My story - 2.5 years in a relationship, broken up for 1.5 years now

[mathgirl86]

Hi everyone,

 

I've been reading the threads in this forum for a couple of weeks now and I thought that now I could share my story. I feel kind of awful these days and I think it would be good to write down everything that's in me, maybe I can even get some good advice, or just support, I could really use it.

 

The story of me and my ex-boyfriend is quite long and complicated, I could write a thousand pages but I'll try to keep it as short as possible.

We were together for 2 and a half years. I was his first serious relationship, he wasn't the first for me but he was the first with who I was really in love with. I was 24, he was 20 when we started dating. It was really weird in the beginning, I don't want to go into details, but he had no clue what to do with a girlfriend, he didn't take me on a proper date for a long time, he was barely even communicating with me, basically he did nothing. His age and his lack of experience probably played a part in it. Also he is a very closed-off person, for a long time he couldn't open up to me about anything. Before me he didn't really have anyone close to him, just buddies with whom he went drinking etc. He's quiet, doesn't talk much, which would be fine because I'm the same way, but I am able to talk about serious issues, emotions etc (and I actually do that a lot with people close to me), while he not so much. This was often a problem for us, when I tried to discuss something important and he would barely say anything.

Despite these things, I fell in love with him completely, and after some time he realized he was in love with me too, and then things slowly started to change. We had a very passionate relationship. I can't even put it into words. I have never felt like this for anyone else, and I really can't imagine I ever will again. Usually this phase ("infatuation") wears off after some time, but it never did with us.

But. We also had a lot of low points in our relationship. As I said he was really strange for a long time, but even when he started to show me how he feels, we would have fights really often, mostly because one day he would be really sweet with me, but the next day cold and well, a lot of times he acted like a jerk really. There were some very bad stuff in the beginning, nothing like cheating though, but still, I could never fully trust him.

Of course he's not the only one to blame, I also did some things I'm not proud of. I'm a very insecure person, I have some baggage from my past that makes things difficult for me, and the way he behaved at first didn't exactly help with that. Also the way I felt about him was just so intense that it drove me crazy. This kind of love was new for both of us and we couldn't handle it. I behaved like an idiot often. I started fights about nothing, made mountains out of molehills, nagged him constantly, etc I think you know what I'm talking about. I was also very jealous because of his best friend who was a girl and years before me, he had a crush on her.

 

So the relationship was really intense, with a lot of drama and fights, but also with a lot of love and passion. When it was good, it was insanely good, like I would cry because of happiness, often I felt like I just can't take all this love anymore inside me. Despite the bad stuff, a lot of things were great between us, sex was amazing, we loved spending time together, we have wonderful memories that I still just can't forget... Some things weren't as good but with time they became better, and towards the end of our relationship I felt like things were finally falling into place, I could trust him more, we communicated better, we were finally partners, he was really there for me, he was great. I have many many great memories from our final couple of months.

Unfortunately it was too late by then, there was too much hurt, too much pain. We could never really get over the bad things from before.

One day I texted him something stupid, nagging him about something again, and that was when he couldn't take it anymore. I constantly wanted him to prove his love for me, nothing was enough. He felt like everything he did was bad for me, he was afraid to do or say anything because he was afraid of my reaction. So he broke up with me.

I didn't want to believe it for a while, because it wasn't the first time one of us said we should break up. But it was for real this time. This was in September 2012.

He wanted to stay friends and I couldn't bear the thought of losing him so I agreed. Of course I did all the things you would expect: begging, crying, confessing my undying love for him, etc. I did this for months!! But it wasn't easy for him either. Even months later he was still crying in front of me, saying that he will never get over me and he still loves me... But he didn't want to get back together, he said that we messed things up too much and they couldn't be fixed.

We were meeting regularly and well... we also had sex a lot, I know I know, but we seriously have an unbelievable chemistry. This went on for a while, things started to change in the spring of 2013, when he told me he was interested in someone - the girl I was always jealous of. I was devastated. But nothing happened between them and they are still good friends now, I don't think he was in love with her or something.

 

Then he started to keep a distance from me, started being cold towards me. While the whole thing was really hard for me and I wanted to get back together with him, I accepted that we were just friends, that he could date other girls and so on, but the thing I couldn't accept was that he started being kind of a jerk with me, not telling me anything even when I ask him, not caring about me, really just being very cold. Once he talked to me in very awful way, after which I didn't want to see him for two months, when I decided to let it go, even though he never apologized for that. He stopped showing any kind of emotion towards me. This hurt me a lot and unfortunately made me do things that I shouldn't have, like constantly nagging him about it, writing long emails, explaining how I felt, asking him to tell me if he still cares about me, and so on. Yeah, pathetic I know. Of course he just pulled away even more. By this time we saw each other about once a month or even less, but we still had sex occasionally (sometimes I initiated, for these cases I don't blame him, but often he started it, despite him giving me a lecture on how we shouldn't do this when I did the same). Yes I basically let him have FWB with me, you don't need to tell me how stupid that was, I know.

Now last year in November, he told me he kissed another girl. I listened to it like a good friend, I didn't get angry with him, I knew he didn't do anything wrong. I just wanted him to still care about me as a friend, even if he gets a girlfriend (they didn't get together in the end though). After hearing the news I couldn't sleep for a week, but I didn't tell him that. I really tried to be his friend. By this time I stopped with all those things I did before, begging, nagging, etc, but no matter what I did, he wanted to meet and talk less and less. He always said that he just can't talk to me about certain things, even that he just doesn't know what we could talk about. I didn't get it and I still don't. I was the closest person to him and now he says things like these to me... And I know that I used to get angry at everything and stuff, but I changed that, I did everything to show him that he can talk to me about anything. And in return, he stopped behaving like a friend to me completely. So I got nothing out of the whole thing, just pain and more pain.

 

Wow this is getting long, sorry, but we're getting close to the present.

On New Year's Eve, I was with a friend cooking dinner, and I started to cry about my ex-boyfriend because I remembered how we used to cook together. This was when I got really upset, I mean it was more than a year since the break-up and I still cried about him! I decided that this year something has to change. I wrote him a letter, telling him one last time that I want him to be my friend because I still care about him and miss him, and I hope he still cares about me and wants me in his life, and I want us to talk more, see each other more. But I got the usual response. Not giving a crap about what I say, what I want, how I feel... I asked him several times to tell me if he wants me to get out of his life for good, because that's ok but I want to know, it would be better than gradually shutting me out, but he never said this either.

I stopped contacting him, and he didn't contact me either. But I missed him a lot and by the end of January it was really bad, all I could think of was that I wanted to be with him. I searched for web pages on how to get back an ex (again, pathetic), that's when I came accross this forum. I read a lot of things and it helped so much, I was really surprised. I feel like something has "clicked" in me finally. I was always aware of the fact that I handled the whole thing in the worst possible way: begging him, telling him I loved him, even having sex with him... but I just couldn't stop. But now I finally realized that I really have to let him go. Maybe we will be together one day, maybe (probably) we won't, either way, I have to stop and just give up finally. Not just because I want him to miss me, but because I feel like crap and I'm so sick of it.

It's been a month since this realization, I haven't contacted him, and he hasn't either, until last night.

 

I got an e-mail from him with just a link to a song. It's a beautiful but sad rock ballad, it's in our language not in English but the title is basically "If I started over". It's about lost love. It has lines like "we were the best in the world", "I still have pictures of you", "you have always loved me", "if I started over, it would be good with you" (sounds kind of stupid in English).

Now what's this?! I won't reply of course... For one thing, I really don't want to feel those awful feelings anymore, as much as I miss him, now it's the best not to talk to him at all. Also, I know exactly what would happen. He probably expects me to ask him what this means, and he would say that oh nothing, he was just listening to this song and thinks it's good. I'm pretty sure he would say this. Like it's completely normal to send a song like this with no comment whatsoever to his ex-girlfriend with whom he's not even talking.

So I'm not replying and I try not to think too much about it. I learned the hard way that I shouldn't think too much into anything he says or does. I guess he was in a bad mood, listened to this, remembered me, and he's sorry for what happened with us, but it's probably nothing more than that

 

Okay I stop now. Maybe I'll write some more posts later, because I still have a lot on my mind, and it just feels good to write everything down. I hope it wasn't too boring. If anyone has anything to add, advice, comment, question, I'd be glad to hear them. For example if anyone has any idea why he would send me a song like this...

And as I said, I could really use some support while I'm going through all this. It's just so hard and I guess the next few months won't be easy either, but I really want to get out of this misery once and for all.

[mhowe]

He sent it to try and get you thinking about him again. Very selfish.

Because you hadn't given up contact for the past year...and you kept trying and trying and he like the attention. And he realized that maybe you'd given up.

 

Do not respond.

[professorplum]

Yes I would agree. I think you are doing the right thing by not replying and also taking a stand. If we are right and he still wants attention then this is likely to happen again in the future and you will have to remain firm. Not sure how persistent he will be. Depends how much he misses his ego being stroked.

 

Try not to beat yourself up about the past too much and try instead to look forward and have ambitions on what you will achieve this year. It is very unlikely you will get back together and if and when he decides it could happen, the chances are you will have changed your mind about the possibility anyway.

[anacleto]

Staying friends after such intensive relationship seems extremely difficult, especially if you keep regular contact and casual sex. It seems clear to me that you still have feelings for him but neither of you want to go back to being in a relationship, so my advice would be to cut all contact for a few months, no coffee, no emails, no phone calls... don't think "maybe one day we'll be together again", take that idea off your head, don't feed any hopes and try to move on with your life, keep yourself distracted and avoid things or places that remind you of him. Sounds abrupt but I really think it's what you need here.

 

The fact that he's sent you a song doesn't necessary mean anything special, he probably related to the lyrics through his own personal experience (with you) and felt nostalgic for a moment, I'm sure you feel the same way every now and then but know better than to act on it. It's also possible that he's finally realised you've moved on and misses the attention of having you show some kind of affection for him.

 

Either way, my advice would be to try and move on, no contact at all and after a reasonable interval of time, you'll both see things more clearly and maybe then you could be re-establish contact with him and meet up casually as friends if you've both moved on with your lives.

[mathgirl86]

He sent it to try and get you thinking about him again. Very selfish.

Because you hadn't given up contact for the past year...and you kept trying and trying and he like the attention. And he realized that maybe you'd given up.

 

Do not respond.

 

I guess you're probably right. Though he's not someone who likes attention in general, but yeah, not talking to him for such a long time is something that I've never done before so he must have noticed and wanted to get some reaction out of me again. Or who knows, really most of the time I have no idea what goes on in his head...

(I'm not doing a very good job trying not to think too much about this song, oh well..)

[mathgirl86]

Yes I would agree. I think you are doing the right thing by not replying and also taking a stand. If we are right and he still wants attention then this is likely to happen again in the future and you will have to remain firm. Not sure how persistent he will be. Depends how much he misses his ego being stroked.

 

Try not to beat yourself up about the past too much and try instead to look forward and have ambitions on what you will achieve this year. It is very unlikely you will get back together and if and when he decides it could happen, the chances are you will have changed your mind about the possibility anyway.

 

I don't think he will be persistent... He's just not like that, I don't think he will go out of his way to talk to me if I ignore him. Maybe he'll send a "what's up" text a few weeks from now and that's it. I'm surprised he wrote me at all, given how he didn't want to communicate with me in the past few months.

 

I'm trying to look forward, I'm thinking a lot about things, what to do to get better, to get my life in order. It's very hard though, I feel so depressed and lonely. But I hope it will get easier. I wish I could say that in the future if he decides we could get back together, I would say no, but..... Anyway, I hope you're right and I will get to this point where I would say no.

[mathgirl86]

Yes, staying friends was pretty much a lost cause, but I just didn't have the power to cut all ties. I mean how do you suddenly get rid of someone who you loved more than anything for years? Still, I know I was weak, with the sex and all...

Yes I still have feelings for him... Now it wouldn't be a good idea to go back into a relationship, I think I need some time for myself, I have some issues that I need to work on, but more importantly, I don't think he has changed much, he probably still couldn't handle a serious relationship. But it's not like he wants to try again so why do I even talk about this.. I try to forget the idea that one day we might be together again, but it's so hard. I don't know when I will be able to say that I fully let go of the idea of us. But anyway, I'm moving on with my life, and trying to ignore these thoughts.

As for avoiding things that remind me of him... I still don't know how to do that. Everything reminds me of him. Seriously, I get flashbacks constantly, no matter where I am, what I do, something will trigger a memory in me and it's just awful.

 

This is my plan, to have a few months of no contact. And then we will see. Maybe we'll start to get to know each other again, or maybe we'll never speak again, who knows. But I don't think I could ever be just friends with him with no romantic feelings whatsoever...

[professorplum]

Let us know how things pan out in the coming weeks. I still feel from what you have said that you will hear from him again at some point. The song link was a possible trigger for further dialogue and if you do not take the bait, he will surely try and tempt you with something more tasty. At some point in the future he will probably give up. To what extent you will be able to ignore is obviously down to you. It will be very hard because you still want to get back together even though you know at present that this is not workable.

 

The next few months are going to be very tough unfortunately but they could determine a whole new stronger you at the end of it. Your connection seemed very strong and vibrant so I think there will be more effort from him if you continue to ignore.

[mathgirl86]

Thanks everyone for the answers, nice to know I can come here with my problems and be listened to.

 

I guess I will hear from him again but knowing him, I really don't think it will be more than 2 words.. If he wanted to talk to me, he could. He had plenty of chance. I was basically begging him on multiple occasions to talk to me. Yes, once we had a strong connection, but since last summer, he's been working really hard to erase all that... I tried to save what we had, even if it just means a good friendship, but it wasn't enough. He decided to keep the contact less and less between us. I asked him several times not to do that, I mean he was the one who dumped me but still wanted to stay friends, he was literally crying back then that he couldn't take it if he lost me forever... and look where we are now. I feel like I'm nobody in his life anymore. Since last summer we haven't talked that much, met only a couple of times, and even when we talked I was usually the one who initiated, I was the one who asked about him, he never really cared about what's going on with me.

I can totally imagine that he just won't talk to me ever again, especially if I don't reply to these kinds of things like this song, or a two-word text. But it's also possible that sometime in the future he will really start to miss me, and he will realize how he was acting, that I really didn't deserve this. This is what I hope for, yeah it's my ego talking, but still. It just sucks so much to feel like the person who I've been loving for 4 years, doesn't care about me at all anymore. But with him I can never know. He's an expert at hiding all his emotions, even from himself.

 

Anyway, I will keep posting here if anything happens. Well, even if nothing happens. It just feels good to write down my feelings, and it's nice to get some advice and support.

[mathgirl86]

Just a quick update. He hasn't contacted me again since that song, though it has been just a few days. I haven't replied and I won't, fortunately it's not hard to stop myself, it would be much harder to talk to him right now. I'm feeling okay, better than last week. Although I have to admit that I've been thinking a lot about him and that song in the past few days... I can't help but wonder what he meant, maybe he's really thinking about us getting back together..? Yes I know I shouldn't think too much about this and probably it was nothing, and it's best not to hope for anything anyway. But I catch myself several times staring into space and thinking about what it would be like to be together again. Something had to go through his mind about us, if he sent me this song...

Well, time will tell. Whatever will be, I'm trying to do my best to get over it and be happy. Next week my best friend will be here, which is great. He's been living in another country for years now so we don't see each other too often. My sister lives abroad too, and my other friends are usually too busy with family and work, so it's been really hard going through all this basically alone.

I have some plans now for the next couple of months, I hope I'll be able to make them happen and get myself back, get my life back. It's just not normal that for 4 years now, I have been constantly thinking about one person, crying because of him, doing everything for him, for us. It's not normal. But I feel like finally I'm on my way to get out of this. Even if I still have some hope in me that one day he will realize he shouldn't have let me go...

[professorplum]

Good to hear an update. Hang in there. It might be a while longer before you hear again. This is going to take a while to come to terms with and it is really beneficial for you that you have plans and that you are keeping busy. I suggest you keep a slot of time to think about him per day if it is something you still need to do. Try and employ some thought stopping techniques for the rest of the day so that you are not constantly dwelling on what has happened. With luck the time you need to spend on this might gradually decrease and that in turn should make you feel more positive.

[mathgirl86]

I'm having some bad days again, thinking a lot about him, all the memories and feelings are so strong, now it's getting hard not to contact him, but I won't. I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean, what is wrong with me?! It's been one and a half years since the break-up. It's been months since we last saw each other. We haven't even talked for months now. It feels like this is never going to end. Something must be really wrong with me. How can I still feel all these things for someone who treated me like this? And why do I still constantly think about memories together? I mean it's been more than a year since I last went home with him to his parents' house and it still feels like it was last week. Those days were the best, when we were there. Being together for days, sleeping together every night, doing great things every day, cooking together, etc. I have never been that happy and I fear I'll never be again. Since we broke up this is what I've been dreaming of, to have those days again with him, to re-live those memories. Why can't I forget them?? I can't handle this seriously anymore. It's just so intense even after all this time.

 

I know I shouldn't hope for anything, but that's the best I can do now, to hope that one day we can start over. I hope both of us can forget all the bad stuff, that all the bad feelings will go away, all the pain and hurt and resentment... Well if that ever happens. I'm not sure. Right now I feel a lot of pain, and I am angry with him. Not for stuff that happened while we were together, not for the break-up, but for the way he's been acting with me since then. He was so heartbroken too, he wanted me to stay in his life, acted like he really couldn't lose me... yeah and now he doesn't even care anymore, doesn't talk to me, doesn't want to see me. It just hurts so much. I don't get it. I feel like he just needed me until he got over me, because I know it was hard for him too but I really thought I mean so much to him that we will be able to at least stay friends. I would have never thought he could totally shut me out of his life. It's like when he got used to not having me around, he started to gradually push me away.

I just don't get it. I thought he cared so much more for me, I thought I was so much more important for him.

But I have to add that I realize how stupid I was a lot of times, and I get that he didn't want to put up with that. Still... This right now, just hurts so much. I wonder if he will ever contact me again, if I don't contact him.

 

I just really really hope that one day he will contact me and apologize for being like this to me... I just really need that, even if that's stupid. I need to hear some kind of regret from him for everything. I don't know how else could I let go of all this pain and anger.

And until I feel like this, it would obviously be a stupid thing to talk to him again and try to rebuild a connection. I won't do that. I hope that one day we can get to know each other again, but only if all these bad feelings go away. I hope they will. I hope this day will come. I still think everything could be so great between us, once we let go of the past. I think that what we had, really deserves a second chance... but of course it's mostly up to him at this point. I could see it work, I know I have changed so much, and I hope I will keep changing, things are so much different now than they were when we first started dating... he has probably changed a lot too... We are two great, intelligent, kind people, we have a really strong chemistry, we loved each other so much, we have a lot in common... I just don't see why we couldn't be happy one day. I'm just afraid that he will never feel like we should try again, because he is so afraid that it won't work, that we would go back to our old ways... He is someone who tries so hard not to feel anything, because he's afraid of pain, and also he is so passive... I don't know... But I won't try to force anything on him again... It has to be him who reaches out to me, after all this...

And if that never comes, well... I don't know what will happen. I am trying to move on, I really do, but I don't know what to do with all these things inside me... and it makes me feel so bad that it's hard to do anything that I should do now, to move on and get back my life... Also I am so afraid that noone else will come close to him, that I won't find anyone who will make me feel like he did/does...

It's so frustrating that I know I could do things differently this time, I know I have changed a lot, I look at things differently now, I see all the mistakes I made, etc... but I can't do anything... until he gets to the same point, if he ever does, I can't do anything. And I know I shouldn't sit around and wait for that, and I'm not, but I still have these thoughts and they just won't go away.

It just seems so stupid to be apart because of stupid things when we could be together and be so happy and so in love, like we were once...

 

Okay I stop now... I just really needed to get all of this off my chest.

[mathgirl86]

I thought I would post an update, not that anything interesting has happened, but I still have a lot of feelings and thoughts about him and this whole thing and today is one of the worse days.

 

Nothing at all has happened since my first post here. He hasn't contacted me and I haven't contacted him either. Sometimes it was hard not to do that, but most of the time it wasn't because I know how I would feel when he would be a jerk to me again and I just can't take that anymore. I've been trying to get my life together, to move forward. I wrote a list about things I wanted to accomplish in the upcoming months and I think so far I'm doing a good job. I'm a researcher/teacher at a university, I'm doing my PhD and in the last few months I wrote a new article and I also started writing my thesis. I applied for an award for young researchers - I hope I will get it. I've been meeting more with my friends. Last week I had a trip to London, where my sister and my best friend live, it was really good. I've been reading and thinking a lot, about me, about everything, and I really hope that I'm making some progress. I have a lot of issues and I really want to change because I want to get better, I want to be better. And well, I don't want to mess up another relationship - not that this was all my fault because it wasn't, maybe it was more of his fault, but I certainly did a lot to make him go away and all those things that led me to behave like that (my insecurity, clinginess, self-esteem issues) are not good and I don't want to be like that again. I think I have changed in these things, well not completely, but I feel like I'm definitely better. But who knows, maybe I would fall back into my old patterns if I got back with him or with anyone... ? Hopefully not.

Anyway... this is what I've been doing in the last couple of months. In the next months I'm planning on finding a therapist, maybe start working out again, and in the summer I want to finally move out from my parents' and have my own place.

 

This all sounds good, and I definitely feel better than I did a few months ago, but I still think a lot about him. Today I ran into a buddy of his and it made me think of a lot of old stories and I just feel really bad right now... Sometimes it feels like this will never be over. I'm really angry with him, that he could just forget me like that and shut me out of his life... that he's not interested in me anymore at all, not even as a friend. I know that this is probably better for me, but still. It hurts. I finally got some self-respect and pride though, so I stopped running after him when he clearly doesn't care about me... but all this doesn't mean that I stopped wanting to get back with him, sadly.

I still hope that he will contact me one day, and say that he regrets letting me go and we should try again... I don't wait for that, I live my life as much as I can, but I just have this feeling that we can't be done for ever, that we will be together one day, we have to be.... We hurt each other a lot in the past so those bad feelings will have to go away, and we both need to change, but we loved each other so much, we were so happy together... I feel like things could be different. I think I made some real progress with my issues and hopefully I will only get better from here, I think I could handle a lot of things much better than I did when we were together, I see a lot of things differently and I just feel that from my side, it could work. Obviously, it's not just up to me... and I can't make him get to the same point I'm at... maybe he will feel like this one day, maybe he won't...

 

So these are the thoughts I'm still having pretty much every day and again I'm close to writing a letter to him. Is it a horrible idea? It is, right...? I mean, I know that if he wanted to do anything with me, he could say that... But on the other hand he's someone who is terrible with things like this, and probably he knows that I'm very angry with him right now, so he wouldn't contact me even if he wanted to because he's just like that.

I don't know. So I was just thinking that I could write him a letter, telling him that I think it would be worth to start meeting again, get to know each other again, and see where that goes, because I can imagine it would go somewhere great, obviously I don't know that for sure, but I think it would be worth a try.

Yes this is probably a terrible idea and I would come off pathetic, no matter how hard I try to write it in a cool way. But I'm just sick of having these thoughts every day, writing a letter in my head every minute...

 

He had his birthday last week and for the first time, I didn't celebrate it with him, I didn't even say a word... Even last year I had a t-shirt made for him, and I made some filled chocolates (shaped like a heart - we weren't together by then, so yeah, what was I thinking)... So it was hard. I don't know if he's angry that I didn't even say happy birthday, but to be honest I don't know why I should say that to someone who hasn't been speaking to me for months. My birthday is coming up next week but I guess I shouldn't expect anyhing from him.

 

Anyway. I'm probably not gonna write that letter, or at least I won't send it... but would it be really such a bad idea, like, months from now? I don't want to try anything until I still feel this much pain and anger... and maybe those will never go away when I think of him... but if they do, if I don't have any bad feelings about the whole thing anymore, but I still miss him, what if I try again then?

I still feel like he was the love of my life and I won't find anyone who I will love as much as I loved him.

[mhowe]

You are way overthinking all of this. He isn't not contacting you because he thinks you are angry. He has moved on --- and while he remembers you,

it is not a daily thought.

 

Yes --- you need to move on. Running into his friend brought back memories.

 

But trust me --- there will come a time when you think of him without anger, hurt or loss. You will find love again.

[doicare]

If he wanted to be with you he would be in touch with you. He has let go, so should you. You're torturing yourself over something that doesnt exist anymore except in your head. You're creating your own misery, it's been a year since you've spent any real time with him, so he is not the cause for your feelings anymore. Let go of these feelings and thoughts, they are only hurting you.

 

I still think about my ex, and we have been in contact after a period of NC, but I know it's not going anywhere and my focus is on my happiness and meeting that next amzing girl (relationship). You're young and your wasting precious time thinking about someone who said he doesnt care and mentally checked out more than 18 months ago. Please for the sake of your happiness, find happiness in yourself.

[mathgirl86]

Thanks for the replies. In my defense, it's usually not this bad as today, I have been feeling quite well generally, thinking less and less about him... I'm really trying to let go, but I don't know how to stop feeling things and thinking about stuff... It's not like I can just tell myself to stop having any feelings about him and don't feel bad anymore...

But as I wrote, I'm doing a lot of things for myself and I feel really positive about those. I just still have some days like this every now and then.

But maybe there's something seriously wrong with me that I'm not completely over him yet. I don't know, I seriously don't. I just know that I loved him so much and it is the most difficult thing I have ever had to go through, to lose him.

[patterned]

I still feel like he was the love of my life and I won't find anyone who I will love as much as I loved him.

 

I feel you. He was a love in your life. But not the only one. There's more out there. Moving forward wonder, learning, and joy await.

 

PS former relationship aside, your life sounds wonderful. You're kicking butt. I hope you're making the emotional space available in the present to enjoy it.

[mathgirl86]

Wow, thanks. To be honest, I don't feel it's wonderful, maybe I made it sound too good. Or I'm just unable to enjoy it...

I don't want to complain though because my life certainly isn't bad, and while today was not a good day, generally I'm feeling okay lately, at least compared to the way I felt before. I just miss being really, truly happy - I could only feel that with him.

[mathgirl86]

So... Some things have been happening lately and I thought I would share, maybe I can get some advice, although I'm a bit afraid that everyone will think that this is pathetic and I should just move on...

 

On my birthday (which was almost a month ago) I got a text from him early in the morning, wishing me happy birthday. I didn't expect this at all, because I didn't say anything to him on his birthday two weeks earlier, and we hadn't been talking for months. I replied back "thanks!", because I thought it was nice of him to think of me and I didn't want to be rude to ignore it. But that was it, after that we were back in no contact.

 

In the last month I was still thinking about him a lot. I realize this sounds completely pathetic, that I can't just let go and forget him and everything... I feel like I really tried my best though. It's been almost half a year since I last saw him and we haven't been in much contact since then either. I've already written about the things I've been doing these months, so I won't repeat those, but really, I feel like I tried my best to get on with my life, to improve myself, to achieve goals and just try to be happy on my own. While I haven't been exactly super-happy all the time, generally I've been feeling okay and I'm satisfied with how far I have come. But the thoughts about him are still there and a couple days ago was when I couldn't take it anymore and sent him a letter.

 

It was our "anniversary" a few days ago and I thought that this would be a good time to send him that letter that I have written like a thousand times in the last few months, but never sent it. I know that most of you will think that it was a completely stupid thing to do, and maybe it really was, but it's already happened so...

The reason why I could resist contacting him all these months was that I was so angry and hurt, and I decided that while I'm feeling like that, I won't contact him, even if that means that we will never speak again. I truly didn't want to speak to him until I feel so awful and also, I had many things about myself that I needed to work on, and to do that, I needed to be no contact with him. Obviously there's still plenty of room for me to improve and there are still some issues I need to work on, but I feel like a lot has changed in me, and that is why I thought it wasn't such a bad idea to write to him.

 

I sent it on the anniversary only because it gave me an "excuse", that this day got me thinking of him and that's why I write... I told him that I don't have any bad feelings about him anymore, I'm not angry with him for anything, and while I wasn't exactly happy that he didn't want to speak with me for months, I'm okay with it because it gave me a chance to finally get myself together, to change some things about me and my life. I wrote about how I am sorry for the way I acted while we were together and even after we broke up, how I was wrong to think that it was okay to be so controlling with him etc. I told him that I still think about what we had as an amazing thing and that I was very happy with him, and that I miss talking to him, spending time together. I said that I still don't think that we were incompatible, period, and that there were a lot of things between us that were really good and we had the opportunity to have something great, but we messed up. I also said (and this maybe I shouldn't have) that I still think he's a great guy and if some time in the future he feels like it's not such a bad idea, and we don't have any bad feelings whatsoever about each other anymore, and we will both be single, then we should try to date again, get to know each other again and see what happens.

 

Okay so by now you probably all think I'm an idiot.

But actually I feel like I managed to write this letter in a non-pathetic way, and after I sent it I still didn't feel like I was pathetic or anything, I was just honest about how I feel, I'm not ashamed about that. I didn't expect any reply to this, I even told him in the letter that I don't expect him to say anything, that is not why I am writing, I don't necessarily want to break this silence between us, I only wanted to write down a few things and that's it.

 

But the next day I got a reply, not much though, he only said that he thinks that this time was not that long that I could have gotten myself together completely, although he doesn't know anything about me now so maybe he's wrong. I replied that I'm not saying that I am a completely different person or that I could not be happier, but I feel like I've really changed a lot about myself, but obviously it's still a work in progress. Then he said that okay, he just doesn't want me to convince myself about something that's not true, but again, he doesn't really know what's up with me.

 

And that's where we are.

 

Now the thing is, I don't know where to go from here. Obviously I could go back to no contact and why don't I just get over him finally, etc... But now I had the chance to observe my reactions to his letters and I can honestly say that I really am in a different place than I was months ago. I really don't feel anything bad about him, I'm not angry with him, I don't feel jealous or possessive and I don't feel like wanting to know every little detail about his life... I don't know what has happened to him in the last few months but I am okay with whatever he might have done.

I feel like now we could be really "normal" to each other. I don't know what to do. Should I tell him that maybe we should try to meet, talk, get to know each other again and go from there? Should I just keep emailing with him back and forth, and see if he's interested in talking to me more and possibly seeing me? Or should I just do nothing?

 

I still like him but I don't want to force anything he doesn't want or anything that wouldn't work, and also I don't want to go back to that state where I am totally obsessed and crazy. Although now I feel like it will be okay even if he still doesn't want to do anything with me, I accepted that he is a person who has his own thoughts and feelings and I can't have control over him, and I don't want to have anymore.

[Ms Darcy]

So... Some things have been happening lately and I thought I would share, maybe I can get some advice, although I'm a bit afraid that everyone will think that this is pathetic and I should just move on...

 

Yes.

 

You need to actively focus on moving on. Cut off contact with him. Throw away reminders of him. Stop thinking so much about him. He's pretty done with you.

[Shane Falco]

There's nowhere to go with him but back to No Contact. You told him that you've changed, and he wasn't remotely interested. In fact, he's going out of his way to call you a liar. If he cares about your "changing", he'll find it out on his own time without you having to beg him to notice (and that's what your letter basically did). Right now, he does not and I think the odds of him ever caring aren't very good at all. And honestly (not to be mean), but it wouldn't take much to go back to being "obsessed and crazy" for you -- you are kind of toeing that line right now. Your post was way too long for a simple story -- he wished me a happy birthday, I responded, wrote a letter, he responded coldly, the end.

 

The letter was dumb because now it has your brain concocting all of these scenarios that have very little realistic basis. The fact that you sent it on your "anniversary" was foolish, because it shows that you haven't truly let go and you are placing importance on a past date that represents a relationship that doesn't exist anymore. I'm sorry, if I was him and I saw that, I'd think you were living in the past and still refusing to let go. And the fact that you said you should date again in the future was another huge red flag and came off as pathetic, no offense. I would guess at that point he just rolled his eyes and thought "ugh, not this again." That thought ruined any "progress" he saw from it and unveiled your agenda for writing the letter, an agenda he seems to want to have nothing to do with. He might even regret sending you the birthday wish now.

 

You aren't ready to see him and he's given you no indication that he wants to see you. Writing the letter was bad, but there's nothing you can do about it now. He knows now that you are making "changes", and now it's up to him to want to see if they're legit. If you keep after him and trying to set up meetings, then you are basically confirming his suspicions -- that the "changes" are bulls--t and that they are just a ploy for you to try to weasel your way back in. So leave your last response to him as the last response. It's on him to reinitiate things from here -- and a "happy birthday" isn't reinitiating.

 

Sorry to dump on your parade, but you are setting yourself up for a major, major fall right here.

[mathgirl86]

Thanks for the replies, this is what I was expecting, but still it wasn't so good to hear that yes I was pathetic and yes sending the letter was a stupid thing to do. But you're right. Now, some more things have happened since, and I am confused.

 

Before I read your answers here, we sent a couple more letters, nothing much though, I asked him how he was, what's up with him, he replied "nothing special...". That's it, and that was the end of our conversation. I didn't want to force it anymore and obviously "nothing special" doesn't sound like he wants to talk to me.

I have to add here though regarding your answer (Shane), that while he did sound like he was cold, he is actually like this pretty much all the time, he doesn't get much more communicative with anyone, something I had to get used to. The answers he gave to my letter, were actually surprising coming from him, while they were like 2 sentences long, I didn't expect him to write such a "normal" response (well I didn't expect him to write anything, he doesn't really like to talk about serious stuff).

 

Anyway. After this response, I decided that it's time to go back to NC. I know I sounded like I was already back at "obsessed and crazy", and I was afraid of that too but actually it was very easy to just stop with all this and say that okay, I tried, he still doesn't care, so I won't force this and I'm fine even if I don't hear from him ever again.

(Again I have to add, that yes I did write a really long post about a really simple story, but that is just how I am, I can write pages and pages about stuff like what happened and what I'm feeling, it's hard for me to use just a few sentences, not sure why when in person I'm not like that, lol.)

So I went back to NC and I didn't really think too much about him and all this, just went on living my life the way I did before I sent that stupid letter.

 

But then a week later, I got a letter from him, asking what's up with me. This was the day before yesterday. I was surprised, but I thought he was probably just bored or something. I haven't replied yet, I thought about replying something simple last night but then I was too tired. Well today I wake up, turn on my phone, and I see that he was trying to call me at around 2 AM. I have to say I am shocked, I can't even remember the last time he was calling me, he doesn't like to talk on the phone so even back last year when we were still in contact, it was by email. After seeing this on my phone, I checked my emails, and a few minutes after calling he wrote a letter saying that he would like to get a drink with me.

 

Sooo. Any opinions on this? What is going on in his head? He didn't seem too interested when I wrote that letter but apparently he's been thinking about it/me since.

I definitely don't want to return to where we were last year, when we were in contact, meeting every now and then, even having casual sex... and obviously then I couldn't get over him and I was hoping that we would get back together some day, just to have my heart broken all the time. I don't want that and I won't let that happen again.

I'm in a better place now, I know I wrote quite a long post again, but I really don't feel so crazy about him anymore. I'm not even sure it would be a good idea to get back together, although I still have thoughts about it and I wouldn't be against trying to get to know each other again and see if it is a good idea, if he wants it too.

 

So I guess that's it. Any opinions on his behaviour & how I should react are welcome

[professorplum]

There will be people who say don't meet up. I think you have to even if it is only to get this out of your system. Who knows what has prompted this 'interest' but you will forever wonder about it in the future if you decide to decline. It is not a date clearly; it is an opportunity to catch up. It may be only that. Either one of you may decide there is no point seeing each other again.

 

I say go along but make sure he carries through with the arrangements. Go for a drink with no expectations and if it subsequently upsets you or causes you angst so be it. You appear to be in a fairly calm place and not obsessed; you will cope with the fallout. You never know by seeing him, you may decide you are not that interested in pursuing this.

 

Good luck and keep us updated.

[mathgirl86]

Thanks. Actually I don't really want to meet up at this moment, as I said, I really don't want to go back to where I was last year, and I'm afraid that if I saw him, everything would come back and I would be obsessed with him again.

I have replied since, but I kind of avoided the question, well I could avoid it because it wasn't really a question, he phrased it like "I'm in a mood now that I'd like to get a drink with you". So he didn't ask if I wanted to get a drink with him some time, so I just replied that I was asleep at that time, so... Also, trying to call me at 2 AM makes me pretty sure he was somewhat drunk. So I don't take this really seriously, we'll see how much he really wants to meet me, if he does then he can ask me again and then I will decide if I want to.

The problem is, I would only agree to meet him if it was a date-like meeting. Being "friends" didn't work, and it won't ever work. Relationship may or may not work, but we could try "dating" for a while and by that I mean friends-like meetings, where we get to know each other again, talk, have fun etc, to see if we would like to try again as a couple. I just don't know if I should flat-out tell him this if he asks me again or what. It comes off kind of ... strong, to say that I will only meet him if it's a date. Well, we'll see how much he's really interested - although knowing him, I won't get my hopes up.

[sharky988]

^You're waaaaaaaay over-thinking, imo.

 

Ignore everything other than "I made a huge mistake and want to get back together."

 

Better yet -- BLOCK HIM so he won't be able to send you meaningless breadcrumbs. All your back and forth is doing is helping HIM to miss you less.... and keeping YOU thinking about someone who isn't worth your time and is most likely just sniffing around out of boredom, for an ego stroke or a 2 a.m. booty call.