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Finally found someone, but she lives 2,000 miles away. Now what?


nstack2

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I'm new to the whole LDR thing and it has been pretty difficult for me so far. I met my current girlfriend through a mobile game of all places and we were talking for months before we met up. Feelings were building before we met in person and definitely intensified once we were able to spend time together in person. We've now seen each other on two separate trips and as crazy as the whole thing sounds to some people, we really love each other. Otherwise, I never would have started the LDR. We're both mature adults and know what we want. The only problem, I live in Chicago and she lives in LA. We are attempting to see each other once a month, however I don't know if we will be able to financially afford to see each other that often as time goes by. I don't need to explain why a LDR relationship is so difficult on this forum.

 

There is a plan to be together, however I have no idea when that day will come. I'm willing to move, I'm willing to start over. I worry that the LDR part has a shelf life, that at some point, the distance will break us apart. I've been trying to look for LA area jobs without any bites, as find a job in another state is nearly impossible unless it is a high demand field. At some point, do I just take the risk and move anyway? I really don't know what I should do.

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No, do not take the risk --- LA is one of the hardest places to live ----extremely expensive and high unemployment.

 

Your "relationship" has no base at this point and will crash and burn with the move...without a job and a place to live. Too much weight on a fragile structure.

Your "relationship" will be close to impossible to maintain without a base.

Your RS will be hard to move forward with lack of funds to have regularly scheduled meet-ups.

 

I think you should call it a friendship and try to find someone geographically desireable. There have to be single women in Chicago.

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Which mobile game? I am curious.

 

Of all places in the world, LA sucks, and without a job LA sucks even more.

 

I'm not a big fan of LA (obviously) but I just associate it with traffic. It's a nice place if you're loaded but otherwise I'd be very very hesitant unless you have a job before you move.

 

Maybe she can move? But I feel you mate! I fell head over heels for a girl, and we have 8,000 miles apart...I am still in touch but have no plans to be together. It's just too tough, and leaving it as a fun vacation fling and having someone that knows me quite well living in a different continent. Hell who knows, maybe in a few years our paths may cross but I am not holding my breath!

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I met my husband while on vacation 8 years ago in the UK. I am from Canada and he lived just outside of Glasgow in Scotland.

 

I was introduced to him through a mutual friend (who I went to Uni with) and though nothing happened with him on that vacation, he emailed me when I got home and we kept in touch for an entire year through email/MSN. During that time we were testing the waters. We knew there was "something" there, but due to the distance and the fact that we had only been in each other's presence once, we were hesitant to do anything but flirt.

 

Eventually after a year of communicating as friends, he booked a ticket to come and visit me in Canada. We knew it would be a sort of "test" to see if the flirting we had been doing online would translate into a physical connection or not. Thankfully it did and by the end of the trip (10 days) we were making plans to be together permanently.

 

We dated long distance for another year. I visited him once and then at the end of the year, I was accepted into teacher's college in the UK. Since I could only afford the tuition and not the residence fees, I moved in with him.

 

We had only actually been in each other's presence for a total of 20 days, despite knowing each other for 2 years.

 

To most people (and even to myself as I type it) that sounds BEYOND crazy. To move in with a man who I had only been physical around for 20 days on another continent for a year was an incredible risk.

 

He could have turned out to be anything - abusive, a cheater....hell, we might have simply just broken up and I would have nowhere to go.

 

That wasn't what happened obviously and at the end of that year we were engaged with plans for him to move to Canada.

 

He ended up selling his house, his car and most of his possessions. He moved back in with his parents, gave up his job and moved her.

 

The VISA process was LONG and our first year of marriage was spent on separate continents for the first 10 months of it. Despite ALL of that, we are together now and happier than we have ever been.

 

We have been together for 7 years, and married for almost 5.

 

My point here is that it IS possible, but both parties have to be 100% committed, 100% trusting, and there NEEDS to be an end game in sight.

 

That first trip here was when my husband decided he would move to Canada. We decided I would go to Britain first to get my teaching degree and then he would come back here. We had a timeline and a plan set in place for it to happen.

 

You also have to make sure that BOTH parties are willing to make the same sacrifices, otherwise it won't work out. I promised my husband that if he moved here and hated it, that we would move back to Glasgow together - he just had to say the word.

 

He has gone through some EXTREMELY homesick periods where he just misses everything about Scotland and everytime he does go through that, I remind him that we can always leave. I would move back with him in a heartbeat if he needed me to. And it helps. That knowledge for him, is enough.

 

You say you are willing to move for her, but is she willing to move for you? If not, then I suggest re-thinking it, otherwise resentment will start to creep in.

 

Also you cannot be afraid of a little risk otherwise you will never make anything happen.

 

You are lucky in that you don't have customs or VISA issues to deal with so that should make things a bit easier.

 

It is possible to make it work, but it takes patience and a LOT of effort.

 

Good luck

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Which mobile game? I am curious.

 

Of all places in the world, LA sucks, and without a job LA sucks even more.

 

I'm not a big fan of LA (obviously) but I just associate it with traffic. It's a nice place if you're loaded but otherwise I'd be very very hesitant unless you have a job before you move.

 

Maybe she can move? But I feel you mate! I fell head over heels for a girl, and we have 8,000 miles apart...I am still in touch but have no plans to be together. It's just too tough, and leaving it as a fun vacation fling and having someone that knows me quite well living in a different continent. Hell who knows, maybe in a few years our paths may cross but I am not holding my breath!

 

I'm not even a fan of LA, but I also think I would grow to like it if I find a decent area and a job that won't require much of a commute. Picking up and moving without a job is always a risk, but I know LA is one of the worst places to try to do that. Maybe my rush to move is because of some insecurity that I have? I don't know. I don't expect to find anything there soon anyway. I do know a couple people in California that I could ask to stay with for a while, but even so, I'd need a job.

 

By the way we met playing Song Pop.

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Right now, I don't think she wants to move. She hasn't flat out said that, but has expressed that she'd prefer to stay. She moved to LA from Thailand over ten years ago without anything. She talks to me about how difficult it was and how at home she feels in LA. Basically she said she doesn't want to have to start over again from scratch, knowing no one but me. It's understandable, and I honestly have no problem moving. It's just tough without a job lined of first, hiring managers dismiss most out of state resumes right off the bat.

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Right now, I don't think she wants to move. She hasn't flat out said that, but has expressed that she'd prefer to stay. She moved to LA from Thailand over ten years ago without anything. She talks to me about how difficult it was and how at home she feels in LA. Basically she said she doesn't want to have to start over again from scratch, knowing no one but me. It's understandable, and I honestly have no problem moving. It's just tough without a job lined of first, hiring managers dismiss most out of state resumes right off the bat.

 

Here's the thing though - picking up and leaving everything you know behind is EXTREMELY difficult. The fact that she was able to do it once says to me she is capable of doing so again. Which means if she says she would not consider it at all, it definitely means the relationship means more to you than it does to her. I get the preference to stay (I expressed a preference to stay in Canada to my husband as well) but there needs to be a WILLINGNESS on the part of both to move (should it not work out and/or prove too difficult).

 

This is a conversation you NEED to have with her before you do ANYTHING. I am not saying you should demand that she move instead of you, but there needs to be some discussion of a back up plan.

 

You need to plan this out and set a timeline. Otherwise it won't work.

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Eventually in a LDR someone is going to have to move for it work long term. You have seen eachother a few times and when you do see one another you two are on your best behavior and have not shown who you really are. In a LDR everything is perfect because you dont have to deal with pet peeves but once you see one another every day then you can really see how people are. Does she clean up after herself? Is she good with money? Is she forgetful, who will control the remote on the TV, if you want to go out with friends can you do that? You said she is from Thailand... how will her family accept you? You know that if you take her you accept the whole family right? So many questions that in a LDR you dont have to deal with.

I dont know if you should take the chance or not. I can say yes do it or no. LA has something to offer for everyone but it is a tough city to live in. Its huge, traffic sucks and if you are going to pay for dinners for two each meal can be $30 easy. If you love her that much then do it and see. I am going to say that you are going to eat all the financial responsibilities. You will pay to move, find a place, place the down payment on rent, rent in LA is not cheap either. You will need money to live unemployed for at least 3 months and still have extra money for gas, insurance, food.. so add Rent: $1500/mo x 4 months, Food: $400 food/mo x 4 months. Gas: $100/mo x 4 Insurance: $200/mo x4 and that adds up to around $8k just to move for 3 months!! Not including Cell phone, internet, cable, moving expenses.

if she is worth it, more power to you....I hope you find happiness.

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I was in an LDR, he was in DC and I in LA. The only way it worked was that I ended up moving back to DC. Other posters are right…LA is not easy. It's fun as all heck when you're going out or on the beach but living everyday life there is not as glamorous as one would think. INSANE traffic, very high prices (for a 2 bd that was mildly decent my roommate and I paid nearly $2,000/month. Without utilities included.

 

We made it work for nine or so months because I visited home often and he came to see me a couple of times. In addition we skyped literally every night and talked constantly via text or phone during the day.

 

You have to both be dedicated. Like, 150% dedicated. It's not easy. You want to touch the person and cuddle. It is a huge commitment but if you really love the person you will find a way to make it work. Good luck. Be prepared for total commitment!

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Yeah, I live in LA. For 7 years, that is. I'm so not into it. Entertaining thoughts of moving back to the bay or maybe the east coast to DC, NY, or even Maryland.

 

Living here is expensive. There are ways to make it cheap. I found a place that costs 800 a month, and it's like a small cottage with a garage, it's cool. Cheap things are out there, but you kinda have to be here to find that, cruise around in different neighborhoods for rentals and such.

 

I do wish you luck because gosh darn it, why not if it's about love. However, I agree with the other poster... She doesn't seem willing to move. A preference is okay, but she has to be willing in case it just can't happen.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Well...I will give you my advice.Talk to her and see if she is ok for you to move where she is at,but have a back plan in mind,such as money for three months rent,food,cell phone,gas,expenses just in case you don't find a job right away... do know the feelling because this is what im going through right now and I have been going through on a previous relationship.I have moved ,yes to be with someone I thought I will be with,it is a nice place,and fortunately I was looking for to move to this state while back.Guess what ,I treid to save my LDR by moving closer,only to know two month down on the road ,he is moving back home 2000 miles away,and did not tell me that before I have moved....I saved some money and thank God found a job,i m still there 7 month after this happened....started to talk to someone else and get to know and was so happy that I found someone fairly closer,couple hours away...and guess what ? He is moving too,2000 miles away.Did not think in am illion years that the history will happen again ....If I would do it again and move for love ? Yes,i will move for for love,but I would pay attention to the red flags and determine if the person I chose is worth my love and sacrifice.I would make sure there is no resistance from her,or dissaperances,excuses.....If you your heart tells you that this is the women for you and you can realistically could survive without her help just in case....then plan and do it.Oh,well ,other people may think different.

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