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Please help; in dire need of advice... expressing my romantic value to her!


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So the young lady I most recently posted about has been very warm and receptive to me lately, at least as friends, and that is a wonderful thing for me considering my absolute isolation from women. She is really great. Since she has invited me to our small group for study, we have become pretty close, I'd say.

 

She'll text me nearly every day, especially any time she is in distress or just needs someone there. And the last time we had our study, she told me I looked nice, and afterwards walking out to her car to say goodbye, she gave me a hug.. sweetheart!

 

Couple of things I need help with... she told me about how she is "gradually" breaking up with her boyfriend; she is actually moving out of their house and into a new apartment with a new roommate, because she can't stand her situation with him. I just want to know how, if there is any way, that I can continue being a great friend to her and yet also get her to see me as a potential romantic partner in the future; I'm worried about the "friend zone". I mean, I will not proceed with anything resembling romance unless and until she splits with him, and after giving her some time. I just want her to keep me in the back of her mind, you know? I really care about her and this is the most healthy friendship/"relationship" I've had with someone In many years. I don't want to become too much of a friend If I don't have to.

 

Secondly, I wonder why she will bring up us hanging out together but when I text her later with vague and general suggestions like, "If you've got time this evening, let me know" she won't follow through. Is there are reason for this? Should I be more specific?

 

Thank you so much for your help and input!!!

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Secondly, I wonder why she will bring up us hanging out together but when I text her later with vague and general suggestions like, "If you've got time this evening, let me know" she won't follow through. Is there are reason for this? Should I be more specific?

 

Thank you so much for your help and input!!!

 

Sounds like she is using you as an emotional cruch (this is spelled correctly?) during her time of need. Why would she not follow through? Maybe, her time is being spent with the boyfriend . . .

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I think you are firmly in the friend zone. It would be wrong to make a move now. But if and when she breaks up with her bf (after a respectable amount of time), you need to make a move on her. I don't think this friendship thing is a good idea.

 

Here is a great quote about this idea: link removed

 

"Do you want to know how to get out of the friend zone? Don't act like her friend. Don't act like her buddy. Don't have any fear. Don't act like somebody different. Act like yourself. If you're attracted to her, grab her hand. If you want to kiss her, go in for the kiss. If you want to go out with her again, tell her so. Act like you do with all the other women.

 

Don’t get caught up in the fantasy in your head. You have no idea if she's perfect for you at all. None. That's your fantasy. That's an illusion.

 

Take her out. Ask her out. Make sure she knows it's a date, not just a hang-out-in-the-park-with-two-dogs-running-around. Step up and be a man because you don't need another friend.

 

A proper date is what you need to do to stay out of the friend zone. Go in and give her a kiss on the lips so she knows you're dealing with a man. Grab her when you feel like it. Don't be wimpy. Step up to the plate because you need to let her see the real you. If not, then she's never going to know what a great guy you are and then you're going to be stuck in the friend zone and you're going to see her walking down the street with another guy and you're going to realize you blew it with a great girl.

 

So how do you escape the friend zone? Don’t be her friend in the first place."

 

Read more at: link removed

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I've gone that route, "asking them out." Rejection is almost always the imminent result. Not attractive enough (I assume), Not charming enough (I assume), so entering and then digging my way out of the friendzone is my only option.

 

And I can't help that she has one. I didn't seek her out because she happened to have one. She initiated things with me (friendship), and it just so happens that she has one which she is attempting to distance herself from.

 

So two things: 1) Most girls ARE in relationships already, in my experience from whom I've met. 2) I can not change that fact.

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I usually avoid situations like this. What matters is WHO is doing the breaking up. If its him, or its "mutual"- i would tread carefully. Also, there are a lot of people who have told me their bf issues and i read it as her trying to gauge my attraction to her, if she was trying to help her cheat with me or not - its still not a cute situation for me.

 

She could be seeing you as a door out of her relationship, and it doesnt have to mean as a potential person to date, but instead a man that can guide her away from her ex-bfs influence. You can play the friend part, this isnt instant friendshipzone, we all start as friends, the most successful men start as friends... but for you to avoid the zone or gauge her intentions with you YOU NEED to flirt, turn the tables and make it so obvious that if she is not interested she will be uncomfortable - you pick up that sign, then you are wasting your time- unless you want to be her pick-me up.

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Thorshammer, might you offer me some suggestions on subtle flirtation? I could really use some ideas and it would be greatly appreciated.

 

Ms. Darcy, and if you'd reply to this I'd appreciate it, it isn't really my fault. There isn't a code women around me display that says, "single," or "taken," And I do not actively pursue; the women in my life have come to me. And I'd also like to say that I'm not behaving like a lapdog and I take offense to that; I'm not begging for her attention or constantly and constantly attempting to be in contact with her. I've just been standing on the sidelines showing a respectable distance and showing that I'm reliable, and I will be helping her move. That's really the extent of it. It's not as though I've been trying to drive a wedge into her life.

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Well, this is what i have been doing to flirt... and yes... i am super coooooooooooooooorny. But, these are things i like to say because these are true, this is really who i am inside, and i get a certain warm fuzzy feeling when i say it. But, again.. this is how i project my inner-nature, you have to find out whats inside of you, and of course, you have to like the girl. I do notice some women tend to fall in love with me really fast when i do behave this way (and i am sure some others roll their eyes but just play along - and even then its a good back and forth of cute-banter), which is why i rarely go that far - especially online, when we meet and shes not my type in person.

 

I ask about cuddles. Like i ask the girl i am chatting with if she likes cuddles. She said yeah, i told her good, because i have a cuddle quota. Then she went on about how shes good at cuddling and that she found what i said to be cute, then i said ok, good... we have a truce during our 'reading time' (we both like to read, and i wont lie - this is a plant to show a glimpse of "us" even though their is no us, shes just a friend)- but once reading is over - i need cuddles and kisses on my cheek so i can start my day dancing and whistling...

 

Wow... actually, i just realized how corny i really am.

 

Anyways, a girl who isnt interested will not "play along". It doesnt have to be about cuddles, it can be about something "cute" or personal. This could be too much for some women - but hey, this is me... im not here to be friends, i am here because i am interested and i do what i can to keep that firing burning and make my intentions known. If shes shy, then its possible she can be reserved (though i have never encountered someone shy on text - people are bold on text). If she is super-reserved by personal code - then she could be hard to figure out, i dont usually encounter women like that in NYC.

 

Another thing is i tell them exactly what i want to say and feel, completely forgetting the rules about how men can turn off women by being needy. I used my breakup of 2 years ago to mold me into something i thought could prevent another breakup like that again - but the numbers came in, i attracted less women by being way too reserved and by balancing way too much on one side of that tight rope. As soon as i adjusted to pre-break up thor, i returned to what worked. Not only did it net my success, but its more genuine and its more me.

 

Now, that doesnt mean its ok to be needy or clingy, it just means to be carefree and not worry when you slighly lean that way for a bit. So many men are scared of being too needy or clingy because its WEAK, nope... they got it wrong, so do many pua books... they are still scared, they are still weak. Its the bold and carefree that are successful. So, i tell them, "hey... i really like you." or "i hope we work out, i see myself with you". I really believe its an edge i have over men, especially that my body-language and demeanor doesnt show desperation or weakness when i say it.

 

So be bold, be carefree - and force the answer you want. She talks about her bf, i would say, "i would never do that to you" and then explain why or why not, and what she deserves, also tell her you like her and it sucks she was tied down to someone like that for that long. I am sure those words would be all honest and heart-felt. But... if you have a very needy and clingy demeanor, and lack strong confidence and a solid carefree position, then this can backfire - because you will project these words as COMPENSATION or LOVE ME, I NEED LOVE as opposed to... this is how i feel, i said it and i mean it...

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I can not tell you how much clearer that made everything. Maybe I shouldn't fear being more upfront about where her and I could possibly go together, and subtly being open with how I can see myself with her. I have mastered, or gotten much better, at keeping minimal contact, although last night I could feel myself wishing a lot of things, and wanting to get in touch. I have the clingy-ness subsiding, but I do need to work on my confidence. Going to the Gym has helped, although it can not fulfill my romantic & emotional needs.

 

My plan of action as it stands is to remain true and trustworthy, and see whether things go well with her boyfriend once she gets space. Who knows though, maybe like you said before, my purpose is to lead her out of that situation and on to meeting someone better. I believe we meet people for a reason.

 

Her and I could be great friends If that is what is meant to be, obviously I would prefer otherwise though.

 

Mind me asking where you feel you made error in terms of neediness 2 years ago? Would help me to gain perspective.

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I'm not advising that you get involved with her before she breaks it off but your intentions are clearly romantic and the fact that you are waiting in the wings for her to come around under the guise of friendship is a little disingenuous. My advice would be to just be up front with her about how you feel (obviously not in an overbearing/demanding way) - the timing is not great but it's still better than the alternative IMO. You can then just distance yourself from her for awhile while she works out the situation with her bf and let her think about it.

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Keep in mind again, shes in a relationship... and also note if she does get out... she will be someone out of a relationship - and with that might come all the general bumps that come with it (she might not be ready, she might have doubts over the decision, etc). You have to realize when too much is too much and when you lean into pressuring her too much.

 

The neediness happened when i was super young too (your age actually, lol) - i wasnt only needy, i was inexperienced and insecure. I didnt see life how i see life now- The neediness of 2 years ago came with a host of problems, neglect and becoming too comfortable, but that was during a relationship - it doesnt really relate to your experience.

 

 

 

Lol

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  • 2 weeks later...

Just an update: I helped her move a couple of days ago, and afterwards she, her roommate and I went out for dinner.

 

I told her that it meant a lot to me that she asked me to help her. She texted me a reply, thanking me for the help & that she was glad I had a good time. We did not get in contact for a day or so, and later she texts me telling me he finally split with her.

 

I just got back in contact offering my sympathy and letting her know she deserves better.

 

I suggested we get together in a few days and talk about some things... this could go either way, but regardless I hope to keep our friendship.

 

Wish me luck....

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