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How to get out of this toxic abusive relationship.so down. need some advice :(!


jessika22

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Hi Guys,

 

So im new on here.. I feel weird for coming on this site.. but I realised theres got to be lots of people going through my situation. I want to explain this as quick as possible but thinking about it, i could write for days on end!. I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years now. after 9 months he told me he loves me. i felt it before that but never wanted to say. anyway. we ended up moving in together. i didnt start to realise what he was about until we lived together. he started to become controlling. tell me what i could and could not wear, criticize my every move. would make the smallest thing into an argument and then split up with me. and example of an argument would be i didnt make him a sandwich, and i should know to make him a sandwich, he should not have to ask. women should do that for their man. he would split up with me and i would BEG him back and i mean after 10 rejected calls i would text and text and he would give me the long list of consequences and i would say ok and go along with it. in my head i knew it was wrong. emotional abuse turned into physical abuse. it went from him hitting me once to 5-6 times. he then went to jail for something in the past. it came as a shock to me as we lived together and he got taken away from me. during the time he was in prison, i got his phone back from the police, i discovered he was talking/seeing different girls. so all along after making me feel so so down about myself he was doing that all along. i felt sick to my stochmach but i still i agreed to wait. after 12months of constant visits letters phonecalls etc saying he was going to change, he came out of jail. he hasnt changed. but i have. when he was in jail i slowly started to repair myself. i grew stronger as a person. i made mistakes, i cant say im an angel, but who is. my mistakes are petty ( i know it doesnt make them right) but things like argueing with him when ive had a drink etc. something im always sorry for but deep down i know its my way of letting out all i have inside. 2 months ago, i snapped. i tryed to punch him and failed. i was so ashmed of myself but he has never ever let it go since. 2 wrongs dont make a right but you would think he would half understand. he split up with me for it. and then again, i got back with him and the consequences came. since then he has never let it go if we argue he constantly reminds me of it. my mum hates him. before we went to jail, he broke up with me for at least 2 weeks and in my head i said enough is enough if i tell someone my pain it will stop me going back there. so i told my mum everything. i ended up getting back with him, so it did me no favours. so now every week-2 weeks he breaks up with me. for the same reasons, but he adds a twist each time. he says how can he be with me when hes never met my mum etc etc and blames me for it. to me any decent guy would say you know what, i ed up. let me try make things right. but he blames me for it. so now his new excuse every few days is i havent met your mum etc etc u dont care about my feelings. 4 days ago he grabbed me and shouted in my ear so i would listen to him. next day he said sorry and said he would never mention my mum again ( he was being horrible about her for no reason!) now today all of a sudden he said, im not going to be there emotionally for you anymore. im still your boyfriend but im going to be more laid back. those were his exsact words. and this again is because of my mum. am i wrong in saying its his own fault? he got back with me.. he chose to forgive me for whatever i did wrong ( i loose track ) even a silly person would know its going to take more than 3 days to get back on track. he just never gives it a chance. is he making excuses? even if i did introduce to my mum, why would i?? he breaks up with me every week!! its like 1 step forward 2 steps back. so everything goes great then a few days later something is wrong again. and in this case its that he hasnt met my mum. something we spoke about a few days ago. what do i do? in my head i know i should not be here. but my heart loves him. i know i can move on, im just too scared to. he has drained me. hes put me through the stage of feeling worthless and now ive finally rebuilt myself i dont wanna fall again i just cant stop myself going back. im also not allowed to speak about my friends and if i see my friends he gets the hump with me. hes a very jealous person. hes admitted that hes jealous but i dont understand why. i know you think im crazy for saying this, but he does love me. he just doesnt know how to show it. do i think he wants to be with me? no.. i dont. how can he say that today? im your boyfriend but im not emotionally there for you anymore.. to me thats a cop out. thats a way of saying your dumped but just leading me on. please can somebody help. theres so much more i have to say, i just hope ive given enough info for some advice he is so so abusive and puts me down so much but on the other hand when hes nice hes really nice. its so frustrating because he doesnt even let me speak. half the time i end up agreeing with him or staying silent because i feel so drained that i dont have it in me to fight i know i am weak when it comes to him and i know for a fact he knows it too. whatever he does i forgive him.

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jessika...you are experiencing long-term mental and physical abuse at the hands of a man who breaks the law and cheats on you. If any part of you thinks this is acceptable (and you must or your post would have ended at line 4 or 5) you need to get to a therapist quickly. In fact, I would stop reading what posters here have to say and talk to someone on the other end of a domestic abuse hotline. You need some perspective.

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