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a break up that is mostly my fault......need some major help please!


Cityboy88

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So, I'm going through another break up. But this time it's different. This girl was head over heels for me for the past 9 months. But I didn't want to commit to her and pushed her away. Deep down inside I had very strong feelings for her but I was scared of a relationship and showing how i felt because of my past relationships with others. So I pushed her away every time i got too serious. She did everything for me, literally everything. The best girlfriend you could think of. But towards the end she never really communicated that she was getting tired of trying, and eventually one day told me that we should just been friends. She's tired of trying and getting shut down. She was shocked that I didn't want this. She said she thought I'd be relieved, and was expecting the opposite of my response that I actually wanted to be with her.

 

Of course after this I realize I really do want her to be my girlfriend I'm ready to commit and show it, but now i fear it's too late. I'm worried i waited to late to accept her into my life. I don't want to be her friend. I want more. Figures it would take her doing this for me to realize.

We are like best friends. We do everything together. We run, swim, bike, play video games, fly, fix cars... take vacations, used to have sex. Everything. No fights or anything. Just without the strong commitment that she wanted and I was afraid of.

 

After she broke this to me, we had a dinner and I explained why I kept pushing her away in my life, and that i wanted a chance to make it up to her. She said she only wanted friendship at this point. I know the rules. Don't act like a wuss, be needy, show too much emotion, or beg. So I acted pretty mature and level, maybe even a little cocky, and explained that friends will probably not work. I dropped her off at night and I could tell she was in great pain about the loss of our friendship and that I told her we shouldn't talk or hang out anymore. She was hiding her tears. I tried to keep a light mood and positive smile.

 

The next day she writes me a semi emotional email again with apologies for everything, and that she really wishes we could be friends, and that she gets why I can't but it really hurts her, and if I wanted my bike back and if she could get her ps3 back. I could tell she was having a rough time with this. I said she doesn't have to be sorry because I understand and accept her feelings and recognize that it was my fear of letting her in that brought it about, but that we wanted two separate things, I wanted to fix our relationship as a couple and she just wanted friendship now and due to that we are done because it wouldn't work.

I proceeded to go into no contact mode deleted her off of Facebook and other sites we had together and was about to leave it there. Thats what I learned was best to do.

 

Then I realized, no contact wouldn't work in this situation. I pushed and neglected her and doing more of that would just make her more confirmed that I just didn't care or want to be in a relationship. She told my friend she still loves me a few days ago. She told me at dinner this Saturday that just passed that she still loves me. So I don't really get it by I dont get a second chance to prove that I can commit and treat her right. I don't get why she doesn't want to give me a chance to show I can accept her into my life.

 

Now... today I met her at work ( we work in the same place, and im her boss) and told her I get it and was cool with it. That I was about to cut her off completely but realized that I really didn't want to. So I'm cool with the whole thing. So I told her we need to start a new relationship, learn from the past, drop all the bad stuff, and make this one better. She accepted but reminded me to make sure that we were on the same page, "just friends". It stung a bit but I didn't show it and agreed with a smile.

 

She still wants to hang out all the time. And says she still loves me. We have plans to go flying this Friday and go to a museum on saturday. Towards the end of the relationship things got a bit boring and routine, and i wanted to change that and I want to treat her with love, what I was afraid to do before. I know I need to be focused heavily on fun and not be a wuss. Strong and confident. But should I even be doing this ? I never have had this situation in that past so I don't know what the best course of action is. I don't want to end up in the friend zone. And I know she still has some love and attraction for me obviously, she even says it. I didn't kill it this time with text massage spam or emotional vomit or wuss behavior. Stayed strong and cool.

 

So, I need advice. What should I do in this situation? I screwed up and pushed her away too much too long. How do I go about fixing this ? My plan was to accept friendship and show her that I can indeed accept her in my life and open up, and show her love and treat her the way she should be treated, because that's the reason she gave up. But again, I don't know if this is the right course of action.

 

Anyone have some good advice on this complex situation ? I'm feeling some serious pain over this. Thank you all.

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Well.. since there has already been an initiated response of at least having a continued relationship, then ITS NOT OVER... especially if she wants to spend more time with you and said to YOUR friend she still loves you, its seems like she's got you right where she wants you lol, its not over you just have to prove to her you want to be with her that's all, its a hidden second chance that she secretly wants...

If she was clean cut and dry it would be completely different, still wanting you for even as a friend does say a lot... Change your actions and more then likely you two will end up back together, Head over heels only changes when there's no love left to give but you haven't reached that point so don't feel like the worst boyfriend, most likely you're just normal..

but do be careful this is a valid training technique it has wonderful outcomes majority of the time.. ( if she wanted to end things she'd leave you alone completely logic does tell us you can't really be a friend to someone you had sex with and had an actual relationship with its just stupid)

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Yeah, there is no anger or anything between us. She told me that she was tired of trying and pushing to be my official girlfriend and me continuing to shut her down, and that a main reason why she wont give us a second chance is it seems I didn't want to be in a relationship anyway... She definitely has me where she wants me, and its difficult to stay calm cool controlled and unemotional. I just want to run to her door step right now but I know thats against the rules. BUT I havent broken any rules yet.

 

Should I continue just being her friend, hang out and have a good time with her and show her I can show her love, care, and accept her whole heartly into my life? I'm afraid this will lead me into the friendzone and many more months of pain, but I really think she was an amazing girlfriend and I should have given her the chance. I really want to change that.

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There is no "leading to the friend zone"...you are there.

Because in her mind....you never committed to the relationship...except you enjoyed the sex part.

So...you basically, in her mind...have the same relationship without sex.

And you don't have the responsibility of being a bf...something you never committed to in the first place.

 

Right now....it is win/win for her. She has her best friend back to do things with and is free to look for a guy who actually wants to be her bf.

 

You are lose/lose. You had your chance and took her for granted to the point that she broke up with you. Had you stood your ground and refused to be friend zoned, you might have stood a small.chance. But by accepting the zone...you now can see but not touch. And if you back out of the friendship AGAIN.... you will look like a boy who is confused and can't make up his mind. And she won't give you a 3rd chance.

 

So...you kinda screwed the pooch on this one.

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Updated on this. This Friday she was at a mutual friends dinner party that I didn't know she would be at. I decided I would just let it all go and act normal. Strangely, so did she. We all had a ton of laughs and a good time together. When it was time to leave I gave her a kiss on the cheek, then the other cheek, and then on her neck. Long story short we ended up in a hotel room and had the wildest make up sex imaginable. We spoke for 6 hours after that about everything and I spent the entire weekend at her house. We are back together and I am totally committed to showing her how I feel now and to her. Its like the break up never happened. We both love each other and have embarked on a new and improved relationship. I guess I got lucky with this one, but I sure won't screw up again !

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