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Is he my boyfriend? Does he want to be? Is it too early to even bring that up?


Emerald

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Hi there!

 

I'm 24 years old and have never been in a relationship.

 

But three weeks ago, I met this guy, and we've been dating since (1-2 times a week). Things are going great. We get along, we laugh together, and we've had sex (he was my first...).

 

When I told him I was still a virgin, he admitted that he didn't really know what he wanted (relationship-wise), but that he was willing to "try", because he thought I was a really nice person. I didn't ask further because I didn't really know what to say!

 

By the way, he was really considerate when we had sex and made sure I was OK (both morally and physically).

 

He touches and kisses me a lot (he loves to cuddle), we text/chat online every day and he's sent me some texts which suggest that he misses me when I'm not with him (eg: during a night out with friends, he texted me: "it would be better if you were here").

 

He remembers a lot of details about stuff that I tell him. Also, he's showed me a lot of pictures/videos of his friends and family and gave me access to his private website, to which only a few people have access. He also showed enthusiasm when I told him I'd prepared some pictures to show him in return.

 

The other week, he cancelled his plans with his friends in order to go out with me.

 

Now, I'm having a really good time with him. I like him a lot and could very well fall in love with him. I'd like to know where this "thing" is going, but I'm afraid to ask him... I don't want to spoil our nice moments together by pressuring him. But I can't stop thinking about it! Is he my boyfriend? Does he want to be my boyfriend? Is it too early to even bring that up after one month of dating?

 

Thank you for your advice!

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Definitely not too early to bring that up. A month seems 'too-early' regarding many aspects of dating, one being 'marriage', but I do not think it is too early to gain information from him/her regarding the current route of whatever 'this' is we (you and him) are doing. I also noticed you are pointing out a vast number of instances that may 'validate' his mutual 'like/love' for you. Do not think this way, as it will just create expectations in your mind and it may be unreasonably justified. One thing that turns 'most' people off is that the person they are currently dating falls too fast, which shows signs of desperation, insecurity and/or attachment issues. I am not claiming you are this way, but people seem to view others this way, so be careful. I would ask him from a perspective of "Where do you see this leading and what do you want out of it?"... Put the ball in his court so he does not feel pressured or obligated to mimic your answer. Let us know how it goes

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Thanks for your answer blacklantana!

I know I should try not to over-think things... But as I said, I've never been in a relationship so it's quite difficult for me. Also, I get attached to people really quickly and I'm afraid I'll get badly hurt...

 

I was thinking of telling him that I really enjoy spending time with him and ask him if he feels the same way, and then ask him about where he thinks "this" is going (as you said).

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The best way in my opinion to go about this is have a talk about how you feel, i think it's fine to tell him you enjoy spending time together and it sounds like he does too, if the conversation goes well, tell him "i really like you, i don't want to see other people", but i stress make that statement about you, he should say he agrees and doesn't want to see other people too.

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I've already told him that he drives me a little nuts, and he once told me (that was right after the second time we had sex): "you're killing me, you know that?" looking straight into my eyes. Gah, why is dating so complicated?? I wish I was more self-confident.

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The question is, if he does not seem to share the same views on the relationship as you do, what will your response then be? Are you willing to "wait it out" and see if he "comes around" to feeling the same as you do? If worst comes to worst, do not string yourself along. You will then blame him for 'allowing' the stringing to happen, in turn causing you to scar and put up an unnecessary wall for the next young stud that comes into your life. There is no debate, a 'wall' should always be present, but it should be for logical reasons and not due to something erratic.

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it seems to be me that he agreed to try having a relationship when you told him you were virgin so yeah i would say he is your boyfriend. i would drop the word boyfriend into conversation casually and see how he responds. enjoy whats going on , it seems nice.

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blackatlanta: I dont think I would mind it if he wanted to take things slow and/or not want to "label" what we have, but I would definitely mind it if he wanted to date other women... I don't think I could still see him if I knew he went on other dates! I don't consider myself single anymore.

 

charity: he DID say he was willing to try, but I don't know lol I'm not so sure it means he's my BF!

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So you all seem to think it's NOT too early to bring the matter up... Actually, we met online on the 16th of January and had our first date on the 28th. I'm probably seeing him tomorrow. I don't know what we'll be doing yet ^^ But no sex, because it's that time of the month XD I feel really nervous now!

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Huh.... "I am willing to try?", what kind of response is that? That is not cute at all.

 

And you are having sex with him... no solid agreement to a commitment... that is ALL you have, that and that he mumbled he will TRY - which is NOT concrete, and imo - seems a bit lacking in empathy and doesnt seem promising.

 

If you dont say anything, then you put him in the drivers seat, and you have no control - and you are literally just going along for the ride. If you dont mind the ride, then theres nothing wrong with that.

 

When i wanted a girl as my gf, i wanted to hear what she wanted with me - i actually tried to get it out of her. The only girls i shrugged it off or got uncomfortable with when they asked, were women i didnt see myself with in a long-term commitment. It was that simple in my case. If i wanted to wait it out, i would never respond with a "try" - but then again, so many people mumble clueless things, that you just never know, especially after knowing him for only 3 weeks.

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I truly believe that if it wasn't too early to have sex, it's definitely not too early to ask where you stand! You don't want to find yourself in a situation, 2 months later, where you find out about him going on dates with other women, confront him about it and have the unpleasant surprise to find out he felt he was free to do so, because you two never had the "exclusivity talk". Personally I would have first discussed being exclusive before having sex with a guy, but you did it this way and for now it sounds like things are going well.

 

So yeah, it's not too soon. You need to know where you stand, and the sooner the better. If his answer is anything other than "yes of course we are an exclusive couple", then it means he's been seeing others too and you'll have to decide if you're ok with it or not.

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I never thought I'd have sex with him that soon, but it felt so right and familiar, and easy with him...

 

We're both French speakers and when he said he wasn't sure what he wanted but was willing to try, it didn't sound "clueless" but just really honest.

 

So I guess I'll have to ask him about our "exclusiveness" ^^ Even if it freaks me out. I'd rather he told me sth I don't want to hear now rather than later...

 

Thanks guys for your advice!

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I have always thought it best to very upfront about that subject. Never assume either way, because if you do its likely you've assumed wrong and someone will end up being hurt. And i think its perfectly appropriate to ask after you've started (or sometimes right before) having sex. Also be prepared for either answer and maybe examine how you would feel about either answer before hand so you have an idea what path to take post answer.

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If it is not too early to have sex it is certainly not too early to bring this up.

 

That's an excellent rule of thumb to follow.

 

So you all seem to think it's NOT too early to bring the matter up... Actually, we met online on the 16th of January and had our first date on the 28th. I'm probably seeing him tomorrow. I don't know what we'll be doing yet ^^ But no sex, because it's that time of the month XD I feel really nervous now!

 

My boyfriend and I dated for three weeks (that includes one week spent apart because it was the holidays) before we officially became a couple. It was really fast but we knew we didn't want to see other people.

 

Since you're having sex, at the very least a chat about exclusivity should take place!

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If you can get naked with someone, you should be comfortable with having a conversation about expectations and boundaries with someone.

 

A lot of men and women on this forum have no issue ripping their cloths off and jumping into bed with someone, but when it comes to talking, everyone turns into such shy wall flowers. Just be fuddles me.

 

If it is an exclusive relationship that you want, be strong and straight forward about it. If he hesitates and say no, then date other people.

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Thanks for all your answers!

 

I kind of had to have the talk because yesterday morning, he told me that he was considering going back to Paris (that's where he's from, but he's lived in Switzerland--where I live--for 3 years). Later that day, I told him I started to really care about him and that this piece of news made me sad. I told him I really enjoyed our moments together and wanted to continue seeing him and doing things with him. That's when he said that he doesn't know what he wants, that his future is totally unknown (generally, not just regarding me) and that he's unable to make plans (again, generally). I said that it scared me, because I get attached to people really quickly and I don't want to get hurt. He said we should take things slow. I said yes, but I also said that I can't help thinking "what if he leaves?". He understands... But when I told him that thinking of "us" made me happy, that I wanted to meet his friends and sister, that I wanted him to meet my friends and my brother and that I wanted to do things with him, he said that we'd have to talk more (that conversation was on skype).

 

I don't know when we'll talk yet. I feel really down. I'm not sure I can invest myself with someone who doesn't know what he wants! I'm just too scared I'll get badly hurt. Some of my friends said I should just enjoy my moments with him, but I'm just not sure I can do that I know what I want: I want to build something with him and knowing that he might not see a future with me is really difficult... I was wondering whether he'd ever write to me again. He just did: he sent me a text, telling me he's excited about his day (he's going away for the day, to take pictures).

 

I guess it's a good thing that I have some time before we talk more. I'll try to take a step back and figure out what I'll tell/ask him, and what I'm ready to do/not do regarding this relationship. Sometimes I wonder if I'm ever going to find someone who's right for me...

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This is why i keep emphasizing that if the woman lets the man in the drivers seat, he can ride it out and play it out exactly like he wants.

 

He's already showed you three times (one being that hes moving) that this is a short ride, and his only response to what you want is "taking it slow"- which in my experience is shunning all emotional connections so you can wash your hands off of him easily. You should start pushing away, if not physically, then emotionally. If things do work out somehow, no harm will be done because you can re-invest you feelings again - and if this is too hard, then i recommend you bow out before your feelings for him grow.

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Yes... I'm waiting for our talk, but I'm not optimistic

 

He's a really good guy, I know that, and he has the right to not want to commit. I absolutely don't blame him for anything. But the fact that he's so caring makes things even more painful for me. He'd just be the perfect guy for me, if it weren't for his not knowing what he wants...

 

And yeah, it seems hard to continue seeing him and not get more attached. So I'll see what he really has to say and decide then.

 

I'll keep you posted ^^

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Unfortunately he has made it clear already that he doesn't want to commit, he doesn't want something serious, he may not have said it in so many words but if you read between the lines, that's what it all amounts to.

Given the way you already feel about him, I think it's impossible for you to continue sleeping with him and not get even more attached, so from now on I would suggest you cut off the sex and move on. Unless you want to be the girl he has sex with until he leaves, of course. But don't wait for commitment and him being your boyfriend, because it doesn't sound like that's what he wants. From the looks of it, he's treating you more like a FWB.

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