What's this false low self esteem behaviour?

[jonyyy]

Some people have this type of behaviour, they put themselves down only for other people to cheer them up. When it's clear that they are competent or beautiful or loving etc. For instance :

 

- they speak poorly about their looks when they are attractive.

- they speak poorly about their competence and display insecurity when they are brilliant at their jobs.

- they speak poorly about their character when everyone likes them.

 

So they do this to get compliment boosts, right? But why? They know they are not like that so it's not like they truly have low self esteem.. is this some kind of personality disorder?

[savignon]

They want someone else to build them up. Sometimes people "fish for compliments" or can't take compliments so you might give one and then they put themselves down b/c they aren't able to accept it. A very mild personality flaw....we all have them.

[mhowe]

Because the have "true" self esteem issues.

 

You can be attractive and have low self esteem.

You can be very smart and have low self esteem.

And you can be popular and have low self esteem.

 

It is not a personality disorder. It is simply low self esteem.

 

In all cases, what you see and value --- they do not see. Or feel.

[mfan]

So they do this to get compliment boosts, right? But why?

They need the confidence boosts because they have low self-esteem. I don't think the self esteem issues are false in such people; they are all too real.

 

However, it is annoying - it's like listening to a rich person complain that taxes are too high.

 

I wonder if it's a vicious circle? The constant fishing for compliments makes the person's personality worse, which makes them need even more compliments to be reassured? etc.

[jonyyy]

So they really have low self esteem?! How can they not have self esteem and be proud of themselves when they have excellent professional feedback, rich social life and other people (sexually) attracted to them?

 

So this is why these people usually have extreme care about their looks, about what others say or think and are in a constant nervous state regarding their career?

 

Yes it's very annoying! Because one ends up looking at them as hypocrites and needy babies.

[Unreasonable]

Well, from a professional standpoint, it's quite common for people to feel like frauds, ESPECIALLY if they make a lot of money. No matter how much feedback, they feel like they're pulling the wool over people's eyes. Think about it, if you knew you were making twice as much money as the guy next to you for doing more or less the same job. It's not "false" at all, though they generally don't go advertising this to everybody.

[DancingFool]

It really depends on how they put it. Could be that they are simply being humble or just don't think they need the trumpets. Someone who is truly confident doesn't necessarily walk around going "look at me, I'm so hot and successful and smart and you all better recognize that." They just don't need that stuff and don't need the compliments either.

[pl3asehelp]

I think they have low self esteem. Just because you would be happy with the feedback you believe someone else is getting doesn't mean anyone else is obligated to react the same way. Also, you really have no idea exactly what kind of feedback another person is getting from others, cumulatively.

 

Another option is they just have a realistic view of themselves and high standards. Low self esteem isn't always bad - it's what motivates people to make positive changes.

[mhowe]

So they really have low self esteem?! How can they not have self esteem and be proud of themselves when they have excellent professional feedback, rich social life and other people (sexually) attracted to them?

 

So this is why these people usually have extreme care about their looks, about what others say or think and are in a constant nervous state regarding their career?

 

Yes it's very annoying! Because one ends up looking at them as hypocrites and needy babies.

 

Because they still feel "not enough". If they truly felt it they would not need validation from outside sources. True validation is self validation...and cannot be degraded by an outside source.

 

Sadly...most people look to how others view them.

[mhowe]

I went to an Ivy league college. At our opening convocation speech...the dean of students said:

 

90% of the people in this room graduated in the top 10% of their class.

90% of the people in this room will not do that here."

 

How smart do you think 90% of the people suddenly felt?

[pippy longstocking]

Some people ..I would actually go as far as to say "most" need approval of some sort ...I am not discluding myself from this either ... I have just learnt the hard way to accept ME ..but mostly people need validation ..no matter how talented or beautiful or what a high achiever they are .....it's not enough unless you hear it ..again and again .

[jonyyy]

I know eveyone likes to be complemented and encouraged but I'm talking about the kind of people who although there's this obvious reality they purposefully display the opposite. You know that fishing for compliments phase in dating...? Well they basically do it all the time with people close to them.

 

For example my Ex was a brilliant professional in her field (not talking about making money here). She continuously had positive feedback from her superiors and the scientific community and yet she frequently displayed to me and to her superior co worker insecurity, doubted value, that she wasn't that good etc.

 

I also have a close female friend who's very attractive, has everythng in its place. Yet she sees herself as fat and unactrative (when lots of guys turn their heads when she passes by).

 

So it always has been to me a mystery as to why these people twist reality, are they masochists?? But now I see it's self esteem related. My conclusion is, it appears that there are people with real reasons for self esteem issues (for instance people with harsh families or job environment) and then the ones with self inducted self esteem issues.

[mhowe]

Wrong again.

 

Harsh families or job environment --- or lack of skills --- can cause self esteem issues.

 

Successful, good looking, smart people can have self esteem issues that are not "self induced".

Many of these people have been "driven" to success or extremely fit --- or what have you --- because they were told as young children "you are not the pretty one,

you are not as smart as your brother, you will never amount to anything".

 

So, they "heard" that --- and made it their goal to be "the best". However, becoming the best doesn't erase the tapes of being told you would never amount

to anything. The only thing that elimanates low self esteem is confidence....and sometimes a good therapist.

 

I would suggest you take a break from judging others when you don't have a clue what created them.

[jonyyy]

Aren't there people with self induced self esteem issues like I described?

 

Or these people might be perfeccionists! So what they do/are is never good enough. Do perfeccionists usually have low self esteem?

[mhowe]

Do you live your life making glaring generalizations about the behavior of others?

 

Why would anyone "self induce" low self esteem? No one would.

 

No --- some perfectionsist have OCD. Some may have lower confidence and so do the best job possible.

And many perfectionsists have very high self esteem ---- many doctors, for instance.

 

Are people who make sweeping generalizations prone to low self esteem?