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Uneven relationships.. need advice!

jannaly

By jannaly
in Dating Advice

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jannaly Newbie

jannaly

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Hi,

I hope someone can relate and maybe has some advice to share about how to even things out, or maybe to just not feel this way about things.

I have seen so many different females in my years have relationships where the guy pays, the guy brings her flowers on v-day, the guy takes her on vacation, the guy calls every day, visits 3x a week, lets her live with him for free, etc, etc. Of course some of those relationships were still problematic in ways, and i am in no way saying i want a man who will pay for or support me.

 

The problem i have is that i ALWAYS seem (over and over) to attract the men who have zero money, no credit cards, no bank account, live with parents (and we are talking adults in their 30s here). All these things don't really bother me as i am fully able to support myself and don't mind paying for myself (or think anyone should have to pay for me), but why do the men that like me never even offer? Not once, not even on a first date. No flowers, ever. I somehow end up loaning money for one reason or another, which of course i won't get back. They guilt trip me into feeling sorry for them because they spent the money on drinking with friends or a weekend trip and now can't afford rent, and there will be some reason how that comes back to me and is my fault so i have to eat whatever money i lent them.

Then there is time and feelings. They don't ask how my day was, they aren't respectful of my time. They are always late, they don't show up, they ditch me on important days like birthdays and holidays. If i want to do something on my bday i have to not only plan it, remind my bf 800 times, but most likely pay for it as well.

 

I think i'm a good catch. I'm nice, i have a good job, i'm responsible with money, i'm healthy, i'm fit, i think somewhat attractive, i go out of my way to try to do nice things for people, i am patient, trusting, i don't have any drama in my life at all, i have a wonderful family, i have no past baggage (other than this issue, that is). WHY is it SO difficult to find a guy that will be willing to contribute equally? Why do i always find this sort, why do the nice ones have no interest in dating me?

 

I'm not willing to settle for this, i don't think its fair or right. But at the same time, i'm not willing to spend the rest of my life alone OR go through another 800 of these relationships.

 

I know this posting sounds very whiny, i guess i need to whine about it right now. Any advice or understanding would be greatly appreciated.

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faraday Grand Master

faraday

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When I go out for a first meet with a guy, and he doesn't offer to come to my end of town...I don't meet him.

 

If he doesn't offer to pick up the first cup of coffee...I don't meet him for a second date.

 

When someone shows you who they really are, believe them. The first time.

 

If anyone ever asked me for money....they would be out of my life so fast...

 

You teach people how to treat you. Demand more.

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jannaly Newbie

jannaly

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Both of you are right, i know. I have always looked at it as treat others exsactly how you want to be treated. I have always felt that if i give people the benefit of the doubt and help whenever and however i can that they will reciprocate. But thats not how the world works, and maybe its time i learned that and put up a defense system.

I have always been very confident, i think its more a inherent belief that all people are good and trustworthy. I think that everyone will do what "I" would do in any given situation. Logically i know thats absurd, but in the back on mine i keep believing that. I need to stop, i will work on this!

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mbee Enthusiast

mbee

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You definitely need to have boundaries for yourself. I did a trial run where I gave EVERYONE a chance, just one or 2 chances as an experiment about standards. My quality of dates went way downhill and I ended up going out on dates with guys who had nothing going on and weren't willing to pay for dinners.

 

I did this trial run for a month before I was fed up, and then went back to having boundaries and standards. Sure, I wasn't going out on dates every weekend but ALL the guys I met, and I mean ALL the guys I met, paid for dates, were nice guys, had their own place, their own car and ultimately took care of themselves, never stood me up, and for the most part things ended in a mature manner.

 

You are right... you don't need to settle for this, so why give the guy the opportunity? You probably are seeing signs that this guy is a poor catch upfront and ignoring it for whatever reason. Maybe you want to see the best in people or want to give him the benefit of the doubt. Increase your standards and let the guy handle things. If he's unable to or guilt trips you, then just move on since he's not worth your time.

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mbee Enthusiast

mbee

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Both of you are right, i know. I have always looked at it as treat others exsactly how you want to be treated. I have always felt that if i give people the benefit of the doubt and help whenever and however i can that they will reciprocate. But thats not how the world works, and maybe its time i learned that and put up a defense system.

I have always been very confident, i think its more a inherent belief that all people are good and trustworthy. I think that everyone will do what "I" would do in any given situation. Logically i know thats absurd, but in the back on mine i keep believing that. I need to stop, i will work on this!

 

I used to feel that way and sometimes I let my guard down for friends or guys who I genuinely care for but you do need to ditch that philosophy while dating. It's not appropriate for the initial phases of dating. Anyway, I used to have this EXACT same problem. Like a prior poster says, when someone shows you who they are believe them. It's clear that not everyone treats people with respect or with the kindness that people expect/deserve. Try to work on accepting this. You can give people the benefit of the doubt in SOME situations but certainly not in ALL situations, and certainly NOT with dating and finding the right partner for you.

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icecreamaddict Apprentice

icecreamaddict

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All of these qualities you can discern within the first two dates. If he doesn't offer to at least split the first date, don't give him a second one. If he says he still lives with his parents don't go out with him. You need to figure out what specific qualities you are looking for and if the other person doesn't possess those qualities then they aren't the one for you and move on. Everyone has a different tolerance for these things, but you need to figure out what your boundaries are and stick to them.

 

When I was dating (primarily online dating) I wouldn't go out with anyone who lives with their parents or anyone who didn't go to college with a solid career path. Not to say that if someone who didn't go to college is a bad person, but it was just a choice I made that I could not see myself dating or marrying someone who didn't. Again, these are all choices - so stop dating men who are taking advantage of you!

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jcaves80 Apprentice

jcaves80

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You should Talk to my gf, she is unemployed and has been for the past 6.. 7 months easily, and i do all those things for her and shes dated nothing but low lives and now she has me , and sucks it all right up, so i'm on the other end of the spectrum but i can relate, truth be told my gf hasn't respected herself her entire life and that's why she attracted these types of guys, maybe you should examine yourself and get to know what your worth is. i guarantee once you know your worth it'll change.

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jcaves80 Apprentice

jcaves80

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Agreed! wholeheartedly!

 

You definitely need to set some standards for yourself and boundaries. Yes, sometimes giving people the benefit of the doubt is a good thing but not all the time. Not if you are getting treated with disrespect and being taken advantage of.
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jannaly Newbie

jannaly

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Thank you all for the advice, i actually feel a lot better reading the replies. I'm realizing i am GREAT at justifying things people do and i found myself just this afternoon almost making another excuse for the current 'problem' in my life. But i stopped myself.

 

Step one for me is my new zero tolerance rule for lending or giving money. Giving only, and only to family, no one else, ever. No excuses, no exceptions, and if the guy i'm dating isn't willing to accept that then thats his problem.

 

Step two is get rid of the current 'problem'. Thats a little harder, i don't want to.. i'd rather it just not be a problem anymore. I wonder if i should just put my boundaries up, initiate my new rules, and just see how it goes from there. Either he will be ok with it or not? I'm conflicted. He has done a couple big red flag things, but has also proven to be thoughtful and great in a lot of ways too.

 

Jcaves80- i wonder if your gf is feeling like she is owed a karmic debt of having to do nothing, from all the past bad relationships? I know i feel that way sometimes. Have you talked to her about it?

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jannaly Newbie

jannaly

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Wanted to ask if anyone was willing to listen to my red flags? Can use email email removed

This forum is already helping me feel so much stronger, i feel like talking out the issue in a little more detail could really help. Happy to listen and give advice to anyone else as well.

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