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I want my ex back, but he's taken.


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Hello everyone,

 

I feel so sad when I think of this....

 

So my Fiance broke up with me in 2009, after 6 1/2 years together. We were high school sweethearts and each others first sexual partners. We met when we were 15 and I am now 26. Towards the end our relationship had been on a downward spiral for about a year, our lust for life and each other had died. And there was no point in continuing to be sad together.

 

The main reason that the relationship suffered is because when he was 17 he cheated. I had a really hard time with this, and made his life hell for it. Sometimes we'd have good months, and other months would be awful. I couldn't trust him. So I figured if he was dumb enough to cheat, and dumb enough to dump me, I should move on.

 

I ended up dating another guy for 4 years, and broke up with him because I never stopped loving my ex.

 

Now that almost 5 years have passed since my ex and I split up, I am no longer ashamed to admit to the world that I am still in love with the man that cheated, lied, and broke off our engagement. I completely forgive him. He was so young when he made his mistakes, and I now know that they were way less worse than I imagined. And that I was too codependent on him for happiness.

 

Anyways, it took a lot of courage to tell him how I feel.

 

The problem is that he's been dating a girl for 2 1/2 years. And he wants to see me in person before he makes any rash decision. He does not want sex, he just wants to know if the chemistry is still there.

 

We've been talking and he feels guilty for not breaking up with this girl long ago. He says his feelings for her are "different".

That for a long time he thought he didn't love her because he doesn't have what he had with me. So he made a decision to stop looking for that passion. And to commit to her because this "new" feeling was a mature and grown up love.

She seems like a lovely girl. She doesn't give him a hard time about anything, and she wants to get married and have kids. He says his life with her is and would be very comfortable.

 

I wont be seeing him for a couple of weeks and I'm trying to keep my focus on other things, but it's so heartbreaking that he might not take me back. I know it took too long for me to forgive him, and G-d knows he tried to get me back a million times, but I just wasn't ready. I was still scared. Im afraid I might lose him forever because now its too late.

 

The problem is I just got a job in the middle east and he really wants me to go because its a great opportunity, I would only commit to year. And he says he'd be willing to relocate for our relationship if I chose to stay longer.

 

If he decides to be with me, how long should I give him to break up with her? I don't want to push him away, and selfishly I'd love it if he broke up with her immediately, but they live together and they have pets together. And Im moving all the way to the MIDDLE EAST for goodness sake!

My family thinks its shady he is talking to me behind his girlfriends back, and they don't think I know what I want, or that I should trust him. But my soul is loud and clear, I don't care if its risky, life is too short not to take risks!

 

 

I love him more than I want to admit, he is definitely the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. We would support each other in everything and our communication has matured because of life's lessons. Life could be incredible with him by my side!

 

I know how to stand on my own 2 feet, and take responsibility for my own happiness, but this brings me to tears. Timing can be so cruel in life! Do any of you have advice? Maybe Im being too selfish, or too hopeful? I'm losing my mind over thinking this.

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It's wrong for him to go sniffing around you while he has a gf. Fundamentally, I don't think he has changed. It sounds like he gives himself room to break relationship boundaries when he wants.

 

I think the story in your head you have created around him will disappoint you in the end.

 

I would advise not meeting him, going to afghanistan, and getting into therapy if you can to learn to let go of him/the past.

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I think he hasn't changed at all --- he is basically willing to cheat on her...after he gives you a test drive.

I also think that you being focused on him for the past 5 years is as about unhealthy as it gets.

 

Of course he is talking to you behind her back --- he is a liar and a cheat!!!

Your soul is muddled. Nothing clear at all.

 

Life will continue to be him looking around when he is bored.

 

Take the job and move on with your life....I guarantee he will remain in touch. And not leave her.

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>>My family thinks its shady he is talking to me behind his girlfriends back,

 

He is! He cheated on you when you were together. And now he's talking to you behind his current live-in GFs back. This guy doesn't take commitment seriously, and he's proving it yet again.

 

If he were honorable about this, he wouldn't be talking to other women behind his current partner's back. Do you really want to be with a guy who does this? In another few years, he could be calling his other exes and talking to them behind YOUR back about leaving you for them.

 

You are blinded chasing the goal of getting him back, without really thinking about what is going on here. From the second he has a thought that he might want to be with someone else rather than his current GF, he should have broken up with her before discussing that with anybody. Or he should have gone to a counselor to talk about his feelings and what he wanted to do rather than chatting you up behind her back.

 

So you've got a liar and cheat on your hands and you're avoiding seeing that. So he will probably try to see you and then you'll have some furtive and intense conversations about how attracted you still are and a trip down memory lane, then before you know it he'll be sleeping with both you and her and telling you how he can't leave her just yet because he loves the dog (or cat or whatever else they share together). Then he'll string both of you along and be in the catbird seat with two women fawning all over him. And you'll be the side piece while he gives you empty promises.

 

My suggestion is this: If you do meet him, make it in a public place like a restaurant. And tell him that you will not see him or talk to him again until AFTER he breaks up with his current GF and moves out. And if he doesn't do that, then you're done and he had his chance to be with you and instead chose her. Do not under any circumstances keep talking to him or seeing him if he's still living with her and lying to her and cheating on her emotionally (and eventually physically) with her.

 

It is interesting that you were totally outraged about him cheating on you, but you're not too disturbed about him cheating on his current GF with you. So you've lowered yourself down into a big steaming vat of emotional cheating with him. Really an unsavory place to be, and most likely you are so busily fantasizing about him that you can't see he's still a liar and a cheat after all these years, so getting back with him won't change anything.

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Youre all right, thank you for the advice. I know that what he is doing is wrong. I just felt like it was a grey area, because someone is usually taken in these situations. It just breaks my heart that if he was single, obviously things would be easier. I could never forgive myself if I slept with him while hes dating her. And the conversations are definitely emotional cheating. But you guys are right. The only thing he could do to prove himself is break up with her regardless of what happens with me, or stay with her... and never speak intimately to me again.

 

I have to admit I dont take their relationship seriously even though its not for me to judge. And that opinion has made it easy for me to be disrespectful towards their relationship.

 

Ive been telling myself that the entire purpose of dating, is to find the person you want to marry. If they were married, I wouldnt have said anything to him.

 

One of you mentioned it is unhealthy for me to still feel this way about him after 5 years and that I should get therapy. I hadnt even considered it a bad thing until now. I guess I thought it was true love.

 

 

 

I wish I had more patience, and that I was better at going with the flow.

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>> have to admit I dont take their relationship seriously even though its not for me to judge.

 

He . is. living . with . her . and . they . share . a . life . and . pets . together. and . for . 2.5 . years.

 

How can you not take that seriously? Honey, you're in deep denial here. Perhaps that girl he cheated on with you when he was with you didn't take your relationship seriously either. You're just conveniently blanking this other woman out because she doesn't fit into your plan. And perhaps that other girl when he was with you told herself, 'hey, he's not married so I can try to take him from her.' Really, you're not seeing this clearly at all.

 

It is not true love if he's willing to cheat on you, or is willing to cheat with you while he's still living/with another partner. What you have is a case of obsessive idealization of him, without REALLY accepting what is going on or seeing him for what he is. He's extra spicy for you now because he's forbidden fruit, but even if you got him back, you'd always be looking over your shoulder wondering what other woman he might be talking to about cheating or leaving you for her. You know he's done it, he's cheated on you and now he's cheating with you so that is just who he is, a cheater and a liar. He's far better as a fantasy than he is as a real person/partner.

 

True love isn't just a feeling, it is a life choice, and a decision that involves so many other factors like loyalty and fidelity and planning a life together and being devoted to that. He's only devoted to himself and his latest whim, whether that is you or some other woman. And he certainly has no trouble at all lying, deceiving, and covering up a double life where he's with one woman and pretending to be loyal to her, but cheating and sneaking around behind her back with another woman.

 

Keep in mind that YOUR emotions for him won't fix HIS character defects. Character is well proven to be set by the time a child is around 8 years old, and if he doesn't have any character at this point, odds are very high that he'll never develop it or see how wrong his behavior really is. He may talk a good game if he's caught at it, but he'll be right bad at the bad behavior again when it suits him, as you are discovered with him right now. He had no trouble cheating on you, and now he is having no trouble cheating with you.

 

I agree with the other posters who say get some counseling to explore why you're in such deep denial and hanging onto a fantasy in the face of all kinds of realistic contradictions to that fantasy. You're anxiously trying to get back with someone who is a liar and a cheat, and is in fact living with someone else at this point in time. That's not really a rational decision and is based on fantasy rather than a clear headed look at what is going on in this situation.

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Well if tgats not a cold shower I dont know what is.

 

I need to tell you all, that clearly I have some doubts, if not I wouldn't be posting on here.

 

But the most useful part of everything you said is: " He's only devoted to himself".

OMG, that hit me like a ton of bricks, thank you so much. Its crazy how love can be blinding. Biology at its best! He is doing everything that is good for him. And not even considering the damage he is causing me.

 

Thank you so so much!

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