He's not ready for a relationship

[cryingalways]

So I slept with someone for the first time since my break up. First everything since really, kiss...interest in a guy.

 

I met him when we were both playing music then he asked me to meet up yesterday and we hung out with his friends and chatted a long time then I stayed round and one thing led to another basically. It was so so so good.

 

I can not stress that enough here. Man that was good. Hugs were good too, all of the physical attraction etc all good.

 

But he has come out of a break up a little while ago, like me, and said he doesn't want to get into a relationship right now because he's working on himself alone. This isn't a lie or an excuse, it seems very sincere. He has said he wants to meet up again though and we did get on well and have lots in common so I think he will contact me to meet up.

 

Thing is, I like him now.

 

I don't want to rush into a relationship right this minute but I enjoy his company and would like to see him again and hug him again etc very much.

 

What is my best plan of action here? I am guessing it is to not contact him and wait for him to do so and be respectful that he's getting over the break up and work on myself myself too. However...this is the first person I have really liked since my ex and I feel like I care about him now and I would very much like to see him again.

 

I know people might also say I should not have slept with him but it has been a lonnnnggg time and that man knows stuff. He seemed to very much enjoy it all too and it was also the first person he'd slept with since his ex too.

 

What should I do?

[Batya33]

You should tell him to call you if and when he is ready for a relationship. Do not try to be his friend unless you would like to hear about the women he is dating and trying to date. My best guess is that this has little to do with not being ready and it's just him trying to make sure that he is not leading you to believe that he wants more than a sexual arrangement. Many of us have exes -even recent exes -and most of us are ready to pursue dating leading to a potential relationship when we meet someone we are into. Right now he is into having sex with you and perhaps playing at being a couple but there is no way he would have jeopardized his chances at a relationship with you by telling you from the beginning that he saw no potential -even if he saw a little potential he would have kept his mouth shut.

 

Please don't take this personally -this happens to be a person who is sexually attracted to you and enjoys having sex with you. Which would be great if that's what you were looking for too. But it's not.

[cryingalways]

Well we don't know each other very well so it would be weird to want to have a relationship with someone you don't know barely I think. I don't specifically want a relationship with him, I'd like to get to know him better and see.

 

He wants to go travelling and stuff and sort his life out so that's why he doesn't want t a relationship, it wouldn't fit around his plans of travelling everywhere.

 

But yeah I see your point.

[wilyone 11]

If you are okay having sex with someone without being exclusive or having a commitment (and it sounds like you enjoyed it quite a bit and there's nothing wrong with that):

 

Let him go at his pace. Give him a lot of space. Take it slow. Tell him you're fine with that and think it's a good idea since you're recently out of a relationship as well. Let him be the one to call, text, ask you out etc so he doesn't feel like you are pushing your "relationship" agenda. Date other people so you don't get hung up on him.

 

What often happens in these situations is as you spend time together and are intimate, a relationship naturally develops. Let him call it whatever he wants.

[missmarple]

I understand how you feel but I'm not sure anything can come out of this. Men, usually, are either in a 'relationship' or in a 'casual' mind frame and that's hard to change. Sometimes, something that starts off casually can evolve into something more serious but that's rather rare.

I guess it won't hurt to see him again if he contacts you but, exactly, because you already feel you care about him, I would be very careful...you don't want to end up with your heart broken if, down the road, he meets a girl he decides he wants a relationship with.

Whatever you do, don't sleep with him again. If you do, he'll firmly put you under the FWB category and that's even harder to change than casual dating. Also, keep dating others and try not to fall for this guy..not until you know for sure you're on the same wavelength.

[lavenderdove]

He's just told you he's only interested in FWB. And that he doesn't intend to be around much, and he intends to be gone, and he's not looking for an attachment/GF.

 

so it was a bit of fun. and be aware and wary that that is all it was, and he has given you fair warning not to expect more or want more because he's not offering it. And don't 'care about him' at all. Really, you're already using 'bonding' words about him, and this guy could well be a one night stand or random booty call now and again at best. You're talking about being 'respectful' and basically what you mean is anxiously waiting in the wings for him to be ready to turn into your BF. He's given you no such hopes or expectations at all, in fact the reverse. He's said he intends to be single and travel around. That's it, that's all, so don't expect more.

 

I suggest you backpeddle and don't call him. And keep moving on in your healing and looking for other guys who do want a normal dating relationship rather than just booty calls or else you are going to get hurt.

 

You say you don't want to rush into a relationship, but this guy isn't even offering one. So it isn't and won't be a relationship, just sex and a bit of fun now and again. He's already warned you that is all it is.

 

And be very careful that you also know his true circumstances. A lot of guys who are cheaters offer that kind of talk when they have a GF/wife in the woodwork. They want a bit of sport on the side, but no involvement, so they come up with these cover stories to explain why they won't be available and will only show up for sex now and again, and nothing more.

[itsallgrand]

I agree with Batya.

 

And I don't think it is weird to say something like "Call me if and when you are ready for a relationship". I've had it said to me, and I've said it myself. I think it shows someone knows what they want - if they want the potential for dating and getting to know to lead to a relationship, it's totally fair to not pursue something that doesn't at least start out with that as a possibility.

 

Oh I won't tell you you shouldn't have slept with him. That was your call. And it wouldnt have changed anything if you hadn't. The only thing that might be different is you wouldn't be tempted to go back for more sex now that you found it really good. Which is actually one of the big reasons I don't sleep with men early - I know myself, and I know that sex can motivate me pretty strongly sometimes.

 

Now you need to decide if you are going to let yourself get sucked into this on his terms because of the sex - really, that is what it comes down to.

 

I don't think you should. That's only my opinion.

[quirky]

I agree with Lavenderdove.

 

Only go ahead with this if you want a FWB situation. Quite often when we women find good chemistry we think it MEANS something, that the guy is in touch with that DEEPER part of us and he gets us and understands us and MUST feel that connection too. When for him it's just good sex, no emotionas around it. I had that with one guy who was the best sex EVER and I just couldn't get my head around how it wasn't affecting him emotionally like it was me. He had said it was the best sex ever for him too but that was it. Whereas I felt rediscovered or reborn and believed this is deeper and he just hasn't figured it out yet!!

 

Oh, yeah...nothing came of it. I tried being FWB because the dating aspects were crap unless I was willing to be his counsellor. But I couldn't even be FWB because I couldn't believe he didn't care to have me his girlfriend for the rest of his life since the sex was SO amazing ! !

 

Also I wonder..ho come you care for him if you don't know him much?

[Batya33]

Well we don't know each other very well so it would be weird to want to have a relationship with someone you don't know barely I think. I don't specifically want a relationship with him, I'd like to get to know him better and see.

 

He wants to go travelling and stuff and sort his life out so that's why he doesn't want t a relationship, it wouldn't fit around his plans of travelling everywhere.

 

But yeah I see your point.

 

 

I agree that it would be strange to go to the other extreme but if he's telling you after you decided to have sex with him that he doesn't see potential for a relationship he's telling you that so he doesn't lead you on.

 

I love travelling and I'm still sorting out my life and when I met the right person who I saw a future with I knew I could travel and have a relationship and continue to sort out my life (that's one of those excuses where the assumption the person makes and wants you to believe is that a relationship narrows your life and burdens your life - and it's almost always an excuse, not a real reason).

 

You would like to get to know him better and see if there is potential. He would like to continue to have intercourse with you and already knows that he sees no potential for a relationship. You two want different things. And that's ok.

[cryingalways]

I can just feel the care starting in me you know? That grain of interest has been planted.

 

Well I'll leave him be and see what he does but if I am to see him again there will be no more sex because I don't want to continue with it if it's not gonna grow into something really. See how he likes that.

 

He didn't actually say the relationship thing specifically to me about us, we were talking about relationships and he was just saying how after his last relationship he knew he couldn't have another one right away because he got hurt I think and went onto say something in an angry mutter about not having any relationships for now. I reckon the guys got some stuff going on in his mind right now and I understand that.

 

I think I'll just stay friendly with him if he contacts me and set boundaries and see if anything can happen in time but not expect it or hope too much. He seemed to want me to hang out with him for a long time without the sex too and we got on very well and he was very interested in my life and I'm interested in his. It's early days for me to even know if a relationship would be something I'd want with him. I've had boys say they can't have relationships at the moment before and they came back when the time was right for them. It's just a shame though because I would have liked to continue sleeping with him but i'm not sure a FWB thing is a good idea or something i'd like.

[Ms Darcy]

We see this situation a lot.

 

1. Girl meets guy and they sleep together quickly.

2. Sex is good for girl and she grows more attached.

3. Guy says "he's not ready for anything serious" because he's getting over an ex, he's been hurt, he's busy with work, etc etc.

4. Girl thinks ... "Oh, I don't need a relationship yet either. I just want to get to know him and move forward."

5. Contradiction 1 emerges. He tells her she's a fwb. She hears, "there's a chance for things to develop.:

6. Girl keeps sleeping with guy, growing more attached.

7. Guy gets hot and cold and girl gets frustrated.

8. Girl eventually asks where this is going.

9. Guy says "he's not ready for a relationship yet."

10. Rinse and repeat until either a) she walks away or b) he finds/reveals a girlfriend.

 

Your best plan of action is to stop sleeping with him and tell him to call you if he's interested in pursuing something more serious/a relationship. Otherwise, all you will get is crumbs, as you have always gotten.

 

P.S. this is the type of situation with the potential of high-drama, back and forth crapola with someone emotionally unavailable that you supposedly realized you are most attracted to and were trying to avoid.

[Batya33]

This is not about FWB. He's not your friend at this point. If you keep hanging out with him as "friends" are you ok hearing about his pursuit of other women or watching him chat up other women? Your not being sure you want a relationship with him yet has nothing to do with his telling you up front that he sees no potential. If you think you want to see if a relationship could develop in the future hanging out with him in the meanwhile is the worst approach IMO.

[cryingalways]

Well, we went out last night to an event together. He also asked to meet up from the moment I sent the text to him so we spent the day together. He came round to mine and met my mum etc, was quite strange but everyone was fine with it.

 

He basically broke up with his ex because he wanted to be alone and sleep with other girls but just not have a relationship. I am the only girl he has slept with so far though. He's still dealing with the break up though and was feeling bad about the fact that she's slept with someone who was a close friend of hers and that hurt his ego a bit, but he is very specific in that he does not love her anymore.

 

So you know I feel pretty friend zoned now and it's not too bad. Nothing intimate happened, we just hung out. He doesn't seem to like it when I talk about any man I know though, he goes quiet, he also asked me if I still love my ex and was trying to imply that I do. I said I don't know if it was ever love, I think it was obsession. But anyway, he does seem a bit interested in me in that way. He also overheard me say I'm going away for a day and wanted to know when this was and when I said I might be about tomorrow eve he said he finished work at lunchtime, so I think he likes hanging out with me for sure.

 

I'm just playing it light and breezy for now. I like hanging out with him too and I am the same as him in that I go quiet when he talks about any other woman he knows and I tried to push him to meet up with his ex because I felt like I wanted to see if he would I suppose. But he made it clear he is not interested in being with her in anyway anymore.

 

So it's all a bit weird it is!

 

My thought is that he needs a friend right now, so I'll be his friend as much as I feel comfortable with. I don't know if he knows what he's doing right now personally.

 

He said I made him feel "silly". And that he never feels that way. So that was nice I guess.

[lavenderdove]

>>he wanted to be alone and sleep with other girls but just not have a relationship.

 

There's your answer. Don't get too involved with him or you'll get hurt.

 

Have you told him explicitly you won't be having sex with him again because you don't want a FWB situation and only want to do so in the context of a relationship? otherwise he is continuing to 'hang out' with you taking it as silent consent that you are agreeing to FWB since you did sleep with him before.

 

He may show a LOT less interest in you if he knows for sure he's not going to get booty calls out of this, since he's clearly stated his goal is only to sleep with a lot of girls. So right now all he's 'working on' is getting you back into bed again, if you haven't explicitly told him you won't sleep with him in a booty call arrangement.

 

So you do need to tell him and probably stop hanging out with him all the time if he's already told you his goal these days is banging a lot of girls and not a relationship. Also, be cautious that you're not trying to hang out with him as a friend while secretly looking for 'signs' that he's into it for more as in this: 'He said I made him feel "silly". And that he never feels that way. So that was nice I guess.' You've only hung out with him a couple times and already you're falling for flattery and what sounds like hoping he's falling for you. That is a sign that you need to be totally up front with him and tell him you don't intend to sleep with him again if he's not agreeing to be your BF and stop sleeping with other girls. Otherwise you're thinking, 'maybe he's falling for me' and he's thinking 'whoopee, a girl who is willing to let me bang her and other girls too without any commitment!'.

[Sportster2005]

You should give up on it. You can't fix bad timing.

[Batya33]

I agree with Lavenderdove -I don't think this is a healthy friendship or a healthy way to interact. Find someone who wants to go on dates with you or find someone who you want to be friends with. Not this guy.

[missmarple]

tell him you don't intend to sleep with him again if he's not agreeing to be your BF and stop sleeping with other girls. Otherwise you're thinking, 'maybe he's falling for me' and he's thinking 'whoopee, a girl who is willing to let me bang her and other girls too without any commitment!'.

 

Exactly. Speak up and let him decide if he wants to be your bf or your friend..or nothing, because when you tell him that, I have a feeling he won't be around for much longer.

[cryingalways]

Yeah I've been talking to my friend she said the whole thing smells of trouble. I'm gonna keep my distance.

 

I think he'll be at this event tonight we both go to but I know other people there so it's not that big a deal.

 

I think I need to assert my independence and show I'm my own woman etc though.

 

I wish I could stop being so attracted to messed up guys!

[Batya33]

Yeah I've been talking to my friend she said the whole thing smells of trouble. I'm gonna keep my distance.

 

I think he'll be at this event tonight we both go to but I know other people there so it's not that big a deal.

 

I think I need to assert my independence and show I'm my own woman etc though.

 

I wish I could stop being so attracted to messed up guys!

 

I think it's far simpler than that. Simply be a person who has boundaries and standards. No need to take on the huge step of "I am woman hear me roar". You can stop acting on your attraction to men who are not available. It's fine to be attracted -feelings are feelings. He's not messed up in the least. You simply want different things and you were somewhat reluctant to be honest with yourself about what you really wanted. I think he was very honest with you and treated you in a respectful way by not making a pass at you once he knew you wanted more than he wanted to offer.

[Wisegrl3]

At least he is being honest upfront with you. I am in the same situation except he started out talking abourt a future together and things we were going to do such as camping and going away for weekends. Then bam it goes to I am not ready for anything. I am now more confused as ever. I work with him which is making it very difficult to handle. I haven't spoken to him in 6 weeks nor him to me. I take that as he wants nothing to do with me. If he wanted anything at all he would have contacted me. There is also the issue of his ex wife starting drama with me and telling me he was seeing someone on the side which I still do not know if it is true. If I were you I would back off. I am in a world of hurt because I kept hanging around him when he started to tell me he couldn't give me what I wanted or needed and couldn't make any promises. I would rather be hurt like this now than hold on and get hurt even more later. Yeah it sucks especially since this is my first guy since my divorce and I am an introvert and have social anxiety................I would move on.....

[cryingalways]

I didn't ask him for anything more. I haven't said anything about being interested in him at all actually. It would seem pointless after him saying the thing about relationships.

 

Yeah it is good he said at least. I would be much more hurt if he had not been clear for sure.

 

It would all be fine if I were able to sleep with him and not feel any emotions towards him, but I can't do that so yeah.