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I kissed someone else...It's killing me.


SpongeCake23

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So I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years. We have had our ups and downs but I have never cheated on him until now...I met up with someone I had been speaking to online and we got drunk...one thing lead to another (no excuse I know) and we ended up kissing. That was all though...he did ask me to stay the night with him but I said no because I knew that would be taking it too far.

Me and my BF haven't been getting on very well the last few months and the spark has gone out somewhat...we don't communicate as we should do and he seems to be getting cold feet about commitments such as marriage in the future, mortgages etc.

We are both 24 FYI.

Do I tell him what happened?

The other guy is still talking to me and is acting as though he likes me and wants more to happen...I don't know what I want...I don't think I can just flush 5 years down the drain for the thrill and spontaneity of seeing this other man.

Any advice would be great.

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It sounds as though you'd already checked out of your relationship. You met up with somebody you'd been talking to online - so I'm gonna guess you knew there was some form of attraction there prior to meeting.

 

You shouldn't throw 5 years away for this other guy but you should end your relationship to be on your own and figure out what you want.

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It sounds as though you'd already checked out of your relationship. You met up with somebody you'd been talking to online - so I'm gonna guess you knew there was some form of attraction there prior to meeting.

 

You shouldn't throw 5 years away for this other guy but you should end your relationship to be on your own and figure out what you want.

 

A part of me had because he hasn't been showing me that he wants to be with me long term in the future and has been acting very strange of late.

What if I break up with him and realise I've made a mistake though?

I feel sick to my stomach and can't even eat because of the guilt.

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Please. I do not think this is guilt. You cultivated a connection with this guy and then set this meeting up. You knew what you were doing.

 

You are racked with indecision and fear of getting caught. You knew you were going to kiss him before you even left the house. Be honest with yourself. And make a decision that takes you towards where you want to go. You could have just outgrown the 5 year relationship and are looking for a soft landing with another guy.

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Please. I do not think this is guilt. You cultivated a connection with this guy and then set this meeting up. You knew what you were doing.

 

You are racked with indecision and fear of getting caught. You knew you were going to kiss him before you even left the house. Be honest with yourself. And make a decision that takes you towards where you want to go. You could have just outgrown the 5 year relationship and are looking for a soft landing with another guy.

 

I honestly didn't know what was going to happen and that's the real truth...I thought we would get along as we have done online but I wasn't sure whether or not there would be that sort of connection.

What you have said makes sense...perhaps I have outgrown the relationship but I still love him...I just don't know if I'm in love with him anymore...which makes all the difference I think.

Do you think going on a break and deciding what we really want will help?

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What if I break up with him and realise I've made a mistake though?

 

I have a friend who dated the same guy from 17-25...I heard the same thing from her for the last couple of years of their relationship. Even after she cheated on him (more than a kiss). I don't say this judgmentally...unlike many other posters here, I empathize with others who are distraught over their own cheating. I've been there. It's not black and white, and it's not easy when we're young and unsure and just totally bewildered with what we've gotten ourselves into. Being unfaithful in a relationship doesn't doom you to make poor decisions forever, or never have a good relationship in the future. You just need to make this an opportunity to learn about yourself, and about how you interact with others. And acknowledge that sometimes we can really, deeply hurt others.

 

But back to my friend...I heard that all the time. And I told her that you just cannot know at this point how you will feel if you break up with him. Maybe it will be a mistake, but it will be also his decision on whether to try again. And it's only fair. It's only fair for both of you to know how the other feels. Maybe he feels similarly. Maybe your relationship has just run its course, but because you are inexperienced (I was there) you just don't know how to end it. It's okay to end relationships, even after 5 years, even after cheating on someone.

 

When it started dawning on me I wasn't fulfilled in my relationship from 19-22, other men definitely became more intriguing. Once I was alone with someone who I easy could have hooked up with...but didn't. I felt so, so guilty. I knew cheating was wrong, so I didn't want to do it, but did that mean I wanted to still be with my boyfriend? Ultimately, no. And then a few months later I did cheat and I ended my relationship the next day. It festered and I let it. And instead of ending my relationship in a mature way, I let it explode. My ex couldn't disentangle my feelings of wanting out vs. my having been with someone else. They were different. Related, yes, but I didn't meet someone and want to leave. I wanted to leave and then this other guy became an excuse. And it was confusing and even more heartbreaking for my ex.

 

So I suppose my point is, don't let it fester. Really ask yourself why you sought out the company of another man. Ask yourself do you want to still be with your boyfriend. If you do, why? Because of the time invested? Or because of him. And ask yourself now. Don't ignore it, figure out what it means now.

 

If you decide to stay with him, you should tell him about the kiss. Because then the continuation of the relationship is also his decision and he should know the full story. But if you decide to break up...I lean on the side of not telling him. It only hurts more.

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If the guilt is bothering you tell your bf. I had a friend get drunk at his dad's club and try to kiss me pinned me to wall and I ducked out under him. I felt bad because I would hang out with that friend at the club and my BF wouldn't enjoy going, didn't like that friend I told him about the try to kiss me and he got upset not at me but at the friend and didn't want me going to the club alone anymore either he went or I don't go. Your bf might forgive or might hold it against you or even go the route of for tat and kiss up a girl to match what you did. Either way, he'll be bothered but you will have to risk it to remove the feelings of keeping this secret from him.

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So if you really do want to fix this and you don't want to flush 5 years down the toilet then my advice is:

 

A) Cut the communication with the new guy since he is obviously way too comfortable with you cheating and he's making you way too comfortable with it too. You do not need that temptation or someone like that in your life, trust me.

B) You sit down with your boyfriend and you tell him how you're feeling and you decide between the two of you can this thing work or can't it. And you act accordingly.

C) IF you decide to stay with the BF you don't meet up with any more guys you met online since come on, that is you looking to cheat no matter what you say. What did you really think was going to happen and did your BF even know you were meeting up with this guy? Me thinks probably not and right there that's your big red flag. If you have to keep something a secret from your SO then your relationship is in trouble and you're doing something wrong. And you know it or you wouldn't be hiding it.

D) IF you and your boyfriend decide to split up then and only then reach back out to this new guy and see if he's still interested or if it was just a booty call/thrill of taking someone else's girlfriend away. Be prepared to have him cheat on you in the future though, because um, guys who go after someone who has a girlfriend/fiance/spouse are cheaters at heart and they like the thrill of that. They aren't good people. Ditto women who do this to men.

 

Those are your choices. Wringing your hands and saying how gosh you have no control over this and that or how you didn't mean for anything to happen is pure BS and you know it. So woman up and do the right thing. You're a human being and you do have control over your actions in spite of what popular media tells you about how being so overcome with desire you just can't help yourself. (Rolls eyes)

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Yeah you got to first admit to yourself you made some bad choices. Now it's time to sit your bf down and tell him what happened. Let him decide how to proceed forwards.

 

You probably shouldn't have been talking to that guy online and I don't think the meeting was purely platonic. I mean come on. No use in trying to convince yourself something you know isn't true?

 

It's all about taking responsibility for your actions.

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When you cheat on someone they are the victim, not you. Make up your mind. If you want your boyfriend don't mess around. If you don't want him dump him. If you like fooling around. Do that too. Just don't blame someone else for your behavior and try to rationalize it.

 

And if you wan to tell your boyfriend do it for his benefit, and not to relieve your guilt.

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This is a very helpful message thank you.

At the moment I'm torn between staying in my relationship, even though we aren't seeing eye to eye or taking a risk and going with the other guy...although he lives 4 hours away from me. In reality I'm not sure it would work...I would obviously break up with my boyfriend first.

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Why not break up with your boyfriend first? You know there are problems there and something is already up with him as well, so it's time to sit him down and have "the talk." From there if you do break up then I would advise you stay free of all guys for awhile. Maybe date this other guy fine but take some time for you. Don't rush to replace one person with another since that's a bad habit that can and usually does end you up in a number of just so relationships or worse.

 

Staying in a relationship out of fear that you may mess up in some way or miss out is the worst thing you can do. Your boyfriend now won't magically turn into someone else and you will love someone again, in fact chances are better than not you may have several relationships after him. Love isn't a finite thing with only so much and then you can't have any more. Honestly neither guy sounds like what you're looking for, so why not just keep searching. And make you the real center of your happiness, you'll find a much better match that way. Or even if you're single you can still have a good life. Some of my happiest times have been when I wasn't with anyone, so learning to let go of fear of being alone and just being willing to live with the consequences of your actions no matter what that might be is key.

 

Good luck and I really do hope you find what you're searching for, but I don't think a guy--any guy--is it. You sound restless and as if you're searching for something more and that's only a good thing. If you will go out and find it.

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