7 weeks BU. Making arrangements to go shack up with ex-ex from 4 years ago.

[Createmyfuture]

If you don't know my story here is my pain journal

 

Moved out nearly 7 weeks ago. NC. Been staying at a friends house but it's not a great situation. I had winter hiatus from my job and so basically I came here to heal. 7 weeks on an air mattress, there is no future here bc he's selling the house. (there's already a post on the lawn)

 

Can't go back to my house bc I rented it to move in with my ex.

 

Anyway, I've been spending a lot of time with a previous ex of mine from 4 years ago. I broke up with her and she chased me for a long time but ultimately we both moved on and settled as friends. In the past few weeks of having dinners with her and movies and so forth she has mentioned (and shown) me that she actually has made some changes to things I had told her were the reasons for the breakup.

 

She works in the Empire State Building in NYC, owns a beautiful condo and has a nice ride, great education, no drugs, drama etc. All those good things. Well, I've been helping her around her place with hanging blinds and such. We've been discussing being together again, maybe cohabitation. I'm going there to spend the night tonight. We agreed that sleeping in the same bed will be okay. So I'm seeing this as a really good thing. She would never hurt me the way my ex did, and it would be so much better than where I am currently. Also, it would give me time to really get myself together while we keep each other company.

 

Where I am now is just a place where all the pain happened. I don't want to be here or think about it anymore. I'm ready to open the next chapter. I do think that my better years are still ahead of me.

[Tanzi]

I personally feel that you would be jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire.

 

What do you mean by "we agreed that sleeping in the same bed will be okay"? Are you moving in as a "lodger with benefits" or properly getting back together?

 

I think you would be far better off spending some time by yourself before making any kind of half-commitments because whereas you could just be looking for an emotional crutch and somewhere to lay your hat, she has evidently been waiting in the wings, waiting for something like this to happen and it is likely that she is going to end up getting hurt because she most likely wants far more than you are ready to give.

 

What is the arrangement with your own tenants?

[Createmyfuture]

Well, it would be sort of fwb. We do talk a lot, I actually vent to her a lot about my ex. It would be for companionship basically. And I can help her in other ways (financially/around the house) I mean, I don't want to be alone, she doesn't want to be alone. I agree, I may not be ready for a real new relationship, but it may be a good thing for 6 months maybe a year.

 

I agree, I want to get off the girl-drug and be single and free for a while and stop with the never ending perpetual rebound relationships. They are so destructive and hurtful. I don't want to go through it again and the only way is to truly allow plenty of time so as to heal fully ( and I mean from damage that was done years ago)

 

With that said, I think being with her may be something new. A different arrangement. I don't see how it would be jumping into the fire though...

[indea08]

You're jumping from one girl to the next...you break up with one girl so you move in with another? Especially an ex?? Bad idea, risky situation. You won't be able to stay single. Strings will be attached, you can be sure of that.

[Tanzi]

Because you are still getting over a recent relationship and are therefore not able to make a proper judgement or to see what you are really doing. Although you are looking at it as FWB, she may be hoping for a whole lot more. You are blinded by emotions at the moment and want to do anything to help ease the pain, even if that means that someone else may get hurt. Think about what it is she is really hoping for. I doubt she has agreed to this because you can help around the house. It is most likely because she has always carried a flame for you and, in time, you are going to end up in a situation you don't want to be in.

 

What will be a good thing exactly? To shack up with someone for 6 months until you feel better? It might be good for you (until you are done) but it might not be good for her when you leave in 6 or 12 months. If you want to stop with the rebound relationships then don't get yourself involved in another one. You might not be viewing it as a such but look at the facts … you are going to be living together, sharing a bed every night, helping her financially etc. It IS a relationship in all but name … and she will probably end up either seeing it as such or will want it as such.

 

If you respect this girl then you shouldn't be preparing to share her bed for a set amount of time until you are ready to move on or be single. Totally a bad thing.

[Createmyfuture]

Hmm, you guys are of course exactly right. I just got back from a new date, now I'm here waiting for my ex ex .we're going out for dinner.

 

The thing is like you say, I have been through unspeakable pain regarding my last breakup. Worst one ever as we lived together and there was an abortion involved. (Read my pain journal for the story)

 

I'm supposed to be moving on by all means necessary. I can't just sit around alone pining for my ex who's gone anymore. I'm trying to change my life. Honestly the best way is with another girl.

[sharky988]

I'm trying to change my life. Honestly the best way is with another girl.

 

Wow -- where did you get that idea?

[Clio]

Your ex ex still has feelings for you or she wouldn't be agreeing to entering such a dysfunctional situation. Right now you are only thinking of yourself. However, using another person as a stepping stone like that sounds really crappy to me. In my opinion, you need to learn to stand on your own two feet or you will always end up in unbalanced situations. The fact that she is willing to be used as a cratch doesn't make it OK for you to step in and take advantage of her weakness.

[Tanzi]

Hmm, you guys are of course exactly right. I just got back from a new date, now I'm here waiting for my ex ex .we're going out for dinner.

 

The thing is like you say, I have been through unspeakable pain regarding my last breakup. Worst one ever as we lived together and there was an abortion involved. (Read my pain journal for the story)

 

I'm supposed to be moving on by all means necessary. I can't just sit around alone pining for my ex who's gone anymore. I'm trying to change my life. Honestly the best way is with another girl.

 

You are totally going about this the wrong way. You are behaving like an immature teenager.

 

So whilst preparing to '"shack-up" with your ex and share her bed (whilst also refusing to admit that you using your ex and preying on her vulnerability) you've just got back from a "new" date. Do you tell these women that you are dating/going to date that you are planning on shacking up with your ex? Do you tell your ex that you are dating women? What happens if you were to actually fall for one of these women but you are sharing your life/bed with someone else? Have you really thought about any of this?

 

You're hurting. I get that … but you aren't the only one. The majority of people on eNA have been or are going through the same as you. That is ABOLUTELY no excuse to use people. You need to face the pain head on and deal with it instead of clinging from one girl to another to masque the pain. That is just being immature, cowardly and selfish.

 

If you want to be pro-active in getting through this then there are far more better ways to go about this than bringing someone else into your emotional turmoil. That is not fair on them. I am picking up from your posts that you don't really care about that though. You think the best way to get through this is with another girl …. thing is, you aren't talking about any particular girl, it's just really any girl.

 

What you are doing is not changing your life - not for the better anyway. You are running away and hiding from your emotions because you don't have the guts to face the pain or to face reality as most people would do.

 

As Clio quite rightly said, you are going to go from one unbalanced and crappy situation to another. Good luck with that!

[Createmyfuture]

It's not fair. I loved my ex gf and I would have never hurt her. I don't want to be in this situation trust me. It's not just losing the girl my whole life is f***** up. I rented my house out to live with her and now I am on a frickin air mattress at my friends house who happens to be a complete slob. Last night was the first night I slept in a bed in almost two months.

 

I've done all the typical things, to recap: Joined gym-go to church-therapy-rejoined old band-friends-family-work-study-online dates etc.

 

I am standing on my own. I have been in this house burning through the pain. I was completely alone for valentines and my birthday. At my age people have family's. I want that too, so I am going out looking to see if there is a spark with someone else.

 

In the meantime I am single. And I do see the benefits that come from that. Through therapy I've been sorting out years worth of junk in my head. At this point though my mind is like an organized closet.

[sharky988]

I think that on an intuitive level you can sense that it's not the healthiest choice to try to use other relationships to fix your life right now... which is why you posted about it.

 

Also, I'm confused why you can't simply break the lease with your tenant? Most agreements will have a provision that if the owner or a family member needs to take residency, the lease can be broken.

 

I'm also wondering why you think your breakup is anymore painful for you than anyone else? Everyone on this board went through Valentine's Day this month. Many people have had birthdays since breaking up. People are taking steps to cope with the understanding that HEALING TAKES TIME -- moving in with another woman 2 months after a breakup seems really extreme to me.

 

I'm not seeing an organized closet, sorry to say.

[Tanzi]

I loved my ex-husband. I bore 3 children for him, gave up my career for him, loved and cherished him as a wife should, gave him 13 years of my life. Then he upped and left us all for someone else and I lost everything. I didn't want that situation either but I had to face it and get through it … and not by grabbing hold of the first guy who would have me which is exactly what you are doing!

 

Then I found a lovely new man and we had a wonderful 3 year relationship. We had to end it due to age gap related issues. Neither of us wanted to end it. Neither of us wanted to be in THAT situation either. We knew we had to do it and we knew we had to face the pain.

 

Sh*t happens … to all of us.

 

Tomorrow will be our one year break-up anniversary (or "dumpiversary" as sharky calls it). Apart from a very brief encounter with one person, I have remained alone for the last year in order to give myself the time I really needed to get over my relationship.

 

So you are on an air mattress for this moment in time but it isn't going to be that way forever. You have a home. You have tenants in there for the moment but they aren't going to be in there forever. Here in the UK contracts come with break-clauses and I am sure you must have something in place equivalent to that.

 

There is nothing that you are saying that is convincing me that what you are choosing to do is the right thing.

 

You are preparing to use a women simply because you do not want to be alone.

[Createmyfuture]

I'm really sorry to hear this. I do appreciate the input. I think I am just terrified of being alone and living alone. I have had a girlfriend in some capacity for the last 7 years. This last one though, really knocked me out. I know the truth that I will have to go it alone for some time and really get my S*** together.

 

I can't uproot the tenants in my house, it would cause so many problems. Here in New York, it takes months of court proceedings and I wouldn't want to go through it. It's a family there. Also, I am done with that life anyway, i'd rather keep it as a rental home. There is too much pain there, it was good when I was doing the bachelor thing.

 

I think from where I am I'm going to keep saving money from the rent and my job and get a luxury apartment for a few years where I can feel good and stable. I'll also get a new car and basically be starting over. Maybe at that point in a few months i'll be healed from this recent breakup and hopefully be ready to start fresh with a new girl.

 

I think I will keep the dating site up though, I think it's important to feel like you can attract new people and also get out there and have fun and stay in the game so to speak. Eventually I'll have a spark with someone.

 

But yeah you guys are all right about what you say. I'm not in love with my ex ex and I can't really do that. I guess I am just so desperate to rid myself of this pain that I feel.

[Tanzi]

I think from where I am I'm going to keep saving money from the rent and my job and get a luxury apartment for a few years where I can feel good and stable. I'll also get a new car and basically be starting over.

 

That is exactly what you should do. Focus on getting yourself together in other ways instead of centring your life around having a gf. Take as long as you need.

 

I think I will keep the dating site up though, I think it's important to feel like you can attract new people and also get out there and have fun and stay in the game so to speak. Eventually I'll have a spark with someone.

 

I personally think you are putting too much self-worth on whether or not you have a woman by your side. There is nothing wrong with being single. There is much more to life (and to you) than how many women you can pull. Actually being able to stand on your own two feet says a lot more about you.

 

But yeah you guys are all right about what you say. I'm not in love with my ex ex and I can't really do that. I guess I am just so desperate to rid myself of this pain that I feel.

 

We would all love to do that but it really is better to totally purge yourself from the pain instead of using others to mask it, because they could end up hurting as you are now.

[Liraele]

Is she clear that this is your plan? (That it's not a relationship, it's co-habitation with some of the perks a relationship would usually bring?)

 

I mean really, really clear?

 

Gut feeling? This is a disaster waiting to happen. I don't think you guys are on the same page, and if you are going to move forward with this arrangement you absolutely need to be.

 

Focus on getting your feet back under you... and don't use people to that end. Needs to come from you.

[Createmyfuture]

I got over all my exes. I'm indifferent to all of them. I went through the pain. I don't ever even think of an ex that I had. This one though is different. The wound is so severe. I have barely functioned in the last 7 weeks without the burden of this loss. Every thought or memory comes with waves of searing pain. Sometimes I'm talking to someone and I feel like i'm going to close my eyes and collapse or pass out. I feel like there's something wrong with me.

 

I don't even know how to be single and happy, although there was a time from 21 to 26 where I was single. I remember being so strong at that time. It's in such contrast to how codependent I've become. ugh.

[sharky988]

What you describe is completely normal. It sounds like this is your first serious breakup. Hopefully, it'll be your last -- but many of us here have been through this more than once in our lives.

 

There's much to be said for learning to be happy on your own. Probably the only benefit to going through a breakup is that you tend to come out stronger on the other side. This will happen for you, too.

[Createmyfuture]

What you describe is completely normal. It sounds like this is your first serious breakup. Hopefully, it'll be your last -- but many of us here have been through this more than once in our lives.

 

There's much to be said for learning to be happy on your own. Probably the only benefit to going through a breakup is that you tend to come out stronger on the other side. This will happen for you, too.

 

I've had several periods of hurt during the sewing of my wild oats phase in my twenties. In my life there are three that stand out. My high school sweetheart. (In those days we didn't even have cell phones, just beepers, no caller i.d, limited internet and certainly no sites like this)

 

Without the knowledge of how to heal I tore open that wound many times before healing finally after years. Second, a relationship that brought me here 4 years ago for several months. It was an age gap relationship, she was much older, divorced with kids. It was doomed to fail. It was the pinnacle of all heartbreaks for me. The one which I would base all others on. It was a feat and an accomplishment. That is until this one.

 

In recent weeks I have become aware that this event would trump my all time heartbreak of years ago and in fact make it pale in comparison. I cannot even yet fully gauge the full scope of it as I am still very much in it at 7 weeks.

 

However, based on being here four years ago and having that experience, I knew exactly what to do. Which is everything and anything to move forward in a positive direction. I'm looking forward to having this behind me.

[sharky988]

Yes -- I didn't think this was your first relationship or your first breakup. Only that this was your first *serious* breakup -- which honestly is as traumatic as being hit by a truck.

[jphcbpa]

 

 

 

In recent weeks I have become aware that this event would trump my all time heartbreak of years ago and in fact make it pale in comparison. I cannot even yet fully gauge the full scope of it as I am still very much in it at 7 weeks.

 

.

 

perhaps you are grieving the other break ups as well or something from your child hood. worth considering and taking a look at.

[jphcbpa]

 

I don't even know how to be single and happy, although there was a time from 21 to 26 where I was single. I remember being so strong at that time. It's in such contrast to how codependent I've become. ugh.

 

those 5 years will serve you well during this time. Are you doing work around this self proclaimed "codependency"?

[Createmyfuture]

perhaps you are grieving the other break ups as well or something from your child hood. worth considering and taking a look at.

 

I believe this is true as I have been in a perpetual state of rebounding for years now. I think staying single for a while, maybe 6 months to a year could benefit me at this point. I became addicted to the drug unfortunately. Screwed up my whole life.

[Createmyfuture]

those 5 years will serve you well during this time. Are you doing work around this self proclaimed "codependency"?

 

I think taking the time to get my s*** together so that I don't 'need' a woman in my life will serve me well down the road when I do meet someone else.

 

And as crazy as these past two months have been, there is a calm in the air. Reminds me of being a kid after school. It's peaceful. I just have an urge in life or this desire to be working on a family right now. That's what I really want. Seems counter intuitive to be single in order to achieve that. But I guess it's necessary to take this time and sort some things out before rushing into anything new. It's also boring as hell.

[jphcbpa]

I believe this is true as I have been in a perpetual state of rebounding for years now. I think staying single for a while, maybe 6 months to a year could benefit me at this point. I became addicted to the drug unfortunately. Screwed up my whole life.

 

this is the time to build a foundation of self love and understanding that could last you the rest of your life.

[Shane Falco]

No offense, but this idea of shacking up with your ex to "not be alone" for a short period of time is one of the worst I've read on this site. You need to learn how to operate on your own, not rebounding like a pinball and leaving carnage (both to others and yourself) in your wake. I mean, go on Craigslist and find a roommate. This ex idea is just awful and you should probably run laps for actually seriously thinking about it.