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THIS IS what the DUMPER is thinking


kiama

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So, for a second im going to stop moping, sulking, crying, researching, etc and just possibly give some level headed advice (easier to give than to take).

 

THIS IS WHY IT WONT WORK NOW.

 

So you're dumped, you panic, freak out and want to try fix things NOW. It cant happen. why? Well my dumper told me exactly why - and it is what ALL DUMPERS ARE THINKING TOO! Not a shadow of a doubt here.

 

After a zillion questions, trying to compromise blah blah blah, the conversation went along the lines of this:

 

Me: We know what the problem was, we have agreed we should have addressed it sooner, we can try make this work.

 

Him: I don't think we can.

 

ME THINKING SILENTLY (! why why why, we have just spoken about the issue, and how we can fix it damit! why don't you think we can!)

 

Me: But we can, we KNOW the problem.

 

Him: I've made up my mind, I don't think it will work

 

Me: Why don't you think it will work?

 

CRUNCHLINE:

 

Him: Because it will always be in the back of my mind that I think we should break up.

 

 

BINGO.

 

That's why folks. that is exactly why any type of recon after the break up talk is pretty much zero. It is also why trying to convince them how it can be worked out, is not possible. Like a song stuck in your head, they have breaking up in their minds, it wont go away.

 

So for those who manage to persuade their other half to stay during the break up convo, this is what is going to happen - guaranteed. Its going to end sooner rather than later ANYWAY. Why, because he has that thought still stuck in his head. Every single day that passes, He is going to think you are over trying and even if you are, he is going to see it as you being FAKE. Nothing is going to seem genuine, and you of course are going to be walking on eggshells. lose-lose situation, so - there is no point trying to change the mind of the dumper during the dumping conversation because even if you do, it is still over. FACT.

 

I questioned and questioned and TRIED myself, but that line hit home. So what to do from there. Well the best thing is to allow that niggling thought in his mind to vanish. How? By being DUMPED. Once you're dumped, that thought cannot be there anymore. One issue solved (in his mind). Remove the thought from his head and allow the relationship to END. Everyone talks about how to get them to start remembering the good etc, well, allowing the relationship to end removes the first major negativity in his head. That can only be a good thing for the dumpee, at the end of these exceptionally long freaking days.

 

I also asked ''do you think we could work things out in the future?'' Answer: '' I don't know ''

 

They don't know! Theyre not saying no, theyre not saying yes because they don't know - if you push for an answer - you will get a definite no, because they are basing the answer on how they are feeling in the current time. Dumpers live in the present. Dumpees live FOR the future of reconciliation. Stupid, because that already puts you on two different pages of incompatibility, which is not what we want! We want them to realise we are compatible, the problems were solvable bla bla - well then, we have to at least start off on the same page surely - if that's ever to happen in the future right? Hows that going to happen when one party is living for the now and the other party is living in dream land? Gah, makes me sick when I make sense - because I don't want to take my own advice.

 

I even asked ''have you thought about the circumstances involved and how that may have effected things between us'' His answer '' I haven't really thought of it like that to be honest, right now, I am just trying to concentrate on work and moving back to my home town''

 

(I live in his home town - he has a super stressful job)

 

There we go, they are living for now, they are not thinking about what might happen between yourselves in the future. The only closure I got from that reply was I was a little relieved that he hadn't honestly thought about things from a certain perspective - meaning hopefully, one day, he will.

 

My dumper said a strange thing to me too - which really baffled me. '' I don't know if you're trying to hard, I'm confused, because you have been the perfect girlfriend this past week '' (That is when I stayed with him for a week - I had the house clean, dinner ready, did all the washing etc, for when he got home from work. I wasn't trying - I was just being nice, I didn't have a job so what else was I to do all day long! Very strange. Very strange. When I brought that statement of his up later he denied saying it. - mind f$$$k. Anyway back to the point ....

 

So - where to from here.

 

Right, so, the dumpee has removed a negative thing in his head by allowing him to go through with the breakup and scratch that itch - it had to be scratched. Now any other negative thoughts running through his head will only ever go away over time. Main point is HE HAD TO DUMP YOU in his mind.

 

Now, live life, just like he is, right now he is HAPPY. He finally went through with what was bugging him and he is relieved about that, because he is not being bugged by that thought anymore! Possibly through time, and no contact, he may start wondering a bit. Maybe, but what the heck is the point in waiting around and not moving forward anyway? Sitting in limbo waiting for that to happen? If our dreams come true and they want to get back into our lives again, is it really going to be great if you have nothing to show for the time apart? They are going to think this ''what the hell have you been doing all this time - you were talking about doing this, and that, and achieving this and that when we were an item, and you STILL haven't done it - WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING!'' Useless, absolutely a useless path to choose (the one I'm on).

 

So, achieve something - just ONE thing, without him being a part of that achievement, so if he DOES ever want to talk again, there is something interesting to talk about. If he doesn't talk to you, he may hear about it - and there will, THERE WILL, be a sense of proudness that he feels for the one he once loved. One cannot prevent that kind of feeling, so the dumpee wins here. The absolute last thing you want him to hear of, or know of, is that you're going nowhere in life. Ultimately he wants someone who is an achiever - that's the kind of person he wants for the rest of his life, not someone who goes nowhere.

 

Think of some of the things he criticised you about - ones worthy of criticism. None of us are perfect. I will give you two examples of my self - he used to say 'you smoke to much' and 'don't be so negative' I have learnt since where the negativity came from (anxiety) didn't really know back then so I have been dealing with that, and my anxiety is pretty much gone (long story) The smoking thing, well - I am in the process of giving it up altogether (difficult). But, there's two examples. If he hears how much of a positive person I am these days, its going to ring bells. If I can conquer the smoking sooner than later, and he hears of this, well - that will impress him, he never believed I could - I can prove that wrong. But in giving up smoking, its a win-win situation because its something I need to do for myself anyway, but its another positive change in me. Focus on changing some bad habits, take note of whatever criticism there was and figure out if its something you should've listened to, and strive towards being a better person. That can only put you in a better place.

 

Be stubborn. No matter how much of a nice person one is, it is natural for one to feel they are in control of a situation. People say to me, 'don't give him the power'. I defend my ex, and respond with words like, 'he's not like that, its not about power' - well it is. Sadly. No matter how determined one is to end a relationship, no matter how happy they are with their decision - subconsciously they are also happy that they made that decision, that they had power over that decision. The more the dumpee tries to discuss things, fix things, declare their love etc, well the dumper is sitting so bleeding high up on a pedestal they know they are king. It makes them think LESS about the breakup because they don't need to think.

 

You may think you are doing well by the whole little contact thing - you're not. You may go one week NC and then cave with a drunk text. Then go another week of strict NC and send an email, then another week of strict NC and decide a light hearted joke message is fun. Think about it. Technically it seems like its not so bad. Only 3 forms of contact over 3 weeks, not bad is it - its very little. The thing is, you're just reminding him on a weekly (in this example)basis that you're there if he changes his mind. Giving him absolutely no reason to FIND HIS OWN TIME to seriously consider what is actually happening. He doesn't want to think about the 'seriousness' of the situation, and he is trying not to, he is avoiding doubting his decision big time, he wants to believe beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is right in what he has decided upon. By reminding him of your existence, you prevent that serious reality thought from happening on his side. What you WANT is for him to go through his relieved phase, his happy phase, his I love being single phase, because during these phases, he is not at all thinking twice about the breakup. So let it flow. Once all that subsides, only then will he possibly start to wonder. This could take ages, months, so don't sit around waiting for his euphoric moment. But there will come a time when he will think twice. He most definitely thought twice about whether he should end the relationship, he most likely will think twice about whether ending it was right too at some point or another, but only if we back the f^^cK off, completely. What I mean by what is 'actually happening' is this: ''I let go of a relationship that wasn't that bad. I chose to let it go and by doing that it means she can do what she wants. Do I really want that. What is she doing with herself, why is she not around anymore. Has she met someone new? is she sleeping with them? If she is, I cant be mad because I basically told her to move on. What have I really actually done. Was it right. Maybe we should've tried'' Who knows if those kind of thoughts will enter his mind. Point is, it doesn't matter. If they do it will break them eventually. If they don't what have you really lost anyway. Its one of those, they either give a toss, or not. Time will tell.

 

Stop being selfish. If you're like me, you've been a miserable for a good few weeks. Its not fair on the people who love you. They do not like seeing us so down. It worries them. It causes them heartache too - and they feel helpless. One person hurt YOU/US, yet we are so hell bent on trying to figure things out, we are hurting MANY others in the process. Those many being the ones who really love you/us. Stop it. Stop it. Its not fair on us or them.

 

Come to terms with it. there is NOTHING else left to do. Im sure your dumper knows well and clear you'd like it to work out one day (by now). What the hell else can you do. Really? You can take a horse to water but you cannot make it drink. let the ball go. Chuck it in their court (which i'm positive all of us have done already) and leave it there. It was a sh&&ty old ball, you can buy another in a sports shop. It may have been your favourite ball but hey ho. If one day you awake to find it in your yard, great. If not, its a ball. It is replaceable.

 

They do not want to be with us, hence they are not. sob sob, how can they not want us ..... well easily. look at us. look at the mess we are making for ourselves. Time ticks, and we are moping about for someone who doesn't want us, all in the while we could just be achieving a goal, or an ambition, that who knows, could turn things around???? Who knows! Nobody. Not a single soul. End of the day, they absolutely most definitely will never second guess their decision for a break up if we are weak - who wants to be with the runt of the litter? Pick your chin off the floor and be the person they loved in the first place or more so an even better person. Your morbidly depressed state of mind was definitely not what brought you together was it?

 

Step outside of your comfort zone - in regards to taking your mind off things. Yeah, you can hike, yeah you can do this, yeah, yeah yeah. Why not think of something extraordinary to get involved with. A wow factor. Something super unique. My example .... in my state of I need to achieve something different ... I thought about learning to fire dance! Its cool. its uncommon. It is different. For someone to find an interest in you (especially the second time round) one needs to be unique, unusual, mysterious - different! Find something DIFFERENT to do.

 

At the end of the day. It is the beginning of the night.

 

Be LOGICAL.

 

If you realised you let a good thing go, would YOU just let things be and allow it to get lost without trying to sort it out? Hell no. Nobody would. No normal person would. Well, the dumper wont either. If the dumper finds he has made a mistake, he will rectify it. If he doesn't, we weren't a good thing in his eyes. simple. its oh so very simple. Trick is, how long does it take to realise weve lost a good thing. How long is a piece of string? There is no answer to this, so it is best to just carry on. We cant live our lives hoping that one day we will win the lottery and base our decisions on the millions we will make. Absurd.

 

Fantasy - I am literally imagining them all at the moment. I have about 6 different fantasies wafting around my brain about how we end up back together and they are beautiful. I find myself smiling at the ideas. But is he doing the same? Nope. So why do it. why even allow yourself to imagine the future that nobody even knows, that isn't even certain. Get a grip on your minds.

 

My poor mom called me this evening, after I have literally avoided talking to her for 3 weeks (and we are close). I just didn't want to have to repeat my story, and ask the same million questions again and again and again. well, when she called, there I went and asked all the same questions. Hoping that maybe the answers would be different, from a different person. Well, they aren't. And I think deep down I knew this would be the case, hence the avoidance. She said, STOP THINKING about what he might be thinking, it is impossible to know. I said 'its so hard', she said ''no, it is easy - he DITCHED you, after promising you the world - when it sounds to good to be true, it normally is''

 

Get Angry. I find myself trying to stop myself from being angry because I love him so much. It's almost as if I know that if I get to the angry stage, I will never want him back - and that's a reality I am not happy to deal with. I want him back. Maybe it is time for us all to see it for what it really really is. Nobody's perfect. nobody. Ups and downs happen in life. I can genuinely say that in my case I was wrong in 2 ways. I was suffering from anxiety and was very tense, periodically - this led to a couple of fights. One of those fights I lashed out - very wrong but that's a long story.

 

The reality of MY situation is this:

 

I left another person for this man. I left a country I'd lived in for 10 years for this man. I left a good job, for this man. I got myself into debt because of this man (he claimed money wasn't a problem and so to hurry up and move home), I banked my entire future with this man after he told his entire family we were going to marry, have kids etc. That is a serious amount of sacrifice on my part. I was ditched less than ONE MONTH after returning home. Yet - I still cant even seem to find any kind of anger towards him. that is how BLIND love can be.

 

Right, so now I shall go back to being all messed up again.

 

oh, and a good poem to learn ...

 

"On an ancient wall in China

where a brooding Buddha blinks,

deeply graved is the message-

It is later than you think.

 

The Clock of life is wound but once

and no man has the power,

to tell just when the hands will stop,

at late or early hour.

 

Now is all the time you own,

the past but a golden link,

so go Cruising now my brother-

It is later than you think.

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I dumped lots of people in my day, and a couple times I was the dumped one. While you made some very good points and I could relate to some of it, I never was one to overthink like this. I figured if I wanted to move on, I moved on. And if someone else moved on without me, I figured I didn't want anyone who didn't want me. I couldn't waste my time otherwise.

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Meh. Not in my experience. I only dump someone when all options to fix things have failed or if I simply do not want to make the effort anymore. When I've been dumped, I lose attraction and attachment pretty much instantly - someone who doesn't appreciate me is just not attractive to me.

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Meh. Not in my experience. I only dump someone when all options to fix things have failed or if I simply do not want to make the effort anymore. When I've been dumped, I lose attraction and attachment pretty much instantly - someone who doesn't appreciate me is just not attractive to me.

 

How is this possible? It means you never loved the person. How can you lose it instantly?

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Meh. Not in my experience. I only dump someone when all options to fix things have failed or if I simply do not want to make the effort anymore. When I've been dumped, I lose attraction and attachment pretty much instantly - someone who doesn't appreciate me is just not attractive to me.

 

I don't understand this either.. although it seems like a good trait to have, because you won't suffer from breakups. But I can not imagine truly loving someone and then losing all attraction when I get dumped. Then there wasn't much love to begin with..?

 

I do however, got over one ex very quick -- it was the "was I drunk the entire relationship?" feeling. I guess that was because I had very little self-esteem back then and I settled for someone waaaaay less attractive than my now ex was. Kind of an embarrassment now if I think about it is that normal?

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There is some good stuff here, but I have a comment. The assumption you are making is that 'we had a good thing' and hence the relationship is inherently good and should continue. But you are two individuals and your perceptions can be totally different. You can view it as wonderful, fantastic, a perfect and great relationship BUT he is a totally separate individual from you, and his perceptions will be entirely different. And people do not leave relationships they see as good. They leave because the relationship is not filling their needs, or they see someone else they decide might be better for them, or there is a big imbalance in needs/goals/attraction etc. So what you are perceiving as wonderful/perfect/should continue, they will be seeing as stifling/annoying/boring/constricting or any other number of emotions that are the impetus for them to break up with you.

 

So you absolutely can't make sense of why they'd leave, and hang onto the hope you'll get back together, because you see the relationship as good and wonderful. But they do the opposite. There may be some things about it they like, but for whatever reason, they've decide it is no longer a good relationship, or they wouldn't be leaving to begin with.

 

And another truism is that people rarely tell you the whole story/reason they are leaving. It may be out of kindness because they don't want to tell you they've gotten bored with you or what they once thought was cute about you has turned out to annoy them very much, or it may be self interest, as in they've spied someone else they find hugely attractive enough to make them decide to go with chasing a different person but don't want to look like the bad guy or trigger your anger/jealousy, to they soften/fudge on that reason, or they've decided that they don't want a steady/permanent relationship right now because other goals they want to pursue or focus on conflict with building a relationship.

 

So you can do these intense analyses of every word they say to try to come up with a 'reason' or something you feel you can work with to leverage into getting back together, when what they've told you might be totally false, or only a tiny part of the REAL reason they are leaving. So all your analysis is a waste of time in that case.

 

and it is as frequent as the sunrise for them to say, 'maybe sometime in the future' if you confront them and demand to know if they might get back with you later. Because they don't want the drama and emotions that will explode out of you if they say, 'nope, sorry, i'm totally done and am never coming back because my feelings have fizzled out and i'm not interested anymore and have my eye on someone/something new and am itching to be free to pursue that.' So they throw you a bone. Whenever you hear that 'maybe in the future,' just ASSUME it's a bone and that's all it is, because there is a 95% chance that is all there is.

 

they leave because they see themselves as happier/better off without you than with you. And anything else they say or you think is all just noise. There could be a million minor sub-reasons why they make the choice to go, but the bottom line is people gravitate towards things they want and away from things they don't want. So to heal, you need to focus on this fact: They made another choice than you. And WHY they made that choice, only they really know. And that won't change unless they decide that choice was wrong, so waiting around to figure out whether they will change their mind or not doesn't make sense.

 

You need to ACCEPT their choice if they don't want to talk about it, and get on with your life, because life is indeed about choices and is short, and there are a million roads and people for you to meet if you are willing to set yourself free rather than martyring yourself for a relationship that no longer exists. Because the second they break up with you, no matter how much you wanted/enjoyed that relationship, it no longer exists because they have chosen a different path and are walking away from you.

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