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Should I apologize for the way I acted in my break up?


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So, three months have passed since my ex broke up with me. We both did many things that were hurtful to the other party, and even though I am still healing from the aftershock, I am in a much better position than I was before. I want to apologize to my ex for the actions that I undertook. The fact that I harassed her left me with a lot of guilt and grief. My ex is already with someone else and they are nearly two months into the relationship. I don't want to be my ex's friend or partner, I just want to make peace for everything that occurred. I feel that it is also the mature way of handling things instead of maintaining hatred for one another. Truly all I want is to say sorry for my actions. I do not know if this is a good idea, however. So, I am here asking the ENA community if this is a good idea. If I received an apology from my ex, I would greatly appreciate it, but I know I will never receive one. For my own personal well being, I feel the need to apologize for my behavior during the first month post break up. What should I do?

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If its going to eat you up, write it down on an email, the sit on it for a few weeks. If its still eating you up, then send it. But know that its not going to change a thing except clearing your mind.

And just for one second think of her. Would sending her an apology help her in any way? She is happy now and if you truly want her to be happy, then let her be happy with this guy.

In due time youll get your chance to say Im sorry. It might be months or years from now but eventually youll say it. It wont benefit her right now, only you..Thats how I see it.

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The reason you would appreciate an apology is because you are the one who is still emotionally involved and an apology is contact. She has moved on and probably doesn't dwell on it so I really don't think it is necessary. It was a break-up. Emotions run high during a break-up and you've both behaved in a way that you otherwise wouldn't.

 

Do you really feel the need to apologise or do you just feel the need to reach out to her? They are two different things entirely because, if it is the latter, then you WILL be hoping for a response, regardless of what you are telling yourself.

 

If you really do believe that it will help you to move on then there is nothing stopping you from apologising to her, just make sure you have no expectations.

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I understand you want to feel better with yourself by apologizing but it has been three months and your ex has moved on. By contacting her now to apologize it may look like you just want to be in contact again. Everyone says or does silly things during a break up but i would not dwell on it. Accept that you acted in a negative way but it was understandable as to why you did this.

 

I had a ex contact me to apologize and really it was because he wanted to feel better about himself and it didn't help me as i was in a new relationship.

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Yes, thinking about it, I've had similar too - not so much of an apology, more of an explanation. If I am honest, it just irritated me more than anything because I saw it as unnecessary and just a way of either making contact or trying to get me to think/feel differently about him.

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I guess it was a selfish thought. Truthfully, I wanted to talk to her. It is just so hard to see her move on with another guy while I still have feelings for her. I do want her to be happy, everyone deserves happiness, even those who hurt you. It is incredibly painful to know your ex is happier in the arms of someone else a month after a relationship ended than with you. I guess I just missed what we had, and even though I have made huge gains in terms of emotional development, I still feel the sting of the break up. It feels as it was a much more difficult break up for me than it was for her. She moved on so quick with other men while I am trying to take the time to recover and become a better person, but still feeling the constant sting everyday. We would come into contact with each other nearly everyday for the first month, so really we have only had two months no contact.

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What No1 said, write the email then sit on it for a month. Then if you do decide to send it be ready and willing for anything to happen from it--i.e. she writes you back that you forgives you, she sends a really nasty communication back, she ignores you etc. Think of the very, very worst thing that could happen if you send the email and if you still feel you'd be okay with that, and it's something you need to do for your own peace of mind, then send a really simple two line email. Just apologize, no justifications or we both screwed up or trying to get a last word in, just "I'm sorry for the way I acted during our breakup." Clean simple, you're done and if she responds with anger or worse you can still walk away knowing you feel better.

 

This is after all for you, how it will affect her is up to her and it may not be the response you think it should be or are looking for. If you understand that and can still be okay with whatever happens then look at sending it after a month has passed.

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I think it's a good idea to apologise. I'd still appreciate an explanation/apology from my ex.

 

But oddly if you feel like apologizing now, I think it's not the right time. I think you're probably going through one of the stages of loss and it's unlikely she's going through the same stages at the same time.

 

So I'd put off the apology.

 

If you still feel like it 3 months from now, I'd say do it then.

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At least you are being honest with yourself and can admit that it was more about reaching out to her than the apology itself. Even if she had responded initially, you still wouldn't have gained what you really wanted because you would have been left wanting more.

 

I know it is tough but you just need to stay strong. It does get easier.

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You know..things happen and dont beat yourself up too much. You made mistakes and you have to learn from them. At the time you made them during the relationship you thought they were the best decisions. If you didnt think they were, you wouldnt of made them. But you wanted to be selfish, or be in control or whatever reason. End result, you lost her and how you acted didnt make it any better.

Okay, you screwed up...accept that you did and forgive yourself. I have made tons of mistakes in my dating life and many I regret but I cant change the past and only try to prevent from making the same mistakes in the future. If you can remember this, this has helped me a lot when it comes to dating. "You can be right, or you can be happy" Even if you know you are not in the wrong a simple "Im sorry" goes a long way. Nothing to do with who caved in or who was right. Years from now you will never remember who won the argument, you will remember your happiness

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I truthfully don't care if I was right or wrong. You see my mistakes were being needy and impulsive. It was all due to emotional pain that I was feeling at the time. It was also due to the fact that my ex moved on with someone that she emotionally cheated on me with a week after we ended. They are not together, but they had a few flings. The fact that she would tell me that she no longer felt anything romantic for him for the last six months of the relationship, and then suddenly once she left me, she started thinking of being in a relationship with him. That is what hurt me the most from her actions. Also, that she never saw that there was anything wrong with what she was doing. Apparently, emotionally cheating on me was no big deal in her eyes. I lashed out on her about this and the guy she is with now. I was so angry that she could replace me in such a short time period like I was nothing, I felt like nothing for a while. It was a huge blow to my self worth.

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Given everything that you just posted above, I'd say you were justified in being angry, and it seems like you still have some feelings of anger and betrayal to process. I think any contact with her at all, even just to send an email, would prolong this struggle in your mind.

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The reason you would appreciate an apology is because you are the one who is still emotionally involved and an apology is contact. She has moved on and probably doesn't dwell on it so I really don't think it is necessary. It was a break-up. Emotions run high during a break-up and you've both behaved in a way that you otherwise wouldn't.

 

Do you really feel the need to apologise or do you just feel the need to reach out to her? They are two different things entirely because, if it is the latter, then you WILL be hoping for a response, regardless of what you are telling yourself.

 

If you really do believe that it will help you to move on then there is nothing stopping you from apologising to her, just make sure you have no expectations.

 

Very true. Ask yourself what you really want. Really ask yourself. In apt of cases we all already know the answer. Can I ask why it will help that you apologize?

 

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

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You sound like you are very much in the anger stage. You will hit this stage again as our emotions and stages of recovery swing and are not linear.

If you want to feel better I would suggest shedding the selfishness. I sound mean but Im not trying to be but you want to feel better by sending her an email to apologize, but at the same time its probably a fishing email and you want to feel better about yourself. You also want to know how YOU were replaced so quickly and if she thinks about YOU or misses YOU or feels the same about YOU.

All those questions you have you have to rid yourself of them. It doesnt matter what she is thinking now or what she was thinking before. All the past promises and what she said have to be thrown out for it should no longer matter to you. The hardest part for us to accept is the current situation, or "THE NOW". Asking questions that you wont get an answer to does not help you and even if you got your answers would it really matter? Would you accept it or would you just ask more questions?

Look, I know you are hurting. We have all been there. I asked the same thing and once you shed your fears, wants and needs then you will be able to move forward. This is "THE NOW": You are not with her, she is not with you. Doesnt matter why. You move forward

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You can't get through one day without replaying your on-going hurt towards this breakup. It is VERY understandable. But it's odd to want to apologize about a situation where you still feel betrayed.

 

I think when you said that this is an attempt to get in touch with her, it made more sense to me.

 

The worst time to reach out to an ex is when you are healing. Your emotions are all over the place. Commit to No Contact with her.

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She was emotionally cheating on you, and lying to you. Therefore YOU have nothing to apologise for. My ex-husband cheated on me and eventually left me for this OW. I know exactly how it feels. The feeling of frustration is the worst because this is all being done to you and there is nothing you can do about it. I remember that feeling. But believe me, she knows she did wrong. She has tried to justify it to herself and to you … but she knows.

 

I know you are in a horrible situation right now but you will come out the other side of this. Like I did. Like many of us have. You will only start to do that though when you have let go of trying to find ways of getting in touch with her. You don't need to apologise. She hurt you. She lied to you. You are only human and you are going to react to that. It is done and you had every right to react. There is no need to apologise. You are just looking for ways to reach out to her but really you have to start letting go and moving on.

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I would add that you are way too focused on what happened post-breakup and not enough pre-breakup. Yes, she emotionally cheated on you. But you forgave her and continued the relationship, so I can't hold it against her. She indicated that she was thinking of leaving because of your depression. I think you raising a fist to her was just the last straw. I know you want to focus on her moving on so fast, but take a moment to think about why.

 

Basically, in my estimation, her attraction to you had waned. I know we all want to think our partners will be with us no matter what. I will say for me, having dated a guy with depression for two years, as mean as it sounds I would not date someone with depression and anxiety issues again. Instead of a girlfriend, I felt like a caretaker or reassurer. I felt very weighed down and I didn't want that for my future.

 

I think you should not feel guilty for your mental state. If she was not able to be with you because of it, better to know now versus when you are married. But you really need to take responsibility for getting your mental health together. And raising a fist means the relationship needed to end. It was going in a bad direction and was becoming (more) unhealthy.

 

Focus on getting better and make sure you see a therapist.

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I would let it go, BUT if you can't.... then say what you need to say in a non-threatening way. Email, letter, w/e. Don't expect a response, and before you send one you absolutely need to be sure you are OK with no response or an unfavorable one. (Or a favorable one.)

 

If it's just going to drag you back into the pit (and you are the only one that can determine that)...don't do it.

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I understand that, and I have been taking measure for my mental health. Believe it or not, I am in a much better mental state than I was before. My therapist even said she doesn't think I need therapy anymore as she can tell my improvements. I am trying to live a healthy life, physically and emotionally.

 

I know that it probably made her unhappy to have a depressed partner, I completely understand that. I know my faults in the relationship as no one break up is one sided. I do know I was taking measures to become healthy, I was attending therapy during the relationship, and when my ex broke up with me I offered to go to couple counseling and go to therapy with her as well. I'm not proud of my mental state at that time, I was in terrible condition, but I thought my ex would have been there for me all the way like I have been when she experienced her own trauma. I never left her side during her rough moments. The relationship was going in a bad direction, I can see that now, but I was willing to work through the rough patch and make it healthier. I am not abusive, even though my ex labeled me as so. I truly was willing to work hard on making the relationship work because I loved her dearly.

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The beauty of No Contact is that it's so simple.

 

It takes these kinds of agonizing debates -- "should I or shouldn't I do or say this or that?" -- right off the table. No Contact tells you NO. Sorry, nope. You'll have to find some other way to cope with what you're feeling now. Contacting her is NOT an option.

 

You have THE REST OF YOUR LIFE to apologize to this girl if you really want to. A few years from now, if you still feel badly about how you acted, you can go ahead and send her an apology (as long as you're really over her at that point). Trust me, an apology from you will mean much more to her after the fact, when you're no longer trying to get her back.

 

For now, just let it go. Let No Contact set the rules for the next several months. Stop agonizing about what YOU did and focus on recovering from the pain of what SHE did. YOU know you're not abusive, which is what really matters. SHE probably knows it, too -- but during a breakup people look for ways to justify their behavior, so it's easier for her to say that about you than it is to face up to her cheating.

 

And don't kid yourself that there's any "closure" to be had from making contact, either. Closure comes from YOU, when you move on, not from anything an ex says or does. That's an internal process within yourself that has nothing to do with her.

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@Blackmilk - i've been following your posts and you sound a lot like me in the way you think and feel. I, too, acted badly after the break up. I probably did worse things than you! If you're interested, send me a PM.

 

At any rate, I thought about sending an apology email to my ex for my stupid behavior. But like everyone is saying, don't do it. At least not now. Maybe in a year or more, when you're fully moved on and healed, and maybe you'll be with another person, then send it if you're still feeling guilty.

 

I typed up an apology letter and sent it to my good friend. He said it was good but it's not the right time to send it.

 

And, listen to what Sharky just said. I think she gave me the same advice.

 

Stay strong!

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I'm not proud of my mental state at that time, I was in terrible condition, but I thought my ex would have been there for me all the way like I have been when she experienced her own trauma. I never left her side during her rough moments. The relationship was going in a bad direction, I can see that now, but I was willing to work through the rough patch and make it healthier.

 

Still living in the land of "BUT." A lot of dumpees are there.

 

Here's a "BUT" for you. Relationships are voluntary. She has the option to leave at anytime, no matter what. No matter how hard you "want to try." Re-read this an remove everything after the "BUT." That is the dumper's reality.

 

It's great that you are doing so well! Keep that up and focus on continuing to heal. Don't quit therapy as I suspect it will help you in letting go of the relationship. And absolutely unplug from Facebook. She's not a part of your life anymore. Stop trying to be tied to her.

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Still living in the land of "BUT." A lot of dumpees are there.

 

Here's a "BUT" for you. Relationships are voluntary. She has the option to leave at anytime, no matter what. No matter how hard you "want to try." Re-read this an remove everything after the "BUT." That is the dumper's reality.

 

It's great that you are doing so well! Keep that up and focus on continuing to heal. Don't quit therapy as I suspect it will help you in letting go of the relationship. And absolutely unplug from Facebook. She's not a part of your life anymore. Stop trying to be tied to her.

 

I see your point. I learned though this that a break up is to blame of both parties. I would say that my part in the break up was that I didn't handle my depression in a healthy manner, the relationship was going bad in some aspects even though I would say that until the last week or so of the break up, it was a very loving relationship despite my condition. I have learned though that you must love and take care of yourself before loving another. I am taking these steps now in my life.

 

In relation to my ex, while she did emotionally cheat on me, lied to me about not having lingering romantic feelings for him, and treated me like dirt like when she laughed in my face for asking her if she broke up with me to be with the guy she emotionally cheated on me with, told me I did not understand what the break up was truly about, and told me that I needed to learn my lesson to never abuse anyone ever again, I do understand her motivation for leaving me. My depression must have truly made her unhappy, and I did not recognize that it was.

 

It's funny, I believe the mature way of handling this is by owning the individual blame as no break up is one sided, unless in very rare circumstances. I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't date until I am completely healed and healthy again. I want to happy, healthy, and know without a doubt that I am a very loving, caring partner and human being. People make mistakes, and I made a few. I'll admit that. However, mistakes don't define you, and it has took me three months to truly internalize this. I truly believed for months that I was an abusive monster, that everything my ex would say about how potentially abusive I was was true. On top of not having friends in college during the first month of the break up, all my friends were friends of my ex and they sided with her, I truly felt I was at the lowest I have ever been at for a while. It was a really rough road to recovery. I didn't even know I could get there, as this was my first break up, but I do feel like I am moving on and learning to love who I am as a person.

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