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In very much need of advice, 31 M & 30 F, 13 yrs togther...whats happening to us


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hello all, im new here and have been reading posts for a while, im in desperate need of advice, we been together for 13 years, 3 kids, a home, a family, she works at a fast paced restaurant, started from the bottom and now is one of the managers there, shes always been close to her boss, since hes the main manager she has to keep in touch for employee issues, scheduling, restaurant issues, \

 

Some days ago he confessed to her thru text messages his feelings have grown, and they are now more than just boss/employee feelings, he told her he has very strong feelings for her...later that day she told me what had happened , she told me she had not done anything wrong, that she didn't feel that way towards him, that she loves me, and she cried.

 

The next day they continued texting, I was at work so they texted all day, when she got home I read some messages she had tried to delete but didn't since the phone keeps a backup copy she didn't know about, they were kinda flirty back and forth, and she eventually she tells him she also has feeling for him, they talk about me and our kids, about his wife, if they were going to tell us, that same day we argued, I even called him up and told him I knew what was going on and told him if he things he can mess up my life, I will mess up his (in somewhat more aggressive words). Also that same night, she told me how embarrassed she was and she told me to leave, and for the first time in our relationship I was hurting so bad I did get my clothes and put some in the car, when I went in for more she stopped me and told me not to leave, because she loves me, she apologized for everything and we both cried.

 

Fast forward a few days later, we still arguing, and fighting, Its me who brings it up, I try not to think about it but I cant help myself, I ask her things about it, she tells me she does love me and wants to be with me, but she says he is just her boss and a very close friend she does not want to lose. She feels she can talk to him about things she cant with me. This took a few days, because at first she just said they were feelings but she wasnt sure what kind of feelings, and she didnt want to know. Whatever feelings are there she just wanted them to be there, and not find out what they meant. A few days later is when she told me it was more emotional, when I asked her what exactly that meant since "emotional" is a very big word, she clarified she felt she could talk to him about things she couldn't with me. Physically, sexually hher love and heart, are mine she says.

 

She did tell me when the time was right she would tell him they could never be more than friends, however when that will happen she doesn't know. When I asked her whats keeping her from telling him that, she said she wants to wait for right time because she feels like she could lose him as a friend when she tells him.

 

What gets to me also is some of the messages he tell hers are things like " I need your trust" and "I need your loyalty", "you should follow my guidance", he says things like that when they are texting about work related issues,

 

Of course theres 2 sides to every story, for 7 years I was an alcoholic, drank daily, for 3 years after that I drank weekends only, but constant weekends and drink to get drunk. Most of those times I would do my own thing, listen to music, video games, I know it was terrible, I hate it. This year is when I stopped, I know I wasted all that time and it was a factor in whats been going on. That is a past that wont come back.

 

Whats going on right now is just killing me, any confidence I had is lost, whatever self esteem I don't have, I cant stop thinking about it, its killing me inside.

 

She has worked very hard to get to where shes at, she does not have a degree or anything like that so if she were to move somewhere else she would start from the bottom, I will not make her or ask her to pick between me or her job, but she did tell me she wouldn't pick, it would be up to me, either I can live with it and trust that she loves me and wants to be with me, or I can leave.

 

Im at a loss, I cant be without my kids, I do love her, I want to trust her, I feel like im the only one who loses here. I cant be at ease know they are working together, wondering whats going on with them, I just don't want to be this person..it took years to build up our trust and now I feel like its crumbled. Feeling very insecure.

 

I guess im seeking advice from someone else's perspective, I am about 99% sure nothing else has happened, meaning nothing physical or sexual, just those messages. Ive been feeling empty this past week, and somewhat lost. I just want everything to be fixed, all this fighting we have been doing I am pretty sure she will tell him about it.

 

Please help

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She has put herself in to a position here where she more or less has created two marriages. One at home and one at work. One of these has to end. You are going to have to force an ultimatum at some point if you have any chance of saving your marriage. Then you both need to start counseling immediately to deal with what has happened. Your wife is being extremely selfish.

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Get thee to marital counseling. Quickly.

 

I'm sorry for the pain you must be feeling. I'd strongly suggest getting neutral, outside support *now*. From your church, from a family therapist, from some type of professional that helps couples deal with these things. You're talking about an entire family structure and it sounds like you both want to make this work. Please find a way to get help before this gets split beyond repair.

 

Your wife absolutely needs to decide where her heart is and you have to firmly state boundaries of what you'll deal with...this all starts with clear, non-judgmental and ridiculously honest communication about where you're both at and what you both need to be secure.

 

Get help. Keep talking to us here, we're in your corner.

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This is a difficult and sad story about love v. need. I am so sorry this is happening to you.

 

Background, as I see it.

(1) Whether something physical has happened is a distraction - you saw messages of them talking about whether to tell the spouses. So whether it is physical or not, it is something they have acknowledged something between them and wondered what were they going to do about it. This tell you it isn't one-sided, and in some ways they have each united together to the detriment of their spouses. So, physical or not, there is some sort of connection that violates a marriage vow.

 

(2) Your wife's emotional needs have been ignored for years, as you point out. She chose to stay, perhaps because she had so much autonomy there was (seemingly) no practical reason to leave. No one will live without speaking his or her voice, as evidenced in oppressive societies and situations everywhere. He happens to be someone who received her "voice" - acknowledged that she exists, validated her work ethic, etc. Now, she has become emotionally dependent on his validation, and has made it clear she is not giving that up. They have developed a codependent relationship.

 

(3) Now, you are all in, and she is half in, if that much.

 

Now what?

 

(1) Recognize that it takes two to build, maintain, and recover a relationship. You can not do this on your own.

(2) If she were ready to commit to you, she would rebuff her boss, possibly file a legal claim, and find a new job. She would NOT be starting all over. She can come in at another restaurant in the managerial level. Her boss might retaliate, might refuse to give a recommendation, etc; she will have to think through how to manage the transition. Whatever it requires of her: she NEEDS to find another job if she intends to commit herself to the marriage.

(3) Make it clear to that you are committed to the marriage. What does she need from you?

(4) Focus on her, on you, on the two of you. Do not focus on the other guy. That will only bring him into your marriage more. Do not think about him, do not talk about him. Talk about her.

(5) She may not be ready to commit. You can't make her.

(6) Counseling on your own and with her if she so chooses may help you sort out how to manage yourself while she is perpetuating this chaos.

(7) If anyone leaves -- it should be her. Do not be a victim of her chaos. If she refuses to take responsibility for her actions - she is refusing responsibility right now - then all she is trying to do is manipulate you to protect herself. This leaves you with nothing.

 

I'm sorry for your pain. You stopped drinking, presumably you have found greater pathways to facing your fears, recognizing your self-esteem. Keep those positive affirmations in mind. Keep a vision in mind. DO NOT LET HER DICTATE YOUR SELF ESTEEM. Do not give away that power to anyone. You overcame bad habits and addictions. Keep going.

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You need to immediately go to marriage counseling with her. A counselor will tell her that her relationship with her boss is not a 'friendship' but a totally inappropriate emotional affair, and that as such, she must totally give him up if she wants her marriage to work.

 

And if she's a manager at a restaurant, the world is full of restaurants she can manage and apply for jobs there. So that is nonsense that she can't go anywhere else, because she can.

 

I think the real issue is she doesn't want to give him up, and is having her cake and eating it too having two men at the same time. And the man at work is working harder to try to 'win' her, so it's like she's single again and getting all kinds of attention from multiple men.

 

So she is putting you in a totally unfair position. And you should NOT under any circumstances leave the house or she could sue for divorce on grounds of desertion, when in fact she is the one having the emotional affair and you could sue her for adultery. So she needs to own that if this marriage breaks up, it is because she is being very spoiled and unrealistic wanting to be married to you while 'dating' her boss.

 

If you can, save copies of her text messages to her boss (get them from the phone company) to use in the event of a divorce to prove her adultery/flirty exchanges etc. And prepare youself because she could well be planning to eventually divorce you for him, and they just aren't ready to do it yet for whatever reason, and she's stringing you along. It is very telling that she said you have to tolerate him in her life 'or else', i.e., she is choosing her relationship with him over her relationship with you, which is totally wrong since you are her husband.

 

So you can try the marriage counseling and the counselor will straighten her out pretty quick in terms of her unrealistic expectations that she gets to keep this other man in her life. But ultimately, if she chooses him, you are better off having evidence of her wandering eye for use in the divorce.

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So you can try the marriage counseling and the counselor will straighten her out pretty quick in terms of her unrealistic expectations that she gets to keep this other man in her life. But ultimately, if she chooses him, you are better off having evidence of her wandering eye for use in the divorce.

 

This is very important. Trying to convince her yourself that what she is doing is inappropriate in terms of a marriage will only result in a power struggle. Make going to counseling mandatory. You guys have a lot of damage to deal with from both sides.

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I'm sorry to be an outlier, but I don't think the following should be glossed over:

 

Of course theres 2 sides to every story, for 7 years I was an alcoholic, drank daily, for 3 years after that I drank weekends only, but constant weekends and drink to get drunk. Most of those times I would do my own thing, listen to music, video games, I know it was terrible, I hate it. This year is when I stopped, I know I wasted all that time and it was a factor in whats been going on. That is a past that wont come back.

 

It's good that you recognized your faults and are committed to being a better man now..

 

But you have NOT been a model husband for the past 13 years. You emotionally abandoned her for a decade! The constant disappointment and selfishness is enough to make a woman fall out of love. You're lucky she didn't end things with you sooner.

 

I think she has a decision to make. A year isn't very long being sober, so you are a risky bet. Dating her boss is a risky bet too. Maybe the best scenario is a trial separation so your wife can live on her own for awhile. Cut off the emotional affair with the boss AND add distance from you, OP.. Perhaps only then can she figure out if she can love you again and if you two should try to have the happy family life together you've never had.

 

You're up against years of resentment, so just because you sobered up and are trying to be a good husband for the past year does not make up for 10 years of alcohol addiction, selfishness, and disappointment. Your marriage was never stable so trying "get back" what you had is disingenuous.. She has to be willing to trust you and open to forging ahead with you after being abandoned for so long.

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Building on, if not agreeing with all of, Iggles' post.

 

- The past is important, but it is in the past.

 

- There is never, ever, ever an opportunity to go back but there is always an opportunity to go forward.

 

- You both are risky bets, for the same reason. Each of you escaped the marriage, one to alcohol, the other to a man. In a way, its the same thing.

 

The ONLY way to move forward is accept that what's done is done, accept in themselves and accept it in the other.

Then OKAY, this is what tools we have, this is what limits we have.

Make a VISION. What do we want it to be like together?

Make a PLAN, this is how we make a relationship with the mixed bag of tools we have.

 

A therapist or counselor might help you get through the conversation especially clarifying your vision together - a time when it is easy to blame the other one for not being able to live up to the vision. When we make a vision or a plan, we feel vulnerable that we are creating false hopes. It is safer - it seems - to blame the other person for taking our visions away from us then to dream and be disappointed.

 

A behavior modification specialist may help you both face your challenges directly instead of denying them and turning outside the marriage for comfort.

 

Remember that anger = fear, coming out in a different way. Sometimes, its easier to create a caring conversation when we express fear instead.

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Its an emotional affair and things will have to come to a head. She needs to know that you wont put up with this and either she picks you or she picks him. There is no other option. You should not and cannot put up with this happening.

 

Whatever happens, I agree that you SHOULD NOT LEAVE. Make it VERY clear that if she choses him, SHE is the one who leaves i.e. She picks him = she loses her home, you, her 'old' life and hurts her family. It may be the slap in the face she needs to wake her up to the reality of her situation.

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Its true, OP needs to establish his boundaries. But just giving her an ultimatum does nothing to address the underlying decay that led each of them to this point.

 

While he was checked out, she was working and building this relationship with her boss, intentionally or not it doesn't matter. She built the friendship with him because she needed it. To ask her to drop it right now, when she has no support with which to replace it, is a tall order.

 

And she needs to do it to save the marriage, I agree. She also needs some other source of support to make it happen. She is too depleted to do it on her own.

 

If he could say to her: I understand why you ended up feeling so close to someone else, and I understand if you want to leave this marriage, this house, this life, and go do something else. I want you here. I want to get the support I need to contribute to this relationship in a way that matters to you. I want to get you the support you need that gives you the courage to drop this guy and get a new job. And I want us both to focus on rebuilding our relationship, whatever it takes. You are not a villain, and neither am I. We both have treated each other poorly. Let's agree to recover from that. Let's agree to clear the slate of all distractions, and focus on rebuilding this family.

 

Brave brave brave. And it might not work. But it might.

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Are you married?

 

That said,

Ahh, another once in a lifetime love story with a restaurant owner troll.

 

It’s good you called him and told him to not mess with your wife but you must NEVER be that direct again. (More than once is weakness!)

 

Instead, if you can, and the time is right:

While you and your wife are having a heart to heart about this parasite try to sneak the words “constructive termination” into a sentence.

Your wife will repeat them to the parasite and that should quickly end the “romance”. (He doesn't need trouble when there are so many more clueless girls within reach.)

 

Unfortunately this will not be the end of your problems. Unless you are willing to change your marriage is doomed.

 

Ignore the fantasy that she must change or that it’s 50/50… she’s nowhere near that stage. If you pursue/push that logic you will lose your wife.

 

What to do:

- You must be certain you want to be married to her.

- You must not waste anymore time!

- The troll is not the problem... there's dozens of his type everywhere in her life.

- Never tell your wife about this forum or use a computer/machine she has access to.

- You must keep coming back here for help.

 

Do you want to save it?

 

PS, Marriages can be saved… I did it!

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Thanks for everyones advice, I realize now what my drinking did, and I do feel at fault, it was something that gripped me and I couldn't shake it off, I do feel shame and regret, when before I felt pride in being that way. I stopped drinking for other reasons, health related. but it opened my eyes to everything else that it had clouded before.

 

when I posted the first time, I was at a point where I was trying to make sense out of everything, trying to see how everything could be alright, but I realized I cant, after reading everyones posts, she kinda would shift blame on me and I tried to see things her way, so I did feel at fault.

 

I did get the courage to leave today, altought I am very scared, I took clothes and such, I was getting my things slowly hoping she would show up and just tell me and comfort me that everything will be ok, , I can sleep at my workplace which is where I am now, I want to call her, and cry more, but im trying to hold back. I know some suggested she should leave, she even suggested it herself, but im fine with leaving, if she left she would take the kids, and I would be fine with that only because i know she is a good mom and they would probably prefer to go with her anyways, and i don't want to see them sleeping on a couch somewhere , i know they want to be in their beds.

 

I basically told her she needed time to see what it is she wanted, and I would be willing to let her, even though she told me not to leave, I cant help but feel like im rolling a dice and maybe this can backfire and maybe she will realize she is actually happier without me...

 

I told her she needs to tell him their boundaries, if there is or isn't something that can happen between them she needs to tell him instead of leaving things in the air, I told her I am not ok with him texting her anymore, unless strictly work related, no more friendly texts. I acknowledged even after she did that, i still wasn't sure how i would feel about them working together, but she needs to make it crystal clear what she feels or what she doesn't feel and what she wants or doesn't want with him.

 

When I left, her last message she sent was "i am so mad at you, but i understand you, and i will fix it, i promise"

 

Her job is her job and I agree she can find others, but I know before all this happened she was happy, she had longtime friends there, I don't want to ruin that, when were home were together and with our kids and sometimes at night to tired and just wanna sleep after they do, I know she takes her mind off her wife/home life when she is at work.

 

Thanks to everyone, i do want to save my marriage, i will keep everyone updated. Also as far as the marriage counseling, i will keep that option open if it comes down to it. For now these posts gave me some kind of reinforcement to my decision to leave, even though like i said i am scared of the outcome.

 

Thanks again everyone.....i really appreciate everyone taking the time to read my post. ....

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All sounds very noble but if you are as you say you are, an alcoholic, then your moving out is just one last feeble attempt on your part to control her. (Ref. to AA book.)

It will fail and yes, after a very short time, she will be happier without you.

 

Separate bedrooms, moving out and no contact are pop-culture's required formalities before the inescapable divorce. By doing so, you once again signal to her continued unwillingness to become a genuinely loving/caring husband. (Self-pity)

 

Right now you're probably thinking this les guy is really harsh.

Once your wife starts sleeping with, (fill in the blank), and you're in court a few times and have to watch your kids getting picked up by some guy they're calling Dad... you'll think back to this time as your salad days and cry.

 

If you don't want to try and save you marriage... fine, you're doing everything you need to do.

If you want to stay married... you're making every mistake in the book.

 

PS, She doesn't feel sorry for you and by the time you decide to get real help, (people who saved their marriages... not counselers), she have been sleeping with him for weeks. (Wasted time is your enemy!)

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I think this is a big mistake. Moving out will just give her permission to 'explore' the other man... as in, 'he left me and the family, we are now separated, so it is OK for me to start dating and exploring this other man since we are separated. He ran away rather than confronting our problems and working them out with me.' She's already said she relies on him emotionally, and now that you're not around, she'll rely on him even more and this could very quickly go from an emotional affair to a physical one because you've left her and given her carte blanche to take up with this other man if that is her 'choice'. So you've just given her a little push in his direction, which is a very wrong move.

 

What you are doing is AVOIDING really confronting and solving this problem. What does moving out change? You've run away from this problem and will sit alone every night hoping she will spontaneously give him up, but you've given her a reason now to seek him out rather than avoid him. And now because you don't live there anymore, you'll have no clue what she is up to and how much she is talking to him or seeing him. She could go into your bedroom every night, shut the door, and lie down in your marital bed, and have 'I love you darling' conversations on the phone with him for HOURS and you're not there to even try to work on your marriage with her to stop it.

 

I suggest you call a marriage counselor today. And set up an appointment and the two of you go. You need to confront lots of issues, including why she feels more comfortable talking to this other man than you, and to talk about and address all the feelings and fallout from your years of alcoholism. If you want to save your marriage, you'll make that call today, and make plans to move back into the house and work on your issues rather than running away and pouting about this other man. That never solved anything.

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OP, I am speaking harshly, I am not sure you will hear it any other way. Or, maybe I am indulging my own frustration, and if so, I apologize for that. PLEASE listen.

 

I see your moving out and your description of it as passive aggressive / codependent / victim / martyr behavior. You moved out hoping she would see you and stop you mid-move. Why not stop yourself then? Why this toddler's way of trying to get attention? If you want something then you need to be brave, be bold. Plant your flag and claim it.

 

Moving out, bottom line, is moving further away. You did it. Your actions are your responsibility, not hers. And then you say you would be okay if she ended up with the kids because she is a good mom.... This sentence is a tip-off to what else is going on with you. If you feel you don't deserve the family you have built, then you will not have it. Oh, and this is perfect, because it will all be her fault. You can still be the sad victim and let her win because you are such a nice guy.

 

How offended would I be, as your child, to hear you shrug me off like that. You're my dad, fight for me! Fight for my family! Its NICE to take a stand, its NICE to fight for something because it is THAT important to you. It isn't nice to roll over and hope someone else will fix it.

 

I know this pattern of behavior well, and I have ZERO respect for it, and neither do you. That is why you have so little respect for your own voice. It is deeply embedded, I know. But it can be changed, with constant behavioral modification and reinforcement.

 

All of this leads me to conclude: This is all about you. Your shame, your guilt, your focus on yourself and how bad you are. So, you give yourself what you think you deserve, which is failure. Do you see how self-centered this is? You leave, you give up the fight, you give up the house, oh, what a nice guy you are, look how you are not fighting your wife, look how you just melted away. Aren't you the sweet victim to her cheating, controlling ways?

 

If you are protecting your image of yourself, and protecting yourself from failure by choosing to fail, then you don't want it as badly as you think. If that's true, then just go. Stop making this all about how she is cheating on you etc and just confront the fact that you are afraid to be in relationship with yourself and with her and perhaps anyone else. And by the way, she will not fix it, but she will say she tried. Now you both will be in clear, having tried, presumably, and everyone can split up with social immunity. why bother. Just split up now, or TRY. TRY takes two, that means you. You HAVE to responsible for yourself and own your choices. If you really want to save your marriage, you won't skulk away and leave it up to someone else to fix. That is a complete abdication of your responsibility, and it isn't honorable, it isn't nice, and it isn't enough to earn your wife back.

 

Better: Find your voice. Find your courage. Value what you built. Value what you want. Value it enough to risk everything to save it. Value it enough to fail trying to save it. When you are willing to risk failure, you will find success.

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Update: THanks again to everyone for replying, I did leave for that night, I didn't want to, I did it because I wanted her to have time to really think about everything and really be sure of what she wanted, just time to reflect back without me there. I don't want to force her to be with me, I want her to be truly happy with me, anyways, the next morning, since I usually take my daughter to school I went to go pick her up, well, we argued again, argued and fought to the point of exhaustion, i left to work after that and things kinda stayed the same, eventually she texts me that day first and i text her back and its somewhat calmed down, she suggested we go out to dinner which we did, and after that she implied she wanted me home, so i went.

 

She did agree to close the friendship with her boss, she agreed to do whatever i wanted to keep me, and the plan was to do it today which felt good, but then this morning before she woke up i was thinking to myself and i realized I don't want to force her to do anything she doesn't want, i want her to do those things but on her own, i would feel terrible to force her into doing something she wouldn't want. Regardless of what she said, i will know its because i made her say it, and things would probably be the same even after what was said. Her happiness is what matters most, whether she is happy with me or happier without, that's all i really want, and all that really matters to me.

 

So right now, whats happening is that i told her all i really wanted was for her to close whatever questions he had asked her before, questions like "what do you want to get out of this" and "how do you feel about me" things of that nature. I told her all she has to do is answer them honestly to him and let him know how she really feels, since she says she doesn't see him in her life in that way (as a boyfriend or partner or sexual), if all she truly sees in him is a friend, i don't want to take that away.

 

Thats it for now everyone, i wish there could be some general rulebook to follow for this, unfortunately there isn't. if there are any worthy updates i will post them, thanks again everyone, i am wishing for the best here and keeping my fingers crossed.

 

as far as being an alcoholic, i am no longer that, i beat it, i am proud of that, i truly did beat it, i don't get urges, i don't even think about that, the thought of drinking turns me off. the reason for that is a different story, im not sure if it was being on the brink of alcohol poisoning or a serious panic attack that required an ER trip, according to the doctor it was a serious panic attack, but that experience is what turned me off. My body rejects it now.

 

Thanks again everybody.

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There is a very strange ambivalence about you.

 

You're lost, need help and want to save your marriage but then ignore everything your told and keep slogging on in the same weird direction.

 

I hope nothing but the best for you… but believe your chances of being married next year at this time are slim at best.

 

Good luck!

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OP Thank you for sharing your day to day experiences with us. This is such a difficult time.

 

I am trying to balance between two values: "as long as she's happy, that's all that matters" and saving the marriage.

 

I am siding on (shock to my friends who know me as an indepedent cuss) saving the marriage. Happiness as its applied here is a sine wave, not a constant. It may help your wife to know that the marriage is important enough to you that you will require something from her to save it. It may help your wife to know that you value your own happiness and that you value having her in your life as part of your journey.

 

Do you want your wife to share your life with you, and do you want to share hers? You will not always be happy with yourselves, your choices, or each other. But if agree to start and end the journey together, then this bit with her job and her boss is something you two can defeat together.

 

Get on the same side of the table. This is not about HER happiness. It is about the two of you. You matter, and your commitment to one another matters, and someone needs to be willing to protect it.

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possibly final update

 

Thanks to everyone again, I found courage and great advice from everyone here, even though I guess I didn't follow everyones advice it did reinforce my way of thinking that it was wrong for her to keep things up in the air that way.

 

between saving the marriage and her being happy, I would really want both, I would want us both happy and saving the marriage actually, but If it came down to saving the marriage while her not being happy, I dunno how that could work...

 

During the times of argument and such I was contemplating on blurting out about the counseling but I knew she wouldn't be open to it at that time since we were both on defense mode. I will keep that option though in case we don't seem to get out of this.

 

Anyways, so rather than me telling her what to say to him or whatever, I told her just to be honest to both of us, if she wants something with him just say so, if she doesn't want anything same thing just say so, so she talked with the other guy yesterday, she told him she didn't see him in that way, apparently he told her he felt like she was leading him on due to their friendship, she told him she was sorry if she did anything for him to feel that way, she told him she did not see any future with him at all, and her personal life was with me. she told him she was committed to her work and would continue to be that way, but for him to understand that nothing could happen between them in that way, he asked her if I (me, the husband) made her choose between us and her work what would she choose, she told him she didn't have to worry about that because she knew I wouldn't make her do that (which is true, and she noticed he did get a little irritated with that reply) she basically told him her life was with me and was going to be commited to me. she also said he walked out a few times from the conversation and eventually came back. During their convo, I called her to her work and she answered, all she said to me was "im talking to dave" (not real name by the way) and I said ok and we hung up, she told me later it got him irritated also when he found out I already knew about the conversation that was going on and what was going on in general.

 

Now they are still working together and that does irk me but I will make whatever effort I can to regain some trust in her, I know its a fast paced environment and alone time is almost out of the question (anything is possible if they both want it) I really don't know if ill be ok with them working together, and she knows it.

 

Thanks to everyone and if something changes or whatever I will come back and post to keep everyone updated. I am grateful I found this forum, before I posted here I did read some of the other posts and some are just heartbreaking, especially reading them while going thru something similar.

 

Thanks again everyone, love and peace to all

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>>Her happiness is what matters most, whether she is happy with me or happier without, that's all i really want, and all that really matters to me.

 

OK, you have to be very careful with this kind of thinking, because where does it end? If you want her to be REALLY happy, then she would be out shagging the both of you, having your baby and his baby, wandering between the two of you as she chooses.

 

So don't let some desire to prove how 'liberal' or 'generous' you are cloud your thinking to the fact that all your noble 'trusting' has already led her to the brink of an affair and breaking up your marriage, and it could easily tip in that direction again the next time she has a big argument and is annoyed with you and runs to him.

 

People who are alcoholics (or have been alcoholics) have a HUGE problem with boundaries and understanding what will and won't get them in trouble and learning how not to cross them. You need to do the same thing in your marriage, which is establish healthy boundaries and stick to them, including none of this 'bestest friends' with members of the opposite gender who have crushes on either of you. She needs to recognize there is danger territory with that boss, and keep it strictly business. Otherwise you most likely will be right back in the same soup in another year or so, and next time she might decide that her 'happiness' is being with him and sticking you with child support. Please recognize that all marriages need healthy boundaries, and yours apparently doesn't have them.

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  • 1 month later...

still here...

 

 

situation is dire... I guess we got back and it was all good, we were both happy, but still they kept texting, it stopped at first, but continued...until I lost it yesterday and we had another huge fight. im back alone now, my world upside down, lost without her and our kids. feel terrible and helpless.

 

You guys/gals were right. If there is a chance of us rekindling ourselves, I will stick to my guns and set those boundaries.

 

I feel at a loss, ive lost the woman I love, my best friend, I am going to try the no contact thing but its so hard, we have kids so contact will be strictly about our kids.

 

thanks you all, if anyone wants to post anything, please do, I really need some encouragement.

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You said, "...I really need some encouragement."

- You've already been given much encouragement; but you ignored it!

 

You said, "thanks you all, if anyone wants to post anything, please do,..."

- When was the last time you had a drink; was it today?

- Do you wear your wedding ring?

- Out of all the advice that was given to you, which did you act on?

 

I want you/wife to be married and happy, but your strange ambivalent responses have me scratching my head.

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