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Woohoo panic attacks/back to square one


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So I'm totally lost again. I don't know how to handle whats going on at all. I'm not going to explain it all in detail but you can read my first post if you like, that has the story, and subsequent posts correspond to incidents described in the following. Its gonna be a long one.

 

In short my girlfriend of nine months left me at the beginning of the year because her parents forced her to. These months have been pure emotional torture for both of us but I think I got the worst of it simply because she dumped me and knew for a fact that I still loved her where as I had the additional uncertainty to cope with. We both broke (break) NC a lot, me more than her.

At the end of last month she found out her father has terminal lung cancer which made everything worse. It's tearing her family apart and i feel very sympathetic. She has been pushing me away harder since.

 

Around the start of this month she began flirting with another man and made a very lurid display of it for me to notice. One day she invited him over to hang out which she immediately informed me of, and that's when the panic attacks started. I had never experienced one before so it was especially frightening, but over the course of the entire day I had them continuously, it almost felt like one long attack. I couldn't think straight, my heart couldn't stop beating faster than it ever has before, and I felt totally terrified. Later that night she came on facebook to a slew of messages from me and after some very hurtful words she told me that they kissed and are facebook official (Her privacy settings precluded me form seeing that). After that I just lost it, it was the lowest I've ever felt in my entire life.

 

The hurt continued, and I continued to have panic attacks. She went out of her way to upset me and try to make me hate her. A few days after that we completely stopped contact like we should've from the start. I was still a mess but the lack of contact helped me and I began to have thoughts like "If she was the one, she couldn't hurt me like this" ect.

 

A week went by and by the end of that week I had asked a girl out (successfully) and was keeping my chin up. I still was a mess but i was a mess who was making an effort. The following Monday I got in contact with one of our mutual friends who I had been talking to throughout it all. She informed me that my ex missed me terribly and that she hated being with her new boyfriend because it made her think of me. She also told me that my ex thought I hated her, which I didn't at all. Those things confused me immensely.

 

The next morning my ex messaged me. She wanted to know why I had unblocked her on facebook. I replied, and the only reason I did was because of her situation and because of what our friend told me. I normally would've told her that we couldn't talk after what she had done to me, but I caved. She then went on to apologize for everything. She told me she was doing it all in an attempt to make me hate her so I could get over her, and looking back that makes sense. She also told me that since we started NC things got worse for her; her mom is dying too and her bio dad got in contact with her. Fast froward to now we've been talking ever since and its been really nice actually. But it all kind of came crashing down today when I realized that I was falling back in love with her (I never fell out of it but I had forgotten why I loved her so much). I mentioned it to her and she told me that we couldn't be together. Hearing that put my mind in a spin trying to figure out why she would have broke NC if it wasn't because she missed me. Incidentally she broke up with her boyfriend the same day she broke NC.

 

The topper for it all was today. At work she sent me what should've been a totally benign picture of her with her new short haircut (oh my god she's is the cutest thing I've ever seen). I started thinking "what if I can't have that again" "what if another guy kisses her with that haircut" "she used to ask me about her hair before she changed it" and it ended up with me having a panic attack at work and I had to take lunch early just to calm down. I don't know why it did that to me but its even bugging me now. I feel mad, sad, anxious, worried, all over a silly haircut.

 

So that's where it all stands, just looking for opinions, suggestions, ect I know no one can fix things for me I'm just really needing support. I don't want to give up on her and I don't think she does either. I know it sounds like she is manipulating me and playing games but I really believe that's not the case. Bear in mind the seeming uniqueness of my situation, in that we both want each other (shes just convinced its impossible) and her life is a wreck right now and I understand why shes been the way she was. I also wanted to ask specifically what I should do about talking to her. If she won't be with me I guess I shouldn't be so accessible to her but I want to be there for her too. I don't know if telling her we can't talk will make her miss me or hurt her. I suspect that one reason shes talking to me is because she knows I'll show affection to her and that may alleviate the anxiety of the fact that I'm available, although I don't get the same from her. Just like plenty of other people on this site, I miss my ex so much it hurts. I can't think of life without her and any other girl is going to be second best. She was meant for me and I for her.

 

Any input is appreciated. Thanks for reading my rant.

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Any other girl will be second best? Set your standards higher, Dirtchewer. She purposefully hurt you, gives you crumbs to keep you interested, and lets her family decide who she can see. She sounds very young and immature, though I have no idea how old she is. Perhaps she'll mature and become self-possessed, less dependent on her family's approval. In the meantime, I think you can do better.

 

Perhaps you should try act nonchalant and confident (fake it 'til you make it). Stay busy. Do interesting and exciting things. Go on an adventure. Take up new hobbies (digital photography? Learn a new language? Learn to play the sax?) Join a team sport (instant new friends). Fill your life up and give her time to grow up.

 

And if you need to see a doctor to help with the panic attacks, don't be afraid to get that kind of support.

 

Good luck.

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She is only 17 and I am only 18, we are young Her parents said they'd kick her out of the house as soon as she turned eighteen if she stayed with me. As far as doing better, I just don't see it happening.

I think acting like its no big deal is the best way to go. Originally that's what I did, I hadn't mentioned anything about us to her until yesterday. I would be totally fine letting her grow up but I'm afraid of losing so much time with her, important time. Like I wanted to be able to celebrate her eighteenth birthday with her and such. As for getting treatment, I've thought about it but oh my god co-pays stack up quick.

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There are also less expensive natural cures for panic attacks.

 

First, make sure you're not having any nicotine or caffeine. These are powerful stimulants that create panic attacks, so if you're smoking or drinking coffee now and you quit, that might be enough to end the attacks on its own.

 

Second most important is to exercise hard, every day, if you don't already. This is going to tone your heart, manage your blood pressure, burn off stress-related hormones and create an environment of good brain chemistry and peace and calm. It's going to help with sleep, relaxation, stress, depression, anxiety, appetite.... everything. Meditation and yoga are also good for reducing anxiety. But the daily intense workout is non-negotiable.

 

There are also powerful natural sedatives you can pick up for cheap at any drugstore. Google these for more information: valerian capsules, St. John's Wort, kava kava, fish oil, camomile tea. There are homeopathic remedies also available at many drugstores now too -- a friend of mine swears by Hyland's Calms.... and someone else I know uses Bach's Rescue Remedy, available online at Amazon or at most health food stores, both under ten dollars.

 

Valerian is a safe natural sedative that's non-habit forming and has been used for over a hundred years. It helps with sleep and also is strong enough to stop a panic attack. Google it! A bottle should cost around five bucks.

 

Anyhow, this is what's worked for me. Good luck with it!

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Sharky, I drink a lot of coffee so I'll try and stop that immediately. As for the work out, I hit the gym daily so I've gotten that taken care of. I will definitely try those sedatives though, they sound like they'd help a lot, especially if I don't need a prescription.

Catfeeder, I agree but if I have NC I may end up losing someone I love who still wants to be with me. I don't want to live with regret.

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I don't want to live with regret.

 

That's already what you're opting to do. With every contact you find the slight to suffer, and you won't offer yourself the opportunity to heal from any of that--or the opportunity to stop being taken for granted by the girl who's dangling you around.

 

Taking the long road and the hard way is not a crime, but it makes no sense to complain about outcomes when you won't change your role in those.

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I'm not sure how to respond to that. I agree that having contact with her is digging me deeper, but I'm trying to figure out if it's going to pay off. I guess I don't see how she's dangling me around either, and I'm also not sure how shes taking me for granted. Unfortunately we're not together there's nothing for her to take for granted.

Also I may be misinterpreting what you wrote but the last statement seems kinda antagonistic. Its not like I'm choosing to go through this, and I'm trying to change my role in it but I'm not sure how, that's why I'm here. Also I thought this was a place to "complain" and even then its less complaining and more looking for help.

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