Confused about love life please help :(

[Negritalinda]

Hi good afternoon! I’m in a confusing time regarding my love situation.

I’ve never been married or have kids, I’m 28 now. At age 18 I started dating a guy who I was in a domestic relationship for 3 years. Being beat up, lost 2 pregnancies through his beating.

I went to see the therapist and I am free of that but there’s always a confusion to select my future partner in life.

I lived in California and met Jay 2 years ago, we broke up because our relationship wasn’t going great and because I came to Georgia with the family to help for the business.

Jay is a great guy. This guy wants marriage. He’s 40 but he doesn’t have a financial structure he just lives for each week, no saving no nothing , I love him, but by the end of the relationship we were only having sex once a month or longer when I want it often. I’m more playful and hes more traditional in bed, and we always clashed because he thought I was too aggressive. To the point that I stopped trying to seduce him because he wasn’t playful with me or made me feel wanted. So we have that big difficulty with our sexual life to the point that our relationship was soooo boring not just on the sexual but every day thing. Even though im here in Georgia we still talk and we still love each other and im planning to go back to California to see if we workout again. Hes my best friend and will hate to lose him and even though we have big differences we don’t want give up on the relationship.

Ok so that was for Jay.

Then here in Georgia I met Carl, a good guy as well, and what scares me is that I’m finding him attractive and I feel like even though Jay and I aren’t together I feel as if I’m cheating on him emotionally. Carl is funny and smart just like Jay but Carl is 32 and less tight about life.

Carl has awaken that playfulness I have always had that Jay doesn’t even acknowledge. Jay always thinks I have a weird, double meaning sense of humor.

I know relationships are about compromising but how much is too much when I feel like I’m changing more for the best for Jay and I to make it work and I don’t see it from him. Would you say since hes 40 he has a way of manipulating me without me knowing he is doing it?

I don’t know what to do? To go back to California and try it again with Jay despite all the big differences we have. Or should I just stay here and pursue Carl since hes very interested in me. I still have to get to know Carl But since I also want to stay near my family then it seems like a possible idea.

But then there’s my main question?? I want to be honest to Carl and tell him the reason why I need to go to California but how do you tell a guy that?? I’m being very cautious and friendly the way I talk to Carl since I’m not sure what’s going to happen with Jay. But Carl is for sure showing his attraction towards me and its not wanting just a friendship. I enjoy talking to him and I wouldn’t want to lose his friendship but then I don’t want lead him on and keep quiet, because is not fair for him.

How do people make sudden decisions on marriage if they don’t know the person well enough. And when you know that person how do people make that decision for marriage knowing they will have big differences.

I hope I make sense on this message.

 

Thank you and cant wait to see what your advice is

 

Please no mean messages, every one has their own struggles if you dont have any good input then dont reply. I'm open to any respectful comments thank you

[savignon]

I think Carl seems like the best option ---however, your life decisions should be about you and what's best for you regardless of a man. Meaning, if you go out to California and it doesn't work, do you have a life out there you could pursue regardless or would you come back to Georgia b/c things didn't work out and that was the only reason you went? If things don't work out with Carl, would you stay in Georgia anyway because that's where your family is, or would you be looking up Jay and trying to get that back up and running? Your big life choices (career, money and living situation) should not revolve around a man.

Which one do you see yourself with longer and suits more of what you're looking for? Which one suits your other needs (career, location, future goals that are YOUR goals)? I'd look at it from a selfish point of view.. you don't owe someone the rest of your life and to be sucked of all your joy b/c you said you'd "try it out". You can do whatever you want.

But do something that falls in line with the rest of your goals and wants/needs for the future....not the other way around.

[Ms Darcy]

Jay is a great guy. This guy wants marriage. He’s 40 but he doesn’t have a financial structure he just lives for each week, no saving no nothing , I love him, but by the end of the relationship we were only having sex once a month or longer when I want it often.

 

Hes my best friend and will hate to lose him and even though we have big differences we don’t want give up on the relationship.

 

Would you say since hes 40 he has a way of manipulating me without me knowing he is doing it?

 

I think it's telling that you question if Jay is using you. Nothing that you say suggests that you are being manipulated. Rather it suggests that you are ridiculously incompatible (financially, sexually, personality wise, etc.) but what is bringing you back is the promise of marriage. You broke up for good reason. Keep that chapter closed, stop talking to him, and strive to move forward.

 

Who knows if things will work out with Carl. That's for time to see. But don't create a false choice here. Jay is not the right person for you.