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Just want to escape everything and everyone


Prakas

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Just a little bit about me...I'm a male 26 years old, stable but low paying job, finishing an online degree in a year, and never been in a relationship. I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression several years ago. I bought a house a couple years ago, but here is the twist...I have always been close to my mother, but she is overbearing/protective/controlling and always saying how she CAN'T make it on her own. We've always lived together, so when I bought the house she came with me. I don't have the heart to say I just want to enjoy life and not be under her constant overbearing and ask her to leave. Then there's also another issue, I recently cosigned for a new car for her because her old one went up. So I'm on the hook for that.

 

We have our arguments over stupid things once every 2 months or so, but usually when shes been drinking. However, a few days ago we had one and it was nasty. She called me names I couldn't believe. The argument was because I was upstairs on the computer, and she was downstairs watching TV. Apparently she hit a button on the remote control and the TV wasn't working (she hit input). Anyway, she yelled and screamed my name to come down, but I was watching a show. She came upstairs flipping out calling me a-hole, etc. I went down and fixed it for her, and still she bantered. We haven't spoken since, and I don't think I can forgive her for it this time. I never call her names or anything, and she hasn't even apologized.

 

I never been in a relationship, and when I say something like I'm considering going out of town for the weekend, she wants to know where/why/who, etc. I am 26 and she still treats me like a 10 year old. Am I not entitled to a life of my own? Am I at her beck and call for the rest of my life, under my roof?

 

After this last argument we had, I really been thinking of just cashing out my checking account and leaving. Forgetting everything and everyone, mortgage, credit cards etc. My house is brand new and excellent history, but now I'll take a foreclosure just to get out. I can't take it anymore. I just want go to the other side of the country and start over. I would not want to look back. My life thus far, has been a waste. People my age and younger are successful, you see professional athletes, actors, etc. in their late teens/20s, and older living their life.

 

Any input or thoughts would be appreciated.

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Time to put on your big boy pants and tell your mom how you feel. I suggest publicly, maybe in her favourite restaurant so a scene isnt made. Don't make her feel like you dont want her in your life but that it's time for her to "cut the cord" and let you become a man on your own without her holding your hand and its time for her to get out there again too and find someone and be independent.

 

At 26 you should been experiencing alot of things already and it does sound a little bit like your mother is treating you like a little boy instead of a grown up but at the same time, you play a part in this as well. If you don't speak up how is your mom supposed to know. She probably thinks you depend on her greatly or she's terrified to be by herself because she hasnt in a long time. Either way the issue here is communication - you need to have a grown up conversation about this and she is never going to leave.

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Thanks...I pretty much agree with both...The problem is my heart is too big for my own good. She does work and helps out with some bills, but I'm more than able to handle it on my own. Things we don't talk about often, but she says she was beaten and choked by my father (in another country now). I'm afraid she won't be able to make it on her own and she'll hate me forever.

 

She is still treating me like a kid, and probably why I have a lot of issues. It just seems so much easier to disappear to another side of the country, but I have already missed so much in life.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi, did i understand correctly that you were selling the house? If you really want to support you mom maybe swap the house for two smaller apartments, would that work? Have them not be too close so you can still live your life without her constantly interfering and reassure her you would come to visit regularly, for example every tuesday and sunday for a few hours and call every now and then. You're responsible and independent while yes, she is overbearing and narcissistic and obviously has issues (i suspect she won't take therapy as they mostly don't, it's usually the child who gets treated and medicated because of the parents issue so don't let her impose any guilt on you. She will do fine on her own and you're not going no contact so you're not abandoning her or being a bad son (not that you would be a bad son if you did go NC either. They generally dislike it when you claim your right to live like a normal, free human being. But maintaining some level of communication may help you feel better as you're not just suddenly cutting of kindness and care, just keeping it limited and making sure you're not exploited and abused for it). Be prepared for accusations though, these people never take it lightly that their "prisoner" is suddenly going to be unavailable- they're emotional vampires and do need to exhaust someone because another persons energy is their life force. Forcing them to act like an independent grown up is a shock to them and they will either resist it kicking and screaming or sulk till you feel guilty and agree to stay with them. Your kindhearted nature does make things harder for you as you're easy to guilt into complying to her and genuinely feel sorry for her. You do need to know that setting your boundaries does not make you a bad person, this is tough for people who have been abused so if you haven't yet, announce it to your therapist or doc that you want to be independent and get out of this relationship because you will need someone supporting you when you start standing up for yourself, and you will need to do it consistently and she will try manipulating you out of your independence just as consistently. remember that you'll make her a fair deal ( phone calls, occasional visits, help her with something around the house occasionally perhaps), and remember this often so you don't fall into the trap of feeling like a bad person for taking care of yourself. There are groups on facebook and probably elsewhere that deal with the issue of narcissistic mothers, those who have successfully gotten out of their traps would be able to provide many tips, especially on how to deal with her manipulation, reclaiming your own life and avoiding guilt trips. Hope this helps a bit, good luck and do try to find a way to live on your own, this is draining you and you don't deserve it!

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