mojomar1213 Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 My girlfriend and I have have been together for 6 months. She is 30 with a 5 year old and I'm 38 with a 19 year old. In december she broke it off for 2 weeks cuz she felt off but loves me as she put it. We ended up getting back together and she was sorry and told me she would never leave again. We both have talked about having a baby and we did get her pregnant. It was a shock even though we planned it but we both settled into it. We have been excited going over names and we have told everyone including our kids who are excited for the new baby. We don't live together but plan to. I'm have been going through a long divorce that is about to end. But we planned for her and her son to move in about a month from now. Our kids are excited about that to. Anyway we have talked about starting our lives and she was really excited. She has told me she loves me with all her heart and how lucky she was to find me. I feel the same. We are like best friends and are a lot alike. Then yesterday she suddenly says she is not sure if we are doing the right thing. That she feels like somthing is not right and tgat is a huge problem for her. That she is confussed and needs tu me to think. That she thinks she might want a abortion. 2 days ago I was the greatest man and the sweetest man she ever met and now she can't see this anymore and might want an abortion. She says she loves me but says she thinks our lifstyles are not compatible. I don't understand that at all. I treat her really well and am always there for her and comforting her because this pregnancy is making her sick all the time. I tokd her I love her and that I will never leave or treat her badly. That she is my future. She says she knows but its not about how I feel that its a feelung she has and that she is confussed. I'm devistated I don't get what hapend and how one day I'm the love of her life and now she is thinking we are not compatible and is thinking about abortion. I just don't know what to do. I told her I love her and I'm here for her Link to comment
mojomar1213 Posted February 18, 2014 Author Share Posted February 18, 2014 I need help I'm sad and confussed. I don't know what to do or what has caused this. Link to comment
Thorshammer Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 Does she have depression, does she have borderline personality disorder, or any disorder for that matter? Its not cool to diagnose people, because everything might sound like everything in our race to find the problem - but, its your option to search. Google the symptoms of her behavior. Other than that its her body. You have some thinking to do yourself... you have to start wondering if you want to have a life with someone who has ups and downs like that - that can create an unstable home, life, and children. Link to comment
mojomar1213 Posted February 18, 2014 Author Share Posted February 18, 2014 No mental issues that I know of. I don't know if its just hormones or what. She has been sick and miserable and very testy and irratable for the last few weeks. It is very weird how one day I'm the man of her dreams to now this. I don't get it at all. I'm really at a loss at what to do. I for now will just text her to check in but try and give her space. I hope she comes back around. I miss her and I do love her Link to comment
Thorshammer Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 She cut things off with you suddenly before the pregnancy, so how could it be hormones now? You guys have dated only for 6 months? That seems a bit out of the ordinary for me - hence why my experience-meter is dinging on high mental alarm mode. Link to comment
mojomar1213 Posted February 18, 2014 Author Share Posted February 18, 2014 Either way I'm at the mercy of what she wants. It is her body and I will try and support her in the choice she makes. I don't want it to be this way with her we get along great and have a good relationship. I don't want her to have a abortion and part of me thinks its a faze and will pass but I'm fearfull of the worst Link to comment
Thorshammer Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 I dont mean to make you panic, but i dated a girl that wanted me to get her pregnant despite not knowing me too well. She told me she loved me, how great i was, how amazing i was- then she tried to leave because she also said something about me and us felt off. And to be honest, if she didnt dump me out of the blue, i would have probably put serious thought into starting a family with her. She probably would have came back if i didnt tell her to get lost and to never contact me again when she told me she couldnt be with me (ya thor closed that door hard, thor always closes that door hard - but to be fair i didnt know she had bpd). The ball is on her court, all you can be is her ear and her shoulder. Support her in whatever she needs, but dont be afraid to voice your opinion. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 Wow, that OP was hard to read. Please spell check and check the grammar before posting. OK, on to the issue. Six months was waaay too soon for you guys to ever consider having a baby. A baby should come after commitment and commitment should come after a couple of years. Six months in is still the honeymoon phase and adding a pregnancy adds a lot of drama. All you can do now is support her decision. Next time, keep the rubber on when you have sex and don't plan on more kids without marriage or some sort of civil union. Link to comment
mojomar1213 Posted February 18, 2014 Author Share Posted February 18, 2014 I get the spelling and grammar is bad. I have never been good at that stuff and to top it off I wrote it upset on my phone. I understand 6 months is short and all that. I do love this girl though and she is pregnant. I just don't understand what has happened and how she changed so quick. One day I'm the greatest and the next she doesn't know Link to comment
lerenard Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 -you are together for 6 months only -you are still in the middle of your divorce -you both have kids from other relationships -she is already pregnant with your child -she broke it off one time before -she is confused about what she wants I think all together its just a great recipe for a giant disaster. I know that pregnant woman can have doubts, but she had them before the baby too. She is not sure if she wants to be with you. And no matter how nice it is to fantasize and make plans together in the beginning of a relationship, lets face it - you guys barely know each other! Half a year of dating is too soon to rely on somebody or to make somebody "your future". Now, having that baby wont fix anything. It can actually make it even worse, and then an innocent child will suffer as well. I think you need to have a very serious, down to earth talk with her about how things are NOW, not about your sand-caste-future-plans that make you so exited. Because as you see - reality doesn't match them! She is not sure if she wants to be with you and if she wants to have your baby. Link to comment
CatsMeeoow Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 I have to agree that you have jumped the gun... you were only together 6months and your divorce isn't final. YES - I know divorces can be drawn out... that's life yet you are planning on getting a woman you don't even currently living with pregnant. And, you have to wonder why things feel "off" to her. I think you are in denial about the situation you created based on highly emotional feelings and nothing that supports reality. I give you lots of hugs because regardless of how this relationship turns out you will have constant contact with her due to the two of you co-parenting. I have to caution you - perhaps a baby was all she was really after??? Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 Unfotunately this is one of the hazards of procreating with someone you don't know very well... And you really don't know her well if you've only been together 6 months and she's already pregnant. She may have rushed forward in a blitz of new love hormones, then suddenly she has doubts and breaks up with you in Dec. Then she's lonely around the holidays, so she gets back together again, thinking pregnancy will 'fix' her feelings and doubts, only to discover it doesn't. So she bolts again in a panic, thinking, 'what have I done' because this was way too rushed. I suggest that you tell her the truth: that you love her and want to be with her and want the baby. then it will have to be up to her to decide whether her doubts are transient, or whether she really did make a mistake and went too fast and just doesn't feel like the relationship will last. she already has one child with someone else, and now you have to prepare yourself for the fact that she might have this child alone and soak you for child support. With child support from 2 men, she may have enough to get by and not have to work herself, or to have an easier life with more money. Or perhaps she is telling the truth, that she realized this was a wrong turn for her and she doesn't intend to keep the baby and move forward with you. Time will tell. I would try to stay on good terms with her until you know whether she is keeping the baby or not lest you have to co-parent with her, but you need to try to stay calm and let this play out and not push her either way. You can tell her that you want her and the baby, but she is going to do what she is going to do either way, so you just have to try to pace yourself and next time don't get too involved with anyone too fast because things like this happen when you try to create an 'insta-family' with someone you barely know. Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 btw, what does she mean your 'lifestyles' aren't compatible? Are one or the other of you into drugs or drinking? If it is you who is doing that, then perhaps she is leery of hooking up with an alcoholic/drug abuser (in which case you could offer to go to rehab to try to bring her around). Or perhaps she's a party girl and doesn't want to be too tied down, in which case you need to let her go and be glad she's not bringing a child into that. So you need to get the to bottom of her 'lifestyles' comment to see if that is something either of you can fix/change or not. Link to comment
mojomar1213 Posted February 18, 2014 Author Share Posted February 18, 2014 Niether one is on drugs or drinks. She has said she doesn't come from money and is uncomfortable with people who do. I don't come from money that's for sure and this started after we went up to visit my mother and her husband. She lives in a nice house but she is not rich by any means. I don't know what she means by lifestyles. We both are home bodies and neither of us are partiers. I have also known her for 12 years. I lost contanct for awhile while I was married And we reconnected and have talked everyday all day via text for the last 7 months. She knows a lot of my family and was in my cousins wedding. Link to comment
lerenard Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 Then you need to seriously ask her why is she changing her mind now, and what are the roots of her doubts. What she means by different lifestyles and why she isn't sure about a future with you any longer. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 And we reconnected and have talked everyday all day via text for the last 7 months. She knows a lot of my family and was in my cousins wedding. And do you know what that counts for? Nothing towards dating. People are different when you date them, as you can see. Unfortunately, you don't seem to get that a) you shouldn't be 'dating' when you are still going through a divorce, b) you shouldn't be procreating outside of a solid commitment, and c) you aren't commited in a 6 month relationship with one breakup under your belts. That poor decision-making doesn't bode well for you both as parents. Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 >>She lives in a nice house but she is not rich by any means. Or perhaps she thought, hey wait, his family has a lot of money, I don't need to marry/live with him, i'll just hit him up for child support and goodies from Grandma and live with my Harley Davidson driving unemployed but hot BF instead! Really, if she loves you, that statement she made doesn't make sense. Either she's sobered up and said to herself, 'hey wait, I don't really want another kid and to be tied down spending all my Sundays having tea with my snooty mother in law' in which case she'll get an abortion and run, or else she was never honest with you and hooked up with you to get pregnant and soak some guy who has a good income and money for 18 months of child support, and has decided that now that that goal of getting pregnant has been met, she can go back to looking for a biker BF who she'll feel more happy with than a middle class dude. Link to comment
mojomar1213 Posted February 18, 2014 Author Share Posted February 18, 2014 I honestly don't think that is the case. She just texted me saying she is emotional and that she is sorry to be putting me through hell. That she loves me. And she just wishes this pregnancy wasn't messing with her so bad. That she got pregnant with her son after being with the father for six years and this is so different. I told her I love you, I want a life with you, and to raise this family with you. But if you don't want that or cant see that with me then I will support you in your decision to have an abortion. If that is what you want. That I would support her emotionally afterwards. And when it is done I will disappear if she wants. But I reiterated that I don't want any of that. All this just really sucks!!!! Link to comment
mojomar1213 Posted February 18, 2014 Author Share Posted February 18, 2014 Well she just told me she can't shake this feeling and wants to go through with the abortion. I'm extremly devistated and hurt! !!! Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 I'm so sorry... I know it is hard, but if she can't commit to you and to this baby, it is better to know now than later... I suggest you take a step back and just let her sit with her feelings for a bit so she can settle them down. I'm just sorry she didn't figure this out before trying to get pregnant or this mess wouldn't have happened and jerked you around so much... Link to comment
mojomar1213 Posted February 18, 2014 Author Share Posted February 18, 2014 Well I just got a text message saying she is not positive yet but she feels we rushed things. No crap right. I mean am I suppose to do. I guess I will distance myself from her and prepare for the worst Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted February 18, 2014 Share Posted February 18, 2014 ^ THIS. Every word in this post is worth repeating and pretty much covers it all. OP: Read this post many many times. Link to comment
mojomar1213 Posted February 18, 2014 Author Share Posted February 18, 2014 She has asked me what I would say to people. She is worried what they think I guess. She told me she just wants to date for longer before changeing lives. I understand that and I will do that, because I love her. It seems stupid to love her I know but what can I do. I wonder if she is just saying that to soften the blow. This is a trying time for me and I would have gone through with everything and taken care of her forever. When I commit I really commit and I have been hurt because I fight and don'tknow how to let go. I hate that I'm like that because it leads to such heartbreak in the end. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted February 19, 2014 Share Posted February 19, 2014 Something sounds very off with you man. It's a very unhealthy dynamic you both jumped into everything too fast and now you are trying to commit for life or something. Link to comment
mojomar1213 Posted February 19, 2014 Author Share Posted February 19, 2014 I simply said I would have stuck it out and gone through with everything. That does sound very off Link to comment
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