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Great post about cheaters


jonyyy

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Don't know if I should post this here or in the Healing forum. But I thought this might help the cheaters too, since probably there are plenty around here.

 

All credit to the OP: link removed

 

why cheating hurts the cheater most

hey guys,

 

been thinking about the dynamics of cheating. thought id throw some thoughts out here.

 

I believe (at the risk of being attacked by various DJs) that cheating is the actions of a weak person (male or female) and that ultimately the person hurt most is the person who did the cheating.

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Wow, that's so simple. It's deep, but so simple to really sum it down to. My question is what causes a cheater to be faithful?! Million Dollar Question, anyone willing to answer it? LOL give it a shot. My answer is simple: I think it's only when they meet someone who meets their own needs in all levels, emotionally, physically, financially, and spiritually. Once they find that, they may stop their deceitful ways. I feel this way currently. But yes, this holds a lot of truth.

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But you can only meet their own needs for a certain period. Also it involves luck, cheaters can have their needs fulfilled but if someone new, interesting shows up in their lives, they cheat.

 

And I think it's impossible for the partner to control the levels of emotional/ spiritual fulfilment that he provides to the cheater, these are very volatile things, even more in a cheater. So it's only a matter of time/ luck until they cheat again.

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But you can only meet their own needs for a certain period. Also it involves luck, cheaters can have their needs fulfilled but if someone new, interesting shows up in their lives, they cheat.

 

And I think it's impossible for the partner to control the levels of emotional/ spiritual fulfilment that he provides to the cheater, these are very volatile things, even more in a cheater. So it's only a matter of time/ luck until they cheat again.

 

Then you agree with 'once a cheater, always a cheater'?

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I believe that if you can do it once, you're able to do it again, no matter how regretful you might be afterwards. It's in you. If the circumstances are provided and you get challenged, yeah I believe you'll cheat again.

 

Also cheaters are so weak and coward that they usually don't take the time to heal or fix themselves. To learn what was wrong, what they did wrong, how can they not do it again. They never take the time to emotionally correct themselves. They just make some excuses inside their heads to easily move on.

 

Unfortunately I've been introduced to the world of cheaters a couple months ago and now it's fun to watch how they usually fit the patterns.

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Everyone it unique but IMO there are certain patterns. From what I've been watching there are two major types of cheaters.

 

1. The all in cheaters. These people don't have those core basic values. They don't have any compassion or respect for others. They are selfish and they conscioulsy cheat, they love the game, the excitment. Some are even proud of themselves, they brag to friends. They hardly suffer with breakups, move on really fast. They aknowledge themselves as cheaters and are OK with that, it does no bothers them.

 

2. This is most dangerous one. This type of cheaters are usually people who hate cheaters, who think they won't and will never do it. These people see themselves as good, compassionate and caring for others (and maybe they truly are). Until a challenge comes by, a rough time appears. Then they cheat. And because it goes again their own principles they regret afterwards. These are the ones who often want to get back together, who promise never do it again etc. They rationalize to themselves that it wasn't their fault. Bottom line they don't aknowledge themselves as cheaters and they are not comfortable with cheating.

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My take on cheaters has always been they want what they want, when they want it and to hell with how it will affect anyone else. They simply put their needs ahead of any concern for others, often to their own detriment in the long run..

 

Yes I agree with this completely. I think it's easier for a cheater to ignore what their actions will do to someone else. Or it is something they just do not consider.

 

A cheater is selfish (and I am saying that because I have cheated, so I am basing it on my own actions and thoughts at the time). I did not think of anyone but myself. I eventually did break up with my boyfriend at the time, and I can honestly say my cheating ways did not continue with any future relationships. Maybe I was curious, maybe I grew up and realized that it just wasn't who I had wanted to be, who knows.

 

Now my ex husband has always cheated and continues to cheat on whoever he is with to this day. So maybe 'once a cheater, always a cheater' isn't something that is 100% true. Maybe some cheaters do so because of an unfulfilled need or a constant need for admiration or excitement, I really can't say. But I do think that if a person is not happy with their self that there are things they can do besides cheating to make themselves feel loved. They can learn to fall in love with themselves and find the fulfillment they are missing within themselves instead of looking elsewhere. That may be something that isn't easy for some people, but if you're strong and committed you can make that happen.

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Well said..

 

Question: I'm not sure how you found out about your ex's cheating, but if you didn't find out on your own, would you have wanted someone to tell you? I ask that because the spouse of the guy my exGF is cheating with doesn't seem to have a clue that he is cheating on her and her four kids...

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Also cheaters are so weak and coward that they usually don't take the time to heal or fix themselves. To learn what was wrong, what they did wrong, how can they not do it again. They never take the time to emotionally correct themselves. They just make some excuses inside their heads to easily move on.

 

This part is my ex.

 

To my knowledge, he only cheated per se once.

 

However, he's gone from relationship to relationship since the divorce pretty much non-stop, and quit counseling. He's only interested in fixing his issues if the fix is provided by someone else. He's not really interested in changing, and has the same reaction to difficult times (bullheadedness and being overbearing and not listening - panic) that leads to every breakup. Yet, he's invested nothing in making the change that would enable him to get off that stupid rollercoaster and stabilize.

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Well said..

 

Question: I'm not sure how you found out about your ex's cheating, but if you didn't find out on your own, would you have wanted someone to tell you? I ask that because the spouse of the guy my exGF is cheating with doesn't seem to have a clue that he is cheating on her and her four kids...

 

Before I answer this, I want state that I was a very different person back then....

 

When my ex husband was cheating on me (and this was before we were even married), I knew. I felt it. But I wouldn't admit it to myself or anyone else. And I didn't question him. After we got married, same thing. Only this time there were people who would let me know that he was up to no good. Either they made subtle hints or, as in one instance, I had the friend of one of the women my husband was involved with tell me not only about her friends' involvement with my then husband, but about another time when my husband made advances on her.

 

So, I guess it really didn't make any difference whether someone had told me about my husbands cheating or if I had figured it out on my own, my reaction was the same in either case, I stayed. Why? I can't really answer that, even to this day. Insecurity, maybe, low self esteem, possibly, a stubborn will to try and make my marriage work or determination to get my husband to chose me over all the others, I really don't know. What I do know is I stayed for over 20 years, against all odds, against all better judgement, and taking the chance that I could lose what little confidence and self love I had left for myself. I eventually came to my senses, of course. But, no matter how much time or how many years I gave to him I do not look at that time with regret. I am thankful, as idiotic as that may sound, because surviving that helped me become the person I am today. And that person I am very proud of and love very much. And today, I would never, ever, put up with nonsense like that from anyone. No one should.

 

So, as far as the woman whose husband is cheating with your ex, she probably knows. At the very least, she has her suspicions. Some women would rather stay with a cheating husband than to confront it and maybe risk being left alone or alone with four kids. A very sad situation indeed.

 

If, in a roundabout way you are trying to make a decision to somehow let this woman know what is going on, take care. Don't do it as a way of getting back at your ex, and remember, some people don't want to know. And considering you don't really know this woman, you might come accross as a psychotic, vengeful, ex lover.

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"Did you ever felt the urge or crossed your mind to cheat again?" Yes.

 

"Do you think that if the circumstances were provided you would cheat again?"

I would hope I wouldn't cheat again, but I can't say for sure that I wouldn't.

 

"When you cheated, you had self esteem issues/were unhappy?"

No, I was very young, very happy and getting a lot of attention from guys that I wasn't used to. And I reacted to it.

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Dear Kitkat620,

 

Thank you so much for your frank and honest response. You have come a long way and deserve a lot of credit. I think a lot of the change is due to you realizing your self worth and knowing you are better than that.

 

A couple things you mentioned hit home:

 

1. If I told the spouse, or people in charge where we work (A Christian institution of higher learning), I would probably come off as a jilted ex at worst. If the spouse kicked him out, it could result in my ex and the other guy moving in together and then what have I accomplished? To be completely honest, while I would want to know if I were in her shoes, that isn't why I'd be doing it. I'm still hurt and feel stupid that I didn't see the signs, so yes, there is a bit of revenge there. But if telling his spouse, would hurt his wife and kids, I don't think I could look myself in the mirror.

 

2. She may suspect it, though the ex and him have a pretty solid alibi. He's a campus cop (She is a professor) and works nights. This includes a lot of extra shifts. It's probably easy for him to simply tell his wife he has to pull an extra shift when he's really just hooking up with my exGF at her apartment and in her office (Possibly also in her car if the condoms I have found in the faculty lot are any indication.. It could be students, but who knows?). I started suspecting something that way and I later found out for sure... That really hurt.

 

3. In your post to Jonyyy, you said, "...very happy and getting a lot of attention from guys that I wasn't used to. And I reacted to it." That is my ex too.. That's pretty much how we started. She flirted and I responded, as do many of our male colleagues. I think she has a need for attention and seeks it out, maybe because of insecurities she may have. Do you agree?

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After I had posted I realized I didn't state that yes, I was a very insecure, awkward teenager and late bloomer, so when the drinking age changed in Illinois to 19 for a bit (waaaay back when, lol), I was going to bars and meeting lots of guys and loved the attention. I met a few guys and went on a couple of dates but when I met someone I really liked and wanted something more with, I decided to end it with my then boyfriend. It didn't work out with the other guy but by the time I realized what I had lost my ex wanted nothing to do with me and was involved with another (who he later got engaged to but broke up with before marrying). So, I guess I got what I deserved in the long run (what goes around comes around is very true).

 

When someone is insecure, needy, not used to attention from the opposite sex (but through some sort of positive physical change or a gain in confidence somehow, they start receiving attention they never had), I feel the chance that they will cheat is higher than someone who is secure with themselves and happy. Now that is my own personal opinion but one I will stick to.

 

But then again, some people just do not care that their actions may hurt another. Those are the selfish people and those are the ones with hardly any chance of changing. If someone does not care who gets hurt just as long as their needs are fulfilled and their needs always come first, why would they change? How could they change?

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I totally agree...

 

 

I know the ex turns the personality on more around guys than other women. She seems to thrive on the attention. I'm not sure why she does this, beyond the self-gratification. She is pretty, but not beautiful, so I think she's figured out that she must turn on the charm to attract guys who might otherwise overlook her. I don't think that's the case. In spite of her faults (Not the least of which is the galactic stupidity of risking her career for a married guy), she is an amazing person; strong, smart, funny, kind, etc.

 

Maybe, as you said, this need for attention makes her more prone to cheat. Maybe too, if that's the case, I dodged a bullet...

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I totally agree...

 

 

I know the ex turns the personality on more around guys than other women. She seems to thrive on the attention. I'm not sure why she does this, beyond the self-gratification. She is pretty, but not beautiful, so I think she's figured out that she must turn on the charm to attract guys who might otherwise overlook her. I don't think that's the case. In spite of her faults (Not the least of which is the galactic stupidity of risking her career for a married guy), she is an amazing person; strong, smart, funny, kind, etc.

 

Maybe, as you said, this need for attention makes her more prone to cheat. Maybe too, if that's the case, I dodged a bullet...

 

Well, not knowing her I can't really say what her reasons are. And I want to state now as I try to do to whomever I am offering my humble opinion to, my words are only based on what I have experienced and my reasons for doing what I have done and experienced. Not everyone is the same, of course. And there may be some logical explanations to why some people cheat, I really don't know.

 

As far as you most likely dodging a metaphorical bullet, that maybe true. So, consider yourself lucky that you're free from all of the drama that is most likely crowding her life.

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Well, not knowing her I can't really say what her reasons are. And I want to state now as I try to do to whomever I am offering my humble opinion to, my words are only based on what I have experienced and my reasons for doing what I have done and experienced. Not everyone is the same, of course. And there may be some logical explanations to why some people cheat, I really don't know.

 

As far as you most likely dodging a metaphorical bullet, that maybe true. So, consider yourself lucky that you're free from all of the drama that is most likely crowding her life.

 

I think what you wrote is true for many people who cheat.

 

I do consider myself lucky...

 

I think she isn't a happy person deep down and that bothers me. We were friends for many years before anything happened and I'd like to think we're still friends, though the friendship is entirely one-sided. I don't know why that is. All I can think of is I remind her that what she is doing with the married guy goes against who she tries to be.

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I think she isn't a happy person deep down and that bothers me. We were friends for many years before anything happened and I'd like to think we're still friends, though the friendship is entirely one-sided. I don't know why that is. All I can think of is I remind her that what she is doing with the married guy goes against who she tries to be.

 

Do you honestly think you can be 'friends' with her when you obviously still have some feelings left for her? I really don't think that's possible and will only hurt or anger you. Especially when you begin to realize she really isn't the woman you remember her to be.

 

There could be many reasons why she isn't comfortable having you in her life right now. Maybe you make her feel her guilt. Maybe you are of a time she doesn't want to remember, or when she was a different person. Bottom line, she is a mistress to a married man. It doesn't matter that she had vowed to live a virtuous life before this affair started. What matters is this is who she is right now and being with a married man is a choice she has made.

 

Remember, the only person we can control are ourselves.

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There are relationships where cheaters work out, it's called open relationships and polys. in both cases, they have their freedom.

 

They have a different book of ethics than the monogamous do, it's the best way to look at it. They're not broken, they're just being made to fit a mold they never fit in the first place.

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A lot of times the cheaters have some kind of sexual abuse, especially if they are pathological cheaters. If they won't go through the healing process, a lot of times they are 're-enacting' the abuse the experienced growing up. It's not an excuse for them, but seen damaged people do that.

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