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How to tell best friend my beliefs without losing her friendship?


alohalove18

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My best friend is a lesbian. I grew up in a very religious family, my dad was a pastor. I have very conservative beliefs because that's the way I was raised and that's what I believe in to this day. However, my best friend doesn't know exactly HOW conservative I am. I do not agree with being gay. I love her but I don't agree with her choice. That is just my own personal opinion because of my upbringing. I'm not one to shove my beliefs down others throats.

 

Me and her just started being best friends a couple of months ago. We have gotten extremely close and hang out almost every day. Now people are going around saying that I'M a lesbian and it's been bothering me. I told her I wanted to post something on facebook saying it's stupid that people think I'm gay just because me and her are best friends. She got really upset and said it shouldn't matter what people think of me - but to me it DOES matter to me. It's been bothering me every single day that she doesn't know how I feel about her lifestyle. I don't want to lose her friendship, but I don't know how to go about telling her my beliefs. Like I said, I love her but I don't agree with her choice. I'm not trying to change her but I feel like I'm lying to her by not telling her the truth. Any suggestions on what to tell her?

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Her choice is none of your business and it has nothing to do with your beliefs.

 

At the end of her life, you will not have to stand before anything and give an accounting or take responsibility for how she chose to live her truth.

 

It's a bit self-absorbed, self-centered and self-ish of you to think that you're supposed to weigh in on something that is really, at the end of the day, none of your business.

 

You can bounce out of her life if it bothers you that much.

 

She is right--it doesnt' matter what other people think. You are the one with the problem, so if you can't handle being her friend, you need to go.

 

You will most certainly lose her friendship when you lay your judgmental attitude on her--because, doesn't your god say "judge not lest ye be judged"?

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Nothing. Unless she directly asks you "how do you feel about my being a lesbian?" It's none of your business to say how you feel about her "lifestyle".

 

She has asked me about it before, but I gave half the truth because I was afraid of what she would say. She has been trying to get me to date her and it's been making me uncomfortable. I have already told her this but she doesn't seem to listen. Then she is trying to get me to go to the Pride Parade with her, and I declined and she still keeps bugging me about it. Otherwise, I wouldn't feel the need to tell her my beliefs.

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She has asked me about it before, but I gave half the truth because I was afraid of what she would say. She has been trying to get me to date her and it's been making me uncomfortable. I have already told her this but she doesn't seem to listen. Then she is trying to get me to go to the Pride Parade with her, and I declined and she still keeps bugging me about it. Otherwise, I wouldn't feel the need to tell her my beliefs.

 

If this all bugs you so much, I'd suggest ending the friendship.

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Her choice is none of your business and it has nothing to do with your beliefs.

It's a bit self-absorbed, self-centered and self-ish of you to think that you're supposed to weigh in on something that is really, at the end of the day, none of your business.

 

 

 

You will most certainly lose her friendship when you lay your judgmental attitude on her--because, doesn't your god say "judge not lest ye be judged"?

 

How is that being selfish that I want to tell her the truth rather than leading her to believe that my beliefs are the same as hers?

 

And I'm not "judging" her. I personally just don't agree with being homosexual. If she wants to live that way, then that's fine, I'm not arguing with that.

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I love her but I don't agree with her choice. That is just my own personal opinion because of my upbringing. I'm not one to shove my beliefs down others throats.

 

Um, that's exactly what you are proposing to do: shove your beliefs down her throat because you want her to change to make you feel more comfortable in how you want to view the world. That's flimsy.

 

Me and her just started being best friends a couple of months ago.

 

A couple of months ago? So you think that qualifies you to tell her that she has to change who she is?

 

We have gotten extremely close and hang out almost every day. Now people are going around saying that I'M a lesbian and it's been bothering me. I told her I wanted to post something on facebook saying it's stupid that people think I'm gay just because me and her are best friends. She got really upset and said it shouldn't matter what people think of me - but to me it DOES matter to me. It's been bothering me every single day that she doesn't know how I feel about her lifestyle. I don't want to lose her friendship, but I don't know how to go about telling her my beliefs. Like I said, I love her but I don't agree with her choice. I'm not trying to change her but I feel like I'm lying to her by not telling her the truth. Any suggestions on what to tell her?

 

You ARE lying to yourself: you ARE trying to change her. If you weren't, who/how she is would not have prompted this paroxysm of judgement out of you and you'd let your actions speak for themselves and not worry about having to justify being her friend to anyone for any reason. You'd be a friend.

 

I've got a ton of lesbian friends; I'm not lesbian and I couldn't give a rat's behind what anyone thought because small minded, idiotic (mainly "xtian") people are going to think whatever the hell they want to think and there is nothing I can do to stop them, if they are that small minded and ignorant.

 

Why else would you tell her that you don't approve of her lifestyle choice unless you want her to change so that people stop making you feel uncomfortable in your association with her?

 

Do yourself a favor. Stop being her friend. She deserves a best friend who accepts who she is and how she is, not someone who rejects her because they are too puny to stand up to criticism and push back.

 

She has asked me about it before, but I gave half the truth because I was afraid of what she would say. She has been trying to get me to date her and it's been making me uncomfortable. I have already told her this but she doesn't seem to listen. Then she is trying to get me to go to the Pride Parade with her, and I declined and she still keeps bugging me about it. Otherwise, I wouldn't feel the need to tell her my beliefs.

 

So, instead of standing in your own truth and taking your butt whippin' for it, you chose to lie to her (no such thing as a half truth--it's either the truth or a lie) and now, the lie has put you in an untenable position and you will be found out to be false, when what you needed to have been doing was dealing squarely in the truth from the get-go.

 

But if right is so much on your side as you seem to think, you should have absolutely no fear of any kind of fall out from anything you say because, your view is the only right one in the matter.

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How is that being selfish that I want to tell her the truth rather than leading her to believe that my beliefs are the same as hers?

 

And I'm not "judging" her. I personally just don't agree with being homosexual. If she wants to live that way, then that's fine, I'm not arguing with that.

 

That's non sequitur. No one is asking or demanding that you to be homosexual, are they? What you agree with or don't agree with has nothing to do with her.

 

You are judging her by being so puffed up in your own pride about your views being right and she being wrong in how she chooses to live her life that you think it's your duty to step to her to make her change who she is.

 

If you can't see how offensive and boorish that is, then you are lost.

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It sounds like there has been some misunderstandings between the two of you, if she has been trying to date you.

 

You don't need to go into your beliefs about homosexuality in order to let her know that a romantic/sexual relationship is never going to happen.

 

You can decline same way if this was a male friend who was making advances which are unwelcome. By being clear. And by having good boundaries. Yes; there is the chance feelings may be hurt. You try and be kind. But there are no guarantees the friendship will stay the same. That's just life.

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I don't know how you can be 'best friends' with someone who really don't accept. I would be honest with her (because that's what best friends do) and then let the chips fall where they may. I'm not compatible romantically or 'best friend' wise with anyone who thinks being gay is a choice (I'm not gay but would be first in line at a parade supporting their rights!) and if I were gay I would want to know that my best friend thought I was I making a choice and didn't agree with my lifestyle/choice/whatever you want to call it.

I don't think you're being an authentic friend and should tell her what you really think so that she can pursue friends who accept her the way she is, embrace her lifestyle and would even stand side by side with her at a parade...that's what best friends do.

Now her making passes at you is a separate issue.. she is not respecting your boundaries or 'choice' to be straight. So on both sides I don't think you're being authentic friends who truly respect each other.

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You say you don't agree with her "choice" (I'll get to that word in a minute) because of how you were brought up. You do realize, right, that we can change our minds from how we were brought up?

 

And, did you CHOOSE to be straight? Probably not. It's just who you are. This is who she is. You aren't her "best" friend because you don't actually love her for who she is. She'd be better off without you. Do her that favor and go on to your "conservative" beliefs that allow you to not evolve into a better person.

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I was apart of a church for a long time. I also had many gay/lesbian friends and ever myself thought hard about what sexuality I was.

 

One of the many reasons I left the church were how judgemental Christian people are. And despite the fact that they most often mean no harm and actually mean well, they hurt people.

 

The only persons sexuality you should be concerned with is your own. As a Christian I understand that being a lesbian is to you living in sin. However you have to remember you are a sinner too. We all are. There is no person who does not sin. We have no right to even think of the sins of others until we are living a sin free life.

 

Also - homosexuality is not a choice. It's just a part of that person. So there is no real way of explaining your beliefs to your friend without hurting her. You could say something like 'I'm not attracted to woman, I never will be, just as you will never be attracted to men.' But to say you believe her sexuality to be a sin. That would ruin the strongest of friendships.

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I don't think there is anything wrong with your beliefs (I understand where more conservative people come from) but I'm wondering why you are best friends with her as well. I'll be friends with anyone but I think it's hard to be very close to someone when they are doing something that you fundamentally think is wrong, you know?

 

My advice is to not have this conversation with her. She will probably just feel hurt and lash out at you. I would distance myself slowly over time and not be best friends with her.

 

I have had past sexual experiences with females. I hate feeling sexually attracted to some females. It doesn't jive with the rest of me. I date men only. So I've gotten upset when some women have approached me and asked if I were a lesbian because I tripped their "gaydar" somehow. It's also probably because I am not very feminine. I understand where you're coming from when you said that you don't want people thinking you are gay. While I don't think homosexuality is a sin, I don't go to LGBT events or have very close LGBT friends because I don't want to be considered as someone who partakes in that lifestyle. I don't. It's not something I act on.

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Your friend is upset now because you worry about people thinking she's gay, I don't think she'll be too pleased that you don't approve of her "choice".

 

I'm very principled and I dumped a friend who told me that they didn't approve of me being gay. Why? Because you can have your bigoted views if you want but you're not going to be in my life looking down on me.

 

You seem to want us to give you permission to tell her, or to tell her that you disapprove of her "lifestyle" without her being upset, a nd you've all but told us you want qualified advice - you don't want any of us criticising you!

 

Being gay isn't a lifestyle or a choice. The only choice is not being unhappy, or pretending to feel things for people you don't.

 

Also the bible doesn't disapprove of lesbians. It says 'a man must not lie with another man as he lies with a woman'

- what does this mean anyway? Is it even possible to lie with a man the same way you do a woman?

- but more importantly, it doesn't say women can't lie with other women.

 

I say tell your friend! You can lose her or your outdated views that you choose to believe.

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She has been trying to get me to date her and it's been making me uncomfortable. I have already told her this but she doesn't seem to listen.
You need to drop this "friendship". It's not a real friendship, since one of you has developed romantic feelings for the other. Your lesbian friend is playing the "Nice Guy" role that some young men fall into when they fall for someone who doesn't feel the same way about them.

 

And the day you can tell her how you don't agree with her "choice" is the day that you can remember when precisely you decided to choose to be straight. Her sexuality is none of your business. If your Bible teachings are correct, then she is the one who will have to answer for whatever sins she has or will commit -- not you. Just as you don't like having other people assume you're a lesbian because you hang out with her (another reason to stop being her friend, since it bothers you so much), she won't appreciate having other people think she should be straight to make their lives easier.

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You don't say anything. You knew she was a lesbian and yet you chose to have a friendship with her and my guess is it didn't matter UNTIL others started complaining. So either listen to other people and end the friendship with her honestly saying, "I thought I could take the criticism, but I can't and I'm a coward, but that's just me" OR you tell the people getting on your case to shove off and you don't care if they think you're purple or gay or a martian. Your choice, but they are the only two choices you have, because telling her it bothers you and hoping she'll somehow magically change makes just about as much sense as you telling her you don't like short people and she needs to stop being short.

 

Seriously, you are shoving your beliefs down her throat if you say something and you'll make her feel crappy and teed off, because she has been honest all along about who she is. You, not so much. Don't be one of those people who go around with an, "Oh you'd be perfect if only you'd change to suit me..." Don't be that person.

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First of all, most people in the gay community don't believe (as do MANY heterosexual people) that being gay is a "choice". So, you're definitely setting yourself up for a HUGE argument there.

 

Hanging out with a lesbian does not make you a lesbian, any more than hanging out with a lawyer makes you a lawyer. If someone automatically assumes that, forgive me, but they are incredibly immature and ignorant.

 

If it really bothers you that much, then end the friendship. That's your only choice. Accept her for who she is or don't. There is no middle ground here.

 

She can't just change who she is, and if you can't get past that, it is probably best to end the friendship.

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