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I'm 19 and she's 23. Please help, don't know how to fix this...


rand112715

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I'm going to simplify this as much as possible!

 

Facts:

 

She's conservative (23 and still a virgin, not for religious reasons, just wants to be extra special, this fills her with pride).

 

Her memory is amazing, if she hears a song once or twice, she can sing along perfectly well, knows thousands of songs in her head.

 

She wants to go to Med School about next year, and she's not sure if it will take her out of the country, also, will see her a lot less once she starts.

 

I drive 20 minutes from my college to her house, and then from her house to mine, 40 minutes, almost every day.

 

I'm not a virgin. I wanted for it to be with someone special, but I got to the age of 18 and the peer pressure/hormones/urges/ "pride" got to me, since then, I've slept with 3 women total, the last one being with an older women and a one night stand.

 

She's an overthinker, very very active mentally (examples: is always conscious about EVERYTHING, how to drive, how to express yourself adequately, what to eat, to call before I do other things in the day like instead of waking up and have breakfast and watch some TV, to call her to plan "today" before doing those things.)

 

Pretty emotional; she can be the most loyal person in the world, but if I say/do something that upsets her, chances are she probably will not even want to hold my hand in that moment.

 

But enough with the facts, THE PROBLEMS, are primarily 4 things: I repeat, I love her wit hall my heart, this is SEVERELY SIMPLIFYING THINGS.

 

1. My past...I saw her on Facebook, thought she was beautiful, then saw that she was geeky and in my college. So I added her, and we began to talk a lot, at first she was not really interested in me because I was so young in comparison (4 years is not that much, but we're in different stages in life, her going to Med school in a year and me just on second year in Communications) and I'm not sure why

I did this, but although we talked for hours, I sadly told her (not sure if to "impress", to be "honest" or whatever the reason) about some of the things that I did while single. (Party life, one night stand, etc)

 

My view of life back then was, simply put: have fun with girls until you're 24-25 and satisfied curiosities/urges. Then, when I met the girl, everything would change. This was ignorance 100%. You don't "change" just because a person arrived in your life, you may WANT different things, but CHANGING itself is not that easy or simple.

 

Anyways, THE REAL PROBLEM, is that because of an incident which I cannot talk about, but that had to do with my conduct of that superficial and "party life", in unity with the TOO MANY details I told her about my past, it has affected my present and consequently, my future.

 

While we were dating, I was initially unsure if I was ready to commit. Couple of months later, I thought that I was, and I am.

 

The incident was during my uncertainty, but I was still leaning towards a life with her. Then I leaned entirely and asked her to be my girlfriend. She said yes of course, because she trusted my honest intentions!

 

The things is, she found out about the incident (1 month after we were officially BF and GF), that while we were still dating, I did a one time (I blocked all contact with that type of behavior after this incident) act that was not appropriate, even if we were just dating, we were still "exclusive".

 

She wanted to leave me, she felt very very disrespected, hurt, disgusted, etc.

 

We fought (primarily me, I've never once told her I wanted to leave her) and we decided to be together.

 

After months, we still have many many happy moments but it has not been mostly happy moments, unfortunately.

 

 

So the main issue is that SHE IS HAUNTED by the past, anything can set her off.

 

Sex scene in a movie/series? She automatically links it to the event and past life and it UPSETS HER COMPLETELY .

 

Upsets her to the point that physical contact "disgusts her".

 

So, HOW DO I HELP THIS?!

 

2. She may leave the country, I'm willing to study about my field anywhere she goes. I feel like I've finally found my girl, and I do not want to be with anyone else, just her and forever. She says people should not make decisions like that, of moving fro ma college, just because of a partner.

 

3. Her mood... It is not stable, and very delicate, and it has never been this way before she says. Anything can set her off or make "associations" with the past.

 

4. She has told me several times that she feels like a mother, more than a girlfriend, having to tell me so many "obvious" things, in many aspects of life.

 

What should I do, how can I help her get over the past/associations with my "single days"? Also, any techniques so that she does not get upset as easily with the maturity issues?

 

 

Thank you all very much, what you all write can change my life.

 

She is a very VERY special girl, and leaving her is NOT AN OPTION TO ME. Just FYI.

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What was the incident? Hard to gauge advice if we don't have any idea of what she's upset about..

 

Good luck.

 

 

Sigh...since this is confidential and totally anonymous, the event was that:

 

BEFORE we were bf and gf ALTHO we had agreed to be exclusive, I did a one-time thing. (one time because after i attempted it, i blocked that person after 5 minutes, i was basically saying "good bye" to that type of behavior)

 

I attempted to engage in Webcam s3x with a girl I had never met, from another country, just for the fun of it. (was basically like interactive p0rn for me)

 

Since I was leaving all that behind, i attempted it, she didn't reply, and i simply blocked her and never did anything like that again although i did keep watching p0rn (she didnt accept that) and she told me if she caught me again (phone history >>) she would leave me because she did not want to be with someone that "needed it"

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Doesn't sound like you two are compatible. While I don't condone what you did, she sounds terribly insecure, and that's not what you want to be dealing with for the rest of your life. And you can't change that, she has to want to change. Given that she's dictating stuff like you can never watch porn again, it looks like she wants you to change to conform to all her insecurities and not her. This is gonna make you both very unhappy. I know you don't want to hear that but I think it is the truth.

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BEFORE we were bf and gf ALTHO we had agreed to be exclusive

 

You did this way before you met her, or were you dating her while you webcammed with this other woman, but justified it because it was before the two of you were officially "boyfriend and girlfriend?"

 

I could excuse a guy who went for coffee with someone else if we had just been on a couple dates and did not have the "exclusive" talk - but if a guy met me and was having sex with anyone or webcammed with someone while we were "just dating" - i would dump him.

 

If you webcammed way before you met this young woman, to me, if I was dating you, you technically weren't with me at the time but it teaches me that you see women as objects. Or leads me to believe that.

 

Anyway, the clarification would be important.

 

Also, you say she is emotional - but

 

but if I say/do something that upsets her, chances are she probably will not even want to hold my hand in that moment.

 

If my boyfriend hurt me or upset me, I might not want to hold his hand for that moment until I cool off or we talk it out. Are you expecting her to take an insult or an upset and be touchy feely when you are hurting her?

 

I don't think she is insecure as everyone says - i just think she has certain thing she expects in a relationship and I think your past of webcamming makes her nervous that you are open to chatting to girls online or interactive porn. That is a lot different when a guy crosses the line into interacting than merely looking at movies or pictures now and again.

 

I do really think if porn is on your phone of all places that its not something you do every so often, its right there in your pocket and that is not compatible with what she wants.

 

I think you are just incompatible versus her being unreasonably insecure. I think part of it has to do with your age, honestly. She may do better with a guy who is over all of the "curiosity". Even if you say you are - a guy who is a little older and separted himself from the past would not be telling his girl the blow by blow details of things he did. He would put it behind him unless there is something she should know (ie, he slept with her best friend 10 years ago in his wild days and wants to be upfront).

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