Jump to content

My Girlfriends ex still rents a room from her


rob67

Recommended Posts

I have been dating my girlfriend for 10 months now, we literally live together in my house. However, her ex from 13 years ago still rents a room from her in her house. Although we don't visit her house much it still makes me feel very uneasy. As he is the only person in the house he treats it like his, enters her bedroom to borrow things, etc. I have told her how I feel about this, but it always leads to a disagreement. She doesn't have a problem with it. She says they split up remaining friends and he has basically lived with her ever since. And yes, they have slept together, hold hand when going out, etc. She even said "From the outside it looks like we are a married couple". She was totally honest with me from day 1, said her cared about him, but never wanted to spend the rest of her life with him, like she does me. I thought I could deal with it, but it just don't feel right. She says in the future she wants to sell her house and be with me and at that point her ex will have to move out. It just feels like she can't ask him to move out, as if she want to keep a roof over his head. Not sure what to do. Love the girl with all my heart but it torments me.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

She has to cut this cord sooner or later. And if she really is serious about you, then she needs to cut this cord now. I'd wait until you've been together a year, then I'd sit her down and have a serious talk with her that you don't think you can move to the next level with her if she's not willing to stop the 'old married couple' thing with him. Time for him to move on and get his own life and not live in her house anymore, and in fact for you both to stop living like college students in a mixed house scenario.

 

If the relationship is going to get serious, then you need to make plans to move in together and/or get engaged and marry, and sell your respective houses when you move in together. So if she's not willing to follow that arc where when you get serious, she unloads the long term freeloader on her life, then she really isn't ready to commit to you and a permanent relationship. so what you need to do is decide how long you want to wait before you have that conversation where you tell her it is time to get serious and officially move in together and deal with your respective houses by selling them and getting a place together, and time for her ex to hit the road and live his own life and get his own property to live in and his own GF.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks for your reply.

 

We spend most of our time at my house, and she has moved a lot of her stuff in as well, which I am happy about and know she is serious. Her house needs quite a bit of work doing to it in order to sell, and she has agreed to start doing this and then sell it. However, this is going to take a long time to do, possible a couple of years. She has offered to ask the ex to move out, but if that happens then she will be staying more at her house in order not to leave it empty. Feels a bit like blackmail. Did wonder about saying something to the ex in a casual way!!!! I did ask her how she would feel if my ex rented a room, the response was fine as long as it was amicable. She has cut down a lot of her communication with him and only really contacts him if she is returning to the house. I can accept people have a past and ex, but still remaining good friends, meeting for coffee, and living in the house doesn't work for me. Or am I the one with the problem?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

OK, it is not necessary to spend a lot of time and money fixing up a house, in fact, it can be a bad idea, since a lot of the money you put it you may not get back 100% in the sale (i.e., you put $10,000, but can only increase the price by $7,500). And there are LOTS of people who want a discount in price for a fixer upper. A house will ALWAYS sell if the price is right for the condition the house is in and the location. Do NOT 'over-improve' a house for top dollar, as that almost always is a disappointment and wastes time and money.

 

I've bought and sold lots of houses and have never had trouble selling a house that is a fixer upper if it is priced right for the condition of the house. So that is the key, pricing the house properly.

 

So she does NOT need 2 years to fix up a house, in fact, she could have it ready to go inside a month or two if she did the simple improvements that do pay off like a new coat of paint and/or new carpeting if it is looking bedraggled. But other larger/more time consuming 'fixer upper' issues should just be acknowledged and discounted in the price.

 

So I would work on convincing her she doesn't need to spend 2 years fixing the place up in order to sell it. She needs to settle on a happy medium (say 6 months) and give the ex BF notice that he will move out on a particular date. Then you can have confidence that this situation is going to end.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I was with you until you said you didn't want her to ask him to leave because that means she would be at her place more. I know you want to be joined at the hip but it is not the best idea to be living together so soon.

 

I think that compromise is perfect and you just need to maturely accept the decrease in time together ... and start thinking about timelines for marriage.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

She is not changing the situation because she doesn't want to. I don't think it's purely financial. I think she likes having him under her roof as a back-up plan.

 

Agreed. I'd saw off my arm with a butter knife if that's what I had to do to get free from am ex. She just doesn't want to. She'll only change when every guy she dates dumps her for the same reason.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It is a common sense move if this woman is pregnant and her hormones are going crazy, that EVERYONE just needs to settle down and cut the drama. There is nothing to gain by having the family get all involved in this or trying to right her or bait her or stir her up when she's only a couple months pregnant. Everyone is better off just humoring her throughout the pregnancy and keeping the drama to a minimum if they want to have the child in their lives and avoid alienating her or making her do something rash because she is so emotional right now.

 

So your brother needs to behave as impeccably as a priest and like he's a faithful husband and stop fooling around on FB or with anything that shows he might be disloyal to her or has a roving eye. That is as enraging to a pregnant woman as waving a red flag in front of a bull, so he needs to use his common sense and really keep in mind how his actions may be playing with her and think before he acts.

 

And you both need to tell your mother to chill out because she's not helping, and if your mother can't control herself, then stop telling your mother anything that sets your mother off into any kind of drama over this woman or her pregnancy. It's really nobody else's business, and if your mother is having a go at this girl over the 'potential' grandchild, then stop telling grandma anything that will sent her off either.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Agreed. I'd saw off my arm with a butter knife if that's what I had to do to get free from am ex. She just doesn't want to. She'll only change when every guy she dates dumps her for the same reason.

 

I'm inclined to agree. I've had a good chat with her and ensures me that's not the case and shes agreed to get on with the house ASAP. We will see how it goes, have set a time in my mind in order to see that changes in the right direction are being made, and if things don't start changing then I'm afraid it proves to me she just can't let go of the ex.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I wouldn't of dated her to begin with. Screw that, she needs to send him packing, either she wants you or him.

 

Well, eventually I told her I could not deal with the ex being in her house and that I have to see him every time I visit. Told her I would not be visiting her house no more!!! The next day she told him he needs to start looking for somewhere else to live. Lets see how long he drags that out for.

 

Sorry, just don't do ex's, is that wrong???

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well, eventually I told her I could not deal with the ex being in her house and that I have to see him every time I visit. Told her I would not be visiting her house no more!!! The next day she told him he needs to start looking for somewhere else to live. Lets see how long he drags that out for.

 

Sorry, just don't do ex's, is that wrong???

No you're not, you can't be afraid to put your foot down and demand respect. My girlfriend got a text from a guy she used to see before me at 2am, yeah no, she told him not to talk to her anymore.

 

Some people just push your boundaries, it's in their nature it doesn't make them bad or anything like that, but they will walk on you if you let them.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well, eventually I told her I could not deal with the ex being in her house and that I have to see him every time I visit. Told her I would not be visiting her house no more!!! The next day she told him he needs to start looking for somewhere else to live. Lets see how long he drags that out for.

 

Sorry, just don't do ex's, is that wrong???

 

He's not dragging this out, she is. Also, the fact that you had to practically back her into a corner in order for her to tell him to start looking for another place seems to point to the writing on the wall. The bottom line is, she's dragging her feet, and he's going nowhere anytime soon.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...