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My Boyfriend told me some news from the past that shocked me. Please help!


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I have been seeing a guy for a little over 7 months now. We get along great, fell for each other fairly quickly and have the most intimate sex life. He has the most warm, kind and sweetest heart in a man I have seen and experienced yet.

 

At the start of the relationship, he had told me that he liked anal stimulation with a small dildo. We have never gone there, but I am fairly open to anything like that and accepted it, after all its not like he was sleeping with guys as I asked him if that's what he enjoyed and he said NO. I know many straight men like the whole prostate stimulation thing after all as it gives the best orgasms, so that didn't phase me one bit.

 

Anyway, we had a bit of an argument the other day about something small he had lied to me about and after we resolved it, I said to him "is there anything else you have not been 100% honest with me about. Please get it all out now so we can move forward". He said actually yes and I am not sure you are ready to hear this but here goes. I was not expecting what was coming!

 

He told me that in the past, he had fooled around with guys. I was like "Fooled around as in kick a football?" Boy was I wrong!

 

He had openly admitted that he had sexual intercourse with 2 of his mates over a period of 10 years from as young as 15. He said it was something that just happened a few times while they were drunk (one on one) experimenting and they got up the next day and never spoke a word of it. He said they never kissed, cuddled or slept in the same bed and he had no desire to, there was no emotional feelings attached, just pure penetration to each other and a couple of times he tried giving a head job. They were drunk, it was easy and it happened quickly.

 

My stomach fell to the floor. The way he talked about it was like it was just day to day behaviour of everyone. I tried to be as calm and understanding and compassionate as possible, but on the inside, I was filled with pure fear. I was literally shaking and he held my hand to calm me down. I guess, though I have never considered myself to be any kind of anti gay what so ever, I am traditional in the sense that I have never actually experienced a same sex act or relationship or known anybody close to me that has, so I am kind of unintentionally ignorant on this matter. It was just a very huge shock.

 

He told me that when he was younger that he questioned if he was gay because of it, but he actually preferred women, that this kind of sex was just there at the time. He said that he looks at guys and sees purely guys, not as someone he wants to sleep with or is sexually attracted to. But with women, he becomes highly aroused. He continued to assure me that he wanted to leave that part of his life behind him (the last time was 2 years ago) marry a women, have children, a family and live a normal life. But if he gets that itch, he wants to play with his dildo and all will be ok.

 

I asked him if he would ever do it again and his reply was "Not while I am with you because that is cheating". I said "so you would do it again?, putting me aside" and he replied "I don't know, maybe, if the situation arose but I would never go looking for it".

 

He feels that it is 100% straight behaviour, yet wants it hidden. He says he would lose a lot of family and friends if they found out. He refuses to be labelled bisexual and said he definitely does not want the stigma of being gay. He said he prefers to be seen as OPEN. That he want to be with a woman emotionally and physically number one but would be open to other sexual experiences.

 

I know he adores me and I adore him too, but my concern is that he "Get's that itch". It is something he has to have. Not everyday, but he says at least once per month.

 

I am comfortable with him using a dildo if that satisfies him and makes him happy, but I fear getting married with children down the track then for him to come to me and say, "I was confused, this isn't what I really wanted after all".

 

I am so grateful for his honesty. He told me that he loves me more than anything in the world and that I am the best thing that has ever happened to his life. He says sex with me is the best and the most intimate that he has ever felt and he is so glad that I am being so mature and open about the situation and seeing his past as the past. But on the inside, I still have fear and doubts. I mean it was not just a one off experimentation but something that happened repeatedly every few months or so over 10 years. He has sexual encounters mainly with girls throughout this time but did not have a relationship longer than 2 months before me.

 

I asked him if he is hiding his true sexual identity for the sake of not hurting others or the social stigma of it all. He said he is comfortable with his sexuality in the sense that he prefers girls, but is open to anything. At the same time, wants to keep the past a secret so it doesn't hurt others yes.

 

To be honest, I am not looking for answers such as "he's gay get on with your own life". This to me is not a positive answer that will resolve anything and is not true at all. I guess I am wondering if there is anyone out there who is or has been in this situation on either end that could give me some positive advice on how to handle such a situation? I don't want to see him disappear from my life. After all, he trusts me enough to tell all this to me for a reason right? Or am I being a fool to think this will work and get hurt later down the track? I also have a 5 year old daughter who is very attached to him and he adores her just as much.

 

Either way, I am wanting to approach this situation with love. Despite his sexual orientation/preferences, he is someone I dearly care for.

 

Thanks in advance for your advice and support. My head is a little clouded and confused so any positive thoughts would be fantastic

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He's allowed to choose what labels are put on him, and if he says he's straight and only has had relationships with women...

 

The question is do you trust him not to cheat on you? That's the base of it.

 

 

And asking if he'd do something that you don't like if he wasn't with you isn't fair. Everyone has things they'd do if they weren't with their partner. Everyone.

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And asking if he'd do something that you don't like if he wasn't with you isn't fair. Everyone has things they'd do if they weren't with their partner. Everyone.

 

I disagree. Sure, there are things I do that I don't do when I have a boyfriend...for example, I flirt more or I don't clean my house that often. But, sexually, I'm the same person, either I am with someone or not. I still like men and wouldn't sleep with a woman, for example.

 

In my opinion, this guy is bi and he doesn't want to admit it. If the OP can live with it or not, is another story. Personally, I wouldn't stay in this relationship, I would constantly worry what he's up to when he's out with a friend.

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I think it is pretty standard for young teens to sometimes experiment with a few encounters like this, and I wouldn't count them as respresentative of anything at all but curiosity. But what concerns me is that the last encounter was only 2 years ago, and a year before you started dating, not 10 years ago when he was a teen. It is also concerning that he admits he 'gets the itch' for a man once a month which is actually quite frequently considering he should be getting satisfied by your relationship with him and not feeling that itch so often if he really were satisfied by you.

 

So he may not be labeling it as such, but he is obviously bi at a minimum. The question is is he denying how important those encounters are to him in order to try to keep you around, or because he doesn't want the social identification/baggage of being labeled as gay? I know too many cases of women getting burned by bi-/gay guys who date them then later discover their 'true' orientation and dump the woman after a couple of kids, or want to continue to have a primary relationship with a women while seeing men on the side, which they feel entitled to do because they are bi.

 

I personally would not stay with a guy who is bi due to the risk there. But some people are fine with assuming that potential risk that he might one day decide he wants to go the other way. I wouldn't date a smoker or a drug addict or someone who was addicted to watching sports either... It is my personal preference in romantic partners to only get involved with people where I feel we have the same values, pursuits, etc. And there is always a risk if you are dating a bi person that they may be minimizing their attraction to people of the same sex because they want to live under the radar in society, or haven't really discovered themselves yet. I've had friends left in their 40s by husbands who claimed they were bi and mainly oriented to women, who only when they hit the confidence of middle age were able to acknowledge their true orientation and come out as gay and pursue male partners while dumping their wives.

 

So think about it long and hard as to whether you are willing to assume that risk or not. This is not something you can wish away, and if he thinks about it once a month, he's pretty enmeshed in it. And gay men want families and kids just like anyone else, and can 'play' at being a family for a while, have a couple kids with a woman, then leave and raise their children with a male partner after the divorce. Quite common. So give it a lot of thought and decide whether you believe he can and will stay faithful, stick around, and fight that urge to be with men, or whether that is a risk too high for you to take.

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I kinda agree with the fact that he is bi and afraid to admit it. Because he think being gay or bi is so humiliating, he will date women and marry and have kids. Just to avoid these looks he think he will get if he admits his sexuality.

 

BUT on the other hand its in his past, and it first happened with him when he was drunk in his 20s. I think most of us did something humiliating at that age. I used to kiss with my girlfriends when out, partying, just because it felt great and we were all single and drunk. But I never dated a girl, nor do I want that. For sure kissing your girlfriends is not the same as giving blow jobs to your guy friends, but you get my point. Some of us are just more adventurous, I guess.

 

I know he adores me and I adore him too, but my concern is that he "Get's that itch". If you are sure he loves you and you have a future ahead of you - get yourself a strap-on, and hope for the best.

 

If you don't - better part now, than live in fear that someday he will go for that itch. Ones a month is indeed quite often for a man who says he is straight.

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Missmarple - I'm bi and I wouldn't cheat on someone. I wasn't with someone I could choose to sleep with anyone I wanted. If I was with someone, I wouldn't sleep with anyone else. Being bi does not make you incapable of monogamy.

 

Definitely. Cheating has nothing to do with someone's sexual orientation in general. But this guy has been doing it repeatedly for years. I'm not sure if he can just forget about it because he's in a relationship. It's not the nature of the act (bi, gay, whatever)..it's the frequency that makes me think that it won't be that easy for him to give it up. It's like guys who visit prostitutes.very often they keep doing it, even when they're in a relationship.

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If we are going to label him as gay for sleeping with men, then we should label him straight for sleeping with women. Bisexuality doesn't seem to be taken as a serious sexuality for some reason, and I despise the stigma that bisexuals are "confused" or "in the closet". If he is having wonderful sex with you then his motives for sleeping with anyone in the past shouldn't be questioned.

 

The issue here is the "itch" he will get once a month. That is not a trademark of the bisexuals, but a trademark of a cheater. It's sticking to one person and then getting an "itch" to sleep with someone different every month.

 

Missmarple - I'm bi and I wouldn't cheat on someone. I wasn't with someone I could choose to sleep with anyone I wanted. If I was with someone, I wouldn't sleep with anyone else. Being bi does not make you incapable of monogamy.

 

I am also bisexual, agent and I'm not sure if it is because we are women, but it only seems that male bisexuals seem to be who people are wary about. If he enjoys sleeping with both men and women, it doesn't make him eligible to be a closet gay man. Nor does it mean he is a cheater.

The fact that this "itch" occurs every month may, however.

If he is simply wanting anal stimulation then that is achieved through using a toy. However, if he is wanting to have sex with other men it means he is not monogamously-minded and therefore not ready to be in a relationship.

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There are plenty of people in the world who are bi, which is what it sounds like your boyfriend is. In other words, he doesn't care so much about male or female, he cares about loving someone and being with them when he loves them. I'd say that's a pretty healthy thing. He's already told you he won't cheat on you regardless of someone else's sex. If he were gay it would have come out in other ways and he'd have a much harder time being intimate with you, so I don't think that's really the issue. And yes, I have been with men who enjoyed anal stimulation. It's simply one of the things they liked in bed and at least one of them was about as ungay as a man could possibly get. Actually I think I left him in part because of his constant bashing of others over ethnicity, religion and yes sexuality. Projection maybe or guilt, who knows? I didn't leave him, because of what he liked in bed though. I left him, because he was a jerk.

 

Unless your boyfriend isn't wanting to do anything else but anal sex and/or he's showing an active interest in men I think this is a bit of a nonissue. Plenty of guys and gals too, do experiment with the same sex when they're younger. Plenty more think they're straight and then fall for someone who isn't and find themselves in that scenario too. I know it's hard sometimes to handle the idea of a partner's sexuality when it differs from your own, but it's something you have to realize--people don't fit neatly into little square boxes. In between the extremes of only straight and only gay there is a huge gray expanse of people who fall into both camps to one degree or another.

 

Do I think he's going to leave you for another man? Not any more than the possibility of him leaving you for another woman would be. And I agree with him about not wanting to share his sexual history to family and friends, because it's none of their business to begin with. The bottom line is no one really needs or usually even wants to know what their kids do or did behind closed doors. So I don't think he's out of line there or that he's out of line for not wanting to label himself bi either. All too often those labels don't really fit the full circumstances of who we fall in love with or want to have sex with. I'm a straight woman, but I will own up to the fact I've had girl crushes and at times in my life yes I have entertained the idea of playing on the home team instead. Does that make me gay? No. Does that make me bi? No too, so yeah I like the label of open as well.

 

Your time is better spent focusing on the fact that if your boyfriend loves you, treats you right, isn't looking to cheat or trade you in for someone else then it's all good. Most of us after a certain age have a past and I think you should be more concerned with the man in front of you than his past sexual experiences. In short, I see no more reason for you to leave him or stop loving or to worry he's gay than if he'd told you he slept with only women. Learn to stop putting so much stock in what a partner did before they met you and just enjoy who they are and the relationship you have now. It's all any of us can do.

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I think you need to decide if this is acceptable to you in a relationship. Thank him for his honesty - and tell him you are quite frankly a little concerned not that he would cheat on you, but that you would be blocking him from his desire of men and that might pose an issue later. If he had other female relationships that lasted a few years each, I would be less concerned, but the fact that his other previous female relationships only lasted a month or two is a bit concerning. Did he end relationships with females to pursue males? Or was it the revelation of his prior behavior what ended it? You have a right to know 100%. I would not immediately dump him, nor would I commit to him right now.

 

 

I guess, though I have never considered myself to be any kind of anti gay what so ever,

 

When it comes to who we choose for our future husband or even a long term boyfriend, we have the right to be as picky and choosey as we want to be about their preferences, morals and sensibilities. There is no "equal opportunity" required. That is the person that will be closest to us and will know us best.

 

The 5-8 months time period is when we know someone well enough to really start to actually get to know them and weed them out or say "yeah, this is the guy i want to continue with"

 

I think its time to really find out his other goals in life also.

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I was in your same situation once. I moved from s small town from a small country to a huge city, everything was new and exciting for me... I met this guy and he was such a cool guy, we had so much fun together... But then one day he admitted to me that he had some experience with guy etc., I never went into detail and I didn't care that much. I thought it was cool that he was so open minded and I have always been open minded too and I was thinking that unless you try you can't know for sure.

 

Anyways, as months went by (we were a couple), I started to feel as I wasn't enough for him. He would always talk about strap on etc and I felt like the more we progressed the more he wanted only that and I didn't feel completely appreciated as a woman. As I said, I was being very open too and we did try a lot of things together but more and more I was getting the impression that I could never satisfy him completely, not as much as I could my ex boyfriends.

 

So I know I wouldn't go back there. I like if a guy is adventurous and has a free mind and willing to try things and doesn't have any prejudice, but not like it was with him.

 

Also, I have a few BI friends, but honestly, they are all more gay than hetero... so they would mostly go with guys unless a really hot girl comes along that also attracts them mentally.

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I'd be concerned. He is at least bisexual. The word has one definition and his behavior fits it. What I would be very concerned about is why he denies this. That he feels compelled to and does deny reality hints to much larger issues in my opinion, probably stuff that will cause problem for him in relationships.

 

If he just admitted to being bi and not keeping secrets I wouldn't see a problem. It's the denial of reality, the secrets, and the real motivation that I think is a bad sign and makes him a risk I wouldn't take.

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Your time is better spent focusing on the fact that if your boyfriend loves you, treats you right, isn't looking to cheat or trade you in for someone else then it's all good. Most of us after a certain age have a past and I think you should be more concerned with the man in front of you than his past sexual experiences. In short, I see no more reason for you to leave him or stop loving or to worry he's gay than if he'd told you he slept with only women. Learn to stop putting so much stock in what a partner did before they met you and just enjoy who they are and the relationship you have now. It's all any of us can do.

 

You are so right, thank you. Your whole advice note was wonderful. I was just in complete shock when he told me but I have had time to calm down and ease into the fact that the past is the past no matter how different it is to mine. He is a manly man with a beautiful heart, he loves women, he adores me and basically has a high sexual drive and in the past, obviously didn't care how he got off. The itch I am talking about isn't about being with a man, its using his dildo but its something he has said he wants to stop doing by himself and enjoy that part of our sex lives together. He assures me it was just a few drunken carnal acts, no kissing, no emotional connection, there were years in between where there was nothing, then occasions where it happened 6 months between. He has been through and dealt with the questions am I gay? and knows that he is comfortable with his sexuality. He says he knows that he wants me and only me for eternity.

 

I don't believe he would cheat and he is the sort of guy to want to please me in every way, so I should embrace this part of him also. Do I feel sick that he has been with a man? Yes. But I also feel sick to think of him with another woman. Call me selfish, but really, I don't want to think of him being with anyone else but me. The past is the past now.

 

Your words I think you should be more concerned with the man in front of you than his past sexual experiences really hit home and helped a lot. You are so right, so so very right Thank you so much.

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I don't think having a high sex drive has anything to do with sexual orientation. He had sex with men because he gets sexual pleasure out of having sex with men. High sex drive doesn't mean you don't care about the gender of your sex partner. Having said that it's up to you as far as whether you're ok with being in a romantic relationship with someone who also enjoys sex with men. It's not about the past it's about his present sexual orientation and preferences.

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What I seem to be finding in researching this topic, is that it is ok for a woman to explore other woman for years. Then when she decides to settle and get married and have kids, people put it down to sexual experimentation no matter how long they did it for. It seems to be more acceptable. Why is it so different and why should I be more worried because its a man? I am a little confused? I am sure he is capable of monogamy. He does like prostate stimulation yes, but I know many straight men do.

 

I was actually with a guy in my younger years who was straight, had never been with a man but loved anal stimulation. I asked him if he would ever be with a man and he said "Maybe just for the sexual act of it cause it feels good but I don't trust anyone to do it with". I actually left him because of this reason, I was scared that he might turn that way and back then I didn't have the maturity to try and at least understand his side of things. I just ran. But he moved on to get married and have children and is very happy with his wife and his dildo. Maybe this is a more common thing than I think? I don't know?

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I don't think having a high sex drive has anything to do with sexual orientation. He had sex with men because he gets sexual pleasure out of having sex with men. High sex drive doesn't mean you don't care about the gender of your sex partner. Having said that it's up to you as far as whether you're ok with being in a romantic relationship with someone who also enjoys sex with men. It's not about the past it's about his present sexual orientation and preferences.

 

^^ This.

 

OP, it sounds like you're revising and minimizing some of what your detailed in your opening post. Finding reasons to justify to yourself staying in the relationship. If you want to stay with him, that's your choice.

 

I was actually with a guy in my younger years who was straight, had never been with a man but loved anal stimulation. I asked him if he would ever be with a man and he said "Maybe just for the sexual act of it cause it feels good but I don't trust anyone to do it with". I actually left him because of this reason, I was scared that he might turn that way and back then I didn't have the maturity to try and at least understand his side of things. I just ran. But he moved on to get married and have children and is very happy with his wife and his dildo. Maybe this is a more common thing than I think? I don't know?

 

As far as you know. As an outsider you're not privy to what their relationship is like behind closed doors.

But to address your latter question, there isn't anything gay about a particular sex act that both genders could participate in. It's who you choose to do it with that makes it gay or straight sex.

 

Your Ex didn't hook up with men (whilst dating you). Your current boyfriend has, it's comparing apples to oranges.

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