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will i be happy with him?


bibliophile01

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I've been in a relatinship with a guy for a year and he is thinking about getting married. We are in our late 20's and he says he does not want to be an old dad to a baby.

I really like him, I haven't loved anyone as much as I love this guy, but often I wonder if I'm going to be happy married to him. I am so unsure.

What should I do?

How do I decide?

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There are no guarantee's in life.

 

My rule of thumb has always been....date on year before becoming engaged. Be engaged for a year before getting married. You should know someone pretty well by the time 2 years is up!

 

But as MHOWE says...not enough info. I would think that MOST people would be crazy in love...and SO SURE in there love to be married, that there would be no uncertainty. But then again....

 

Life and marriage has no guarantees....

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and he is thinking about getting married.

 

Hmm... You didn't say "WE are thinking about getting married."

 

1) Do YOU want children as much as he does and it is just a matter of the right time/right relationship?

2) Or are you unsure you want kids.

3) Before you met him, were you hoping to meet someone to marry?

 

I would simply tell him that while you care for him a lot, you have only been dating a year. You feel it is too early in the relationship to marry. If that is how you feel. If you do want kids also, but feel that after a year, you feel that you want to get to know him even better, than say so.

 

Have you met all his family yet? (mom, dad, siblings, grandparents, aunts/uncles?)

 

Don't get married if you are not absolutely sure you want to marry HIM.

 

I really say you should at least be together two years before getting married so you can really get to know somebody.

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I've been in a relatinship with a guy for a year and he is thinking about getting married. We are in our late 20's and he says he does not want to be an old dad to a baby.

I really like him, I haven't loved anyone as much as I love this guy, but often I wonder if I'm going to be happy married to him. I am so unsure.

What should I do?

How do I decide?

 

Heres how you decide.

 

Step 1. Ask yourself what you want in a ideal mate/guy and make a list of everything you thought of.

 

Step 2. Filter out the luxuries and keep the necessities, be realistic.

 

Step 3. Compare him to that list and keep an eye on the necessities that he did not match.

 

Step 4. Ask yourself if you can live without those necessities, the answer should be no, otherwise they wouldn't be necessities to begin with.

 

Step 5. If hes met all the necessities then congratulations, you are now married. Otherwise go onto Step 6.

 

Step 6. If hes not met all the necessities, have a good think about the likelihood of finding someone better, if very likely then proceed with finding someone better suited for you. If very unlikely then proceed to Step 7.

 

Step 7. Weigh the amount of which you want a husband versus the amount of necessities that he matched versus the likelihood of you finding someone better. If your want for a husband overwhelms the amount of necessities that wasn't match by him and the likelihood of you finding someone better is much too low then settle, otherwise, take a risk and try for someone better.

 

Hope this helps.

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My sister had a list of 'wants'. 1.Never married. No kids, no baggage.

2. Catholic. Faith was very important to her

3. Conservative/Republican Political views important

4. Could dance and travel would be nice. She had taken dance lessons and gone on cruises around the world, etc.

 

Met a guy who was never married, catholic and conservative....but wasn't crazy over him. A year later she couldn't stand him.

 

She decided she would get a guy who was 'broke in'.

 

Got on a dating site, met a guy who had been married 30 years, 4 kids, 15 grandkids. A baptist. (religion still important) Didn't like to travel (even tho she makes him) and even tho he's hispanic...can't dance a lick.

 

But he's conservation.

 

Oh well....what you think you need can fly out the window when you meet the 'one'....just as long as they have the same values as you. In her case 'religion (just a different one) and politics (which i could care diddly squat about!!)

 

Oh....and the first one wasn't good in bed....and the one she married was. I guess he got more practice in!!! So i imagine sex was important too!

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RealityNut brings fourth a good point, but her point is only valid because/if you don't know what you actually want and your necessities weren't actually necessities. Sometimes you THINK you MUST HAVE X or Y but after a while you realize that X or Y wasn't that important, this is just you not having a full understanding of why you NEED X or Y, you may simply think you want it which is subject to change.

 

For instance I KNOW for a fact that my dream girl MUST be appreciative of what I do for her and the reason is that I know myself well enough to understand that I need reciprocation, part of reciprocation is appreciation. How do I KNOW that I need it? Because I've never done anything or wanted to do anything for no reward/reciprocation, I'm not a doormat and I hate wasted effort/energy, I like efficiency and high gain not the opposite.

 

In order to "make a decision", you really only have 1 of 2 path ways, let your emotions/the heart dominate the decision or let your mind/logic dominate the decision. Note that you cannot split it 50/50 because 2 entities both with 50% say in a decision and doesn't agree with one another = a decision that cannot be made.

 

Making an emotional decision runs the risk of not have thought things through or a rushed "in the moment" kind of decision which doesn't last very long.

 

On the flip side, making a logical decision only works if you really understand yourself, know exactly what you want and you are able to give clear reasoning derived from previous experiences which most people are oblivious to. From what I have gathered in my many many years of observation, the majority of the people are almost expecting the other person to show them what they themselves want because they don't understand themselves well enough or too ignorant to dig up past experiences to formulate some sort of filter.

 

People will often tell you that once you've met "the one" you will know and if you need to think about his proposal etc... then hes not the one and stuff like that.

 

I have a strong suspicion that those people just had an increase in dopamine levels in their brain and it worked out due to luck, I've seen so many cases where spur of the moment "yes" lead to a unhappy married life while on the flip side, I hardly ever see couples who were together for a very very long period of time who are also friends with each other have a unhappy marriage.

 

Long story short, trial and error is probably the safest and most reliable method but obviously, use the steps above to decide whether hes worthy of the trial to begin with.

 

Remember to consider;

 

What are the consequences of getting married to him? In the event that you possess more assets than he does then you need to really think it through, whether you're OK with losing half of that after a divorce or not.

 

Are you ready for a marriage?

 

Should the worst happen, how would this effect you mentally?

 

Remember that after the honeymoon phase, there will be a sharp change in how he treats you... This is usually the case so you may want to see what kind of person he really is first. A good word of advice, if hes overdoing it or trying too hard to please you or chasing you too hard, he will almost certainly change once he got what he wanted and that energy may shift to something else he wants later on and you may feel neglected.

 

If you're not as self centric as I am then you may want to consider things like, how would it effect your family, friends etc... whether he will be on your side or on the side of his family should an big disagreement occur, when a big disagreement occurs between you or your family and his and he takes the side of his family, you may feel like everyone is against you and over compensate by being hyper defensive. Once this state is reached, it would be quite detrimental in the long term because you know in the back of your mind that anytime something happens, he will always be on the side of his family and you've got no one on your side.

 

Basically if you've considered all that and you still think it is a good idea to marry him then go for it, life is either high risk high reward or low risk and minimal returns. The same concept applies in love, falling for someone is taking a risk, it may pay off or you may lose everything. The amount of risk you want to take is in your control but the amount of reward you get from it is entirely in his control, its a concept I really despise but the reward should it pay off is simply euphoric =).

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