My story - 2.5 years in a relationship, broken up for 1.5 years now

[mathgirl86]

Yes I have a habit of overthinking everything.

 

I'm not sure if you have read the whole story, I don't blame you if you haven't though because I wrote some really long posts. But we are waay past the post-breakup phase where the dumper tries to keep the dumpee around for various reasons. We haven't met since last December and I haven't been in contact with him since January - he certainly haven't missed me since or he would have contacted me, this is the first time that he's showing signs of missing me even a tiny bit.

I'm not saying this means anything because I'm pretty sure it doesn't and yeah I know I still write and think way too much about it, I really should quit doing that.

 

On a side note though, I'm not sure if I agree with the whole "ignore unless he says he wants to get back together" thing. I have read a lot of threads and saw your answers to others, and while most of the time I agree with them, this I'm not sure. I know that in your case, this was the way it happened, but in general I just don't see why anyone would get back together instantly with someone who he/she hasn't talked to in months or years, I mean it's natural to have some kind of a "dating phase" after that much time. Most of the time both people are responsible for a breakup and I think it's okay if both of them want to take it slow, give it some time to see if they have changed enough etc, or at least have one or two conversations before even bringing up reconciliation.

Well these are just general thoughts though, in my case he certainly should say something much more than wanting to have a drink with me.

[Shane Falco]

Of course you don't agree with it, because you are a control freak. It's completely against your nature to sit back and let things happen. And honestly, every successful reconciliation I know of has come from the dumper coming straight out and saying that they want the dumpee back. I've been to two weddings in the past year where such a situation happened. Either way, him bringing up the idea of grabbing a drink at 2 a.m. isn't him asking you out on a date.

 

But yeah, way too much overanalyzation. I'm an overanalyzer too, but you are too far removed from this to be going through all of these mental gymnastics. If he wants something legitimate, he'll let you know. Until then, stay away.

[sharky988]

^Agreed.

 

I would also add that given your history of agreeing to be FWB with this guy, he's obviously going to be dogging around -- and YOU obviously have a hard time setting limits and boundaries where he's concerned.

 

You've given this guy the benefit of the doubt for LONG ENOUGH. He's had enough chances to be with you in an honorable way -- and instead he's played you, sweetie. He's taken advantage of your feelings for him and played you like a grand piano.

 

Send this tosser packing -- so you can be free to find someone who DOES want to be your real boyfriend!

 

Edit to add: it's not such a big deal to tell someone upfront you want to get back together. As you know, I did it -- but I've also had guys say it to me, guys who had much less history with me than this guy has with you!

[mathgirl86]

Well I guess you're right because reading this just made me cry.

You know the funny thing is, I really don't consider myself a stupid person, for gods sake I am doing my phd in mathematics, and yet when it comes to him, I act like the biggest idiot in the world.

I don't know why I still keep making excuses for him and try to convince myself he is such a great guy, when he really isn't.

[sharky988]

Sweetie, you're not stupid! We've all been there, playing the fool for someone we loved who didn't treat us right.

[Shane Falco]

Well I guess you're right because reading this just made me cry.

You know the funny thing is, I really don't consider myself a stupid person, for gods sake I am doing my phd in mathematics, and yet when it comes to him, I act like the biggest idiot in the world.

I don't know why I still keep making excuses for him and try to convince myself he is such a great guy, when he really isn't.

 

Your mathematical brain is a big reason why you overanalyze this situation. You keep trying to solve this situation like it's a formula with specific steps and think that you can solve the x + 2y = 13 just by applying the logical steps. That's not how feelings work though, and you've found that out the hard way. Instead of trying to solve this like it's the next version of the Pythagorean Theorem, it's time to put down the calculator and just let it play out on its own. Establish boundaries and enforce them. Keep it simple.

[mathgirl86]

So during last night, he tried to call me 5 times. When I sleep I turn off my phone so obviously after the first try it doesn't make much sense to try again, so today I asked him what's up (big mistake I know). Well he told me "nothing, I was just bored".... LOL unbelievable. Also told me that he was not only calling me, but a friend (girl) too, 38 times and she picked up in the end... Great story right? What an idiot.

 

Yeah I'll have to find out how to block someone from my phone. The thing is, I tried to do this once, but the problem was that while he couldn't call me, I still received a text about the "missed" phone call. Which kind of defeats the purpose... Also I can't block texts at all (or at least I don't know how).

I tried to block e-mails from him too, but in gmail the best I can do is to redirect his emails to the trash, but then I would look at the trash from time to time...

[Shane Falco]

Mark his e-mails as spam and DON'T CHECK THE SPAM FOLDER. And you need to contact your cell provider to block a number. They should be able to do it for you and you shouldn't get notifications of a missed call after they do the block.

[mathgirl86]

Oh but I would check the spam folder, I'm not strong enough. I check it anyway, because every now and then a non-spam letter ends up there. Once I created a new account and redirected his mails there (it had a very lovely name lol), but then I could just check that new account obviously, so I figured I'd delete the account... yeah then I got delivery failure letters to my original account.

Of course I could just stop answering if he calls or writes. I actually thought he was interested or something, I mean why else would he call 5 times but he can always surprise me. Bored. Okay.

[sharky988]

Oh but I would check the spam folder, I'm not strong enough. I check it anyway, because every now and then a non-spam letter ends up there. Once I created a new account and redirected his mails there (it had a very lovely name lol), but then I could just check that new account obviously, so I figured I'd delete the account... yeah then I got delivery failure letters to my original account.

Of course I could just stop answering if he calls or writes. I actually thought he was interested or something, I mean why else would he call 5 times but he can always surprise me. Bored. Okay.

 

So simple!

 

Change your email address and change your cell phone number.

 

Problem: SOLVED.

[Shane Falco]

Oh but I would check the spam folder, I'm not strong enough. I check it anyway, because every now and then a non-spam letter ends up there. Once I created a new account and redirected his mails there (it had a very lovely name lol), but then I could just check that new account obviously, so I figured I'd delete the account... yeah then I got delivery failure letters to my original account.

Of course I could just stop answering if he calls or writes. I actually thought he was interested or something, I mean why else would he call 5 times but he can always surprise me. Bored. Okay.

 

You can be strong enough if you want. You just choose not to be. I mean, it's ultimately up to you if you want to torture yourself. But once again, you are making a simple process unnecessarily complicated. You can easily block his number, you can easily not check the spam folder, you can easily change your number or email address. You just don't want to. You'd rather torture yourself for no reason.

 

Don't give me this "I'm not strong enough" thing. You are plenty strong enough. You just don't want to do it -- you're afraid of losing control (which seems to be a big reason why this whole mess has happened in the first place) and you can't stand not having a lifeline. But I think you are plenty strong enough to do it if you really want to do it.

[mathgirl86]

So somehow I am back in a really dark place... When I sent that stupid e-mail I didn't think I would end up here, but then a little communication here and there during this last month, and here we are.

A few days ago he asked me what my plans were with him - I didn't know what he meant, so I asked... He referred to my e-mail that I sent more than a month ago, you know, in which I told him that we should try dating again some time in the future... Back then he didn't say anything to that, instead he started calling me in the middle of the night, etc... But now, he had to bring it up and basically told me that he won't ask me out, ever.

Well after that we exchanged a lot of emails, all normal and honest responses from both sides, nothing ugly but still only things that would make me feel worse. Turns out he has a kind-of-girlfriend (not sure then why he is calling me drunk at 2am...), and he had to add that they understand each other so well, even when the other one doesn't say anything etc - hinting towards the fact that we often misunderstood things from each other.... What can I say, it felt great.

 

Now I know I am an idiot for talking to him. I know I shouldn't have done this and I can only blame myself, but please don't be too harsh on me, I am feeling awful enough, I really need some help. Obviously I have to cut him out of my life again and then never look back but I'm just having a very hard time with all this, I can't even find the words to describe the pain I am still feeling over him. Something is definitely wrong with me, I know that. Please give me some advice what to do, how could I come to terms with the fact that this really is over for good, and we will never get back together..?

I know it seems like I didn't try hard enough, but I did... I am a weak person in general, way too emotional, unstable, I have quite a few issues and with all this it was really hard to go no contact, to try to forget him... But I did it and I didn't speak to him for almost 6 months and I did my best to forget him, to move on... I tried to do a lot of things for myself, for my life... I just couldn't do more, I honestly feel like that.

And then I messed up. But even if I hadn't done that, I would still think about him all the time, wanting to tell him to give us another chance....

Don't know what to do, I seriously feel like this will never be over and I am so frustrated at myself, I don't want to feel like this, I don't want to be like this, I don't know what is wrong with me

It's the hardest thing I ever had to go through and I can't process this, I seriously can't. I can't deal with the fact that I loved him so so much I can't express, we were so happy, it was so unbelievable and then it's over.... and he felt the same way with me and yet now I am nothing to him and thinks that other girls are better? When I was everything to him, he thought I was so special, I was the one, he wanted to marry me...

I don't know how to accept this

 

I know I am pathetic, no need to tell me... but I'm really losing all hope that I'll ever be okay and find someone that I will love this much...

Yesterday and today I didn't even have the power to do anything, I am sick all day long, I can't eat, I'm crying constantly, and I am just so so sick of the fact that ever since we broke up, I have thought about him every day, he is the first thing on my mind every day I wake up, and then I start to feel awful and I can't go back to sleep. I can't deal with this anymore. Everything we did together is still on my mind all the time, it's been almost two years since then and yet it feels like it was yesterday, and oh god I just can't take it

Please help