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Broke it off, now constantly thinking of him


bubbledot

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I met a man a few weeks ago at a party, and we hit it off instantly. I thought he was charming, successful, hilarious, and so much fun. I'm in my late 20's, and he was about 15 years my senior, but that wasn't a factor for me.

 

Over the next two weeks we went on two wonderful dates but I was worried we were moving too fast. But we had a lot of fun and talked quite a bit. On the third date, he came over to my house for dinner. The minute he stepped in the door he acted very differently and seemed like a different person. He was very pushy and made a lot of offensive jokes but he said he was "teasing me". For instance..while I was making dinner, it was obvious that I was totally inexperienced, and he said "if you can't cook, how will you compete with other women? Cooking for a man is the way you show him that you love him". He continued on like that and made similar remarks about other things.

 

I ended up crying and I told him to leave. He apologized and said he was only "joking" but he didn't seem sincere. After a long time arguing, he finally was getting ready to leave. He asked me if it was really over, and if I had decided that I didn't like him anymore. I said yes. He took back some gifts that he brought me, said "goodbye" and slammed the door on his way out. He also said he was disappointed that he couldn't spend the night...

 

I felt that I made the right decision because he just acted like an insensitive a** for no reason at all. Now I feel really confused because I can't stop thinking about him. He hasn't contacted me again. I guess I'm sad because we had a connection at first, and then I don't know why it fell apart. I am leaving out some details about the sexual part, but let's just say that things moved too fast, too soon.

 

Is it right to give it another chance? Why did he give up so fast? What was his game??

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You were right to break it off when you did, imagine if you got into a serious relationship and he started acting this way a while down the track, you'd be more invested in him and it would cause way more pain than your feeling right now. I'd say don't give him another chance, he sounds like he was just putting on the act in the beginning, and this is how he must really be. I wouldn't put up with that either. Especially if he hasn't texted or tried to contact you again. Leave it be and move right on, you'll stop thinking about him in time. Goodluck!

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i think you made the right decision. your gut told you it wasn't a good match. it sounds like he was trying some PUA techniques. backfired!! don't stress, i think you made the right decision. geez, if he brought a bottle of wine and put the charm on instead, i'm sure he would have been able to spend the night.

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It sounds like he was teasing you. I teased my gf about her cooking skills (or lack of) when we first started dating and she cooked for me although not to the point of her crying. I had no intentions of hurting her.

 

Yet he was able to date a woman 15 years his junior and she is wondering why he hasn't contacted her and is "constantly thinking of him."

 

"Is it right to give it another chance? Why did he give up so fast? What was his game??"

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You followed your instincts and your instincts just saved you from a very bad person. What you saw was classic behavior of someone who is potentially an abuser at worst, a world-class manipulator at best. Joking in a hurtful manner and then defending their actions and words with "I was only joking" is usually a test to see how far they can push you and what they can get away with. And if it's only the third date and he was showing you this side of him then watch out, you didn't begin to scratch the surface of how ugly he acts and how bad it could have gotten. Please keep in mind that people who are abusive and/or manipulative often develop a very charming exterior, they have to in order to reel people in. It's only when they start to feel comfortable with you that they let the mask slip either deliberately to see what they can get away with or because they just are incapable of keeping up the charm and good manners for a long time. And part of what's adding to your confusion is that unlike you or most normal people when confronted with his actions he didn't back down or apologize. In fact, I'm betting he argued so strongly and so convincingly that it was all in your head that you began to later tell yourself. "Wait, if he was doing something so wrong then why did he act so sure of himself, maybe I did overreact, he certainly didn't seem to think he did anything wrong, maybe it was me..." The problem is you're trying to rationalize his behavior against what you would do and that won't work with someone like this. He doesn't think like you do or he wouldn't have done what he did in the first place. And in his eyes he didn't do anything wrong, because he enjoys hurting others and being mean. To him that's not wrong. But to you and anyone sane, yeah it is.

 

What he said was flat-out mean and you know it. So stop doubting yourself, realize he sort of got you "hooked" with all of his charm and intense focusing on you. And probably yes, he pumped you for information about what you like and then reflected that back in his talks with you making it look as if he were tailor made for you. It is very easy to fall for someone like that. But if you have enough self-esteem to know when someone is deliberately hurting you then you show them to the door and close it firmly behind them forever. Stop doubting yourself, you did the right thing. I've had my own experiences with people like that and worked at a woman's shelter, so I have learned to recognize certain red flags. And hurtful comments masked behind "I was only joking" are usually just the start. Too many of those turn into shoving you into a wall or bruising you then it's all "just I was playing" before they really decide you won't walk and drop the pretenses altogether.

 

And the reason I say these are red flags of an abuser is if he'd just been some guy who was being awkward or trying to use one of those dating guru website tactics when you started to cry he would've apologized and been distressed that he'd upset you so much. This guy didn't, in fact he threw up a whole "I can't believe you're breaking it off over this" type fit--again putting the blame squarely on you. Couple that with the fact that it was a steady stream of remarks to put you down and that were offensive, him acting pushy, and not like the person you'd seen on the first two dates and yeah I'd say that's not someone who is awkward. That's someone who either thought he could get away with it or he wanted to see if he could. You did good, be proud you stood up for yourself and next time listen to your instincts. You also mention you were worried it was moving too fast, again a classic tactic as they try to rush you so you don't have time to stop and notice the red flags that either are or will soon be popping up.

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In my opinion, the comment he made about knowing how to cook to compete with other women wasn't really very funny. It was arrogant and belittling. I think you are second-guessing yourself because you didn't spend enough time with this version of him to have a clear picture.

 

Maybe take this time to work on feeling better about yourself and if that ever happens again, you don't have to cry or doubt your feelings, you can simply and confidently show that person the door.

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1) you made the right decision,

 

2) examine your motivations: why are you attracted to this man who behaved so horribly towards you?

 

Were you impressed by his wealth? Did you like the fact that he bought you gifts? (Anyone else found it odd that this man is buying gifts a few dates into knowing the OP)? Did he force himself sexually on you and justify it by the gifts he bought you?

 

This man said brutal things to you, forced himself on you physically, and yet you want him back: examine that urge. Where is that coming from??

 

Honestly I feel bad for the guys: so many sweet sounding men on this forum can't get the time of day from women. Yet this ahole can go around making women cry and pine for him.

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Yes I also pick up on the tell tale signs of a future abusing, controlling fellow, who would put the woman down for fun, and to make himself feel "superior".

Please do not have second thoughts, what he did was extremely rude and definitely not a joke. Your gut feeling was right, so trust it and forget the jerk.

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Yes I also pick up on the tell tale signs of a future abusing, controlling fellow, who would put the woman down for fun, and to make himself feel "superior".

Please do not have second thoughts, what he did was extremely rude and definitely not a joke. Your gut feeling was right, so trust it and forget the jerk.

 

Thanks, I really needed the outside perspective. It's true, he made me feel guilty for ending things the way I did.

 

I didn't mention that he continued eating the dinner even while I was sobbing and while we were arguing. He seemed to have absolutely zero remorse for his actions, even though he insisted that he didn't mean to say those things. He made sure that he had a full stomach before leaving my place...ugh.

 

I just don't understand his motives. I was perfectly kind to him, not overly kind, but I was just treating him like anyone would on a third date, when you are interested in getting to know someone. I just feel hurt and wish that I could have seen this coming from the start.

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Thanks, I really needed the outside perspective. It's true, he made me feel guilty for ending things the way I did.

 

I didn't mention that he continued eating the dinner even while I was sobbing and while we were arguing. He seemed to have absolutely zero remorse for his actions, even though he insisted that he didn't mean to say those things. He made sure that he had a full stomach before leaving my place...ugh.

 

I just don't understand his motives. I was perfectly kind to him, not overly kind, but I was just treating him like anyone would on a third date, when you are interested in getting to know someone. I just feel hurt and wish that I could have seen this coming from the start.

 

Three dates in is very early. The first few months are SUPPOSED to be the time that you closely examine the guy, including his behavior and character. So, why expect to see it the first date? If you take the attitude that dating is about determining compatibility, you will feel less upset that you aren't some magical clairvoyant.

 

You did the right thing.

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I didn't mention that he continued eating the dinner even while I was sobbing and while we were arguing. He seemed to have absolutely zero remorse for his actions, even though he insisted that he didn't mean to say those things. He made sure that he had a full stomach before leaving my place...ugh.

 

I just don't understand his motives. I was perfectly kind to him, not overly kind, but I was just treating him like anyone would on a third date, when you are interested in getting to know someone. I just feel hurt and wish that I could have seen this coming from the start.

 

This is the very definition of a sociopath. Look it up. They have no empathy for anybody and anything, and they never change.

They are sick people, and it doesn't matter how well you treat them and how accommodating you are. They are unable to feel appreciation, compassion, any kind of warm feelings.

Thank your lucky stars that he did what he did when he did it, move on and don't look back.

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