thing comes accross. Like, really, I should probably just forget about guy #1 and go on with life as normal. Maybe if I just slow things down, though, it would be fine. But how do I do that without hurting his feelings? Against my better judgement, I really like him. We're going on a ski trip this weekend, actually. I just don't know what I want out of all this, which I guess is probably most of the problem. Any advice on how to figure that out? I have no idea what I'm doing. \:

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As I stated in the original response, I know I have an issue when it comes to sex, which I am working on with my therapist. I have no intentions of sleeping with the second guy again, but I'm not going to stop sleeping with the first guy. Despite what comes accross here (in my opinion, at least) as an attempt to shame me for being sexual, I enjoy sex and am not ashamed of it. Especially not when the sex is absolutely incredible.

 

Also, I'm not just sleeping with them because they bother to talk to me. I have a really bad problem saying "no" out of fear of hurting someone's feelings, so when things get initiated, I just don't bother to stop them. As I've said several times now, I am working on these issues with my therapist.

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I am not trying to shame you.

Just pointing out incredibly destructive behavior.

 

Ok, you don't have sex because they say "hello". You have sex because they say "do you want to have sex"...and you cannot say no --- and think that

their feelings will be hurt. They won't....they will just ask someone else.

 

Until you work these issues out with your therapist --- and there are several issues in play --- you should stop dating.

 

Sex is to be enjoyed. Just not with random partners.

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You know what the problem is but you are not taking mhowe's advice.

 

You are engaging in behavior that is harmful to yourself: stop. No excuses, no buts, just cut it off already.

 

Work with a counselor or therapist on establishing appropriate boundaries of behavior. There is clearly something amiss here.

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Work with a counselor or therapist on establishing appropriate boundaries of behavior. There is clearly something amiss here.

 

As I have now stated multiple times, I AM working with a therapist. She has not advised that I stop engaging in sexual activity, just that I should refrain from using substances before it, which I have ceased. Seeing as though she knows me much better than anyone here and has not advised me against it, I am going to follow her advice on that situation.

 

I did not post this so my behaviour (destructive or otherwise) could be scrutinized. I was asking for advice on HOW to slow things down without hurting guy #1's feelings, how to gracefully bow out of the situation with guy #2, and some input on whether or not it seemed like a bad idea to get involved with guy #1 due to HIS behaviour, not mine. I know what my issues are and, like I keep saying, I am working on them.

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How to slow things down: say "no" to guy #1.

How to bow out with #2: I am not interested in continuing to see you.

 

It is a bad idea to get involved with #1 due to his behavior AND the fact that he has a child on the way.

 

However, since you are going on a ski weekend with #2 and will likely sleep with him if he asks ----

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As I stated in the original response, I know I have an issue when it comes to sex, which I am working on with my therapist. I have no intentions of sleeping with the second guy again, but I'm not going to stop sleeping with the first guy. Despite what comes accross here (in my opinion, at least) as an attempt to shame me for being sexual, I enjoy sex and am not ashamed of it. Especially not when the sex is absolutely incredible.

 

Also, I'm not just sleeping with them because they bother to talk to me. I have a really bad problem saying "no" out of fear of hurting someone's feelings, so when things get initiated, I just don't bother to stop them. As I've said several times now, I am working on these issues with my therapist.

 

Your posts are very inconsistent. This is an example. On the one hand, "Don't shame me about sex. It's incredible, I enjoy it, and I will continue it." On the other hand, "I have a problem saying no because I don't want to hurt someone's feelings."

 

More inconsistency - I am a relationship-type gal, a good gal you take home to mom. On the other hand, I had sex with two different guys on a first date. That is not "take home to mom" material behavior.

 

Another one - I am not looking for a serious relationship. Yet, I am worried about his player reputation.

 

Headache.

 

You can't get advice on how to figure this out until you figure yourself out. IF you want to bang guys casually, own it and don't start acting like you can't say no. Decide if you don't want a serious relationship. Because if you don't, then you better let go of worry about a guy who is obviously as interested in sex as you are ... just with a variety of people.

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The OP is all over the place: one second you are having sex with a 19 year old, the next you are talking about marriage and settling down.

 

Decide what your relationship goals are. And own your behavior.

 

If you want to settle down, say no to men under 20.

 

If you want to live a sex positive free life, go do it! Stop being concerned about your age and marriage.

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