Boyfriend on Dating Site?

[breno]

This will be somewhat of a long story so that you may gain some context. A little over a year ago, my current boyfriend and I began talking once more, he was overseas in Japan and I had just gotten out of a long term relationship. We had dated when we were in 8th grade and hadn't really talked since then. We began to Skype and text a lot. When he came back to the states, it turned out that we both were back in our hometowns on the same day (I for spring break, he to leave). We spent that entire week together. He was pushing for something more, I wasn't ready. He flew back to San Diego, where he is stationed.

 

Months went by of on-and-off and somewhat volatile dating from a distance until I finally flew out in May after I graduated. In May, we decided to make it official. I flew back home to and shortly after we decided I should move there. The few months that passed while making the preparations to move to CA, things were still kind of volatile. A lot of arguing and crying. When I got here the struggles began to arise. I couldn't find a job, I crashed my car, bills were piling up and we were realizing maybe we don't have much in common. Despite all that, we have realized that we saw something in each other and that is what keeps us together.

 

After months of hard arguing, everything finally seemed to be falling into place. I got a job, we have been seemingly happy, finding shows to watch together and trying new things.

 

All that being said, I still felt for a number of months that he was acting shady. He doesn't ever part with his cell phone, he sleeps with it under his pillow, brings it to every room he goes into, and if he leaves it home to go running he puts a password lock on it and turns it off. This all made me wonder but I never thought much of it because he'd never really given me a reason not to trust him. Then I noticed he was liking his old girlfriend's photos on Facebook, and talking to her as well. Then one time we were watching TV on the couch and some girl texted him and he seemed to want to hide it from me. When I asked who she was he just said "an old friend."

 

Again, I never really though much of these things, moved past it and everything seemed to be great. We were happy. This past Valentine's Day he got me roses and a new dress, and we went out to a club. I was the designated driver so he got wasted. We got home, went to bed and the next day he slept until about 2PM. That morning I noticed his phone was still in his pants. I decided to look at it (I felt justified as he has done this to me while I was in the shower). I saw something so distressing. He was using the dating app Plenty of Fish. I saw it, put the phone back and stepped back. The next day I confronted him. Here's how that went down:

 

After having checked his profile out on the website, I walked into the bedroom where he was and sat down. I asked him if he ever cheated on me or was trying to. He said no. I asked why then, did he have a profile on a dating site. He asked how I knew I just said I saw it on his phone then looked it up. He said it was old, from years ago and he did use it before we made it official. I brought up the fact that this was a new phone and he said that his Google Play remembered all his apps and redownloaded them. He then said he never cheated on me, never tried, and never will. I asked if it was because he wanted to be with me, he said of course.

 

So here's my question, is this believable? The app was open on his phone which leads me to believe he was using it. Also I'm pretty sure your apps don't just redownload, you have to redownload them yourself. Should I believe him or keep trying to find something out. And how, if so?

 

I'm also worried because he will be going to Hawaii in the summer for a month...

 

Any advice or reactions are helpful.

[jenbrooks]

Don't believe him. If he was hiding and being secretive about his phone while being in a serious relationship with you, how does that work in the long run? You'll always be wondering what's on his phone, whether he's using other apps to talk to women.

 

My dear, there are plenty of apps that allow guys to have hookups with girls, and it gets really nasty. If he's already hiding then it's something fishy going on. You want to be in a comfortable relationship where there is nothing to hide between you two.

 

If the app was open on his phone when first turned it on then he used it last.

 

I was in a similar situation. My ex started to be secretive with his phone, and that lasted for six months. Two weeks after we broke up, he was on a dating website. He was probably already on some dating website while being with me, but I wasn't sure. Point is he was being secretive and he became closer to his friend, who was cheating on his wife with three other women on a dating website!

 

I hate this situation so much, it's disgusting, it's gross, and it makes me want to throw up. I had to live and breath with my ex who suddenly one day became secretive with me about his phone. DON'T DO IT. Whatever it takes, find out, understand, get some clarity, either stay or go, but find out, be sure rather than living in limbo feeling uneasy about the whole thing.

[Sedrick]

Never confront with flimsy evidence.

 

Of course they'll deny, and then what have you got?

 

Nothing.

 

Next time you find evidence, don't play your cards right away. At this point you have to monitor his activities. Start by telling him the password protection on the phone has to go or else you will. That's unacceptable in a committed relationship.

 

If he won't give you access to his phone, then you must leave him.

[HeartGoesOn]

If he won't give you access to his phone, then you must leave him.

 

If you feel the need to access his phone, the relationship is already on its way out.

[breno]

If you feel the need to access his phone, the relationship is already on its way out.

 

That's the thing, I never felt the need to until he began hiding it from me and putting passcodes in it. Then I got curious. Before that I never thought anything of it.

[jenbrooks]

If you feel the need to access his phone, the relationship is already on its way out.

 

yup, agreed. 1.5 years I never needed to, then yeah that really weird thing you feel and sense, and you start to feel the need to access his phone, then six months later, the relationship is officially over for me.

[Isandra]

I just can't understand the need to see each other's phone/mail/whatsapp I never cheated on anyone but I also have some things I want to keep private. There are personal conversations with friend in my phone and I'm the only one who gets to see them.

The moment my boy/girlfriend (I'm bisexual) want to check my phone because he/she doesn't trust me the relationship is 90% over.

 

In your situation.....I don't believe his story but I agree, if you feel the need to check his phone because there is no trust.....than there is nothing to build a relationship on anymore.