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Go NC or continue as I am to win back ex?


jimbob1966

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Please help me make the biggest decision of my life, I feel this is a vital point between us.

 

Ex split up with me 18 months into a relationship, the relationship got too much for her emotionally, and there were things like bickering about certain things, and she grew resentful about things that happened between us, she loves me very much, and I’ve tried to convince her that we can work but she maintains that our relationship made her an emotional wreck towards the end of it and that she doesn’t want a relationship or to date anyone else at the moment, she wants time to work on herself (potentially up to a year). We had about 2 weeks a month ago of no contact and she said that she missed me etc etc, we actually met on valentines and it was nice, but I felt her barriers had gone up and it wasn’t like it was before. We are in regular contact and she’s said that she’s not saying no to reconciling in the future, but she isn’t working towards it, after a discussion recently I heard the classic line of “I love you but I’m not in love with you”

 

I know she wants me in her life as at least a friend, but I don’t want to be friendszoned, what is my best chance of reconciliation? bearing in mind we are currently on good terms.

 

Do I be around when she needs me, i.e stay friends and meetup once in a while for a catchup. And hope her feelings develop for me again?

Do I go no contact without telling her?

Do I go no contact and tell her contact me if you are open to the potential of dating in the future?

 

By the way, I am getting on with my life, I’ve self improved loads, fixed a lot of things that contributed to the failure of the relationship, and when we meet up she said I seemed happier and more confident, so I’m doing all the right things, except for trying to persuade her that we can work since we split (but I’m going to stop that now) I’ve been dating other girls, and am trying not to think about it too much, but I genuinely feel that we are meant to be together. Any advice would be fantastic, thanks

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If you are happy "getting on with your life" then continue that path and I would recommend NC. She is the one "unsure" at this point. You cannot fix that and do all the emotional lifting in this R. It is one-sided. NC so you can continue to heal/grown/learn what you need to. She needs to figure out her own journey and you do not need to be the "friend" to help her along. She is a big girl and can find g/f's to help out in her process.

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If you are happy "getting on with your life" then continue that path and I would recommend NC. She is the one "unsure" at this point. You cannot fix that and do all the emotional lifting in this R. It is one-sided. NC so you can continue to heal/grown/learn what you need to. She needs to figure out her own journey and you do not need to be the "friend" to help her along. She is a big girl and can find g/f's to help out in her process.

 

I mean i'm sure i'd be happyer with her by my side as a gf but that's not possible so I guess NC is best, she's bound to message in a few days, would you recommend telling her anything or just not replying, because that seems a bit harsh.

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I would recommend telling her, just be honest with how you feel. Tell her exactly what you said above and explain that its hard for you to be with her and be supportive without being kept hoping that maybe she will change her mind.

 

Im guessing you guys were very close prior to the breakup so I think she would appreciate if you were honest with her. Letting her know you care and that you think she's wonderful will not hurt but you also have to establish what you think is best for yourself and hope she understands.

 

I know this is something I would want from my boyfriend if I chose to break it off with him. Im currently experiencing a lot of emotional difficulties in our relationship and feel its more a 'right person, wrong time' and 'i need to figure myself out' sort of thing so that would be my reason for breaking it off.

You don't just magically stop caring for the person you love, and she sounds like she still really cares for you.

 

The best is to be supportive of her need of time and space, and just to distance yourself and to focus on you

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No disrespect intended to other posters but DO NOT tell her how you feel again... She already knows you want her back!! Doing this is only going to push her even further away than she already is now... Its time to man up and act like you are just fine and dandy not to have her in your life! You will be 100 times more attractive to her, trust me. This will take time and a lot of self control to pull off... and even if she doesn't come back it will at least help with rebuilding your self confidence that you can take with you in your next relationship. And yes, there will be another relationship.

 

Just don't feel so compelled to explain yourself to her. It really doesn't matter unless she specifically asks you anyway.. Keep your cards close to your chest and stay NC!!!

 

Aqua

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No disrespect intended to other posters but DO NOT tell her how you feel again... She already knows you want her back!! Doing this is only going to push her even further away than she already is now... Its time to man up and act like you are just fine and dandy not to have her in your life! You will be 100 times more attractive to her, trust me. This will take time and a lot of self control to pull off... and even if she doesn't come back it will at least help with rebuilding your self confidence that you can take with you in your next relationship. And yes, there will be another relationship.

 

Just don't feel so compelled to explain yourself to her. It really doesn't matter unless she specifically asks you anyway.. Keep your cards close to your chest and stay NC!!!

 

Aqua

 

 

Agree...you cannot "win your ex back".

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Agree...you cannot "win your ex back".

 

thanks for input, I agree with the no contact method, i don't want to be the wuss praying she'll change her mind, it's been almost 2 months since breakup and I feel stronger, my question is if i'm not telling her to only contact if she's open to possibilility of the relationship, how will i know if she's thinking about giving things another go if i'm not replying? and how long would you go nc for, at least 6 months?

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This situation is a MIRROR image of the one i was just in. I tried to be the just friends thing and see where it went, i just got hurt! Please trust me on this, go NC and if she wants you back she will come to you! I have been 3 weeks NC now and its been hard but i know its worth it, things always work out as they should, private message me if you want more details of what happened in my situation.

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thanks for input, I agree with the no contact method, i don't want to be the wuss praying she'll change her mind, it's been almost 2 months since breakup and I feel stronger, my question is if i'm not telling her to only contact if she's open to possibilility of the relationship, how will i know if she's thinking about giving things another go if i'm not replying? and how long would you go nc for, at least 6 months?

 

what I told my ex at the time of BU is, "I am going to proceed as if I am never going to see you again". I have been NC since that day, 2 months ago. In my case, she ended it so she needs to be the one to fix it. IMO, growups know this and understand what needs to be done. You going NC is not going to keep her from contacting you down the road if she really wants to be with you. NC is for you, not her. You need to move forward to take care of your serenity. That is your #1 priority at this point. Down the road, you might feel that you do not want her back. Get to that place where you either way you will be okay.

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One of my main concerns is that by going completely no contact, it might make her miss having someone close, and that will lead her to search for a replacement. Whereas if you stay in touch every few months and meet she'll be more likely to see how i've changed and i might be more at the forefront of her mind.

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One of my main concerns is that by going completely no contact, it might make her miss having someone close, and that will lead her to search for a replacement. Whereas if you stay in touch every few months and meet she'll be more likely to see how i've changed and i might be more at the forefront of her mind.

 

oh well...how about this...you go replace her with someone more suited for you at the right time. keep focused on you, your healing. you are powerless over what she does or does not do. you can only control you. NC is not going to sway her either way. If she does not come back, then there was not enough love. The best place to be is where you heal up and you have a choice. Where if she comes back you can go either way because you are a newer version of you, a stronger person.

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dated 16 months. great connection, amazing woman, but had a hard time really letting me in and being vulnerable (she admitted to this) BU Dec 22nd, been NC since day 1. She was "unsure about the future and admitted to things get close/good, she gets scared and pulls away". no fights/no arguing/no cheating...just her being scared and avoidant. told her this was fixable, we have a good thing, lets work on this together. she refused and wanted to "go at it alone". she had starting seeing a therapist in Nov. It has been hard, but a beautiful journey. Yes I still love her, but there is nothing I can do about her. I am powerless. Today the anger is leaving. I have more love in my heart than ever/awareness/I am awake. It is beautiful. I still pray for her and wish her the best. I have continued to do the things I did during the R and added a few things new. But even before I met her I saw a therapist, read books, worked out, spent time with my son, prayed/meditated, journaled, hung out with solid men, in 12 step programs/alanon ect. I just kept on this same path. Like my buddy said, "you have the right business model, keep doing what you are doing, you do not need to change for a woman, you just need the right partner"

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It's tough, it's sounds like your ex was similiar to mine in some ways, in that they didn't have the skillset to be able to resolve problems and they let their emotions get the better of them, For me with a few adjustments and the changes that I've been making and she plans to make there literally wouldn't of been anymore problems between us, but unfortunately they don't go with logic they go with gut feeling, and the words of "I feel like i was destined to meet you" turn into "I don't think i'll Love anyone more than you, but I feel there are better suited partners for each of us"

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Jimbob, I want to give you another option to think about. NIC.

 

By never initiating contact, you're able to respond in a light way, end the conversation first, and keep the door open a crack. Carry on as if you were NC, end the conversation/message exchange first/only respond to every other message and never, ever return a call. It's not a cold shoulder, it's more like being too busy to engage fully. For this to work, the tone must always be optimistic, happy, and nonchalant.

 

The thinking behind this is that it doesn't make the object of our affection feel there's no hope, should s/he decide they may need to reconsider, and allows her/him to miss you by creating space where you used to be.

 

Just something to consider.

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1. No because you will be acting as her safety net while she finds her "single" feet. You are telling her that you are there for her no matter what. This helps make the transition from being in a relationship to being single easier for her whilst making it harder for you.

 

2. In this case I don't think this is a good idea because I think you will always be second-guessing your decision to go "cold turkey" without an explanation, thus hindering your progress forwards.

 

3. I personally have never understood the point in anyone telling an ex to only contact them should they want to reconcile as that is tantamount to saying you are sitting around waiting for them. Not a good look! All you need to say is that you need space to heal.

 

Your focus cannot truly be on fixing yourself when your real focus is to get her back. You are only superficially fixing these things to prove to her you have changed. By trying to persuade her to come back she would have seen straight through you and all that confidence and happiness that she first saw would have disappeared and you wouldn't have achieved anything. You need to work on these things for YOURSELF. It shouldn't have anything to do with your ex.

 

 

 

If they had any kind of close relationship at all then I think she would know how he felt about her. She would have also know how he felt at the point of break-up …. and bearing in mind they have since met up and he has continued to persuade her to give things another chance she can't possible NOT know how he feels about her. There has to come a time when he has to start putting HIMSELF first and not the person who dumped him. If she ended the relationship then she has no right to expect him to keep telling her how wonderful she is … and to be honest she hasn't expressed that need from him. He won't achieve anything at this moment in time by telling her anything else.

 

 

 

I couldn't agree more. We see this time and time again on eNA. People convince themselves that if they choose to cut all ties with their ex then they will risk losing that person for good. They forget that their ex has already chosen to take that risk themselves by ending the relationship in the first place. For some reason they also seem to think their ex will lose the ability to communicate the fact that their feelings have changed back again (should that be the case) and they put the onus on themselves to stay in touch to make reconciliation happen. They forget that their ex has their own emotional journey to go on and the best course of action is to let them face their emotions. Our continued presence in their life (and our constant declarations of love) just relieves them of any pain they may otherwise feel and makes their journey onwards much easier.

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Well when it comes to actually ignoring their contact this is where things get hazy for me and I have ended up in NIC, as AutumnBorn mentioned above. I think you have to stay very grounded to have NIC but with all the will in the world the heart still gets filled with hope every time you hear from them. With my previous ex I eventually had to tell him to stop contacting me ... and he did. I found it almost impossible to ignore him but I also knew NC was the only way forward.

 

I'm not telling you to respond to her by any means ... my break-up was a tad different from more usual circumstances. Whatever, NC is really the only way forwards and if her texts or emails aren't saying anything significant then they probably aren't worth replying to. She should understand why you need to have space of your own.

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URGENT ADVICE NEEDED, I want to send this e-mail, instead of going NC, it's from the heart and I feel it's better than simply ignoring her messages, what do you think?

 

"I’ve changed so much in these past 2 months alone, this weekend for example I’ve achieved more in 3 days than I would have in a month probably before, I feel happy and confident, I have 3 presentations to do in different countries in the next month and I don’t fear it whatsoever, I am pretty much a better person in all aspects and I can only see that improving.

 

I have been trying to figure out what to do for the best, I love you too much to gradually fade out of your life, you know I saw us starting a home together and me giving you a kiss on your crease reassuring you when we would go for a babyscan. I feel that what we could have is the sort of love you get once in a lifetime.

 

I thought that we could have fun dates, and gradually reconnect, but that can’t happen, because you need to go on a journey alone to discover yourself, what you want and to develop.

 

I do have faith and believe what will be will be, of course I would love to be part of your life, and would love you to share with me this new stage of my life, but I would rather risk losing you forever than watch you from the sidelines.

 

If you feel that you can overcome the barriers of our old relationship and can feel comfortable enough to catchup with each other, with the potential of dating then you know where to reach me.

 

I love you, please don’t respond to this email."

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I'm confused. I don't know whether this is a goodbye letter because you are now going to cut all ties or an attempt to reach out to her in the hope that your words will have an affect on her. You said "instead of going NC" but you end the email saying "please don't respond to this email". Are you going NC or are you preparing to friendzone yourself and not go NC?

 

I'm really not sure what your message is because on one hand you said you didn't want to fade from her life but, on the other hand, you said you would rather risk losing her forever than watch her from the sidelines.

 

If you think NC is the best way forward for you then you could simplify this by just telling her that you think it is better that you don't have any contact anymore because you need your own space to heal and move on with your life … and I would only send it if she gets in touch with you again, first.

 

If your intention is to try to one last shot (as they always are) to woo her back then you have to remember that she has asked for space (or rather time to work on herself, whatever that means). She has also told you that although she loves you, she is not IN love with you. Therefore this email will not be received in the way you intend it to be received. The last thing she probably wants to think about is baby scans or for you to tell her what kind of love YOU think you can have. I think it will do more harm than good if you send this email.

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well i've sent it, It was my intention to say I don't want to go into friendszone and would rather stop communication now then if she feels differently in the future she can contact me and we can see what's up, I mean it might not be ideal but she knows me and she would of known what i meant, and if she misses me so much she wants to get in touch, she will. At least now i can continue without worrying or hopeing.

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