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Scared or not interested?


confuzzled1

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A guy that I knew began to pursue me. On his intial confession of interest I was not too into it. However he still persisted in his flirty banter. I asked him if he would like to get together and he turned me down. I recieved a rather interesting tirade of he couldn't due to his child and not wanting to subject them to another new person like the mother does (I didn't realize the dates would be with the child??) and how he has trust issues.

I let it slide and we continue to talk regularly. He has started opening a little more and I have asked him on friendly things to do (movie, lunch) and he has turned me down or said sometime it would be nice. Now I just asked him if he would like to accompany me to a restaurant I have been wanting to try. He told me he has some things he needs to figure out and he can't because he just can't. I was only meaning in a platonic way and never once stated that anything I asked was in a date way. So can anyone help me figure this out?

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he isn't interested in you as he keeps turning your down. Even if you are trying to be platonic, he knows that you like/liked him and is still going to say no to hanging out with you one on one so that you don't get the wrong idea and perceive it as a date. Had you of asked hm to the restaurant and also invited other people, he may have said yes, because it would be a more of a friend event.

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He might enjoy the attention you are giving him, but isn't interested in doing anything concrete about it. He can flirt all he wants but if he is not accepting your invites and flat out told you he doesn't want to date you, so believe that. If the flirting is confusing you or bugging you then stop participating and kindly tell him that you would like him to stop acting that way too.

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A guy that I knew began to pursue me. On his intial confession of interest I was not too into it. However he still persisted in his flirty banter.

 

Can you elaborate? How did he pursue you? What had he said in that confession? And how long ago was all that before you asked him out?

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Gosh, I would drop him. "Getting together" doesn't deserve a tirade about not meeting his child. It is just getting together. Appropriate: "I would love to, but I have my kid right now, how about tomorrow?"

 

I would not bother with him. And if you threw "it just platonic" out there, he might be a little crushed also that you friendzoned him - even though he was dramatic about making a point about relationships. I wouldn't even try to be "friends" with him. He seemed to have asked you out in a moment of boldness or after he was turned down he decided that he wasn't into you.

 

Whatever - just move on. Too much drama.

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But it still persists as to why come after me if he was not interested?

 

Because he considers you safe enough to flirt with and he knows that he just has to keep turning you down, but you'll hang in there boosting his ego a bit without him ever really having to do anything beyond that. Or because he's messed up and likes the chase, but not the actual getting of someone and yes, there are guys and girls out there will chase you down for years until you sleep with them or tell them you love them. The next day bam, you are yesterdays news.

 

Just because he likes to talk online or on the phone with you it does not mean he ever wants to do anything in person with you as he's clearly, clearly made plain to you. He threw in the maybe there to make sure you won't give up and stop the online chatting, but the guy would already have gone out with you if he were really interested. And "I'm scared" is the oldest excuse in the book, so put it away. That's not why he's not going out with you in person.

 

Either like this guy as a chat buddy only or move on and find someone who will meet up in person and isn't either a) so not interested in you or b) neurotic that getting together with him would be a nightmare anyways.

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Well we have known each other for a while and never talked. He started talking to me and eventually got my number. His texts were always very very flirty and he would stay up till all hours of the night with me to talk even though he would have to be at work early. He waited about a week and then asked me to hang out. I told him I would have to think about it. I waited about a half a day while still texting constantly (bless him he is soooo awkward in person and on the phone) and told him I would very much like to get together. Which is when the tirade happened.

I let him cool dawn a few days and then asked him if he would like to have lunch sometime. He replied that he would very much like to. But I could never get a time or day. He still continued the flirty banter.

Lately I know he has been having some issues with his ex wife (whom he loathes and does not love according to the person above) and have tried to cheer him up and get his mind off his worries. And insert his turning down any friendly offer I give.

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It is a big red flag if you just became acquainted and already know he "loathes" his ex wife. If a guy said "it didn't work out between us. She is not a horrible person - it just didn't work out. We communicate just about the kids pretty much" - you want to date that guy. Not someone who "hates" or on the opposite end "is still in love with his ex". Someone who has basic human respect for his ex if there are kids is best. If he loathes her, it is either too soon for him to date, or he will be quick to "loathe" you also.

 

Also, texting all night speaks to bad boundaries. You want a guy who excuses himself because he needs to get up for work, etc. Obviously a whirlwind date where you talk to all hours at a coffee shop and don't notice the time is one thing - but texting constantly shows he doesn't have other stuff going on in his life.

 

He is now rejecting you - and you are so intrigued by the push/pull that now you are sort of pursuing him by continuing to communicate. TOo much hassle.

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Well no he asked me out first. I know that his ex wife did a number on him and he hasn't really dated since. So that is why I thought he might just be scared.

 

He's got ex baggage, a kid, he turns you down on every invite and all he wants to do it talk to you. If all you want to do is talk too, then carry on with this man who currently is NOT VERY GOOD relationship material but don't try to push him anymore. Let him invite you out during one of your talks or cut him off altogether and get on with your life without him or his attention seeking drama.

 

This isn't "push/pull" Push pull is if he asked you out and then backed off only to reel you in once again and then distance himself from you ad nauseum (and you letting him do that to you) He's just reacting to your interest and he's been perfectly honest with you that he's not wanting to meet you.

 

Bottomline: Currently, you waste your time and efforts on someone who isn't ready to date and you enable him to keep contacting you in the same dynamic.

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Oh should have clarified, I did not know about the loathing of his ex wife until a week after we started talking regularly he found out that his ex wife was dating a man that has had several arrests for domestic abuse and she was leaving the child with the man for a few hours to run errands. Up till then he was very polite about that it just did not work out. Then in a moment of being upset told me (in person) why it never worked out and how he felt about her.

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For him to "loathe" his ex-wife is not a good sign, not a good sign at all. It means he's in the throws of relationship drana and the anger he harbors toward her has now been directed at you. Also him initiating you all hang out then withdrawing sounds more like he's just boosting his own ego and trying to assert control over another woman since he can't control his ex-wife. These are red flags of people with anger issues, trust me you do not want to start dating this guy when he's that POed off towards women. No good will come of it.

 

Your best bet is to recognize he's acting more than a little nuts and he's angry right now and as you've already seen is more than ready and able to turn that anger towards you in a tirade after you accepted his request to hang out. Can you not see how irrational that is? I would just steer clear of this whole drama since it's weird that he is willing to talk to you, asked you out, then basically threw a tirade at you for accepting and now turns you down all the time.

 

Not.rational.at.all.

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Even if he was never married and childless - I wouldn't put up with it.
Me either... He's a waste of time as far as I'm concerned but him not being on good terms with his wife and spewing all the time about her means he's not a very good romantic partner even if he was open to going out with OP. That alone should be motive enough for her to stop allowing him to do what he does with her.
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I honestly cannot hold malice towards a woman that leaves a child that you spawned alone with a man that has a record of beating children against him. I would be angry as well and I don't think any of you could say the same. Especially when they are not allowing you to talk to the child outside of your visitation rights in the custody agreement when you talked to them nightly. I am aware that I need to let that situation work itsself out, but I had been trying to get his mind off it.

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I honestly cannot hold malice towards a woman that leaves a child that you spawned alone with a man that has a record of beating children against him. I would be angry as well and I don't think any of you could say the same. Especially when they are not allowing you to talk to the child outside of your visitation rights in the custody agreement when you talked to them nightly. I am aware that I need to let that situation work itsself out, but I had been trying to get his mind off it.

 

You sound already embroiled in this, then. I will add that no court would tell a father he can't talk to his kids every night (so long as it is not intrusive, like insisting on being on the phone with them for five hours) unless it is upsetting the kids, they are under 2 and phone time is therefore a hassle for all involved and is not meaningful to the kids anyways, or there are other things going on. You don't really know this guy - he is already pushing and pulling you and yet you are upset about the situation his custody/visitation is in.

 

Still, if he is ready to date, he would not be talking about this with you. He would, as he got to know you better after a few dates would have said "my visitation is limited to when I am scheduled" "My child;s mother made a choice i don't agree with" rather than I LOATHE her. This is not something someone dumps on a new date. Thereofre, i think he is looking for a counselor or someone to vent on and not someone to date. This also tells me his divorce is too fresh and custody and visitation hadn't properly been ironed out yet.

 

There is no situation "to work itself out" = you are free to stop talking to him and find someone who actually wants to meet you, rather than "trying to get your mind off" of his situation.

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I honestly cannot hold malice towards a woman that leaves a child that you spawned alone with a man that has a record of beating children against him. I would be angry as well and I don't think any of you could say the same. Especially when they are not allowing you to talk to the child outside of your visitation rights in the custody agreement when you talked to them nightly. I am aware that I need to let that situation work itsself out, but I had been trying to get his mind off it.

 

Does this even matter that you don't hold it against him? Seriously... the man does not want to have anything outside of "chat" and "flirting" with you and you're all a tither over him?????? Look within why you want (make that need) to keep entertaining his non-interest in you and why you choose to ignore the red flags pointing brightly to the fact that he's not a good partner because he's emotionally not ready to be one.

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He never lied. I never asked and he never told. And I mean yes we flirted and all but it was never anything that either of us should be ashamed of. Plus he did turn down invitations to hang out. But since that omission we talk all the time as there is no pressure. Though I had no idea he started there two months before me and he might have just been trying to be friends and I misread all the signals.

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