what makes some people afraid of confrontation?

[mhowe]

No...disagree.

As ple3sehelp posted....the topic has to be deemed important by both parties.

Your "basic need" to speak was not met by his "need" to engage in a discussion.

[randy33]

Read Al Turtle's writings on Clingers, and how their instinctive actions are actually counterproductive with Avoiders.

 

I think you missed the point Journey.. I hear what your saying..but I am not/ was not, clingy by nature. My willingness to stay with this person despite their conflict phobia, perpetuated a lack of self esteem in me..which in turn created clingy behavior.. but that's a self esteem issue that I have since dealt with ( for the most part ) ....I was never clingy until his stonewalling, and lack of conflict resolution skills were made apparent..what Im focusing on is the unwillingness to deal with conflict..soft or severe..it wasn't there. Not because I was this soppy teary eyed emotional ball ( I wasn't )..but because he was incapable.

[randy33]

No...disagree.

As ple3sehelp posted....the topic has to be deemed important by both parties.

Your "basic need" to speak was not met by his "need" to engage in a discussion.

 

fair enough. but I think we are splitting hairs here. yes, it would have to be deemed important by both parties. but if something is important to me, and worthy of a conversation.. Ideally, I would appreciate a reciprocation of communication as that is how I treat my partners when they have an issue they feel is worthy of a conversation.

 

My partner would not engage as others I have since been with, have. just being there. Just being present, and mindful..without a clock counting down..or an expectation..just a simple willingness to hear and be heard. to me that is basic in any relationship..I just wanted to know why some people could not handle this.

[pl3asehelp]

fair enough. but I think we are splitting hairs here. yes, it would have to be deemed important by both parties. but if something is important to me, and worthy of a conversation.. Ideally, I would appreciate a reciprocation of communication as that is how I treat my partners when they have an issue they feel is worthy of a conversation.

 

My partner would not engage as others I have since been with, have. just being there. Just being present, and mindful..without a clock counting down..or an expectation..just a simple willingness to hear and be heard. to me that is basic in any relationship..I just wanted to know why some people could not handle this.

 

I think that's a tall order personally, so good luck. Just remember it certainly doesn't have to be rooted in being afraid of a conflict.

[randy33]

I think that's a tall order personally, so good luck. Just remember it certainly doesn't have to be rooted in being afraid of a conflict.

 

I respectfully disagree.. would you be happy in a relationship where your partner was unwilling to listen to something you found important to you. I doubt it.

[mhowe]

Randy...I think you and your partner were basically incompatible.

[randy33]

or how bout this..If your partner expects you to listen to him about his issues..would it not be fair to assume that they would be doing the same for you. otherwise this is a double standard..which is what I initially wrote about when I created this thread.

[mhowe]

No...you asked why people might be afraid of confrontation.

That is vastly different from being unwilling to listen to you.

 

Because generally, conversations are not confrontational.

[randy33]

Randy...I think you and your partner were basically incompatible.

 

I agree, of course we were incompatable. you missed the point. I have stated we are incompatable MHOWE. That is old news..The thing I was asking was why some people cannot handle conflict..which this thread seems to have skewed off that topic..it is now eluding to the fact that we were just different..( obviously )

BUT it was because he was incapable of handling any sort of conflict in the relationship!

[randy33]

No...you asked why people might be afraid of confrontation.

That is vastly different from being unwilling to listen to you.

 

Because generally, conversations are not confrontational.

 

well when I refer to confrontation..I meant, a willingness to listen and be heard..non violent, non aggressive communication. a willingness to confront the issues and mutally hear one another, based on respect, and value for the other persons feelings. Is that not the definition of confrontation?..I didn't mean throwing plates accross the room

[journeynow]

if something is important to me, and worthy of a conversation.. Ideally, I would appreciate a reciprocation of communication as that is how I treat my partners when they have an issue they feel is worthy of a conversation.

 

I understand this point of view, because it is part of my nature, BUT, after years married, I was explained that it works the other way, too. He didn't say it that way, but however he put it (I can't remember), but when I have an issue that is not his issue, and insist on bringing it up and "working" through it "together", I am expecting him to make it his issue, too. Some of that is important for a relationship with "me", but if he can be happy in life AND loving AND no one is getting hurt, bills are paid, etc., does it have to be an issue? Maybe he's not doing an equal amount of cleaning, or not cleaning on my schedule, or doesn't handle money like I would, or dress the kids "right", or maybe it's more serious stuff, but sometimes we handle particular issues independently and build relationship and compatibility on more essential stuff. OR we decide that we are not the right mix, and move on apart.

[mhowe]

Since you described yourself as turning into a "heat seeking missile", and based on your unwillingness to hear what posters are saying, I do agree that you believe that conversations and confrontations are synonymous.

 

They are not.

[journeynow]

I agree, of course we were incompatable. you missed the point. I have stated we are incompatable MHOWE. That is old news..The thing I was asking was why some people cannot handle conflict..which this thread seems to have skewed off that topic..it is now eluding to the fact that we were just different..( obviously )

BUT it was because he was incapable of handling any sort of conflict in the relationship!

 

It may be he was incapable of handling any sort of conflict in a relationship with you. Your two styles did not work together. That's the point about being incompatible. He may be able to handle different situations that you would deem conflict or confrontation. Not all people approach differences that way.

[randy33]

I hear ya... that sounds like stuff that could be non issue..I see your point..how it might be a non issue for them..so that's that.. My ex would have a conniption if he felt insecure or jealous..and Id spend hours coddling him..but if I had a fear or insecurity..i was expected to shut up and deal with it..which is basically when he would walk away or shut off..

 

but im slowly starting to accept this selfish way of being..putting my self first, without the same regard for others. safer here.

[randy33]

It may be he was incapable of handling any sort of conflict in a relationship with you. Your two styles did not work together. That's the point about being incompatible. He may be able to handle different situations that you would deem conflict or confrontation. Not all people approach differences that way.

 

ok I see some people have different styles. I guess mine was not comnpatable with his..I just thought his was rude and insensitive.

[pl3asehelp]

I respectfully disagree.. would you be happy in a relationship where your partner was unwilling to listen to something you found important to you. I doubt it.

 

Heck, I'm married. His happens to me daily. I don't expect my wife to be there for whatever I deem important. If I tell her I need her and she can't be there, we talk about it. I may or may not be satisfied with the result, but life goes on. I rarely get my way and rarely expect to. Them's the breaks. I pick my battles and not very often.

[randy33]

Since you described yourself as turning into a "heat seeking missile", and based on your unwillingness to hear what posters are saying, I do agree that you believe that conversations and confrontations are synonymous.

 

They are not.

 

I said " heat seeking missile" referring to the fact that I was so frustrated toward the end of our relationship, I had given up on him, that I just bottled up so long..that I just let him have it..but in general, was not this way.

 

Im willing to hear what posters are saying MHOWE. I have been open and agreeable for some parts, and where I disagree, I have been respectful.. so please don't assume I cant tell the difference between those things or that I am a loose cannon on this thread. I am speaking of a scenario that I know much more about on here as It was personal to me. Others interpretations are their own experiences, some relevant to mine, and some not. If you want to disagree with me that's your prerogative.

[journeynow]

im slowly starting to accept this selfish way of being..putting my self first, without the same regard for others. safer here.

 

If I'm reading that right, that is not it. I'm sorry about your relationship, though. I can see it would have been frustrating.

 

(I just reread the above, and didn't mean it to sound snarky. I would probably have been frustrated, too.)

[randy33]

If I'm reading that right, that is not it. I'm sorry about your relationship, though. I can see it would have been frustrating.

 

yeah its a pisser..but it helped me fine tune my boundaries..I will never be involved with someone who lacks this capacity..helped me realize that I was not deserving of that type of treatment..onwards and upwards

[randy33]

Since you described yourself as turning into a "heat seeking missile", and based on your unwillingness to hear what posters are saying, I do agree that you believe that conversations and confrontations are synonymous.

 

They are not.

 

Judging by this response Id say your probably on the "minimizer" "avoidance " end of the spectrum. read carefully MHOWE, without judgement. cheers.

[randy33]

Heck, I'm married. His happens to me daily. I don't expect my wife to be there for whatever I deem important. If I tell her I need her and she can't be there, we talk about it. I may or may not be satisfied with the result, but life goes on. I rarely get my way and rarely expect to. Them's the breaks. I pick my battles and not very often.

 

I understand..choose your battles..are you happy?

[mhowe]

I was dating a man for 8 years who was avoidant.

My father was avoidant.

My current bf was...but is no longer avoidant.

 

I do not minimize nor try to change them to my style of conflict resolution. In fact...there are very few conflicts in my relationships.

 

I am not judging you Randy...I am sharing tools to deal with avoidant personalities.

Which I am no longer sure your bf was...you were just not a good match.

[pl3asehelp]

I understand..choose your battles..are you happy?

 

Sometimes I'm happy, but I expect that to be a fleeting and temporary emotion and appreciate it as that. I'm a non practicing Buddhist and the first noble truth of Buddhism is that all life is suffering. If one was to be happy all the time it wouldn't be special and would lose it's value. I also do no depend on other people for my state of contentment.

[itsallgrand]

I think there is difference between someone who just doesn't respond to all your needs concerns, do what you want, all the time and quick enough (that is part of life and it's unrealistic to think someone will always respond how you want)

 

and someone who simply can not and will not ever face conflicts. Who goes out of their way to deny them at great costs.

 

Someone who consistently goes out of their way a lot of the time to avoid conflict won't tell you directly how they feel 9 times out of 10. Usually, they use passive aggressive tactics to avoid acknowledging what is going on right in front of their faces. They generally have difficulty communicating and being intimate.

 

This is my experience.

 

I also think if you are a sensitive sort who recognizes you need extra attention and validation from people; there is the two prongs to deal with that. Not getting over involved with avoidants is one. The other part is putting in the work to your self so you get to a point where you can see that your self worth is never on the line - even if it has felt like that in your past. People are individuals and sometimes there is a pretty wide divide in how two people are feeling or are focusing on at the same time.

 

So I think you should, look for a nice guy who will be sensitive to your feelings,

and,

work hard to put into yourself a lot so you can keep a healthy sense of need and perspective when with someone.

 

"heat seeking missle" sounds to me when you've put so much into trying to be seen and understood by that other guy who it seems refuses to acknowledge and see and validate you, that you forget to do it for yourself. It's easy enough to get sucked into that - but never again, right randy?!

[Capricorn3]

Im a talker. Im very expressive.

I have a friend who is very expressive and a talker. Nice girl, but over the years, many many people, acquaintances, friends, her family etc have all said, at one time or another, that they find her exhausting.

 

Your boyfriend wasn't a great expressive talker, and it is very possible that sometimes he just found you to be too exhausting, which in turn made him stonewall you. Then you go even further and do the "heat seeking missile" thing and it was just too much (too exhausting) to listen to someone go "on and on and on" (in HIS mind), so he avoided a confrontation. It gets overbearing/overwhelming. I don't think it was a case of him being "terrified of confrontation", but more a case of him choosing his battles, which is usually a very good thing to do in any relationship (imo).