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Is this passive aggressive behavior?


Trammel

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This is not a huge deal, but I forgot me and my girlfriend's anniversary (today, of the day we got together after knowing each other for a while) - because I have no memory, but also because we had valentine's day and then her birthday was Monday (where I took all morning off to spend with her and we had some real quality time together and I got her presents that she likes... And I worked and looked after the kids all weekend because she went away by herself to see some friends, I was very happy that she got a chance to get away because she's always really busy and deserves time to herself). Since Monday afternoon I've been working like crazy and I didn't even know the date today, so I forgot.

anyway, the forgetting is totally my fault. I am just wondering, we went to the gym together this morning and she didn't say happy anniversary or anything. She waited until she left for work (she works part-time and I work from home) and sends me a text "well, anyway... happy anniversary!". so I finally figured out it was our anniversary.

 

She is generally a much calmer, more centred person than I am, I am not criticizing her personality or anything. It just struck me because she's done this a few times in the past, won't say anything about something when we're together, I guess expecting me to remember it or mention it, and then will text me when we're not with each other to complain...

 

Is this passive aggressive? Because generally she's not what I would consider a "passive aggressive" type person. I think I am much more prone to being passive aggressive - or I'll bottle something up and then explode in the wrong way.

I'm not going to confront her or anything about this, because obviously she has the right to be annoyed that I forgot our anniversary. I just wanted to understand the behavior a bit better.

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It is passive aggressive.

It is annoyed, disappointed and hurt.

And you would think that since her birthday, Valentines day and your anniversary are all at the same time relatively.... it.would be hard to forget.

 

It is quite possible that YOUR behavior of."forgetting" was passive aggressive because you felt you had done enough. Hmmmmm?

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How long have you been together? And its your actual anniversary or the anniversary of some other date (the day you met?). How many anniversaries do you celebrate?

Her behavior is passive aggressive but I'm wondering how long you've been together, how many "anniversaries" you've celebrated and how often she leaves her kids with you to go away for the weekend. Is she also 26? How many kids does she have?

At first glance she seems a little demanding to me but more information would be helpful.

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no, 26 is my number of posts. I'm 40 and she's 45, and we've been together 15 years...

I'm not trying to find excuses for me, it's just that I'm used to always being the one who is nervous, anxious, aggressive, etc. that it surprises me when she does it (which she has every right to, of course).

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I think she expects too much. You did plenty, and it's only an anniversary of when you got together, which isn't an 'anniversary' most people celebrate. I can't see the point of forcing someone to celebrate, anyway. If they do remember, that's nice, but if they genuinely forget it's not a big deal. I think it's more of a girls' thing and guys mainly do it to keep them happy. I don't believe in demanding things of someone you love. Demanding is not very loving. I would prefer someone do something nice for me because they wanted to, not because I'd be angry if they didn't. I'll never understand that demanding attitude.

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Oh, sorry about that....I do think its passive aggressive and I think you did a lot of celebrating in a short amount of time and after 15 years often times people don't celebrate the day they met anymore. Also, why wouldn't she be the one to plan something and surprise you? You did V-Day and her Bday...why wouldn't she take the reigns on the anniversary instead of making it your responsibility? I'd talk to her about it and let her know that you feel like its a little unfair for all the celebration plans to fall on you when you've been more than generous and thoughtful on other occasions.

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I've reread your post several times, and as far as I can see... she didn't actually complain, she sent you a text saying "Well anyway... happy anniversary!" She may not have remembered herself when you were together, it may not necessarily have been a guilt trip. What's to prevent you replying with "Well remembered... happy anniversary!"

 

If she's a calm, centred person this seems more probable. If you tend towards passive aggression yourself you are likely projecting your own motivations onto her, and they may well not actually be there. At any rate, 'confronting' her would be really counter-productive.

 

If she IS game-playing, trying to make you feel guilty, all the rest, responding with a cheery "Happy anniversary" will let her know it hasn't worked; if she isn't, which seems more likely, then you're responding appropriately. 'Confronting' her would be really weird. She may not even be annoyed about it, especially as you've done so much recently!

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Thanks, well, I am totally aware that I can also be projecting. It's just that it helps me not to get angry to know that she may be acting a little bit passive aggressive and therefore not "perfect". I mean, she doesn't act like she's perfect, not at all, I just tend to jump to the conclusion that I'm always in the wrong. Knowing that she can be in the wrong too, or too demanding, makes it easier for me to not get annoyed and to not overreact, I think.

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There's nothing in that text to suggest either that she thinks you're in the wrong, or that she's being demanding! At least, from an outside point of view. It just sounds like her wishing you a happy anniversary!

 

And looking for some kind of injustice from her so that it will help you 'not to get angry' - really, that doesn't sound either healthy or helpful! For either of you! It sounds as though you're over-anxious to please, are afraid you've screwed up (when you haven't) and are looking to ease your (undeserved) guilt by looking for non-existent bad behaviours from her!

 

Wouldn't it just be easier to wish her a happy anniversary, and have done with it?

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I don't think it's COMPLETELY passive aggressive.

I think she knows that although you messed up it wasn't that big of a mistake.

An anniversary, Valentine's Day AND birthday?

I know she can't help where the dates fall, but if she didn't help you out (even with just a reminder) for THREE dates I say the fault is partially hers, lol.

HIGH MAINTENENACE!

We all wish our men would just *get* what we want on special occassions, but that rarely happens, lol.

I think she's reminding you, but not trying to make a hige issue of it... She's hurt.

It's easily fixed.

Surprise her with something & tell her that next year you'll plan better... Maybe 1 BIG day instead of 3.

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I think the problem is you both need to sit down and talk things out and start by wishing her a happy anniversary. Not everyone is good with dates, myself included, and this is where setting up your smart phone or other device to "remind" you can really help. This appears to be more about the two of you as a couple learning to communicate and deal with disappointments. I personally could care less about remember artificial anniversaries, but I also recognize that I am NOT the normal woman in that. I don't think she was angry or being passive-aggressive, disappointed and hurt yes. And then you feel guilty and it all just devolves from there. A simple, "Oh honey, I forgot with all the other holidays and work, I'm sorry. This is a special day, so make sure to put your best dress on tonight and let's go out and celebrate."

 

And then later when it's all calmer explain to her why you have as much trouble remembering this holiday as you do. Talk it out and work out a solution that both of you are happy with. But yes, that's where those little calendar apps can save your butt big time. My family hasn't gotten mad at me once in the last year since I downloaded a good one and keep it up to date.

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Thanks, well, I am totally aware that I can also be projecting. It's just that it helps me not to get angry to know that she may be acting a little bit passive aggressive and therefore not "perfect". I mean, she doesn't act like she's perfect, not at all, I just tend to jump to the conclusion that I'm always in the wrong. Knowing that she can be in the wrong too, or too demanding, makes it easier for me to not get annoyed and to not overreact, I think.

 

I don't like this thread. I think you have a good woman who is calm and you have some level of guilt for causing drama at times. I think you are looking for a way for her not to be perfect because of your own personal issues. I don't want to label it passive aggressive because that makes it more than it is. She's your partner. Talk to her. Share your feelings. Hug it out.

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I didn't have time to read everyone's replies so sorry if I'm repeating anything.

 

This is kinda passive aggressive, she's hurt that you forgot a date that's obviously important to her. She might be more hurt though, by the fact that you didn't do anything to remind yourself of this date. Maybe she wrote it in a diary, or calendar, or set an alarm on her phone or something to make sure that she didn't forget. I have to do this because I have a bad memory sometimes. My DH has a worse memory but never thinks to write anything down. It drives me crazy. IMO, is doesn't matter what the 'anniversary' event is, if she wants to mark the first day you ate ice cream together, every year then let her, even if other stuff is happening at the same time. With today's technology, you don't need to forget a date.

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I don't think it was completely passive aggressive, just a tiny bit, My main problem, as some of you pointed out, is that I tend to overreact to everything.

In the end I wished her happy anniversary, didn't bring up anything unpleasant, and everything went okay.

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Honestly, I think that her text didn't really sound angry. Just wish her a happy anniversary back, and when you're in person ask if she is upset.

 

Also, an anniversary is about a couple, not just one person. Wouldn't she have brought it up sooner in conversation, as in, "what do you want to do for our anniversary this week?" Just expecting someone to remember seems odd to me, and hopefully that was not what she was expecting.

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If it is a text, I can't read the tone, so hard to say. But it doesn't sound enthusiastic about your anniversary, which is about the two of you. It's hard to say if she's disappointed or annoyed that you didn't bring it up first, but it's an equal opportunity expression, one of you is not more responsible to express it first than the other. Next year, if still together, can you simplify and agree to celebrate your anniversary on Valentine's Day?

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