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About infatuation, honeymoon stage and turning points


Lucha

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Hi, so I am 25 years old and never ecperienced a relationship beyond 9 months. Actually, the 6th month mark seems to be a very important turning point. I was wondering how normal, healthy relationships evolve. How soon do you kiss/ have sex / live together, how long does the honeymoon stage lasts and what does a relationship look like beyond this point ? Are you supposed to have an everlasting passion for your partner? A strong sexual desire maybe? I really have no idea about this, Although in my surroundings I see happy couples be together for a long time (10 years and beyond) and I do not see a lot of passion, in fact I see most long term couples have become kind of best friends. What is needed to make a relationship work in the long term? Is it friendship, is it the sex, is it being exactly alike, is it compromising a lot, is it being happy with what you have,... Etc. Please tell me your opinions!

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Everything you mentioned -- friendship, sex, capatibility, compromising, love, need, attraction and many more -- all play a role in taking a relationship going past the "honeymoon stage". Probably the most important one is love. Love is for the person you are with is what is going to make you want to hold on to the relationship, fight for the relationship, compromising for the relationship, change for the better if necessary.

 

If you havent experienced it yet, you havent found the one person who you want to fight to keep.

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You don't see "passion" in public because it isn't part of a mature relationship.

In my experience... the honeymoon stage can last for months or up to 18 months. I have found that to be the first bump.

Some couples don't cohabite...maintain their own homes but are together 3-5 nights a week.

It depends on age, other commitments ( kids or elderly parent).

 

I have also found that the partnership can either stagnate or grow deeper with time. It depends on the dynamic of the couple...it takes time, energy and communication to keep a relationship alive and healthy. If one person checks out emotionally or physically and it is not addressed quickly...it will become accepted by both parties and it becomes the new normal.

 

However...if both are committed to the vitality and growth, it ages like a fine wine and develops complexities and nuances and, quite frankly...is the best thing in the universe!

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Everything you mentioned -- friendship, sex, capatibility, compromising, love, need, attraction and many more -- all play a role in keeping a relationship going past the "honeymoon stage". Probably the most important one is love. Love is for the person you are with is what is going to make you want to hold on to the relationship, fight for the relationship, compromising for the relationship, change for the better if necessary.

 

If you have experienced it yet, you havent found the one person who you want to fight to keep.

 

Unfortunately I have, only my significant other didn't feel the same.

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Do you feel like if you move too fast in the RS that that lowers the possibilty of it to become long term? I mean like sex, moving in together, getting married, ..

 

No, Ive always followed certain rules when it came to relationships. They arent necessary but because to respect myself and feel respected the rules needed to followed.

 

Everyone has their own views. I know plenty of relationships that they started as one night stands and now theyre married, happier then ever, together for 8 years and 3 kids. I know other relationships that waited on the sex part and ended a few months later.

 

From my own personal experience - its different for every situation. What might be right for you, isnt necessarily right for someone else.

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I don't think it can be quantified by any hard set of rules, but shared values and good, open communication where you both admire each other and want the best for each other gives a relationship a much better chance of going on long-term. Although I'll be the first to admit that one of my longest relationships, well if you don't count the time apart and just the time we were in each others lives, was also the most toxic. Was it long-term, yeah six years and it'd still be going on if I hadn't ended things for good. So long-term even isn't enough, it has to be an emotionally healthy happy relationship a majority of the time with both of you able to handle the bad times without the relationship imploding for it to really be a permanent good one.

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Is it me or were things far more easier 60 years ago? I mean, my grandmother met my grandfather, they got married and had kids and lived happily ever after. Because back in THOSE days, one could not cheat that easily. Picture this: having to jump on your bike in midst winter, ploughing your way through snow to visit your secret love affair in a nearby village. Aside from all the effort you have to put into that, people would see you and things would not remain secret that long.

 

In this f*cked up society however, one can cheat within two clicks on the computer or cellphone. Or check out your 'other possibilities'. I find it EXTREMELY sad.

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Is it me or were things far more easier 60 years ago? I mean, my grandmother met my grandfather, they got married and had kids and lived happily ever after. Because back in THOSE days, one could not cheat that easily. Picture this: having to jump on your bike in midst winter, ploughing your way through snow to visit your secret love affair in a nearby village. Aside from all the effort you have to put into that, people would see you and things would not remain secret that long.

 

In this f*cked up society however, one can cheat within two clicks on the computer or cellphone. Or check out your 'other possibilities'. I find it EXTREMELY sad.

 

meh, cheating has been around forever. people have found ways to sneak around, ALWAYS. In some ways, it can be harder to cheat now, because of electronic trails, emails, and cell phones. If your honey isn't home on time now, you can call him/her to see what's going on. Back then, they could have just said anything - had to work late, had to help a coworker with something, whatever.

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For me, I find it takes around six weeks to three months to know whether I've got a relationship at all - most fall before this hurdle - and two years to know whether it's going to last. It's been my experience that after the two year mark, they can carry on indefinitely.

 

Mine have usually ended because of a dramatic change in lifestyle (on my part) which has completely changed the dynamics of the relationship; it would have taken someone with a lot more flexibility than any of my partners to cope with it. Another factor which hasn't helped the longevity of my relationships is the fact that I've been in and out of therapy for most of my adult life, as issues have cropped up for me, and unfortunately therapy can break up all sorts of unwritten, unconscious 'contracts' between people.

 

Or, as one of my ex-partners put it: "If we fall in love with people because we've missed out on the same developmental stage, if one partner has a substitute experience, does the other one fall out of love with them?" I responded that it depends on the flexibility of the other person.

 

This was quite an interesting experience, because I was conscious that my self esteem was growing, my boundaries were strengthening and I wasn't getting pulled into petty arguments and stupid games which had characterised the earlier part of our relationship. HE was actually feeling more and more uncomfortable.

 

Therapy speeds up a maturation process which happens more subtly for many people, I think, which is why wisdom is something which comes with age. However, in a couple (even if neither is involved in therapy), growth is going to happen at different rates - and all couples who have been together for 50+ years report that there have been times when they were bored/irritated with/hated their partners - but experience had taught them that this was part of a cycle, and that they would find love again.

 

This website has some brilliant insights into relationships: link removed

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Is it me or were things far more easier 60 years ago? I mean, my grandmother met my grandfather, they got married and had kids and lived happily ever after. Because back in THOSE days, one could not cheat that easily. Picture this: having to jump on your bike in midst winter, ploughing your way through snow to visit your secret love affair in a nearby village. Aside from all the effort you have to put into that, people would see you and things would not remain secret that long.

 

In this f*cked up society however, one can cheat within two clicks on the computer or cellphone. Or check out your 'other possibilities'. I find it EXTREMELY sad.

 

Possibilities were fewer back then but then this also produced problems. People would remain married and not leave because they didn't have much of a choice. One thing that has changed is that both women and men advertise a lot more. Clothing has changed and everyone, whether they're married or not are showing off how attractive they are. It's more difficult to think your woman/man is the best when everyone else is willing to show that they may be better. So even if you stay with what you have, you now have to deal more with what you missed. The other thing that's different is that people aren't saving themselves for marriage as much. So back then that first love/first time was special and by then you were married. And it was hard to leave that relationship because people never had the experience of leaving one and their families supported them. But now, people have broken up several times, they carry baggage to the next relationship and know how easy it is to break up and find someone else so if there's anything even slightly off they get suggested to break up. People don't stick with the person having a bad time because they're not as committed, or not married, or want to have fun. But breaking up causes their own value to go down because their number of exes just went up by one. And those exes may come back to interfere with a new relationship directly, or indirectly because people miss their exes and compare what they have now.

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Those milestones will vary for different people. While you are still in the infatuated/honeymoon stage you should be bonding and building the relationship. If not, you'll just wake up one day and feel indifferent and want to move on, once the thrill is gone. If after nine months you lose interest, and you're 25, it might just be lust. That's not a bad thing. Sooner or later someone will hold your attention longer. And all this stuff won't seem so complicated. Relax, enjoy your youth. There will be time for a soul sucking, loveless, sexless marriage later.

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Those milestones will vary for different people. While you are still in the infatuated/honeymoon stage you should be bonding and building the relationship. If not, you'll just wake up one day and feel indifferent and want to move on, once the thrill is gone. If after nine months you lose interest, and you're 25, it might just be lust. That's not a bad thing. Sooner or later someone will hold your attention longer. And all this stuff won't seem so complicated. Relax, enjoy your youth. There will be time for a soul sucking, loveless, sexless marriage later.

 

Actually, not me but my ex-bf broke it off after 9 months. It was the 6 month milestone that the first cracks began to show. She was having doubts. She is one of many who believes in forever butterflies and otherwise the RS is not right. Mind you she is 32. I have no idea whatsoever that caused her to have those doubts, as she never communicated them to me until it was too late. But her leaving me because of 'not feeling it anymore' led me to question what 'IT' is, what ae you supposed to feel after infatuation stage? I have started to question all my past relationships. I think what led me to lose feelings for people was a lot of fights and disagreements. Maybe one ex who I never really did love because I did not know back then what love was. Unfortunately now I do and it keeps haunting me!

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