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At a crossroad


bluemoon

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I'm at a cross-road in my relationship. I don't know if I should continue to be in one or not.

 

Whenever I have negative feelings or emotions my other half doesn't know how to deal with them and he becomes distanced, withdrawn and defensive.

When I try to bring them up in person he becomes upset and silent because apparently his mind is too overwhelmed and he doesn't know what to say.

 

I'm in turn am incredibly hurt by the withdrawal because to me it communicates rejection and that he can't care enough to place himself outside of his own thoughts for just some moments to give me some time and show compassion. I feel as though he wants to avoid my negative feelings at all costs and tries to avoid them.

 

This is turn has made me feel as though my feelings are unnecessary. I've tried to communicate this all before, but at this point I feel like a broken record and am sick of repeating the same things over and over.

 

A good friend of his told me she was experiencing a similar situation with him when she was going through an abusive relationshipand tried to confide with him. She said she would tell him what was bothering her and only after repeating herself over and over one day he clicked and showed some compassion. She told me he is the loveliest guy, only that he needs a little time to figure things out.

 

Him and I have been going out for almost 2 years now and I have continuously felt like this. I don't expect him to change, I just expect him to adapt a little and to try and see things from my point of view... that when I upset- he should be able to place himself outside himself just for a few moments.

 

When he was upset- and it affected me massively (as something really stupid happened) .. eventhough I was upset by it I thought about 'What does he need right now' 'How can I make him feel better in this moment' , 'would my initial reaction be helpful? '

 

Is it un-reasonable to expect the same thing?

we're both quite young and everyone seems to say you grow a lot in your twenties ... i HOPE that he will get it

 

I know he cares for me deeply, and I know he loves me, but the way he reacts makes me feel so unloved sometimes and alienated.

I have quite a bit of anxiety which makes me want to run away from things due to a fear of abandonment related due to a parental relationship, and am afraid that I could run away from something otherwise really good that could be fixed

 

i don't know what to do anymore or how to communicate in a way that will help

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You're first of all having some logic.. In this situation "men" majority of them do not like to broadcast their inner emotion, If he's used to handling it on his own you wanting to be a part of "helping" will only add stress to the situation and in turn constantly result in annoyance and more withdraw, you need to step back because this is something he can handle, if it was something he needed help with ( Think about it) do you not think he'd seek solace in you?

You need to understand men do in fact think differently, They are not apt to having hidden agendas nor meanings they tend to be strait to the point about a lot of things, being emotionally stable enough to handle whatever trial he is going through does not yield rejection unless YOU try to join in, Its like trying to put a cast on a leg that isn't broken for simpler terms.

When he "wants and needs " to come to you about anything he will don't push your way in and keep being understanding towards him AND don't allow yourself to think there's anything he'd intentionally doing to hurt you its independent thinking.

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Hi newdeli, i think you read this wrong.

It's when I'm upset that I go to him for solace ,he withdraws and becomes overwhelmed by my emotions. It seems he thinks I expect him to fix my feelings, but I DONT rathe I want him to give me some reassurance when I'm anxious. He instead becomes defensive and withdrawn, which makes me more anxious. This makes me feel emotionally abandoned. Which is something I have experienced on a day to day basis with my parents. I do not want to be in relationship with someone who continues to make my feelings feel inconsidered for.

I know he doesn't mean for it to come accross like that, though he says I make him feel helpless. What am I supposed to think from that? It continues to communicate my feelings are unnecessary and that they only put a strain on the relationship. Should I continue to be with someone who can't handle part of my emotional side? Or is there hope for growth on his part through proper communication?

 

When he is upset, I put my own feelings aside and am compassionate.... i expect the same from him when I am upset.

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  • 4 weeks later...

Hey!

 

I react the same way your bf does when my bf come to me with his concerns. I just posted something about my situation in "dating" and he is doing it out of fear, anger and hurt. Because thats what I do....its a natural instint to come accross that way even tho it has nothing to do with us not caring at all. The truth hurts and alot of people cant handle it....i know it ssomething I need to work on...same with him as well....but he has got to want to work on it to make it work.

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