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Not the right time?


dr_loomis7

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Hello ENA,

I had hoped I wouldn't have to come back here for this, but alas, here I am. So short story, I met a single mom through some mutual friends and she and I started dating. Things were going great for a couple of months and then problems started. The problems appeared to be external and taking up her time: she was buying a house so she was packing and getting things in order for that and then her ex-husband changed custody situations with her so that she got her daughter almost all the time. With a combination of those two things, we stopped seeing each other as much.

 

She hinted that it may not be the right time to be in a relationship because she felt like it was unfair to me but I insisted that we could work things out and see each as we could. We met for lunch a few times and texted everyday. This past Friday, we were supposed to meet up but about two hours before we were supposed to meet, something came up at her work so she had to cancel. I was disappointed but didn't make a big deal about it.

 

This morning, I woke up to this text from her: "So I've been up since about 3am. I've been tossing and turning all night. I'm weight down with the profound sense of guilt and sadness. I can't take the constant disappointment that I am to you. When you said 'I really don't get this relationship thing' (I said this to her as a joke about her wanting to move on her own without help) I've rolled it around my brain and picked that statement apart a million times and you're right. I don't know how to merge this need to create a fortress of security that no circumstance can destroy for my daughter and also be open and allow myself to lean on someone. The two ideas are at odds. It doesn't matter how amazing you are - how kind and supportive and understanding and patient and loving - you can't make up for what I lack. I can't do this to you anymore. You deserve so much more than me. So much more. You've been nothings short of wonderful and you deserve someone that meets you with the same. I was reading tonight about concepts of love and how real love means you put someone else's happiness above your own, that you stop being selfish and become more selfless if it means that the person you love might find happiness elsewhere. That's what I want for you. Someone who delights in the magic of you and is THERE, in your arms, at your side, in your bed. THERE. With you. Not just a concept of an idea. I want you to have everything in this life. I won't allow you to settle for me"

 

That was it. She didn't reply to any of my replies and has been MIA all day. The thing is, I do want her. I believe that this absence is only temporary but she doesn't seem to see that. I'm kind of lost on what to do. Do I try to call her? Let her go? Give her space and hope she comes back? I know most of the advice is to go no contact but at this point, I'm not 100% that she's ending it. I'm open to thoughts because I'm sort of lost right now.

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You may not like this or agree with this, but I don't think she's as attracted to you as she would need to be to stay in this relationship. I think she is being nice and making it about her.

 

That's what I want for you. Someone who delights in the magic of you and is THERE, in your arms, at your side, in your bed. THERE. With you. Not just a concept of an idea.

 

Probably not on purpose, she says it loud and clear that she didn't feel magic with you and wasn't really present with you. Good for you to know this early so you can move on.

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I think that she and her ex are reconciling and she's "throwing herself on her sword" and being magnanimous about "you deserve so much more"--which you do. She is right in all she's saying, but I don't think that where it is coming from is the truth. Why in God's name would anyone not want help with moving? Every friend I've ever had, male and female, needed and was glad for help when it came to them moving. Even if it was dropping the cable modem off at the cable office, they were happy to delegate.

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These were some hard things to read, but you both are probably right (although doubt it is her ex, maybe another guy). It is so weird to me how she can act interested for so long and then just *BAM* and she's gone. Even the day before she was talking about how excited she was to see me before she had to cancel. She hasn't replied to the texts I sent her yesterday morning after reading her message so I guess that's that.

 

I feel very alone right now...very empty. Most of the time I see these things based on the patterns but right now, just like I've been kicked in the stomach.

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It sounds as though it IS bad timing, and she needs to put her kid and her career to support them both above a romance right now--and she can't predict for how long.

 

This is just what great parents do, especially when her daughter is adjusting to a new custody arrangement--and may have some issues with her father. It's no time to introduce a new man into the picture, and I think she's being smart.

 

I'd respond with, "I adore you and I can picture us together in the future, so I'll respect your wishes and walk away while we both think highly of one another. If you ever feel ready to attempt a relationship again, I hope you'll contact me. If I'm still available, we can meet to catch up."

 

Then I'd leave it alone.

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You may not like this or agree with this, but I don't think she's as attracted to you as she would need to be to stay in this relationship. I think she is being nice and making it about her.

 

 

Ouch. But I agree. The attraction was gone and she was trying to make it about her. Being a mom, having a house -- there's no way I'd stop seeing someone I was crazy into because of these things. She's just not feeling it and she's trying to be nice and soften the blow.

 

The BEST thing you can do in this situation.... is nothing. No more contact. Just let it be -- for now, and possibly for a long time to come.

 

Here's a guide that will help you: link removed

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I think she is trying to tell you in as nice a way as she can that she is just not that into you, and not into you enough to really continue the relationship. She's just not feeling what she should for you (witness her statements about what love is/should be that she isn't feeling for you).

 

It sounds like she's been losing interest for a while, and gradually withdrawing from the relationship rather than investing herself in it, and lots of excuses why she's not meeting you or calling you or replying to you. So I think she realized a couple months in that she just wasn't feeling what she needed to feel to continue on with the relationship.

 

I agree with the others who say to send her a nice email that says you hope she will think about it and change her mind and to call you if she does, but otherwise wish her well, and cut contact. She knows where to find you if she changes her mind.

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Meh. Seeing as she dumped him by text -- and probably wasn't even being honest about WHY she ended things -- I wonder if it really serves the OP to send her a *nice email* wishing her the best and keeping the door open in the future?

 

Even just on an attraction level, I think it weakens his position,

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Meh. Seeing as she dumped him by text -- and probably wasn't even being honest about WHY she ended things -- I wonder if it really serves the OP to send her a *nice email* wishing her the best and keeping the door open in the future?

 

Even just on an attraction level, I think it weakens his position,

 

Hah! Sure, it's the percentage play.

 

I wish I could have discovered earlier how much simpler things become when I stop spinning or second guessing and respond only to what people tell me at face value.

 

If they're honest, it's the appropriate response, and if they're not honest, then who's at fault there, and what difference does any response make?

 

Adopting the assumption that someone who matters to me is a liar when they don't give me what I want is a pretty heavy chip to carry into my future dealings with people. Instead, I'll assume that people who matter really matter, and the ones who lie won't matter no matter what I do.

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I just think that dumping someone by text is pretty heinous.

 

And maybe -- if the true reason for the breakup was loss of attraction -- that sending a "feel good" lets-be-in-touch email isn't serving the OP on any front.

 

But there's certainly an argument to be made for honesty and integrity -- even in the face of a lying dumper who's done it over text.

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Update on this: So this morning I decided to leave her a VM. It wasn't a begging, let's get back together VM, it was a closure thing for me. In the VM, I told her that the VM was to get a sense of closure and I didn't expect anything from her but wanted to let her know that if she did indeed break up with me because of what she said in the text, then she was wrong about what I was thinking. I wasn't as concerned that she couldn't be there, my concern was if she wanted to be there, also that these situations are only temporary. I also informed her if she wasn't interested, no hard feelings that it happened and wished her luck on the new house. That was it, no I love you, no let's be friends, just that.

 

She replied unexpectedly with the following "I just listened to your VM. You're right. I'm trying not to cry right now. Can we talk tomorrow when I'm less emotional? I don't know what I'm doing. I do love you very much". I told her we could talk but depending on what she says, I intend on following catfeeders advice regarding timing as she's mentioned this before and I know that she's in a very emotional place right now. I'm intending on going in not hoping for anything but just to listen and hear what she says. If we are done, I will accept that.

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