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Got into an argument while drunk, now he wants nothing to do with me?


rebellefleur

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So i've been talking to this guy for a little over a month and things were kind of iffy throughtout our dating experience. For example, he never asked me out-out and would always ask me to just come over and when i expressed to him that i wasn't comfortable with that he would assure me he wasn't trying to make it that way. I was always really kind of skeptical of this. There were other weird things too but i won't get into it.

 

Anyway, i brushed it aside because we got along really well personality wise. He made me laugh and we just clicked. We finally hung out, i went over to his place and made sure nothing happened. We just talked for a long time and he kissed me at the end of the night. The next day he was kind of distant. He didn't text me, i had to text him and the conversation didn't last long. Then later that night, i asked him what he was up to and he was like "Oh i might be going to AC" (Atlantic City, that is- there was a dj playing at one of the clubs there that i was going to and had told him about the night before.) This was kind of weird to me bc i had to ask him, he just didn't tell me and i couldn't understand why- knowing we'd be at the same place.

 

Anyway, i had asked him if he was definitely coming and hours went by and he didn't answer my text. So i'm at the club, by this time like 3 hours had gone by and i was drunk at this point. I ran into one of his friend's girlfriends in the bathroom and she grabbed me and went "omg J is here!" and drug me out to him. Now i was super mad, he didn't even text me and didn't even let me know he was at the club, he was kind of just blowing me off and it was all so weird. I drunkenly overreacted bc i was hurt and he just blew me off when i tried to talk to him, he would walk right by me in the club and not even acknowledge me. It was so weird. He claimed he told me that he let me know he left his phone at the hotel room bc it died (but i don't know how true that is.)

 

The next day i tried to talk to him and figure out what happened since i only remembered bits and pieces. He told me i fought with him and he wasn't dealing with that to which i was really humble and just let him know i was really sorry if i acted a certain way and that i was really drunk and it wasn't an excuse, but i was really sorry for whatever rubbed him the wrong way and also i felt like he was blowing me off. I was super cool about it. But he wouldn't answer me. He just ignored me and replied maybe to one or two of my texts. Now i just feel really crappy. I even sent flowers to him today with a note that said "sorry for being a drunk ahole- but i kinda, sorta really like you so can we restart?" I did it just to be lighthearted. He didn't acknowledge it at all, not a thank you, not a single word. Now i feel hurt and stupid. He acted like he really, really liked me and all of a sudden over one screw up he just cuts me off like that? Especially when i come off so apologetic and as if he's never had a drunk idiot moment. I'm just so hurt by this, i don't know what to think.

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So you talked for a month and hung out once. Explain why he needs to let you know where and what he is doing.

 

Okay for one, he's the person who made this seem like it was deeper than it was. He was calling me pet names by the second week of talking and telling me that he wanted to make me his girlfriend, which kind of weirded ME out but i got past it because i liked HIM.

 

and secondly, after acting like you're so into me, wanting to date me, and knowing from me previously telling him the night before that i was going to that exact concert and that we'd be in the same, small club- why wouldn't he say something? Sorry but i think it's a lot stranger that he wouldn't tell me. It's not telling me where and what he's doing...it's saying- oh hey, remember that dj you're going to see in that tiny freaking club? yeah, i'll be there too.

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I guess i just based things off of what he said and how he came off. Which was a mistake on my part i suppose but he was really convincing. He was busy with work and class a lot so i assumed maybe all he had time for was a home type hang out? And when i would tell him how i felt- about being iffy about just hanging out at his house because i didn't want things to happen- he would send me novels of texts back expressing that he wasn't like that, that he really liked me, that he wanted to date me and be in a relationship, that he was an old fashioned type, etc.

 

And then this all happened, over one stupid night out. I just don't get why he'd so adamantly tell me he liked me/wanted me if he was just out to screw around. i made it clear i wasn't going to just sleep with him.

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Well he knows how much you are into him and figured that he'll get laid eventually without ever really having to do something like date you and put forth effort. Texting and talking is cheap, quick and easy. A guy who is actually interested in you will actually date you and make time for you no matter how busy he is. He won't suggest you come over to hang at his house when he is trying to impress you. Keep that in mind going forward. There is absolutely nothing about this guy's actions that indicate any real interest in you.

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Okay for one, he's the person who made this seem like it was deeper than it was. He was calling me pet names by the second week of talking and telling me that he wanted to make me his girlfriend, which kind of weirded ME out but i got past it because i liked HIM.

 

and secondly, after acting like you're so into me, wanting to date me, and knowing from me previously telling him the night before that i was going to that exact concert and that we'd be in the same, small club- why wouldn't he say something? Sorry but i think it's a lot stranger that he wouldn't tell me. It's not telling me where and what he's doing...it's saying- oh hey, remember that dj you're going to see in that tiny freaking club? yeah, i'll be there too.

You didn't answer my question, you guys aren't friends, you're not even dating, if anything be glad he showed you what he is like early on. Seems like he just wanted sex. Move on it's not a big deal he doesn't have to tell you anything, he was saying nice things, so what. His actions didn't add up to them.

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If it really came down to him not meaning anything he said, he is hands down the best sweet talker i have ever experienced. I would get a bad vibe about things and communicate that to him and he would send the longest texts, saying the most convincing things showing me that he wasn't like that. I'm just floored at how good he was and how stupid i am.

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Oh boy. Wayyyy too much drama for someone you barely know.

 

I agree he wasn't that, that into you, despite all the flowery words. The pet names, the novel-length texts -- those are just words, and manipulative ones at that. He never asked you out. He just wanted to hang out at his place -- and you only did that once. He made up story about his phone dying and leaving it in his hotel room (Who does that? I know very few people who even allow their phones to die to begin with!) He went cold on you, etc. These are all signs of someone who's not all that interested, and not only did you stick around for it, but you ended up apologizing profusely to HIM. Yikes!

 

Did he behave badly? I wouldn't say he was a saint; he probably sent some mixed signals, and I suspect when he wasn't getting what he wanted (I doubt he just wanted to hang out at his place and expected nothing to happen), he lost interest. It would have been courteous for him to reply to your text asking if he was going to be at the club, but...beyond that, I think your reaction was out of proportion to what happened AND to the relationship you have with him, which is two people just getting to know each other. When you drunkenly got mad at him, I'm guessing he probably thought, "WHOA! I just met this girl! What's with all the drama?!" and it put him off. Then, the flowers and apologies -- probably just too much. That said, I don't think this is the guy for you at all, and I think you're lucky you found it out now.

 

Rebellefleur, I remember some of your past posts about other guys -- I think one ex in particular, if I remember correctly -- and I think you need to work on not getting too into someone right away and not investing too much in words that a guy says when he barely knows you. And...you need to fine tune/be more willing to listen to your intuition. Something told you from the very beginning to be wary, and yet you got sucked in by a bunch of long, flowery texts. You've got to look out for yourself more. If something feels wrong, it probably is. Listen to that -- don't just dismiss it because the guy makes you laugh or is cute or you're lonely. It's better to be on your own for awhile than be with someone who isn't good for you.

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Thank you for your response! I always look forward to your advice!

 

But i completely agree with how he probably saw that as dramatic. I put myself in his shoes and i probably would have felt overwhelmed and turned off as well. HOWEVER, i think i would have at least accepted their apology and chalked it up as a drunk mistake that sometimes happens and given them at least one more chance, especially if they were sorry.

 

But i don't know, i do believe there is more to it than what he is telling me. I don't entirely believe he left his phone at a hotel room because like you mentioned, people rarely do that and also i had sent a snapchat that was opened by him...which couldn't have happened if he didn't have his phone. The fact that he never wanted to take me out to get to know me was the biggest red flag of all but i dismissed it because i thought maybe i wasn't giving him a fair chance. Maybe he didn't have time, maybe that's all he could do. I remember telling him that i didn't like the concept of going to his house and he said "well i just want to get to know you and i thought it'd at least be better than a bar." and i thought okay, yeah, but what about a restaurant or a cafe or even a bar that isn't filled with frat kids where we can just get a drink? It just seemed strange to me.

 

I just wear my heart on my sleeve and i believe in people too much, even when obvious signs are there. I agree the way i acted was a little ridiculous, i'll give him that, but i don't think it's unforgivable or something unable to move on from if you really, genuinely liked someone...especially when they were apologetic.

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If it really came down to him not meaning anything he said, he is hands down the best sweet talker i have ever experienced. I would get a bad vibe about things and communicate that to him and he would send the longest texts, saying the most convincing things showing me that he wasn't like that. I'm just floored at how good he was and how stupid i am.

Look take it from me, I'm a guy, I've been a single guy that only wanted sex. it was meaningless words he fed you, grow up. Listen to what we are saying just because it's not what you want to hear doesn't make it not true. I'm sure you've maybe led some one on, most people have and then cry foulwhen it happens to them. Grow up, live and learn.

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If be was invested in you, cared about you...KNEW you then maybe he could get over the drunken rant. However.... one of that is the case.

 

And for future reference.... raving at someone when drunk, followed by a "oops....my bad" is really not acceptable.

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And i do understand it isn't acceptable, but like i said i don't think it's unforgivable. But most of me knows that like i didn't lash out for nothing. It was mostly because i sensed something was off and based off of how he had acted all day, the ignoring me/blowing me off, the phone comment and then basically treating me as if he didn't know me.

 

I don't know, as wrong and stupid as i know i was for even acting that way sunday, i just really feel like there was way more to what he was telling me regardless.

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I suggest you re read your original post and see just how one sided this was. You got way carried away, like a dog on a scent that won't give up, and that is why he was able to sweet talk you. Via text no less! Not even a voice.

 

Imagine it was a guy pursuing you that hard, and how you might feel. You probably wouldn't take him seriously, right?!

 

I'm not saying he isn't a dink. Because he did act like one; being willing to feed you bs to try and get you in bed, if you were willing to overlook your own good judgment and do that without him having to actually DO anything besides send some lame texts.

 

I'm just saying...this is totally 100% preventable (quite easily) in the future. At rejection one (the point where he wouldn't meet with you on a date), back off.

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And i do understand it isn't acceptable, but like i said i don't think it's unforgivable. But most of me knows that like i didn't lash out for nothing. It was mostly because i sensed something was off and based off of how he had acted all day, the ignoring me/blowing me off, the phone comment and then basically treating me as if he didn't know me.

 

I don't know, as wrong and stupid as i know i was for even acting that way sunday, i just really feel like there was way more to what he was telling me regardless.

Do you pay his phone bill?

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I have to agree with Itsallgrand and Mhowe - yes I suppose some men would forgive it if they were over the moon about you before that happened (but then it wouldn't have happened in the first place, right?). I don't think he was a saint and I think you chose to ignore pink and red flags and chose to get drunk as part of your decision to escalate the drama you created.

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And i do understand it isn't acceptable, but like i said i don't think it's unforgivable. But most of me knows that like i didn't lash out for nothing. It was mostly because i sensed something was off and based off of how he had acted all day, the ignoring me/blowing me off, the phone comment and then basically treating me as if he didn't know me.

 

I don't know, as wrong and stupid as i know i was for even acting that way sunday, i just really feel like there was way more to what he was telling me regardless.

 

I don't like this attitude you are communicating. I acted badly but so did he and my attitude was forgiveable so he should forgive it. Who are you to decide what someone else's boundaries should be?

 

Ultimately, dear, this is the same old story. People in past threads have given you all the advice you are getting here. Texting and talking is not dating; going on dates is dating. Watch the words and actions for consistency. Walk away if you feel mistreated. Don't chase men or get aggressive.

 

And you do the opposite over and over. Which makes me think you are getting something out of all of this drama. THAT dynamic is best explored with a therapist.

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Completely agree with Ms Darcy

 

Until you change your pattern in relationships, you are always going to be finding the same guy over and over again. Create some boundaries for yourself before you go and do anymore "dating". Write them down as though they were your own personal dating commandments.

eg.

 

- If the guy insists I go to his house - tell him I'm not interested

- If the guy never calls and only texts - It is not serious

- If the guy loses interest/becomes cold after I go to his house (and don't put out) - I am no longer interested

 

If it means giving your heart a break and having your head make all the decisions at first, then do it. Once you start to see the results of your own boundaries and your own commandments then you will start changing your outlook on men and what you will find acceptable in a relationship.

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