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My "best"friend's girlfriend...


MrFitt

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A few months ago I started noticing my friend's girlfriends hinting towards me and checking me out, commenting on stuff etc when my friend usually left the room.

At that time me and her had kissed once, we were at a party and got tipsy and one thing led to another - My friend hadn't told me at that time that he had a girlfriend (so I assumed she was single - I was wrong) and I didn't want to tell him because he would've gotten angry. We've been friends for 6 years, but our friendship has been deteriorating since after highschool almost 3 years ago.

 

So about a month ago (this is about 6 months after we initially kissed / met) she came over to my place, we have actually been really good friends now for the past months me and her.

She's been coming over once or twice a week the past 4 or 5 months and we usually just have a beer and laugh a lot... A LOT.. we get along amazingly and we've frequently told eachother that we're each other's best friends now sort of. Then I started feeling the attraction from both sides, it initially started with her and I told her it could never happen.. then one day I just gave in.. and I kissed her again.

 

This happened one month ago and since then she's still been coming over once or twice a week and we've had sex 3 times behind my friend's back obviously...

Their relationship isn't what it used to be at all and she feels like he just wants the sex, not the relationship.. he's a very controlling guy and doesn't want her going out on weekends with any of her girl or guy friends (ironically he "trusts" me the most but still suspects us)..

 

They have been together just over a year now, and she's not happy in the relationship. He doesnt joke around or try to have fun he just forces her to be at his place and "relax" with him (aka he's leaning towards sex almost every second of the day as she says he never stops touching her).

 

She wants to leave him, but because she's still in highschool (and hostel) and living with him and his parents over the weekends (she has a rough history and cant stay with siblings) she's scared what happens next - and as I am currently unemployed having just came back from overseas I can't promise her a place to stay as I am currently also living with my parents in an apartment.

 

 

Any advice? We really want to be together, even though it will mean the end of my friendship with him, which is basically already over.. but we don't know how to go about it.. it's all so difficult and confusing. She's an amazing girl, and I've never felt or clicked this well with a person before and she feels the exact same way. It's all just perfect - except for the lieing and the cheating of course...

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Wow what a great friend you are and she isn't much better, she is using him for somewhere to stay and having sex with you on the side.

 

Tell your friend the truth so he can get both you horrible toxic people out of his life.

 

Then hopefully she can do the same to you and you will know how it feels.

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Wow what a great friend you are and she isn't much better, she is using him for somewhere to stay and having sex with you on the side.

 

Tell your friend the truth so he can get both you horrible toxic people out of his life.

 

Then hopefully she can do the same to you and you will know how it feels.

 

I expected a reply like this, but quite honestly.. you can't judge until it happens to you.. you don't think I've wanted to tell him the truth for a long while now? It's not that easy

 

EDIT: And we're being horrible toxic people for falling in love in an unconventional place? Every single day hundreds of people meet other people and leave their partners and no one blinks an eye.. if it makes me a horrible toxic person for falling inlove with a girl who is already in a relationship (be it my friend or not) then this world is filled with horrible toxic people. If you've never fallen for someone who was already in a relationship then good for you.. I tried really hard, and succeeded not to act on my feelings for a long time, I don't need your judgement and insults because of one little mistake I made, even though I regret nothing

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Doesn't it occur to you to worry that you've got a girl on your hands who is willing to betray her BF and lie and cheat behind his back like she's a single girl, which is NOT a good candidate for a successful relationship with you? if she does this to him, she'll do this to you in future, and you'll spend your life wondering whether she is faithful to you or out flirting with your friends or other men behind your back.

 

She sounds like an opportunist, always shopping for the better deal. Right now she's sponging off him and his parents, and she won't jump to someone new (you!) until she's sure she has a better deal and is taken care of... so you two might have fun for a while, until she sees the next better deal that comes along then she'll repeat this and it is you that she'll be cheating on and leaving.

 

It is time to come clean with your friend... let him know what is going on, and take the consequences. He most likely will stop being friends with you, but frankly you really betrayed him in order to chase a little minx who uses guys and cheats and lies to get a better life for herself.

 

So I'm fairly certain this will end badly for you because of who she is, and your blindness to what is really going on here and who she really is. If she were a decent person, she would have just broken up with him as soon as she realized the attraction to you, and never have cheated on him first. Instead she is giving you sob stories about why she can't leave him yet because she's not done USING him and his parents yet... think about that!

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I have thought of this a lot.. but me and her have made things very clear since.. we're not planning a relationship - we are still just really good friends, we don't influence each other, we do what we want, sure we are in love so to say, but we're really just friends with benifits (like best friends) and don't want to have to worry about being caught or have her cheating.

 

We are both still too young to be worrying about relationships and staying together forever.. she's 18.. I'm 20.. we're not planning a life together, just trying to have fun now and I'm pretty sure me and her will be friends forever (we've both said this) but we don't want to go behind my friend's back.. and she's miserable in the relationship, but due to circumstances it's difficult to leave him

 

 

Oh and also she's not trying to get a better life or hopping around to whatever suits her... her parents abandoned her at the age of 15 because they couldn't provide for her.. and because she's still in school, my friends parents took her in and they started dating when he came back from university a year ago.

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>>don't want to have to worry about being caught or have her cheating.

 

But you are cheating with her, no matter what you call it! You can call it fun, but it's a giant betrayal of your friend and her BF. So 'fun' for you, but really devastating for him.

 

and whatever you call it, she IS using him. If she wants to take care of herself rather than using him and his parents, she can get a job and work to support herself. 17 is old enough to work, and plenty of people do go to work at that age if necessary.

 

She could do that tomorrow if she wanted to. Instead she is using them for a place to live and money while sneaking out to bang his best friend. Really morally reprehensible and I'm surprised you don't see that. You're seeing her as 'good' because she is providing you with pleasure and stimulation right now, but frankly she's a user, and will use you and lose you one day when someone better comes along.

 

If she means that much to you, then why don't you start supporting her if you want her to leave her BF? But be careful what you wish for!

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The country I live in is not at all possible supporting yourself at the age of 18, not while in school... minimum wage is 100$ a month, that doesn't even cover paying for a room in someone else's house here per month - not to mention food/transportation etc.

 

So that's not an option. I can't even get a job in this town at the moment, not even for minimum wage, unemployment is above 25.2% of the population that are allowed to work.

 

EDIT: I understand all that you are saying... but she doesn't want to use him. she doesn't want to hurt him, even though we know we are doing that now.. she wants to end it with him as painlessly as possible.

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Oh yes she's such an amazing girl, and she becomes more and more amazing with every day she cheats on her boyfriend! Not that you're much better yourself, but that's not the point.

Just curious, let's say she eventually decides to stop using her boyfriend and his family for the living arrangements they are able to provide, and you two become a couple. How much would you be able to trust this person? I mean, you saw what she's capable of doing, how will you ever know she won't do the same to you? Because that's what usually happens, in case you didn't know.

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Oh yes she's such an amazing girl, and she becomes more and more amazing with every day she cheats on her boyfriend! Not that you're much better yourself, but that's not the point.

Just curious, let's say she eventually decides to stop using her boyfriend and his family for the living arrangements they are able to provide, and you two become a couple. How much would you be able to trust this person? I mean, you saw what she's capable of doing, how will you ever know she won't do the same to you? Because that's what usually happens, in case you didn't know.

 

We're not becoming a couple.. we are really just friends and we've both agreed on that. We are just physically and mentally attracted to each other personality and physical features.. We are completely open and have agreed that when and if we start seeing other people we'd be honest about it, because we don't have a relationship like boyfriend and girlfriend... we both just want to live in this moment and take it from there..

 

If she leaves me and starts seeing other people, I know for a fact that me and her will still be good or even best friends. We just understand eachother completely..

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Yeah. Stop banging your boy's girlfriend because guess what? If, by some chance, you get her, she's going to be doing the same thing to you behind your back.

 

Is there any wonder why your boy wants her up under him all weekend? She can't be trusted, so he's got to play warden with her and put her on lockdown.

 

Stop allowing her to come over. Stop having sex with her. Find another girl who isn't in a relationship with your friend.

 

If the friendship is deteriorating, then address that and kick your boy out of your life, but don't bang his girlfriend behind his back. That's some cowardly mess.

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I expected a reply like this, but quite honestly.. you can't judge until it happens to you.. you don't think I've wanted to tell him the truth for a long while now? It's not that easy

 

here's the thing, though: IT WOULD NOT HAPPEN TO ME. I would not allow my friend's man in intimate proximity to me in the first place, even if my relationship with my friend wasn't as strong as it used to be. It's about a little thing called "integrity". Your response is as slender and puny as it gets. Throwing haymakers...

 

EDIT: And we're being horrible toxic people for falling in love in an unconventional place? Every single day hundreds of people meet other people and leave their partners and no one blinks an eye.. if it makes me a horrible toxic person for falling inlove with a girl who is already in a relationship (be it my friend or not) then this world is filled with horrible toxic people. If you've never fallen for someone who was already in a relationship then good for you.. I tried really hard, and succeeded not to act on my feelings for a long time, I don't need your judgement and insults because of one little mistake I made, even though I regret nothing

 

Yes, you are being horrible, toxic people because both of you know right from wrong. If what you were doing was right, you'd be doing it in front of your friend's face without a shred of fear or guilt. THAT is how the whole world knows that you two are wrong. When right is so on your side, you fear nothing and no one. You both are in fear of your friend. No getting around that little fact there.

 

Yes, every day, hundreds of people with integrity leave their partners FIRST--they don't carry on a secret affair behind everyone's backs in the shadows because they are afraid of the consequences of discovery. That isn't happening in your case. You're both trafficking in deceit---THAT is the issue with you two.

 

No, what makes you toxic isn't falling in love--feelings are what they are--IT'S PUTTING THOSE FEELINGS INTO DESTRUCTIVE ACTIONS that's being laid at your feet here. In that you most certainly do have a choice. Everyone may not be able to control who they fall in love with, but they have a choice in how they behave about it. You chose to behave in an underhanded, deceitful way and there's nothing noble or valiant about that.

 

This isn't one mistake---the first kiss was the one mistake. A continued course of action is called being deliberate--and that moves out of the universe of mistake and into the universe of willfull intent. You can be butt-hurt about not hearing what you want to hear until times get better, but the fact of the matter is: no one who operates with integrity will willfully sleep with and have sex with the girlfriend of a friend who still considers them both still in a relationship. A person with integrity would have told the little tart to break up with her boyfriend first and then come talk to him about getting together. He wouldn't opt for sloppy seconds.

 

I feel most sorry for your boy who has two treacherous people in his life and is being hoodwinked by both of you.

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OP, how can you be so naive?

Step back away from the situation for a moment and look at this person who is now your new "best friend"

This family have stepped in, taken her in and provide a roof over her head, meals, and possibly all the emotional support she needs from a family. You say this happened before she and the boyfriend became a couple, so in no way can I accept that the care and support is conditional as long as she remains in a relationship with this guy.

If you honestly believe that she is some kind of family prostitute and that she has no choice but to sleep with her boyfriend and continue the relationship with him then where is her self respect? She seems to have completely brainwashed you into thinking she is stuck in a rut. So how was she surviving before she met this wonderful and charitable family?

Speaking of self respect, where is yours? She threw herself at you and you only seemed to notice the attention you were getting, not the fact that this girl was willing to wreck a friendship simply for the kicks.

 

Let me tell you something, if the hospitality and support this family is giving her is so important to her that she can't survive without it - then she would not be risking it by sleeping around with you. "Falling in love" is one thing but risking everything she needs for a FWB - tells me that it isn't because she "needs" him, she just wants you both. Which is extremely easy for her because although your friend would not stand for such treatment if he knew, she is lucky she has you that will believe her when she says she is depressed in her relationship, and wants out but has to suffer secretly in order to keep her weekend home.

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Thank you all for your replies, you've gotten me thinking about the situation and it needs to end... it has ended.

 

I went to my friend's house and told him everything - needless to say both of them are angry with me at the moment, him especially and I understand it all.. I don't expect him to forgive me or try to mend the friendship, I don't think that's possible. I'm not sure what will happen with the two of them now, I can only hope I've not caused too much damage and ruined peoples lives (which I have) it was never my intention.. knowingly.

 

I got caught up in the idea of me and her being able to be together after she left him and it wouldn't be an issue but the truth always comes out. I just shortened the time frame.

 

So anyway, nothing will be happening behind his back anymore. He knows everything, and I doubt me and her will be hanging out again soon. Also I will not let her "manipulate" me as you guys have been referring to.

 

What I've (We've) done was cowardly and selfish and we deserve the consequences that are coming our way.

 

Thank you for letting me realize my mistake and continious intent of destroying two people's lives and relationship whom I care for. I know apologizing to you guys as well won't make anything better, but my apologies for my actions and naive minded decisions

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We're not becoming a couple.. we are really just friends and we've both agreed on that. We are just physically and mentally attracted to each other personality and physical features.. We are completely open and have agreed that when and if we start seeing other people we'd be honest about it, because we don't have a relationship like boyfriend and girlfriend... we both just want to live in this moment and take it from there..

 

If she leaves me and starts seeing other people, I know for a fact that me and her will still be good or even best friends. We just understand eachother completely..

 

Keep telling yourself that!

No, you will not be ok when she finds another cow to milk, because you already have feelings for this girl, feelings that are not those of a "best friend". You have fallen in love with her, that's why you can't see what a disgusting person she is and you keep making excuses for her. She is a prostitute, she is prostituting herself for a place to live, food on the table... How would you like to be in her "boyfriend's" shoes? Try putting yourself in his place and try to see this from his perspective. Would you like it?

And rest assured that this kind of stuff comes to light when you least expect it. Either her boyfriend or his family will find out about you two, and I have a feeling that sooner rather than later she will be kicked out in the street, where she will have to continue prostituting herself for money. If that's the kind of "best friend" you want to have, hey, it's your life. Or you could take advantage of your youth and meet nice, normal girls, with good heads on their shoulders, who don't prostitute themselves. Your life would be so much better...

So stop fooling yourself. You are in love with this person, not her friend. On the other hand, she's a girl with zero moral values, who will always be on the lookout for guys who can offer her financial support in exchange for sex. She will leave you, and won't even look back. And you will be heartbroken and will a lot of bad karma to boot.

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Don't apologise to anyone but yourself. I also think, despite all of the advice that you should be proud of yourself, too. You stepped up, told the truth, and are ready to take the consequences. Better that, than it all exploding one day into one big mess and you end up losing everyone. Perhaps there is still some kind of redemption in the future for you and your friend, the fact that you gathered your dignity and stepped up with the truth will only help you in the future rather than having him find out another way.

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I expected a reply like this, but quite honestly.. you can't judge until it happens to you.. you don't think I've wanted to tell him the truth for a long while now? It's not that easy

 

It wouldn't happen to me because I have morals and integrity. You have proven yours to be flexible, if not non-existent.

 

Funny how cheaters always make themselves sound like victims of inevitability. Cheating isn't a situation you get "caught up" in. Nor is it something that "happens" to you. Cheating is a choice.

 

There are always other options. She could crash with friends or rent a small room from someone. She doesn't have to stay with a guy who is "always touching her", and is apparently mistaken that the woman living with him is his girlfriend..

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Agreed - if you did confront him - good on you. It takes guts to tell someone when you screwed up in a major way.

 

And be aware - I saw a LOT of red flags in her behavior. You're still quite young - and wanting to "save" or "help" someone who is appealing to your strong side is normal.

 

But when someone is willing, regardless of the reason, to stay with one person and play with another, you can pretty much bet the story you get isn't the same (or maybe there are similarities) with the one HE'S getting. The hard life stories. The trapped stories. The sexual pressure stories.

 

Trust me, I've lived twice as long as you. And I've seen and heard so many variations of this used as tools, and not truth. Always be a little skeptical when someone wants to maintain more than one playground and has reasons that tug at your heartstrings to make it sound plausible. She didn't have to bargain with her body to stay with this guy if she'd broken things off cleanly before getting involved with you. Choices she made made the situation more difficult. She's young, and still at an age that forethought isn't a strong point. But just be aware, and guard against your weak spots in the future so you don't lose friendships over "damsels in distress" any more!

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I expected a reply like this, but quite honestly.. you can't judge until it happens to you.. you don't think I've wanted to tell him the truth for a long while now? It's not that easy

 

 

It is that easy....you just don't want to deal with the consequences. While you and your "gf" deserve each other, it would be the

RIGHT thing to do to have her move out. However, since doing the RIGHT thing isn't on the board,

why don't you just stop seeing her until you have a job and move out of your parents house.

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Me and her decided to be JUST friends for the time being - she's staying with them, my -friend-s mother told her she'd never kick her out.

 

Quite possibly I'd like it to stay this way... seems kind of stupid now that I think of it.. after all this happened I don't want anything anymore.. just her friendship.. and I want my friend back.

 

EDIT: I screwed up bad, but it feels good to come clean. Let's not ever do this again

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