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Possibly Mr. Right with a huge hang-up


Gallifrey

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Hello everyone, this is my first post. I look forward to your insight and advice. I'm not very good when it comes to dating. I spent 5 years in an abusive relationship with a drug addict. I met him when I was 19 and he was 26. We immediately moved in together and my life went to hell. Just a little background. It is about 7 years since I left him, and I haven't dated anyone seriously since. I'm afraid that I'll end up in the same situation, as when we first started dating he was completely normal and said nothing about drugs and other poor activities. I know that not all men are that way, and I've finally met someone that I can really see myself with. I've known him for about 3 years, we met at work and became quick friends. I didn't look at him as someone I wanted to be in a relationship with at first, because I had a lot of work to do with myself before I was ready to let someone in. Well, it became obvious after knowing him for just a couple of months that he quite liked me in a romantic way, although he never said anything about it nor gave me any hints. He's a wonderful person and is always there when I need him. We spend time together every single week and sometimes on the weekends. So, three years down the road, I'm finally ready for a serious relationship. I finally opened my mouth and told him how I feel about him. He was quiet for awhile, then asked how long I've felt this way. I told him that it's been about 2 years, and that I didn't want to say anything because I was going through some mental issues and I didn't think it would have been fair to pull him into it. I know have my brain back in working order, which is why I reached out to him. He then went on to tell me that he has felt the same for a very long time, and wanted to say something last February, but couldn't work up the nerve. He said that he wished he would have said something sooner, and that I would have as well. But he met a woman online and they are kind of dating. I'm not jealous, I know these things happen. But the problem is, she sounds like a terrible person when he talks about her. When they met last summer she was living in a half way house due to her alcohol and pill addiction. I don't judge people, I know what it's like when things get hard and I believe that people can change. The thing of it is, when he lost his job of 10 years and was on unemployment looking for work, she had the gall to ask him to borrow her over $1000.00. He and I spoke last week, and he said she still hasn't paid him back...and also that she fell off the wagon and is using again. From what he says to me, she treats him like dirt and only wants him around at certain times. I was honest about my opinion on the situation and told him that he'd be better off cutting his losses and moving on. I have a lot of alcoholics in my family, and sometimes they just need to be alone to figure things out. After saying this, he continued to tell me that all of his other friends are saying the same thing. So, to end this very long post, should I give up hope on any romantic happenings and just be there as a friend? I will always be his friend, lest he do something extremely terrible to me which I can't imagine ever happening. What really gets me the most, is that he flat out said he has feelings for me as well and would like to try things out, but "for some reason he's hung up on her." It really pains me to see how much she uses him, granted I've never met her, nor do I care to, I only know what he says. And he tries to sugar coat everything by just saying she's having a hard time in life. I've been through mental breakdowns, deaths of close family members, heck, I even lost my home, but I've always managed to take care of myself some how, or reach out to my family to get me on the right path. I just don't understand why he is staying with her (and they're not even labeling themselves as being in a relationship) when he has someone who is honest, caring, fun, easy going, and with no addictions standing right in front of him. Ok, I will end this as it is super long. Any thoughts and or opinions are much appreciated. Oh, and let me add that I'm quite the introvert so it was really hard for me to lay my feelings out like that.

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Also, I'd like to add that he is really the first guy that has peaked my attention for longer than a few minutes in the nearly 7 years I've been single. We have a lot in common, but also a lot not in common (which I think is important). We have a lot of the same values and ethics as well. Ok, that is all. Your input and thoughts will be greatly appreciated.

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Has he ever met her in person?

If the answer is no....then don't even worry about being his friend.

He needs to be needed.

If he won't give up on a cyber relationship... only because he gave her money for someone right in front of him....well, he isn't worth any more of your time.

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What a tricky situation.. How strange that he is so hung up on her, when she seems to just be using him.. Especially borrowing $1000, most likely to fuel her drug addiction, I'm sure she never even stopped using she probably just told him that but is still doing it on a regular basis.. How sad. He must be blinded by what's really going on here.. Not much you can do though, he needs to figure that out for himself, he'll realize soon enough I'm sure. In the mean time, just be his friend as usual.. Don't say anymore about your feelings for him or anything, let him be the one to come to you about it, obviously he does like you but he needs to make a decision whether it's you or her.

 

Just be positive, and go about things how you usually would, try not let it get you down.. I'm sure he will open his eyes and see your the one he wants to be with! Not wasting his time on this other girl..

 

Goodluck

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Thank you! We have hung out a few times since I told him how I feel, and things aren't weird. He tries to talk about her a little less, but I told him he can talk about whatever he wants. What gets me the most is that he is going through the same thing that I went through. I thought that my boyfriend would change, because I believe in people. I don't mean that I thought I could change him, I just thought he would come to his senses and quit the drugs and lying. I spent five years with that. He didn't work, I held down 3 jobs just to try to pay the bills. In the end, we were evicted from our apartment and I had a huge amount of debt, because I was young and stupid and put all the bills in my name. I take responsibility for it, even though I know he took advantage of me. I also told the guy I'm interested in the entire story about me and my ex, because it was so similar to his situation. He was really taken aback that I would let that happen to me, I said the same to him. Last time he came over to my place he was complaining about it and I kind of cut him off and said "Look, I know she's in a bad place and that you are trying to help her, but don't be stupid like me. Don't be the door mat she's making you out to be. I won't say anything else aside from the fact that you should end things with her. Not for me, but for you". It's just so difficult when you see things like this happen to good people. He has even mentioned that his other friends told him they don't want to hear it anymore and that he should have left her months ago.

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Oh, and one more thing. This made me think he was starting to come around to my side of things. My birthday is in December. I didn't get anything from him, but that's absolutely fine and didn't bother me. But a week after I told him how I felt, he came over to watch a movie and just so happened to have two birthday presents for me (this was actually last week). He said he bought them before my birthday but has forgotten them in his car this whole time. I find that bit hard to believe because we often use his car to go out to eat and what-not. I'm not trying to read into things by any means, but in the 3 years I've known him he's never given me a present. We always pay our separate checks at restaurants and ect. But this gave me a glimmer of hope. Sorry to be so wordy, but being rather introverted I don't talk about these things with people often. It's easier to do so online.

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That was a very good thing to say to him, straight to the point! Bet he really started thinking about things more clearly after you said that.. Let's hope. And of course, it's only in our instinct to trust and believe in people, and hope for the best for them. I always seem to get with guys that are damaged or have issues in some way or another, it's very strange but I have thought about all my relationships and it's so true, my mum says it's because I want to try and help them, but I never succeed and the relationship fails dramatically, like all of them have. I'm sure that's what happened with you and your boyfriend of 5 years, but at least you came to realization eventually! Same with him. I think it's really nice that he bought you birthday presents, shows he certainly cares for you. I hope things go the way you're hoping they do, please don't get your hopes up too much though.. If after the next month or two he still hasn't come to his decision, then I think it's best to leave it at that.. Maybe even distance yourself from him after that, because I'm sure it hurts you because you like him and you can't have him.. It's just a recipe for disaster. I've been involved with a guy for a couple of months now, but turns out he just wants to be friends and I'm finding it extremely hard to do that, I dunno how or if I can but I still talk to him.. It hurts a bit, I guess I'll get over him with time but I still don't think I want to be his 'friend' when I like him like this.. Ohhhh the drama with boys.

 

 

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Well, to his defense, I've never bought him a birthday or Christmas present until this year either. While we hung out a lot, we weren't close friends until about the last year and a half. I have a difficult time letting people in, due to being burned in the past. Also, they were very thoughtful birthday presents, belated or not. Doctor Who related, which is my very favorite television show.

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He sounds like he has some real issues of his own to sort out. Why would he want to be with this woman unless he has some major problems of his own?

 

Either way, by being with her, he is saying he is not interested in a relationship with you.

 

So, you can either keep hanging out with him and feeling lousy about it, or cut things off and potentially open yourself up to finding someone who wants to be with you.

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As much as you probably don't want to hear this I think you're trading one bad relationship for another one if you let things go any further. He may like you, he may want to want you, but by his own admission he's hung up on someone else and has no intentions of leaving her. So that means he is in love with her. He may not tell you that and he'll hold out a promise to you that maybe someday he'll wise up and leave her to be with you, but bluntly speaking that's because he wants you as a venting buddy/no cost therapist. It's not because he really loves you and wants to be with only you and will do whatever it takes to be there. It's because he's smart enough to manipulate you into giving him what he wants and needs rather than him caring enough about you as a friend to not burden you needlessly and hurt you after your confessing your feelings to him. A true friend would have been honest and said, "Look, I don't have the same feelings for you that I do for her and this isn't fair to you." And he'd have distanced himself from you knowing that being around you and talking about her would hurt. NOT now deciding you can play therapist and patch up his ego, so he can go home to his girlfriend.

 

Also if he's with someone else then he's not free and single no matter how you or he colors it. He's cheating on his girlfriend with you, emotionally and somewhere along the line if you let him probably physically too. Sorry, but I don't see a guy who's your friend or a potential love interest, I see an emotional vampire who wants your relationship to be a one-way street where you do all the giving and he does all the taking. And I think you're being played just as surely as if this guy were married since it's still a version of that tired old line, "My wife doesn't understand me/is so terrible/oh if only I could leave her...." that we're all very familiar with.

 

I think you've either just traded one addict for another--your ex being hooked on drugs, this guy being hooked on drama OR you're being set up by someone who wants you to be his side girl, but never his main one. And that's not what even a friend does let alone someone you could have a normal, healthy, emotionally satisfying and happy relationship with him. If it were me I'd dial the friendship wayyyyy back and focus on dating other men and finding someone who is sane and clean of all addictions. And yes, going into some form of therapy if you can't or don't know how to do that without some help. You need to learn to set boundaries and stop being so overgiving of people that you can and should be able to see are using you.

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