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I am so lost in my life.


stepmom94

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My boyfriend and I have been dating for a while now and I am starting to feel unsure about our future together because of some issues...

He is 31 and I am 20. He was in a previous long term relationship which resulted in two kids. He felt like he was happy with his family, so he decided to get a vasectomy. I feel like I'm missing out because I know that the chances of a successful pregnancy after a vasectomy is low. And I'm worried that I might be stuck being the step mom the rest of my life (his kids do not respect me like an adult and I feel belittled by his kids, assuming from his bad mouthing ex). I love this man to death. I really care about him and I don't want to break up with him just because of something like this but I really want to have kids eventually and I am freaking out that I might always be the step mom.

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Have you tried talking to him about this? He obviously had to of thought about these things before even getting into the relationship with you in the first place, especially with the large age gap.

 

Ummm. No he didn't...he has a gf 10 years younger than him...who is willing to date a guy with 2 kids.

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Ummm. No he didn't...he has a gf 10 years younger than him...who is willing to date a guy with 2 kids.

 

Thats like saying who is willing to date a girl with 2 kids?... thats a weird comment. And I am going to assume he knew that getting into a relationship with a 20 yr old that eventually she was going to want kids herself.

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There are many people who don't want to date people with children.

I am just saying it is not safe to assume he wants to marry or have more children.

And if OP doesn't know the answers to those 2 questions... it is time to find out.

 

Original post says "together for a while".

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If you really want kids and he is willing to marry you, you could try to get the vasectomy reversed, and if that fails, then nyou can use a sperm donor then both you and your husband raise the child as your own. But that assumes he even wants to do that.

 

The good news is you are young and have time to decide whether you want to stay with him or not. But i think if you really want kids, and he is not willing to go the route of reversing the vasectomy and/or allow you to use a sperm donor to have a child with him, then i think you should let this go. You are young and probably very infatuated, but I imagine there are lots of good guys out there you could be happy with if this doesn't work out, especially considering how young you are.

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IMO, if he was so certain he didn't want any more kids at his age that he got a vasectomy, he doesn't want any more kids. Getting a vasectomy isn't a small thing.

 

You're 20. You've got loads of time to find someone who is on the same page as you regarding children. Also, if your BF's kids mouth off to you and he doesn't stop them from doing it, he doesn't respect you, either. His kids don't have to love you. They don't even have to like you but they should at least be polite and respect their father's girlfriend. If he isn't correcting them in this, that's a red flag.

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^^^ Absolutely agree. His kids will be in his life forever, they will always come first, and if the have no respect for you now, they never will.

 

I hate to be blunt, but I think he is just having fun with you. If he doesn't stop his children disrespecting you then I don't see him making plans long term with you. If my children were ever rude to someone I was serious about they would have been chastised instantly.

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No one forced him to have a vasectomy - he did it because he was happy with the amount of children he already had. Splitting up with his ex did not change the size of the family he has, you simply took her place and he still has the same amount he had when he had his vasectomy.

In fact, when it comes down to it, the vasectomy has nothing to do with it. He doesn't want more kids in the future, and if he hasn't told you this yet then ask him. Tell him what you want in a relationship - which is the possibility of having more children further on down the line. If he tells you that he can't give that to you then you have your answer.

It is possible for vasectomy's to be reversed - until he tries that and fails, then it is still not impossible. If he tells you otherwise then it is possible he is lying to you to make sure that you have no hopes for having more children with him in the future. Something to think about.

 

I agree with the others. If he saw your relationship as anything serious he would not stand for his children to treat you like they do. I think this is much more of a "fun" thing for him than it is for you. Playing the role of step-mother is almost as important as being actual mother - if you have no say in his children's discipline after "a while" of being together then you're not step-mother, you are just Dad's girlfriend.

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Sorry for the late reply.

Yes he said he wants to have kids, and he would like to marry me one day. As for people who are judging me because of the age difference, he treats me well. Except for the kids. His excuse is that his son is young and he doesn't understand. And yes, I understand that most people wouldn't date someone with two kids from previous relationships, but I loved him and how he treated me but I guess the relationship has changed.

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  • 5 months later...

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