She has 3 kids

[andytime]

I'm recently divorced and have started seeing a woman that I really like. I'm 42 and she is 40. We have been on 2 dates so far and have chatted a lot on messenger and text. Our dates have been great and the most recent was one of the best dates I've ever had in my life. We have several common interests and know several of the same people. She is a school nurse by profession but works 3 different nursing jobs. She has a very busy schedule.

 

My red flag with her... She has 3 kids, all boys, ages 17, 15, & 10. The dad is in the picture, the boys live with him. She is about a year and half out of her divorce. I do not know if I am ready to get into a relationship with someone this soon after my divorce and especially with someone that has 3 kids.

 

So here's my question... How do I proceed? I know 2 dates is no time to start thinking long term. But I am trying to look down the road to see if this is something I want to pursue. From all of the collective wisdom here, are 3 kids those ages a cut and run situation? Should I just take things slowly with no real commitment to see where things lead? It has been a very long time since I dated and this is the first or closest thing I've had to a relationship since my divorce. Since my divorce I have learned a lot! There is also another woman I have "hung out" with because she doesn't call it dating. This woman though seems to only want to be friends however I like her better than the nurse. My experience tells me to move on from that one. Maybe I should just play the field and have fun for awhile? Thanks for reading. I look forward to any comment.

[Mike H]

I hear you man, I'm in the same situation.. My GF has 3 kids too (1, 3 & 6) the father is in the picture and we are still kinda in the dating stage. I'm having the same thoughts as I'm not a parent myself and I havnt had much experience around kids.

 

It's all down to how you feel really.. Does it bother you that she has kids even though they don't live with her? Would you be comfortable having dinner or something like that with her and the kids?

 

She obviously isn't looking for a father figure here so if you like her that much I'd say hang in there, find out a bit more about them and take things at a steady pace.

[patterned]

Allow yourself to experience and learn. Don't think so hard at this point. Don't look far ahead. Enter this with a beginner's mindset. You really just don't know right now and that's OK. Be here today. If today something doesn't work for you then honor that.

[Realitynut]

It all boils down to how you feel about kids in general. Years ago i knew a man who said he wanted to marry the woman BECAUSE he loved her kids so much. I also know a man who has been married to his last wife for 10 years. When he met her, her children were young teens. He had no children. He married her and had his first child at 50! The kids adore him....and their dad. It's like they have 2 dads, and they love both of them the same!

 

Mike, if you stayed with your gf and got married, those children would pretty much become yours...in your heart. You would be raising them.

 

Andy, now it's too soon to tell with your nurse. Don't even think about 'long term' until you have dated a year or so...cuz you never know what is going to happen! Don't stress out about the future, when you don't even know what the future IS??? Her kids are older, so that could be good...or bad. Depends on the kids.

 

The guy i told you about and his wife with 2 young girls...got along fantastic? His wife before him and two children. The boy was 10 when they got married. He ended up dropping out of highschool, the girl got pregnant as a teen and the boy threatened to kill him. They were a MESS! He got out...quick!

 

My ex bf had adult children. Misfits. Compulsive liars. Came home to live with us in their late 20's. One came from prison. ugh. Things ended between us. The next gf left also because of him being an enabler to his rotten kids.

 

So wait and get to know her. I don't like the idea that you care more about your 'non dating' friend, than the nurse...but maybe that's because you knew her longer. 2 dates isn't anything! It could all be over in 3 months...lol

 

It all depends on how you view her children. If you think of kids as 'baggage', then don't date her, but believe me, most women at 40 have kids!

[missmarple]

You don't like her enough. Move on and let her find someone who does.

[PaintWithLight]

Allow yourself to experience and learn. Don't think so hard at this point. Don't look far ahead. Enter this with a beginner's mindset. You really just don't know right now and that's OK. Be here today. If today something doesn't work for you then honor that.

 

I disagree. You need to be crystal clear about what is a deal breaker and what you can accept. You are both in your 40s and this is not time to create false expectations or future heartbreak. It is fine to continue dating but then you run the risk of getting pulled into a situation for all the "good guy" reasons instead of viewing the situation from the standpoint of what is truly the best for you.

 

A blended family is a huge challenge. For every story someone can pull up how things worked out just fine, you can find just as many where it was crash and burn. I disagree with Realitynut. Even if you stay with her, you will essentially be raising another guy's kids. For all the hard work and respect a stepdad might earn, there are also situations where in life where you are not going recognized as a primary decision maker and that can sting. They are your kids but not really.

 

Its a big world so you have lots of options. Put it this way, if the connection was 10% less, would you even be considering this? You readily admit that you prefer the "hangout woman" more than this nurse. I am sensing that you know this is not a good fit for you but are trying to talk yourself into accepting it. You are fresh out of a divorce. Play the field with really see what is out there.

[Realitynut]

I just got done reading your back posts! oh my. You were just thinking of getting divorced in July!! And you didn't think you would do it until MAY! So are you really divorced? Also the woman you like, and she doesn't return your feelings...was a texting buddy from way back when!

 

I think you are NOT ready to get into a serious relationship AT ALL. Wait a while and get your crap together!!

 

And Paint...there are TONS of people who have raised 'another man's child' and grew to love them as their own. Lots of horror stories too. I really do think the family that i know...the girls treat him as their dad! And now that they have children...he is the grandpa!

 

Blended families can work. Just takes compassion, love, understanding, forgiveness, and 'good kids'....lol

 

2 dates ain't nothing.....if you like her, date her. Don't have to make a decision on 'long term' or consider it a red flag.

 

Tell me...just HOW LONG have you been divorced????

[abitbroken]

I think that you need to look at the whole situation. Right now, you are just getting to know eachother. Learn more about her over the next couple of dates. That is all it is about. If she tells you she doesn't want someone meeting her kids until there is a serious relationship, that is a good sign. Also, these boys are older. Likely, if you guys got serious, the oldest would be going off to college before you met them anyhow. If she seems to have a good head on her shoulders and a cordial arrangement with their dad to coparent - then it is up to you to decide if the benefit of dating her is worth it. I wouldn't jump off into thinking about being a stepdad just yet. Just go out with her a couple times and decide if you both even want a serious relationship. She may just be looking to get her feet wet on dating and may be dating others too, you just don't know. If she had red flags - real red flags like being an hour late, being on the phone with her kids dad all the time or her life sounded like drama - then that is one thing. But having kids is not a "red flag" - its an aspect - just like if she were a physical type you were not attracted to - it is not a red flag, it is just something that you can either work with or not

[Realitynut]

^^^ great post abitbroken...you said it so much better than me and my ramblings!

 

(btw...i always want to call you 'aintbroken'...lol)

 

 

So op...again...how long have you been divorced? or are you??

[abitbroken]

^^^ great post abitbroken...you said it so much better than me and my ramblings!

 

(btw...i always want to call you 'aintbroken'...lol)

 

 

So op...again...how long have you been divorced? or are you??

 

No harm in two adults going to dinner a couple of times, etc. Especially if you are both getting your feet wet.

 

Also, if its the best dates he ever had - maybe its worth investigating the situation a little.

 

But the length of time since your divorce is a huge factor and where you are at with that. If this is the first woman you have gone out with, it makes a difference versus if you have been divorced a few years and have gone on cordial dates with a variety of women.

[laschenova]

I don't see what the problem is honestly! She has kids...most people you are going to date will have children or be divorced like yourself. Dating in your 40's is going to be vastly different from dating in your 20's. Plus it isn't even serious yet.

 

Just take it slow! Leave the future alone and enjoy dating.

 

Also I really find it weird that a woman who is 40 is showing "a red flag" because she has kids. That's almost given really. I am sure about 50% or more of the women in your age range will have at least one child. How it is a warning sign I really don't get. She doesn't need a dad for her kids...they already have one! She is just looking for a date for herself, NOT for her kids. The living situation is a big plus for her potential partner, I know a lot of guys complain about how single moms never have enough time for them/they feel neglected etc.

 

I am sure you would hate to have someone you were dating think "Man he was married and never had kids...what is wrong with him?" (Nothing is wrong with you of course! Eveyone has unique lifelines, you can't lump single people into a category) It's kind of a preemptive strike, get to know her better before casting judgement.

[Ms Darcy]

I disagree. You need to be crystal clear about what is a deal breaker and what you can accept. You are both in your 40s and this is not time to create false expectations or future heartbreak. It is fine to continue dating but then you run the risk of getting pulled into a situation for all the "good guy" reasons instead of viewing the situation from the standpoint of what is truly the best for you.

 

A blended family is a huge challenge.

 

I agree. IF you are sure you do not ever want to be a stepfather, you should stop talking to her.

[PaintWithLight]

Its a huge red flag for men who do not want to be stepfathers. Especially when the number is 3. And they are teens and pre-teens to boot. I do not want to hijack the thread into a discussion of whether blended families are good or bad.

 

The bottom line is what the OP has envisioned for his future. And it sounds like, this is not it.

[Realitynut]

C'mon Paint....I'm a pro at hijacking threads.

But really, read some of his past threads and it will give you some insight.

 

He and his wife adopted their niece and was going to raise her until she graduated... come this May...and then he was going to get divorced.

[Lonewing]

The blended family part is very easy. The hard part is the relationship between you and the partner.