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I don't know what I like anymore


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Oh man my head is confused.

 

I started a stand up comedy course last night that was actually quite terrifying at one moment (the moment where I'm supposed to be funny) and my homework is to make a list of 10 things I love and 10 I hate...and it's really quite hard for some reason.

 

I don't seem to be able to think of many things. After being with a controlling, manipulative guy for a year it's really hard to be myself or know who that even is.

 

I think this course must be good for me if it's making me think about this stuff but it's mentally quite draining just trying to think of these things I like or hate.

 

Is that crazy? I think it's a little crazy.

 

I also just don't seem to have the confidence in whether something I do is funny or not. I am always being overly critical and analytical (another gift from my ex) and thinking I am no good.

 

How do I get rid of this feeling?!

 

I guess you don't know for 100% how you feel about most stuff, you just make a choice and hope for the best. I find it so hard especially to think of things i love. I know this is because of my ex and how he told me everything I liked was stupid or obnoxious. It's really affected me

 

I can't own a statement saying I love something. I get scared it's stupid or that I don't really like it, I'm not sure of myself enough to say it.

 

I may be over thinking and that is the problem but it's just been bugging me all day.

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It's not because of your ex -certainly not all because. It's your choice to continue to react to your life by blaming negative stuff on your ex. Maybe make a different choice? You can make choices about how to react to things that happen. You can make choices to work on your self-confidence and refuse to indulge in the "my low self-esteem is because of my ex". That's not productive.

 

I wouldn't worry about the comedy course. Start simple. I like high thread count sheets, dark chocolate and the feeling I get when I'm done with my work out for the day. What about you?

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I actually don't really like chocolate. It makes me feel a bit sick.

 

Well I used to know what I liked before him, I am certain he has made that lower confidence part of me a lot lot worse for sure. I see what you're saying though and I do take it on board.

 

High thread count sheets?! What's that?

 

I've managed to get a few things i like down: acting, seafood, catfish the tv show, drag acts.

 

It's hard for anyone to write a list of ten things though I think now. I mean I could put more foods down but I need a bit more variety than just a food list I think!

 

I just have this thing in my head that is used to recieving a bad stare or bad treatment when I say I like something indepedantly from my ex and I think it will take a while for that to go. I know it is myself doing it now so I am in control but try telling my brain that! I'll just keep at it. Thanks I will not put so much pressure on myself.

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I think of full moons...a beautiful blue sky....a gorgeous pink and purple sunset....waves crashing on shore....a speedboat. Oh, i can get carried away...thinking of water...then boats...then sand....then my dog...then....

 

I can think of all kinds of things i LOVE...the HATE part is way harder for me...

 

Don't 'think' about it so hard. When you're doing something....and something 'great' pops into your head...write it down.

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Good for you on the comedy course. I think that's great, and fear is part of that, so don't let that get to you. If you are used to shutting yourself off from your feelings, I can understand your quandary. Can you start at a different spot, such as 10 things that aren't right in the world or that you'd like to see changed (instead of things that you "hate") and 10 things that are nice to have, like clean sheets, a nice pillow, clean windows, a car that starts or a seat on the bus, a breath of fresh air, a smile from a friend (instead of things that you "love"). Think of books you liked as a child, or movies you hated, or teachers or classes or having to make these lists! Or being controlled and manipulated and the opposite.

 

or start by singing (and dancing)...raindrops on roses, and whiskers on kittens, bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens....

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I think it has more to do with the pressure of trying to do something on command than with the fact you do or don't have ten things to like. Sometimes it's easier to come at something sort of sideways, so maybe relax and grab your favorite beverage and sit someplace quiet. Remember things that made you laugh or cry, and yes mean boyfriends too, and just write down whatever pops into your head regardless of what that little imp of satan called your editor or consciousness or whatever that little voice is that criticizes you says.

 

You'll have a list and if it's not ten things it'll be soon enough. And you could always start off with one of my hates: lists. Seriously, I have purchased enough post-its to start my own Office Depot just because I keep telling myself I should make a list... See what I mean? Try that and don't worry that it's because of anything that's wrong with you. And having an abusive ex just means you had a problem in that one area or that your self-esteem is shot, not that the person you are is lost forever. It takes practice sometimes to get the mind to come up with these things and I've found the best thing to do is try to relax and just start somewhere and try to keep that little inner voice quiet while you do.

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I think i understand your dilema a bit, i tend to still have days were i not only feel i dont care about anything but i CANT care no mater how hard i try those waves come over me sometimes... what has helped me a lot is when i enjoy something or something funny happens in my day i write it down in a notebook. Now when those feelings start to loom over me i look back at this list of things that were fun/good and it really helps revitalize me.

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Thanks guys all your advice has helped

 

I don't know that I want to talk about my ex as part of a stand up act. I think it's too emotional a thing to use on stage for me. I'm happy to say "my ex was a ****" or something but getting into the whole abuse stuff seems a little too personal for a stand up act!

 

Things that I like to have etc really helps. I will think of it in that way.

 

The only thing i know that I definitely love is catfish the tv show. Isn't that the weirdest thing ever? I am more passionate about this tv show than anything else? I think it's because saying I love something real or in my actual life is more honest and I'm a bit vulnerable about being honest about stuff like that at the moment.

 

Yeah I also think you're right about it being hard for anyone to do on command. This whole course seems to be very difficult to me, mainly because I am amazingly over analytical. I hope the course helps me stop with that!

 

Yeah it is a damn good distraction to have something to work on that you really need to work on. I've needed this so bad.

 

I went out last night and another guy I met at the singles night came along which was nice, but I also ended up sat with him and this other guy who was playing and I sort of like the guy who was playing actually. He's not classic good looking at all, he's not very tall or attractive but there's something about him that was intriguing. He's probably another psycho...I'm not sure, but he had an intense stare, seemed shy, creative and very focused on me sometimes. This does seem to fit in with my past exes so that's slightly worrying but I did really like his songs so that also explains why I feel this way. I am aware I go for the difficult or intense types now.

 

Why why why do I have this damned attraction to these damned men....argh.....

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Own whatever it is that is a part of you.

 

You're over-thinking this.

 

You are going to do a stand up act. You're supposed to be silly!

 

Whatever you like/love/crave - own it. Who cares if other people think it's silly? It's your love, not theirs.

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