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She doesn't want a commitment


mikeninety1

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Yesterday we broke up on mutual terms with my girlfriend both 23. The story is I love her and want stability in my life after years of single life. Before I met my girlfriend she got out from a 2 year relationship with a guy 20-25 years older and this was her one and only relationship.

We began seeing eachother 3 months ago... a few weeks after her break up. One night we kissed and the chemistry was there, with time I fell for her and confessed that I love her, she told me she loves me as a person but doesnt have the capacity to give herself to me because she was stuck in a toxic relationship for 2 years where she was devoting herself completely and the guy wasn't. Since then she knew I was giving more than she was giving me.

 

She tells me we cannot be together because 'we are not equal' as in the relationship isn't evolving equally i.e. me going faster. She needs time to focus on herself (sort of selfish i don't know tell me)

 

We get on really well, and she still wants to be friends...I told her that either I have to lose contact with her or accept the fact she hasn't got the capacity to love me now.

It's confusing because she still went on to kiss me, cuddle, tease me...even performed oral sex on me. We really wanted to have sex but she had her period.

 

I've got a gut feeling to forget her and move on, but she still wants to keep in contact, she still wants to kiss me but if I'm uncomfortable I should tell her to stop doing so... I don't understand

 

What Should I do?

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She lives 5 minutes walking distance from me so for the past 3 months we were seeing eachother frequently. I may have come accross as needy/desperate because I wanted to spend most of my free time with her. Indeed she has a low paid job, works alot of hours and hasnt got much time for herself.

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She's always told me that she feels happy with me. I didn't give her time to get over her the pain of her last relationship i.e. to cry, to recover. I knew her one week and we jumped into bed together and it escalated too fast because I selfishly wanted it my way. I didn't think about giving her the space she truly needed

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We began seeing eachother 3 months ago... a few weeks after her break up.

 

She's nowhere near relationship material right now. Research 'rebound' and don't position yourself for that. Rebounds get used as a distraction until the one who just broke up is ready to go off and explore single life--then the rebound is cast off like a used bandage.

 

If you want to preserve any potential with this girl far ~far~ into the future, walk away now and let her play out her stuff with other temporary people. Just explain that you envision being together someday, so the friendzies stuff isn't on the table with you, and wish her the best while you still think fondly of one another.

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She's always told me that she feels happy with me. I didn't give her time to get over her the pain of her last relationship i.e. to cry, to recover. I knew her one week and we jumped into bed together and it escalated too fast because I selfishly wanted it my way. I didn't think about giving her the space she truly needed

 

I think you assume just because the feelings are there with you that they would be there for her "if only the time was right". You aren't more than a distraction to be honest. What does it matter anyway? It's over, man. Move on. No relationship here.

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She tells me we cannot be together because 'we are not equal' as in the relationship isn't evolving equally i.e. me going faster. She needs time to focus on herself (sort of selfish i don't know tell me)

No, it's not always selfish. You both are still fairly young and got your lives ahead of you. perhaps one of you wants to travel or take a job somewhere (overseas) and figures he/she can't bring you along. Perhaps she wants to be able to find herself without the anxiety of pleasing/maintaining a relationship.

 

The reality is that most 23 year olds are not ready for relationship commitments. It entirely depends on the person and their situation. Your girlfriend has made it very clear that she is not ready to settle, and that's ok.

 

 

Here's where she IS being selfish and that it's not ok:

We get on really well, and she still wants to be friends...I told her that either I have to lose contact with her or accept the fact she hasn't got the capacity to love me now.

It's confusing because she still went on to kiss me, cuddle, tease me...

She just wants you as her "buddy" (you know what I mean). All we know, she could be hitting it with some other guy too and just broke the relationship off to not feel guilty/get caught cheating. IDK, there are so many possibilities but she isn't choosing the honorable way of backing out of a relationship at this point. Have some respect for yourself by not letting her treat you like this. Please. You have given her every indication that you want commitment, she does not respect that and is therefore not treating you as her friend- she is using you for sex.

 

It is time to cut this one loose. Make it clear to her that she is either with you in a solid, committed relationship or you will not be within her contact. That is a promise that you will be keeping and make sure she knows that. Stick by it through refusing to respond to her calls, texts, e-mails, etc. She will get the hint and go away. Straight, single guys do not keep girls as "friends"- they want beyond that.

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