Jump to content

Is he really committed?


kac

Recommended Posts

So I'll try to keep this short and not essay-like. Sorry if this post seems a little weird-- I just joined this site.

 

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 5 years. Recently, when we talk about marriage and the future, he's always very hesitant to talk about it. He's said, on numerous occasions when I ask why he's hesitant, that he doesn't want to promise me anything or get my hopes up for a future with him. That things could happen that could very well be out of his control. That he didn't appreciate me trying to box him into anything, and it made him uncomfortable. I guess I can kind of understand, because we're both 20 and still in college..but I love him, and would like to be with him. I'm not saying put a ring on my finger NOW or I'm leaving. I'm just curious as to what he thinks.. is that so wrong to ask after 5 years?

 

Any who, him saying all of this really hurt me, because it sounded like kind of a bad excuse for him being unsure of wanting to stay with me. I finally got tired of him dodging and accusing me of trying to pressure him into anything, and just really talked to him about whether or not he saw himself wanting to stay with me. He said he wants to stay with me as long as he can, but he won't promise me forever.. that forever was something only suckers believe in and promised each other. He believes things can change and be completely out of our control.. I understand his point of view, but it just sounds like he's leaving himself a fail-safe.. That if we got married, (btw, when he did open up about talking about marriage, he said I'd have to sign a prenup.) and if things ever did go wrong, he could tell me he never promised me anything and leave. I'm sure it would hurt him to do so.. I don't doubt that he has very strong feelings for me.

 

I see his point of view, and I've always known that he's a very rational and logical person. It just feels wrong to me..

 

I'm not really asking for advice. I feel like I can't look at this rationally, because of how strong my feelings are for him. If y'all have any opinions or observations, please feel free to reply back! Thank you for reading if you got this far.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

If you were 30, I would tell you he never wants to commit to you, but 20 years old and in college - whether you dated 5 months or five years - it is totally reasonable for a 20 year old to be uncertain. He needs to finish school - you both do - and see who you are as adults before considering marriage. I don't think its strange if a couple who started dating at 14 or 15 be together 5, 7, and even 10 years before getting married and it not being a case of dragging their feet.

 

That being said, the ideas about the prenup, etc, are troubling. A guy who is at the stage where marriage is not on his radar due to his age or stage in life but wants to someday but can't commit yet, does not say such things usually.

 

I think that at 20 there are more fish in the sea if this guy doesn't see a future with you, honestly.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well his personality type sounds very play-it-safe/risk-averse in general, so that explains the prenup and the way he answered your question.

 

Just ask yourself if you want to stay with someone who doesn't know if he sees a future with you. It's not that he said no, he just doesn't know. If the positives outweigh that negative, then stay with him.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think he is not sure you are the person he wants to marry and this could be an age thing, or just about him not seeing himself with you -any number of reasons. He might not even know. If you knew he was never going to marry you how long would you stay? He is right -marriage does require a leap of faith as well as using logic/intelligence, etc. Is he concerned about specific assets as far as a prenup -he seems very young to be needing that kind of agreement. If I were you I'd figure out the answer to how long you would stay if you knew marriage was not in the cards and at that time I would move on unless he changes his mind.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think that even if someone is worried about risk, they would get life insurance for them and their wife up the wazoo and the type of insurance that covers lost wages, etc, up the wazoo in case anything would happen rather than asking a prenup of someone when both parties don't have anything much to bring to the table financially (fresh out of college or college). The only time a legit prenup is valid is if the two parties are much, much older, say one is widowed and there are kids involved and they want to make sure a certain percentage that had belonged to the late spouse went to the kids upon the death of the person rather than to the new spouse based on the prior wishes of the late spouse or something like that. But anyone who is not in such a position as that has no reason to ask for a prenup - i mean - there is nothing there to take.

 

I also agree that he is not ready to think about marriage in life and perhaps doesn't want to promise to marry you if you have been his only girlfriend. Some people know from the get go that the only person they have been with is who they want to be with for life, but not all have that.

 

It sounds like you are ready to "grow up and settle down" and he is not.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

You both seem to be at different stages of your life it seems. But then i do believe that women do mature faster than men.

I take him at his word if i were you.

 

He isn't willing to fully commit. He may be unsure bc you've both been together essentially all your young adulthood. It's gonna be hard for both of you to fully let go if it ever came to that. But truthfully it sounds like he's just not mature enough to want to commit to you. He's maybe known no one else and is very uncertain to close that door / gateway to others.

 

If it hurts you, it's not right.

Why put urself through that hun

 

moving on will be so hard but it can be done.

and only take him back if you still want him and he comes back offering you everything you want with both hands/arms open.

 

You seem to already know how to love what commitment is and you need to find someone who is there with you. Not someone with excuses.

 

hugs*

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am the same age as you and your boyfriend. I have a different perspective on this situation. I know none of us know, cause we are not in his mind and we don't know what he really feels about you, but from a 3rd perspective I can tell you just based on what I read. The first thing that popped in my mind is that he's a realist, matter of fact, practical kind of guy. Am I wrong? Is he like that? Well you two are both 20. He is committed to you though cause you have been with him for 5 years, I just get the impression, that he is a practical, matter of fact type. Like that would be something I would say even I had a really good relationship and I was so in love with the person. I would say that similar response like "anything could happen" Cause I am just like that. There is no pin points on the future, anything can happen in the future. I don't think it has anything to do with commitment honestly. I just think he is just that way. Cause I am pretty sure, he would just break up with you if he didn't want a relationship, trust me, he's 20, and I am 20 also, lol! So I know 20 year old guys, most of them are immature, and guys now a days are the type if they don't want a relationship with someone, they bounce....quickly. Doesn't seem like guys are committed now a days and they seem to be able to break off a relationship like it's nothing. That's what I see from this generation, but I think he does love you, but he is just matter of fact, and I don't think it has anything to do with commitment, cause he is in a relationship with you, and you guys are young. Just give your relationship time and give him time. Ask him maybe a year from now. Or ask him when you feel it's ready to ask him. Hopefully then you will find a definite concrete answer! But just giving you my opinion and what I think. Just my perspective on the whole thing, take care!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...