I don't feel sexually attracted to my boyfriend....please help.

[pampam000]

I need some advice. I am a 20yo female and I have been in a relationship with my bf for almost 2 years. When I met him initially I didn't feel any sort of attraction or "spark", for lack of a better word. Or in other words I never got that "can't-wait-to-see-him/butterflies-in-my-stomach" type feeling with him. As we got to know each other more over a few dates I became attracted to him as a person and his MIND but never felt like I "wanted him" physically. I decided to start dating him anyways because in the past I always dated guys who I was very sexually attracted to, but they were complete losers in every other way and with him it was so different...we connected instantly on so many different levels! I figured I would look past the lack of "spark" feeling on my part and be with him because of all his amazing qualities as a person and the way our personalities somehow seem to complete each other.

 

We have sex and it's great and everything if you put it down to the facts...we spice it up and he does all the right things. It's just that it would be so much better if it was someone ELSE doing those things, someone whom I actually felt that passion for. And it's not that it faded away over time...it was never there to begin with on my part. I can't just learn to feel that attraction/butterflies in the stomach feeling like I thought I could over time. I have to fantasize about something/someone else in order to get turned on, EVERY time we have sex because quite frankly, my bf just doesn't turn me on. There's nothing wrong with him or anything. He is good looking...the attraction just isn't there. I feel it is unfair to both of us for me to feel this way and lately I've been pushing him away because of how much I've been thinking about it. He is intuitive and can tell something is wrong and he even asked if I even find him attractive and I told him I do but I'm just in a funk right now and feeling stressed, which was a lie. He then told me to figure out my feelings and get back to him....

 

I love him to death, but it's almost like I love him more as a best friend then as a lover. I have no desire to kiss, cuddle or have any sort of romantic touching with him at all I realized but I do it anyways because it's kinda nice and somewhat enjoyable when I'm in the mood and because I'm just used to it! It's more of a duty then anything for me most of the time. I feel comfortable in a companionship type of way with him but don't desire him as a lover. It's almost like I've been hiding this fact from MYSELF and denying it for so long and now I can't hide it anymore. I don't know what to do. I feel like if he was "the one" for me that I wouldn't have so much doubt. Yet imagining him not in my life makes my heart break. He is my best friend, my rock...my everything. I can't imagine my life without him in it but I can't imagine only having sex with him for the rest of my life. He is right for me on so many levels but just that one aspect and I am finally coming to terms with the fact that it's quite positively just not something that can be changed. What am I supposed to do?

[iDrum]

"He is my best friend, my rock...my everything." - Very important

"I can't imagine only having sex with him for the rest of my life." - Not as important

 

Look I'm not trying to dictate how you should evaluate your relationships because everyones' is different, but here is my opinion.

 

 

You've got an amazing guy who cares and loves you. Don't get me wrong, your intimate time is a special thing, but should never be a factor to leave someone. I'd rather be a guy who isn't very good in bed but knows how to treat my women, than a guy who's amazing at sex but treats my women like crap. Talk to him about it. Try NEW things. Remember it's easy to take longterm relationships (which is what you're in) for granted. You sometimes go into a routine and "get used" to the other person. But you just have to help him help you remind each other why you love one another. His love for you will get you through the tough times in life. Not the sex.

[Perrin83]

OP says he does all the right things, she just wishes that it was someone else.

 

The other (read: best) option, of course, is to find someone that rocks her world AND treats her right.

[Iggles]

Remember it's easy to take longterm relationships (which is what you're in) for granted. You sometimes go into a routine and "get used" to the other person. But you just have to help him help you remind each other why you love one another. His love for you will get you through the tough times in life. Not the sex.

 

Nope. No. Not at all.

 

OP, that advice may work if you felt something for him once before and he was your husband of 20 years. But you are 20 years old. Just starting out in life. Staying with someone you're not attracted for the rest of your life is a recipe for misery. If you stick with him and get married, the chances this poor guy will get cheated on is very high.

 

It's has nothing to do with you and your values. But years of being married to a roommate/best friend will take its toll. You guy is no match for when you eventually meet someone you are highly compatible with -- including are highly sexually attracted to.

 

The difference between best friends and lovers is sex. It's not everything but it's an important component of a romantic relationship. Without a sexual connection, you feel like something is missing. It's like dating someone you don't feel an emotional connection. Not many people would tell you, "it doesn't matter you never talk, can't confide in one another, he doesn't get your humor, you don't get his, and spending time together is like watching paint dry. He's a good guy so none of that is important!"

 

Friendship, shared values, emotional connection, intimacy, and sexual attraction are all important components of a romantic relationship!

 

OP, it's time to move on. Stop forcing it. He would be gutted to know you are never turned on by him. Would you want to be with someone you're crazy about if you found out they didn't feel the same way about you?

 

You would be doing both of you a favor, so you can both find people who are better matches.

[Jetta]

Break up, love does not grow it's either there when you start or it's not as your finding out. Don't make the mistake I made a marry the wrong man because he loves you. It's the wrong path to take. There are good guys who will make you swoon in the bedroom too. You just haven't found that guy yet. And you are young, time to release this fish to catch the right fish for you.

[JA0371]

I've been in this exact same position...and it's tough..,because it IS hard to find someone who fits the bill on ALL these aspects..so it's truly hard for me to even advise the OP on what to do. My only advice is to be honest...no matter what. If your bf asks you to he honest...then be open about your concerns. This doesn't mean you need to be hurtful..but you need to be happy too. I know you don't want to hurt your bf but an open and honest dialogue will definetely help...maybe he already suspects the same thing.

 

Bottom line is..you both deserve to he happy and fulfilled. Honesty is the first step....

[Jetta]

Okay I have another thought, there is a book on sex. My brother read it as a young adult and it gives positions, ideas, etc. My parents gave it to him so he would be able to please his wife some day. Find it and give it to him. Maybe that will help.

[Perrin83]

Okay I have another thought, there is a book on sex. My brother read it as a young adult and it gives positions, ideas, etc. My parents gave it to him so he would be able to please his wife some day. Find it and give it to him. Maybe that will help.

 

That's only slightly creepy.

[missmarple]

You're only 20 years old. You've been trying for 2 years. I'm sorry but it's not working. Leave him now before you meet someone else who does rock your world..because you will..and things will be much worse for both of you.

[offplanet]

If you have the talk with him maybe don't tell him he doesn't turn you on, but put it like you see him like a best friend. I agree it'd be terrible to settle forever at 20 yrs old for someone for whom you don't have a spark. It wouldn't be fair on him either.