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How do I cope with lack of sex in happy relationship?


MusicTeacher23

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We have been together for nearly 3 years and have lived together for 8 months. We started out as close friends and it gradually developed into a relationship. What turned us into more than friends was a drunken night which shocked us both into realising how amazing the sex was with each other. It happened very often for the first year and then we had a few problems during the second year of our relationship when he moved in with a different friend. This was around the time that the frequency of sex first slowed down. We ended up breaking up for about a week but then talked a lot and realised it was silly when we both loved each other and wanted to be together. At this point we were having sex all the time again! In the last year however it's gone down to twice a month and it's now been 1 month since we had sex. We both have very stressful jobs with anti social hours but since living together that hasn't affected our relationship in anyway as we now get to see each other every night. He's affectionate, we cuddle every night and he's the cuddler not me! We kiss quite often and he always tells me he loves me. We flirt and have such a laugh together. We stay up til stupid o'clock talking and joking and everything else about us is perfect. It's just the sex. To make it worse on Valentines day I got all dressed up in sexy underwear and he tuned me down...AGAIN! I know he feels like the less attractive one out of the two of us and I thought that maybe that was his problem, he is quietly insecure and has a lot of issues regarding becoming close to people due to past family trauma. He also hates his job and we casually smoke marajuana...all of which I know can affect sex drive. I just don't know how to cope with it anymore. He says that when we talk about it, it makes him feel pressured apparently. He says he wants sex to happen naturally and that sometimes when he can tell I want it, he feels pressured and gets put off. We are moving in with my parents in July, we both hate where we live now and the jobs we do so I'm

Hoping the sex will happen again when we are both in a happier environment. I would just like some advice on how to deal with the next few months of potentially no sex without causing arguments or making it worse...I feel like I'm on heat all the time and it's stressing me out!

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Why should you 'cope' if you're a healthy young woman? This just isn't normal, and you shouldn't accept it as such. And most healthy young men would not turn down a GF in pretty lingerie on Valentine's day. So he's clearly AVOIDING it and you need to get to the bottom of that.

 

When you say you 'casually' smoke, what does that mean? Perhaps he smokes a lot more than you think he does, and it is well known that many stoners just retreat into that world and don't do much else and do lose their libido. So you're seeing this as a 'short term' thing but he's frankly doing nothing at all to fix it and in fact seems to be avoiding fixing it.

 

So this should be non-negotiable. Perhaps the two of you are not compatible if he only wants it once a month. And you both need to stop smoking if that is interfering with libido. So you need to have a talk with him and tell him that you need to find a way to have a normal healthy sex life (at least twice a week), and if he's not interested in finding a way to do that, and actually TRYING to do that, then perhaps you each need to go find someone who turns you on.

 

Otherwise you don't have a real romance/relationship, you have a brother/sister scenario and that is not sustainable over the long term and you'll eventually break up regardless. And I would not consider moving into your parent's house with him unless this is fixed before then, or else he'll just switch to the excuse that he feels 'inhibited' in your parent's house.

 

Go online and buy some books on spicing up your sex life, and tell him that as a couple you need to try some of the things recommended in the books to see if you can get your mojo back. If you can't, or he won't try, then you pretty well need to stick a fork in this because it's done, and it is only a matter of time before one or the other of you meets someone else you spark on and then the relationship ends very quickly after that when cheating happens or the person bolts to be with the new person.

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My ex was exactly like this and he didn't touch pot. One night I came to bed wearing lingerie and called me too "presumptuous" for expecting sex just because I put something pretty on.

He also said that when he knew I wanted it, it put too much pressure on him and it put him off.

He was slightly overweight but I was in love with him, I didn't care. He felt very unattractive and refused to talk about it.

 

Did I mention this was my EX? It did not work out for me. It turns out he wasn't happy with me, but he was happy talking dirty to other girls online - in ways he had never spoken to me. This sort of thing never works out. Think about it. The fact that you want sex puts pressure on him and turns him off? What kind of request is that to give to your girlfriend?

I look back on my own experience now and think I must have been absolutely crazy to buy that kind of stuff. Whatever was going through his head at the time, it should not have been put on me. His lack of sex drive should not have been blamed on me wanting to be intimate with him.

Most importantly though, he had no concern whatsoever. He knew I was unhappy with the way things were, he knew that I needed more intimacy from a relationship. Instead of getting help, or looking for the root of his sudden drop in libido however, he blamed me for pressuring him too much.

I say losing libido isn't nice for anyone, and it's something we may all go through at some point. However, not wanting to get help for something that is making your partner unhappy is something that can be changed. If he is completely unwilling to try and sort this out then he is not interested in working on your relationship.

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This is avoiding sex person was me at times. For a very long time I didn't like sex. And even now I struggle with that. I am not a normal male, and when people say things like 'a healthy male his age should be jumping on you in a teddy' it properly angers me...because it suggests there is something defective about me if I am no constantly humping my girlfriend's leg... I don't smoke, I don't really drink. It was a lot of pressure...and continues to be, because there are expectations out there. That being said, it isn't fair to you, for him to shut you down in a consistent manner. It also isn't fair to him for you to force him or manipulate him or push him to do anything. I would try to talk to him, see if you can't figure out what's causing this and find a work around, or to at least get an understanding.

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How can wanting to be intimate with someone you love be construed as pressure?

Honest --- I am curious.

 

Because there are expectations...of performance, from the other person's idea of how a male is supposed to react. Maybe, he's like me, and feels he isn't good enough for you...and there is no succinct way of fixing that. Maybe love is the problem. I personally have a hard time with abstract emotions...things like love. I don't know how to be in love. I don't understand the rules and social expectations...and it messes with me because love seems to be one of these things that you're supposed to do things not because you're in love but because you're in love...and it is paradoxical. You're supposed to do things because you want to not because you need to, but if you don't do those things because you don't want to, then you aren't in love...which really then tells me you need to do those things regardless. There's the pressure. Knowing something is being expected of him...and him not having those feelings or not feeling it...but feeling he has to fulfill a duty to keep a relationship that he likes.

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Thanks --- I think I get what you are saying.

 

It's really not much different than when women have the same issue of 'not wanting sex'. Except it seems, that it is more acceptable for a woman to 'have a headache' than is for a man. There are days I simply don't want to have sex with my girlfriend...it has nothing to do with her attractiveness. It has nothing to do with her behavior. It has nothing to do with her clothing. It has everything to do with me...being perfectly content with not having sex today, and not wanting to have sex. There are days I just want to go out on a hike with my girlfriend, and sit by the lake shore...and not paw at each other like a pair of bears in heat. I frankly enjoy my quiet times with her sometimes more than I enjoy our carnal escapades. And because of this I've been told that I'm not manly or I'm unhealthy or there's something wrong with me. I had one girl in the past who thought I was gay...because I enjoyed being with her...but I wasn't overly enthusiastic about sex.

 

I like having a text to my relationship, substance. And I feel sometimes sex is used as a substitute for substance.

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I wasn't trying to derail the thread.

And while I see where you are coming from --- I think many of your word choices "performance", "carnal", etc. speak more to the issue than understanding

desire or lack there of.

 

I don't really follow. I don't desire sex more often than not. I find it tiring and exhausting, and stressful. I takes a lot out of me physically and emotionally and I neither need it nor desire it on a daily or even weekly basis.

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I very much doubt that it is anything like the situation you are describing. Your situation is far more understandable and not a sudden drop from real interest that her boyfriend had in sex. Her partner was very interested in sex at the beginning.

 

Anyway let's not get derailed and bring the focus back to the OP and her specific situation.

They had sex very frequently for months (maybe years?)and only recently has the interest dropped with added stress in life, after the relationship is not new anymore.

 

They broke up, then reunited and had a revived sex life.

 

My ex husband was like this after we had been married a year, it got worse and worse each year. He would get more interested in sex depending on situations. But he was also cheating part of the time, either emotionally, physically, or by taking drugs and lying to my face about it. He loved drugs more than anything in life.

It's infuriating. Being shamed for initiating sex, being made to feel unattractive is not ok. It sounds like he is not really interested anymore for one reason or another. It could be a loss of testosterone. he could be emotionally cheating or it could be the amount of pot he is smoking. When you once had a very active (every other day or even more than once daily) sex life drop to less than once a month it signals a greater problem in the relationship as a whole.

 

If you two are very serious about staying together I suggest counseling.

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