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16-year old hopeless romantic with no money, transportation, parents' consent.


R3d Anonymous

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I am a 16-year old Indian guy and for the past several years, I have been a pretty lonely guy. You know, I NEVER just leave the house to just hang out with friends. I mean, yeah during the summer, I go for bike rides and walks (by myself of course). Plus, usually my parents aren't home for a few hours when I am, so I have that time (which I would just blow away on the computer). But that's ONLY during the summer, and I never utilized that. The other thing is, this town kind of sucks as there are really no places to just hang out. You know? I mean there's a bike trial, a park and a small downtown with crappy restaurants, but that's basically it. Going to the movies is a 20-minute drive from here.

 

So the main problem here is, my parents are not at all used to me just hanging out with people so I am not comfortable bringing up the issue, and for the past few weeks, I have became a hopeless romantic as I have began to crush on a girl. You may say I am just horny, but keep in mind that sex is not a possibility at ALL for me until I am at LEAST in college, and even then I probably can't and won't until I am in my 20's. No, I just want to be in love with someone and that someone be in love with me, and experience how it feels to kiss. The other problem is I generally do not talk about my social/romantic life with my parents because I don't feel comfortable doing so. I am afraid of them either laughing at me or getting pissed at me (and one of those two things will most likely happen).

 

I asked this girl if she wanted to be a part of my quintet that I am arranging for volunteer work, and she said "yes" but really, that's not asking her out (and really I shouldn't ask her out until the quintet is done, so I probably won't).

 

And it's like, I can't make any moves until I solve these problems. It's like, not having my parents' consent is the biggest issue, but there's also other factors such as no form of transportation without my parents having to drive which is just lame, and no money (at least not until this summer).

 

But really, the main problem is I am afraid to talk to my parents about this issue. I am an alright student and all. Mostly A-'s and A's and a couple B+'s, and I am in a lot of orchestras for violin. But see, not having a car or money can generally be worked around; it's just that not having my parents' consent doesn't even allow me to do that.

 

So I literally do not know how to ask her out. I don't even have the same lunch period as her. See I was thinking for the first date, I could just ask her out to lunch at school because that's free, doesn't require any transportation and can be done without consenting parents. But then again, what do I do after that?

 

In a nutshell, I am a 16-year old hopeless romantic that would love to ask a girl out but has no money, no transportation unless parents drive, no parents' consent, am afraid to ask my parents for it as well, and am stuck in a crappy town where there are very few places to just hang out. What do I do? I know you will just say to wait until college, but I don't just want to waste these years being a hopeless romantic.

 

Additional Details/Responses to Common Misconceptions

 

The problem is that Indians generally don't allow their children to grow up as quickly as Americans. In India, the adult age is considered to be 21, not 18. My parents said they didn't start dating until they were in their early 20's so they can't even relate.

 

I don't want to admit to them that I am a hopeless romantic since they would think it's so weird. They don't know that deep down I really want to be in love and love romance. And then we have that problem again, they're INDIAN.

 

And it's not that I don't have academic goals. I am aiming to get a scholarship to UConn. Last year, I had straight A's. I have been playing violin for 8 years and take part in many orchestras and am starting a quintet for volunteer work and trying to get an internship this summer. So it's not that I don't have academic/future goals.

 

It's that I have no love life and it's something I have wanted for quite some time.

 

And I don't have much hope for college either because there's a good chance I won't have a car until I am 21 and if I am not studying in an urban area...I don't know how I would date. I mean sure, I will probably be able to get a crappy $7 per hour job and work a few hours a week at the least so money won't be too much of an issue. But still, I feel like even in college, if I don't have a car, she will get bored because I won't be able to take her anywhere.

 

So how do/did you guys do/did it? And what can I, if anything, do? Even if it's just getting through the next 2.5-6.5 years of being a hopeless romantic, give me tips on how to do that so I don't feel so bad about it. But really, before you give me tips for that, if there is anyway I CAN date with all these restrictions, then give those ideas first.

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I have traditional parents too and all I can tell you is as long as your under daddy's and mommy's roof, abide their rules.

 

Secondly you should move out for college. You need to experience life outside your parent's roof. It will also enable you to mingle and expand your communication with other people of diff origins and race. It also open doors to networking, job opportunities, and yes dating. I'm against debt, but get financial aid and financial loans subsidized by the govt to help pay for your living expenses.

 

Dating only gets better if you keep dating and knowing what you like and what you don't like... but sometimes in college, you make friends and your friends are everything that you dont have much time for dating because of parties and studying.

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I have traditional parents too and all I can tell you is as long as your under daddy's and mommy's roof, abide their rules.

 

Secondly you should move out for college. You need to experience life outside your parent's roof. It will also enable you to mingle and expand your communication with other people of diff origins and race. It also open doors to networking, job opportunities, and yes dating. I'm against debt, but get financial aid and financial loans subsidized by the govt to help pay for your living expenses.

 

Dating only gets better if you keep dating and knowing what you like and what you don't like... but sometimes in college, you make friends and your friends are everything that you dont have much time for dating because of parties and studying.

 

Here's the thing. Firstly, I haven't actually talked to them about this yet. So in another words, I am too scared to even try. They're not THAT traditional, but you know, I don't think they would be so fond of me dating. The main problem is just that I don't feel comfortable talking to them about my love life. I feel like it will be an awkward conversation. I used to talk to them about it in seventh grade when I had that crush, and look back and feel stupid about it. But that was only for a little bit and she rejected me anyway.

 

Second, I am going to move out for college, but my parents will be paying for all the expenses. They say they don't want me to have the stress of having to work a job (at least not a job where you have to work many hours a day). The downside to this is I won't have any recreational money for things like dating, etc. So that's why I still want to work a job, even if it's 10 hours a week; that's $70 per week. I don't think they would have much of a problem with that. They might listen if I tell them that I want to have some money for myself too and it's always good to get some job experience. As far as transportation, that will still be a problem because there's a good chance that they won't let me have their used 2005? Honda Accord until I am 21 years old. So I still don't know how I am going to work around that. But then again, this is all for LATER. I still would appreciate any advice for NOW. I say this because I still haven't talked to them about it (at least not in 3 years) and so maybe if you guys had any advice on how I might be able to convince them or at least have a meaningful discussion, that would be great. But keep in mind, my biggest problem is not actually how to talk to them about it, but actually doing it. I am afraid that they will make fun of me/laugh at me about it, or just get mad about it which also won't feel good. I have been working on my confidence, but this is still a HUGE insecurity I have. In general, in a nutshell, in an ideal place and world, I would be able to date without my parents knowing a single thing about my love life. I just don't like it when they get involved with it. And this is another thing I dread: what will I do when my parents ask me to invite her so they can meet her? I am ****ED there because it irritates me how parents generally don't think their child's significant other is good enough for them. That's one thing I REALLY despise about relationships. The fact that parents are usually so critical. I just don't understand why.

 

Also as a side note, I am not really into "parties", but that may change when I get older.

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Actually, I sort of sound like a brat in my last post. Sorry, I should be really appreciative of the fact that my parents are paying for my education. However, the problem is I am not sure they want me to be working a job while I am there because the whole point of them paying for college expenses is so that I don't have to work many hours a week and can better focus on my studies.

 

I am sorry. I should have been much more appreciative of this in my last post and I am. I am still going to have to work a job if I want to have fun though and I am hoping it's okay with them if I can work for 10 hours a week because that's $70 per week of just recreational money. Sounds more than enough for dating if you ask me. So I should be grateful, and I am. It's just that the only problem I still will have is that I might not get a car until I am 21. So transportation will still be an issue. So yeah, I guess I will be fine as far as dating goes in college.

 

But like I said, if you guys have any tips for what I can do NOW, that would be great. I really want to meet girls, get their numbers, be able to ask them out on dates and stuff but I have no money, transportation, or parental consent which is especially a problem at least right NOW. Later on in college, it might not be since I won't need my parents' permission to date, I will at least be working a crappy $7 per hour job, and lack of transportation won't be such a downside there; the problem is that it's an issue NOW and I feel like I am wasting my teenage years.

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We cannot provide money, a car or parental consent....so I think you need to change your mindset.

 

You can go on free dates....a picnic in the park, a hike, etc.

Most teenagers do not have a car, I don't care where you live.

And it would behoove you to speak to your parents about dating ---- they did.

 

Hiding and wishing will not change your circumstances. Take action.

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We cannot provide money, a car or parental consent....so I think you need to change your mindset.

Very true.

 

You can go on free dates....a picnic in the park, a hike, etc.

Fair enough.

Most teenagers do not have a car, I don't care where you live.

Then how do I reach my destination? Like I said, almost nothing is within walking distance for the BOTH of us. And it gets especially tough when the girl you like is in a completely different town.

And it would behoove you to speak to your parents about dating ---- they did.

Except, I don't think they did. They were raised in India. Like I said, my parents didn't start dating until they were in their 20's.

 

Hiding and wishing will not change your circumstances. Take action.

 

True, except what action can I take that will not result in extreme humiliation/failure? What's the first step? Is it to talk to my parents? Or is it to start talking to the girl in question and see if she likes me back and then if so, talk to my parents about it? And if so, how do I even introduce the topic to my parents?

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I think you should not focus on dating right now. I know a lot of people who have kids that are not dating one on one at 16. They are going out as groups. I would focus on just making friends - guys, too. I would start with extracurricular activities at school. i know you are in orchestra, but sometimes the structure of orchestra doesn't have you talking alot one on one to eachother. Your parents could probably find it in themselves to not stand in your way on joining the Yearbook Committee, trying out for the debate team or finding some other type of club that would be good on your college application, but enable you to meet more platonic friends.

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I think you should not focus on dating right now. I know a lot of people who have kids that are not dating one on one at 16. They are going out as groups. I would focus on just making friends - guys, too. I would start with extracurricular activities at school. i know you are in orchestra, but sometimes the structure of orchestra doesn't have you talking alot one on one to eachother. Your parents could probably find it in themselves to not stand in your way on joining the Yearbook Committee, trying out for the debate team or finding some other type of club that would be good on your college application, but enable you to meet more platonic friends.

 

Most of the clubs at my school are meh. The Debate Team doesn't actually meet; it just requires you to go once a month to compete for an entire day. The Debate Team is not exactly a place to "socialize". The issue is, I am quite a busy person with all my other stuff that I am doing. You know, TaeKwonDo, I am also starting Tennis private/small group lessons soon once I finish my vision therapy, violin lessons, pretty soon quintet rehearsals, Chamber Orchestra rehearsals, and then the symphony orchestra at this community division. Plus, my parents want me to get as many A's as I can (recently I have been slipping into the B+ range for some classes, partly because Chemistry is really hard for me so I only have an 89 in that class). This may sound like a waste of time, but I also like to play a game a day of League of Legends if I can and maybe two or three on Fridays and Saturdays. It's a hobby of mine, though I am really bad. I am Bronze V with 0 LP lol.

 

It's just that I feel bad whenever I see a girl I like and would like to approach her, but have to pass on the opportunity because I feel like I won't be able to date in the first place so why waste her time leading her to no man's land. That's the main problem. It's that I want to be able to approach girls, but don't because I feel like it's not possible due to these problems of no money, transportation, or parental consent. And that makes me feel like I am missing out on valuable opportunities. They say that you will regret not walking up to that hot girl and introducing yourself to her later on, and that's what's happening to me right now.

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If you are going to counter every post with "yes, but no" --- people are trying to help, and they will stop.

 

You are in charge of making choices.

 

So, if you want to choose trying to date, you will need to talk to your parents. If you choose not to talk to your parents, then you are choosing NOT dating.

 

So, if you choose NOT talking and NOT dating --- then you can choose between focusing on school and being the best you can be. And CHOOSE to accept

that it will be that way until college.

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Why not try to just get to know her? You don't know if you will end up dating her or not. Isn't it better to meet a new person and go from there?

 

You are doing a lot of activities where there is not as much social interaction. Can you find a different activity that provides that? Even if you had to drop something else? Something that forces you to collaborate with other people rather than individual stuff?

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If you are going to counter every post with "yes, but no" --- people are trying to help, and they will stop.

 

You are in charge of making choices.

 

So, if you want to choose trying to date, you will need to talk to your parents. If you choose not to talk to your parents, then you are choosing NOT dating.

 

So, if you choose NOT talking and NOT dating --- then you can choose between focusing on school and being the best you can be. And CHOOSE to accept

that it will be that way until college.

 

All of this is true. I still think you should focus on making friends rather than dating - ANY friends - guys too, other people who are Indian, other people who are not Indian, etc. The more successful you are at making friends the more successful you will be when you are ready to actually date. It is good practice and you meet more young ladies when you know more guys, too = they have sisters and female friends.

 

Also, since your parents are traditional, are you sure you will be able to date whomever you choose?

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If you are going to counter every post with "yes, but no" --- people are trying to help, and they will stop.

 

You are in charge of making choices.

 

So, if you want to choose trying to date, you will need to talk to your parents. If you choose not to talk to your parents, then you are choosing NOT dating.

 

So, if you choose NOT talking and NOT dating --- then you can choose between focusing on school and being the best you can be. And CHOOSE to accept

that it will be that way until college.

 

Alright, then let me ask you what I have been trying to ask this whole thread:

 

1. How do I go about talking to my parents in the safest way possible?

2. How do I reach my date destinations without a car?

 

I asked this in my last reply to you, though maybe not as clearly as I should have.

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All of this is true. I still think you should focus on making friends rather than dating - ANY friends - guys too, other people who are Indian, other people who are not Indian, etc. The more successful you are at making friends the more successful you will be when you are ready to actually date. It is good practice and you meet more young ladies when you know more guys, too = they have sisters and female friends.

 

Also, since your parents are traditional, are you sure you will be able to date whomever you choose?

 

Yeah, my parents' marriage was a love marriage.

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Why not try to just get to know her? You don't know if you will end up dating her or not. Isn't it better to meet a new person and go from there?

 

Because girls, as Delacrank said in one of my other threads, at this age are totally oblivious to your intentions. If you don't make your intentions known early, you end up getting friend-zoned and it's extremely difficult to get out of there. I mean, I am all for getting to know a girl and get her number, but that's as far as I can go, and then I am stuck until I talk to my parents, something I have no clue on which approach to take that won't get me in trouble.

 

EDIT: Sorry for being so "countering", if that's what it's coming off as.

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Alright, then let me ask you what I have been trying to ask this whole thread:

 

1. How do I go about talking to my parents in the safest way possible?

2. How do I reach my date destinations without a car?

 

I asked this in my last reply to you, though maybe not as clearly as I should have.

 

Worry about your date destinations when you have dates. I think you should really try to go hang out with other guys first and successfully do that.

 

How do you talk to your parents: "Hi Mom and Dad - I really appreciate you letting me do all the activities like martial arts, etc. What I would really like to do is make more friends. I would eventually like to date also. Could we make an arrangement where I can sometimes use the car to meet up with friends? I would like to be able to go to a movie or that festival that is coming up."

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You are 16 --- dating is holding hands and going to the movies. Seriously. You aren't moving out and getting an apartment and throwing dinner parties.

 

So --- you sit down at dinner and bring up the topic.

 

"I am starting to get interested in girls'. And I know that you guys met and fell in love --- tell me how you did it, because from where I am standing, it

seems impossible." You might mention that you are just interested in the knowledge at this juncture, because you know you need to be focused on studying

for college, etc. and your activities --- but this is not a topic to be be resolved in one conversation.

 

And though it would seem obvious --- if you have no transportation and don't take step One by talking to the transportation providers (your parents),

then you must date a girl in your town.

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Alright, those seem like great approaches, but only to AMERICAN parents. I am not kidding, you would think those are great ways to talk to my parents and they should be, but I don't think they will work in my situation. See I think the problem is, my whole life, I have had pretty much no life besides school and home, and they know this. So they are not used to me just "hanging out" with people. So I think that's the first step, but even that just seems like a big, huge step because my parents will be very surprised. And just "hanging out" is not easy, I pretty much only have one close friend and his parents confine him to the house. Also, another problem, I have no other friends like that who I can hang out with.

 

How about this? Do you think it's a good idea to just go up to that girl and start talking to her, maybe get her number a couple weeks down the road since I don't see her that much, and then see what happens from there? It's the "from there" part which is completely a gray area and I haven't a clue what that will be. But maybe then, if she accepts me, I will have more of a basis to talk to my parents on. I still don't know what approach I am going to take. I might just tell them that there's a girl I like and I want to see her sometime and she said "yes" and then ask them if I can and if they let me then great, and if they don't, then I will just tell this girl that either we just stay close to each other until I can date. This is all assuming she says "yes" to all my approaches though. If she says "no" then I don't have to worry about talking to my parents.

 

That honestly seems like the safest way for me to do this. Because the message I DON'T want to send here is, "I am interested in dating girls. I am going to have a date every other week! Yeah, I am such a player!" No, no no no, NO. That's not the message I want to send to my parents at all. Instead, "There's this one girl I like and she feels the same about me and we would like to see each other outside of orchestra. May I please?"

 

That is the safest approach I can come up with that should result in the least amount of humiliation possible. So what do you guys think?

 

As a side note, I don't like movies or dinner as a first date. Movies involves almost no interaction and dinner is too awkward and interview-like. My ideal first date idea is hanging out at a park or a picnic.

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You are way too worried about what your parents think. Your parents will be surprised only because wanting to date is not typically FOR YOU. There are plenty of Indian teenagers who have lots of friends. I knew one girl I went to school who was both Indian and very popular. No, she didn't go to field parties, or go out parking lot cruising, but she did have lots of female friends she talked to and got together with. It was not weird when she expressed an interest in dating as she was already very social. For EVERY parent, it is a very big shock that their son or daughter is not a child any more, of course.

 

Right now, you think the world is going to end or your parents will turn into flame breathing monsters if you mention you want to date. This is not reality. If you were a very social guy and had a lot of guy friends that you did things with - it would not be as strange to them when you took the leap to wanting to include young women.

 

Just talking to this young woman is a good thing. You don't have to ask to be able to date to do that. Just go for it. Talk to her. That is all you need to do right now.

 

btw, i was not interested in dating guys at 16, so she may or may not just want to get to know you and might not be ready to date anyhow.

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Yes, you finally get it. See, I am not a social guy. So when I bring this issue up, it will be really strange to them. They will think, "This is not my son!" That's pretty much the biggest reason I am afraid to talk to them about this. They won't believe that I feel this way, and if they do, they won't think positively about it and will begin to seriously question me about it and think, "What in the world is HE doing?" And that's what I am afraid of. Them asking questions.

 

Like I said, in an ideal place and world, I wouldn't have to talk to my parents at all about my love life. Unfortunately, I still have a long way before that becomes a reality and even then it will never be a TRUE reality because eventually I will have to reveal that I am in a relationship no matter what in order to get married. But that's 5-10 years away, so I am not TOO worried about that right now, but it's something I still dread.

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